Missing Love

After the dinner meal, I was very happy. I drove around a good bit in thought and on the phone with a couple friends. They were surprised. No one expected it--they had thought I was stupid in attempting any of this.

The next day I had to go to the gym at a different time--so I didn't run into him. Still, I thought alot. I felt less anxious now. I had accomplished something I wanted. I had gotten to know someone about whom I was very curious.

The following day, I was going to run into him. I had thought about him differently. I was somewhat more assured of having gotten his interest. A part of me knew that a meal is nothing, but a different part of me was satisfied. Then I got sad. I didn't know why at the time.

At the gym, I saw him doing cardio. Occasionally he does this prior to his weight workout. I went up to him from behind, smiled, and in a half hearted sarcastic tone praised the machine's read outs. "Pretty good," I said skeptically, as I smirked. He smiled, and said, hey, in between breaths.

I walked to the weight room, and in a few minutes he was there too.

We talked a good bit. We asked about each other's workouts, and our knowledge of the physiology and kinesthesiology of our routines. Although we were curious, we were also quizzing each other. He was pretty hard core, and I think I could only know that if I were too;)

He asked me what I was working on that day--a rhetorical question since I was doing lunges. I laughed, and said, Legs. He looked down in thought, and said, Oh, your hardest day. Yea, I said, its not going to be a nice workout.

He looked up and then down again, and then he said while looking up to me again, I've started to do more legs now.

That was endearing, and I didn't know how to respond without being flat out flirty. So I looked at him with bemusement, and smiled as warmly as I could. I should've said something but I didn't know what.

Although we had briefly alluded to sexuality during dinner, it was detached, and obviously an uncomfortable topic--at least for him. I was too when I was in his position.

We spotted each other back and forth. Without telling each other, we seemed to have timed our sets that way.

I'm scared to bring up sexuality to him--its the pink elephant in the room. I have in mind the type of situation in which to do so, but until then, I wanted him to feel safe around me. That means no jokes or other comments that would be fine around "out" folk.

I was nearing the end of my workout and was stretching on one of the mats. I usually avoid stretching near him because he's usually doing crunches. When he does them, his shorts fall down exposing his thighs and part of his ass. He holds them up at times with his fingers. He has a strong sense of modesty.

I was strechting in such a way that my head could only look in one direction, straight in front of me. That's when he came, smirked at himself, and laid down right in front of me, as he started his ab routine.

Whoa, I thought. This is somewhat bold. I didn't move or change directions. We kept at it, till a girl came and started chatting with him. It was very cute. She was nervous.

I was going to ask him out again, but I thought I'd better wait--a dumb move; I wish I would've had had something else in mind to say. So we finished our routines. I put on my jacket and got ready to leave. I went over to him, and half-heartedly asked him to eat again. But he had already told his friends that he was doing something with them after his workout. He paused, as did I, he smiled, and I did too. I might've come up with something else to say, or find a way to still eat with him, but I didn't--and I partly didn't want to.

I left, pensive, and a little sad.

I couldn't figure out the sadness, until today.

I know him in many more ways now, but I still don't feel like I know who he is. Perhaps that's the wrong way of writing it. I know important parts of who he is--but I don't know the part that is the basis for love--the soul and the vulnerability. I've seen glimpses of it--when I say something unexpected. Or when an insecurity becomes implicit in something we'll say.

Today, I was going about my day, when I realized--I have this need to be in a loving relationship. I am so self-focused. I hate it. I have another piece regarding those two issues.

Love confounds me to a great degree. It rules the universe however in my opinion.

I want to find out who he is. I want to find out, what makes him tick. That's not happening overnight or likely even sometime soon. I suppose I need to find a way to get the ball rolling nonetheless.

Dinners can be gaurded, and on campus, even more so. Plus, they are so freakin cliche, and somewhat unsuited for our interests. An activity is necessary. Something unordinary though.