Dinner Again

Asian boy and I had dinner again this week.

We didn't talk much for a while at the gym. I still got the feeling and the hints that he tracked me as I went through my workout but still, I got nothing but distance from him.

I thought--its back to square 1, perhaps 1.1. Small steps I thought--which can easily be taken back.

One late night, I was online and ended up chatting with Asian Man, the guy who I went with on one date. He had blown me off before but now we were chatting. I brought up Asian male culture, and slowly ended up talking about AB. He gave me his input. I was floored. He seemed to be right on target. I was incredibly greatful for this windfall. My discouragement was still there, but I had to keep going.

Finally, I thought I'd work it up again one late afternoon. Asian Boy came in later than usual and apparently did a faster than usual workout. He looked a bit rushed.

I said hi to him at the beginning of the workout but nothing else afterwards. I decided to do one of his exercises. Not only because its really effective, but to let him know that I'm thinking about him.

He left abruptly. I trailed after him. I lightly punched him on the shoulder from behind and said that his exercise worked really well. Doesn't it??? he replied.

Yea, it actually balances out my workouts better than I expected, I said and then briefly outlined how it allowed me to refocus my other exercises on other body parts without overworking them. I asked him how his week was going. He told me.

We talked like this right up until we were about to exit the building. He had his coat and his bag. I didn't have anything. Then I said, are you going to go eat? He said, actually I'm headed to a meeting right now. Oh, I said.

Where are you headed, he asked. I replied, I'm going back.

To workout!? he said surprised. No, I said, just to get my stuff.

He looked at me confused and a bit shocked. I smiled kind of big, and said, I just wanted to see how you were. I cocked my head and raised an eyebrow slightly. I smiled a bit longer and then said, good luck with everything, turned and went back.

I thought I over did it. I thought it was stupid and desperate-looking. No doubt it was. But one thing I've been after in this interaction is to genuinely be more concerned with the other person, rather than me. I wanted him to know--I like you. I want to care about you. If the chances of me getting nothing are high, I want to still give something to you. I want you to feel like someone can have a giving will towards you, despite your unwillingness or inability to give anything back.

I don't know exactly from where these feelings come. Somewhere along the road, I got so tired of humanity. I got so cynical, pained, angry, selfish, and all that comes with seeing myself and a few others as dual natured human beings. I felt that I had seen evil, and disliked it.

I can't say I'm just willing to take the risk of getting hurt. I have to expect it--and then brace myself for the pain. I have to trust that what is on the other side of that experience, will be something greater for myself, and perhaps something greater for me and the other person together.

This latter point would seem to invalidate my argument and indicate that I am indeed selfish. But I suppose that the "better otherside" cannot come unless the selflessness that leads up to it, is genuine. The resignation that both death or life could be on the other side of that pain has must be real in order for life to have a chance afterwards. I don't know--this all sounds crazy :p

I was not happy afterwards. I felt down and back to square one. But something had changed, and whatever it was--I preferred it that way.

The following day, I proposed myself to distancing myself from him more so than usual. I had now asked him out twice. No use in smothering the kid or beating a dead horse.

I said hi politely and went on with my workout. He did the same. Finally, I finished my workout and decided to talk to him, even if I didn't ask him out. I looked for him, and went and started conversation. He was more open than usual and we talked. About his classes, the upcoming holidays, travel plans, and oddly enough how it is that we chose our school.

He was dual in his conversation. He tested me on my knowledge of other universities--stuff that was rather basic, but meant to probe earlier comments I had made. My father had not wanted to me to go to a private university. He wanted to get somewhat of a sense behind that reasoning.

Secondly, he now knows (from my online profile) that a high proportion of my friends attend very name schools. He tested that point as well.

I followed him through his routine, lightly going through the same motions on adjacent machines. He tried to stop and talk, but I insisted that I not interrupt his workout. So we talked and stopped as per his sets. He laughed at one point without saying anything.

Previously I had gotten the feeling that he had googled me or done some equivalent. This time, my suspicions were confirmed. I googled myself just to fucken see what would come up. Interestingly enough some stuff does come up that may seem misleading--though nothing critical. Either way, he totally gave away his googling when he directly asked about the second google hit that comes up under my name. It was weird, because he didn't even try to beat around the bush. He just asked if I had ever done it. I was like... whoa. Okay, random question.

Asking--how'd you know or where'd you read about me would've been way to awkward. I just straight forwardly answered his question as forwardly as he had asked. He could probably tell I was taken aback. I was definitely startled. Here was the third time that I definitely felt as if he had done some more than cursory research on me. While I had done the same, I wouldn't bring it up or ever implicate my discoveries in conversation. He didn't even necessarily seem to be trying to hide the implication.

We went to sip from the fountain when another friend of mine stood next to us. My other friend and I prefer to converse in different languages--its just a sort of joke we have going between us.

I started talking to him, and Asian boy jetted off. I followed him with my eyes, and I was actually glad my other friend came, because Asian Boy had to do an exercise through which I would not have been able to talk with him.

Finally, I ended my conversation and headed over to AB. He strained to get the last few reps out, and I leaned into his machine and said, so when can I buy you back dinner?

He lightly smiled and flushed a bit as he fought his smile back. He looked away momentarily, looked annoyed as he said, I'm supposed to do something with my friends tonight.

Having learned my lesson about waiting for his next response, I just slightly widened my eyes and looked at him with openness. He then smiled and swelled with cockiness as he said, next week perhaps. I gave him this ridiculous look, as if, you must be kidding me. He understood it right away, looked down a bit, and said, tomorrow's good actually.

Then I said, cool, what time?

He smiled with some intensity, looked away and thought for a split second, and then said, how about 7?

I was thrown off a bit, because that was substantially later than our regular workout time, but I didn't question it. I was just happy that he seemed happy that I asked him out again.

I went got my stuff, and left walking on cloud 9. I was going to be thinking about this upcoming meal a good bit.