The 3rd Date

They say its supposed to be the fuck date. At least that's what I've been told. But then again, I'm first generation, gay, and really never had an adolescent dating life. So what do I know?

Super Boi shares many of these same qualities with me. So I suppose the same question applies to him as well.

Tonight was technically our 3rd date. No--nothing happened. But it was set up that way.

After our second date, I was told that the ball was in my court. So I asked him out to workout again. He said he was busy. "Friend from out of town coming in... yada yada yada. Friend wants to go out... yada yada. Are you going out this weekend?"

Me go out? PUH-lease. I have shit to do. Of course not. Who the hell do u think I am? Some sort of idiot who's a part of the scene?

Great. He doesn't like me. Just before I send out a blunt short message to him, I think, Wait a minute? What am I hoping for here? Another awkward dinner date? I hardly know him. I asked him to workout b/c goddam it, that's all I know to do with him.

My friends are cool. I wonder if his friends are cool. I'd probably know if he likes me based on how he treats me around his friends. Bingo. Fuck being stuck indoors. From the bars I hear the call.

So I texted his ass. "I might go out, depending on work. If I do, I'll shoot you a text. Are you staying in your neighborhood?"

No, he was coming closer to my neighborhood.

I turn down invites from the Bois all the time. So this time, I accepted and steered the group towards the target gayborhood. Sometimes these things can be just so doable!

The group dwindled down to me and the chair of the LGBT group. He like loves me... hehe.

So we mosey-on-down to his favorite club... when lo' and behold, yessirreeee, we run into Super Boi. HAHAHA.

"Oh my gawd..." blah blah blah... where r u going??? where r U going?? blah blah blah.

We all went to the same club. He looked fantastic.

He made fun of me for wearing a fleece. Whatever. I'm not getting sick, though the real unsaid reason was that I was wearing a shirt that makes me look pretty damn good, and I hate parading around and having people look at me... I wanted to be seen by just one guy that evening, and the moment hadn't yet arrived for that...

We went inside and it was noisy as hell. We got drinks and I went to the bathroom. I primped a little, pee-ed, and lost the jacket. Time for my entrance. I pretended to look clueless and like the crowd was nearly always in my way. When I looked up. He was staring right at me. His body was towards the bar, but his head was turned right at me.

He looked slightly stunned, and then his glare was intense, and then he smiled. I looked down shyly and smiled ever so slightly, but never in a way that made it seem like it was about me.

Wow... it feels great to have his eyes on me. To be the objective of his gaze. I could freeze time and live forever, almost happy, if it were not for the fact that I wish I could behold him in the same way.

We found a sofa eventually. And he didn't end up next to me. I got along great with his friend, and he did as well with mine. We were all talking a mile a minute.

For brief moments, we talked amongst the four of us, and it seemed like the conversation at several points was about me and how much I like hot guys... he seemed to laugh, but he was uncomfortable.

He went to the bathroom, and the sofa seating arrangment got re-shuffled. He came back. I scooted down. He sat next to me.

He went dead silent. WTF??? What just happened. I made light conversation.

We talked a bit here and there. Awkward silence. Then, he took out his game boy. OMFG. He hung his head low in shame as he threw it on to his lap. Now it wasn't really a game boy. I don't know what the fuck it is--its just some game playing device. Except he didn't open it. And as he threw it down, he gave an expression of futility. And I laughed. Wow... u just can't talk when its with me can u? U can talk 2 my friend for ever and ever, but u can't talk to me.

As I laughed, I noticed he didn't open it. and so I said as I laughed, go ahead open it. But he shook his head.

Okay, I get it. The safety blanket, right?

Whatever.

I brought up conversation about his interests. He found it amusing. He laughed. Finally.

Another moment of silence.

He rubbed my wrist and forearm. I didn't know u were hairy, he said.

I'm not really.

That's what I thought, he said. In your picture, you don't have any hair on your chest.

He remembers my pic that well, eh?

Well, I don't. Just my arms and legs are hairy.

So then I rubbed his arms. You're just totally smooth like that??? Yes he said. I trim some. Yum.

What does your shirt say? I asked as he stuck out his chest, causing it to jump out and the split to look impossibly gorgoeous as the tear from the collar widened.

I don't know he says. I like it I said.

We talked and talked.

Listen, I know your busy, but I was wondering if on thursday, before we go to the recruiting event, you might be okay with having a quick dinner?

DINNER? he said and smiled. You want to do dinner? he said again.

Yea, I asked, and smiled.

Yea, I could do that. He said. I can meet you at 8.

Great.

We talked and talked amongst us all. We got up. Walked around and then walked out.

I should get going he said. I've been out since 10:30.

Me too I said. I don't want to mess up my sleeping schedule.

When we had to part ways. He stood up ram rod straight, and made no motion towards me. almost as if to make a point. how pathetic.

So I went up to him. Sweetly and drew myself to his ear. "It was great seeing you tonight," I whispered. He smiled.

"I'll see you then Thursday," he said. "Yup," I replied. "For dinner right?" he said this time wtih a big cocky smile. What the fuck was his problem?

"yea," I said reassuringly, wondering why he was making such a big deal out of it.

He didn't make any motion towards me. What a dork.

So I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He just kept smiling and didn't kiss me back. Warning. Warning. I wonder whats up with him? Can't he just be nice and reciprocate? Not over do it in either direction?

2 days later, he e-mailed me a one month free pass to his gym. Who would've thought? I guess he does want to see me again, right?

Tonight, as luck would have it, I ran into him just before getting to the event. We lightly hugged. He seemed distant. I thought it was biz casual dress? he said. I am dressed biz cas I said.

Oops. Someone asked me if I was an undergrad. Fuck, okay, gotta dress better next time. Since when are khakis and a polo collar shirt not biz cas?

We mingled and Ethan showed up and pretended to not recognize Super Boi AGAIN.

Super Boi and I left after the presentation for dinner. It rained and we shared my umbrella. It always rains when I'm with you he said. Maybe its the goddess of fertility sending us a sign I wanted to say. But I just smiled.

He took me to his favorite restaurant. He challenged me to eat the super spicy sauce. I did and didn't flinch. He freaked. HAHAHAHAHA.

We laughed. He was more relaxed. But the whole evening he didn't make a single gesture of flirtatiousness. the most erotic moment we had was when I put his name tag on. his body is soo hard.... rraaawwrrr.

i walked him home. he said he didn't want to go to the museum, when i tried to ask him out again.

i said ethan faked not knowing him.

well, i guess he could've forgotten me, he said. I'm just another face in the sea of gays in this city he said.

Puhlease, I said. U're too pretty I said. He laughed.

That's why I like you, I said. You don't realize how hot u r.

He didn't say antyhing in response.

well, this is my place, he said. cool i thought. nothing too impressive, but then again, I was here to be a gentleman.

which way to the bus stop I asked? He pointed. Great.

he again, leaned in, but didn't kiss me. he just let me kiss him on the cheek.

WTF?

this is getting annoying. wats his deal?

If this teasing shit goes on for too long... I think it already has. Tru tru, its a school night. But u know what, u don't have 2 fuck me to just throw me a fucken bone that u like me too. Do u have 2 b such a stingy ass?

I'm buying him a book. Its a book that's right on point with the super crazy comment he made during our second date. "You can never say in this city that someone likes you for who you really are."

the Love Letter

1L sent me a letter this morning... blew me away... like just blew me away....

I'm going to paraphrase most of it... just b/c I feel uncomfortable posting something so personal that someone wrote most likely for my eyes only.

He wrote he was really nervous to meet me because during the past 2 years, I've become one of his best friends. He talks to me more than anyone. He hopes that I am as important to him as well. He used *gasp* the "L" word to end the first paragraph. We use it often as 'friends'... but the "L" word in this context was a bit different.

He wrote he was scared that our encounter would be awkward and that the friendship would tank as a result. He was surprised that we were exactly the same though.

Then he totally fed my ego by saying that I was one of the hottest guys he had ever met. My 'looks' were 'distracting' and that he couldn't take his eyes off my cheeks and smile during dinner. He said he wasn't exaggerating. That made me blush SOO hard.

He loved cuddling with me... etc. etc.

He ended by saying that he knew we met for less than 24 hours but that regardless, he didn't know the extent to which he had feelings for me. The context was that his feelings were beyond friendship. He wrote that he also found it odd that writing these things to me was so easy. He felt that he could say anything to me.

Needless to say, I was floored, stunned, and just left dumb-struck at work. Tomorrow I'll post about my response, my fear, and my conversation with him tonight. He has invited me to be his date at a wedding in the fall...

Morning & Texting

This morning was a little tougher than others. It took me a while but then I realized--my law school admissions roll is over and my bubble is burst. I took it in for a few minutes... and then came back to my senses, and then I thought, "Should I stop for anything? Honestly?"

I keep trying to box myself in. If I don't go to a top 3 school--well, then, I'll never be President because all presidents have gone to such schools. Bullshit. The dumbest presidents have come from those schools too! Why can't I be the first?

There's nothing holding me back from changing history. There's nothing holding me back from defining my own future. Myths and superstitions abound. Had I paid attention to them--I would never have EVEN APPLIED! But look, here I am living what I thought was an impossible dream because I went for it.

So, I'm not stopping now. I will continue to go for it---over and over and over again. I will continue to live the miracles of a loser, for popular opinion is reality only until someone comes through and upsets the status quo.

I've run hard hills three days in a row prior to this morning. I'm not supposed to run them more than three days in a row without doing a day on the treadmill or in the pool. Whatever. I did a fourth day, and ran the fastest hills all week.

Now, getting off the Tony Robbins soap box...

1L has been radically different since my visit. His IMing is more engaging, and he's made it a point to say that he talks to no one as long as he talks to me.

I can see that. I do talk to him an inordinate amount of time. It's odd for a day to go by without some sort of text, IM, or phone conversation. Tonight he texted me that his friends want to meet me. I texted back--what did u say to them?!?

He responded, "I'll tell you later when we talk."

So I called him right there and then. He didn't pick up. He texted, "I'm in a noisy bar." Two minutes later he texts, "I'm also a bit drunk ;)" I wrote back, "Now I'm REALLY curious."

He texted, "Now I'm blushing."

I just texted back laughter, to which he replied, "Do you know that I always smile when I talk to you?"

That killed me. It really really killed me.

I got hard and this cold sinking feeling in my stomach all at the same time. You know, like you got away with something, but not really?

If he's really into me now, then I'm not. I like him A LOT. He makes me laugh and he even makes me feel accepted--perhaps even loved.

But I can't get into him physically. I mean, he can get me hard with the things he says. But is that enough?

Could I be monogamous on that basis?

I don't think so.

Could I be polygamous?

I want to believe so.

But probably not. I want the hottie genius. The witty, big-hearted, model good looking, everything and a bag of FUCKEN chips. That sounds so childish.

So I'll play along. I can get into 1L. I love him. No doubt. If I let myself, I wonder if I can fall into romantic love with him.

Where to Even Start -- the Reunion

Wow--just got back from my long law-school touring trip. I don't know where to even start honestly. The whole trip was just FULL of crazy happenings and funky twists I didn't see coming.

I'll start with the end of my trip which was the most 'dramatic' part. Perhaps the most selfish commodity anyone owns is one's 'personal schedule.'

Upon arrival in the City I quickly realized that I knew a ton of people there. Everybody wanted time and my regular friends wanted phone time. It just wasn't happening. Many people got upset at me. I'm not the best at quelling these sorts of situations quite yet.

Among them was my friend, to whom I'll refer to from here on out as Ring Girl--why? Because I've finally figured out that all she really wants is a ring from her ex-boyfriend. I wrote about her here and here. They most recently broke up for perhaps the most dramatic and complicated reason for which anyone can end a relationship. When the truth finally surfaced, it totally tore her up but left the potential for reconciliation. After my initial reaction to her situation, she said, "You're the only friend who would ever tell me that."

That was the biggest compliment anyone could've ever paid me and it went to my head. I know I am that person for her, and I just expect her to treat me like her best friend. Even if she's not my best friend. Awful, isn't it?

She again hosted me the first few days I was in the city. She would be away that weekend for a conference where she would be representing her company. I planned to stay with another long-time friend (who I'll now call Exgay because we met in ex-gay boot camp) about whom I wrote here, during the interluding days before going back to her place for my final day.

The couple of days I spent at Exgay's place were rough. The first night he treated me INCREDIBLY well. Carried my luggage for me and everything. The following day... well things just didn't compaginate so well. I could blame it on the wall-paint or anything else for that matter--but that's a separate post.

Anyway, I was dying to get back to Ring Girl's place. She said she wanted to get together to say good bye and all that because I would be leaving. I mean--we're fucken good friends and I travel a good bit. We'll see each other again. Still, I obliged. I just had to go to the gym I stipulated. "Great," she said, "Go do all u need to do at the gym and then we'll meet and hopefully do some shopping too." Aaaah the memories.

Meanwhile, 1L, about whom I wrote here, texts me inviting me to dinner. I haven't met 1L EVER. We've been scrambling to find a time and occasion for this long-overdue meeting. So I texted Ring Girl.

She gets upset. I've taken too long at the gym. She already has dinner plans with coworkers and it's networking crap she CANNOT pass up. She hadn't really mentioned this little detail. Whatever--we both have concurrent dinner plans. We'll just meet up afterwards.

1L delays by 75 minutes. Damn. Okay, no biggie. Ring Girl is afterall at a networking gig--that could go well past her scheduled ending. Plus, she did say, "I think it'll end at..." which I took to mean "I'll call you when I'm done".

I was nervous as FUCK about meeting 1L--I mean, we've never met--the potential for disappointment is gigantic.

Moreover, since I never expected to meet 1L, I've been very candid with him in terms of my self-perception. In other words, he knows I'm full of my self and is the person who has gotten to know best the version of me that gets expressed on this blog.

Yes--he has seen pictures and he does think highly of me in terms of my appearance, but still, people lie in order to oil conversations, and pictures--well, they are just representations of reality... just representations.

Also, after Facebooking each other, I learned to my horror that he knows a TON of people I know. I, of course, flipped as I quickly came to grips with the smallness of my world. So, I had to get to know him, if anything, to do damage control should the situation ever arise.

Of course, we have enjoyed each other's company over IM and phone for years now. He's heard me at my best and worst. I have known all about his deepest secrets and vice versa. He is my best gay friend.

We were to meet for Sushi and I arrived first. I quickly ran to the bathroom to fix myself up. Queen. I know:)

As fortune would have it, I was having an "On" day and I went back to the bar. A quick aside, I've never expressed attraction to 1L other than for his wit. While cute, he's not my type and doesn't get my juices flowing. However, I have often stated that I would fuck someone for their sheer quick witted-ness. I also know that since going to law school, he has gained quite a bit of weight. So, I prepared myself mentally.

When he walked in, he was essentially what I expected and I immediately glued my eyes to his. I didn't think about his appearance, but instead I thought of the experience of him as a friend for so many years. I also examined his reaction to me very rigorously. I saw him break away from my eyes as he scanned my face. He saw that I wasn't looking away and so he didn't look for long, but I could tell... he wanted to look longer. Wheeeewf... test one---pass.

We were seated by the hostesss and we launched into how the day had gone for each of us. It was hilarious! We knew each other as well as if we had been friends in person. We knew exactly what to ask about each point. We laughed hard and enjoyed the food LOTS. There was no need to keep the many appearances that plague my mind during first encounters--cuz afterall, he knew nearly everything about me.

As the dinner came to a close, I phoned Ring Girl. She didn't pick up. Geez... her dinner must have gone really late I thought and figured she'd see my missed call and return it. I left no voice-mail. Just when dinner was starting to end, I went to the bathroom. As we paid, 1L spritely quipped, "Starbucks?"

He has a knack for avoiding awkwardness. I REALLY like that about him. So, we went around the corner and grabbed coffee for him and tea for me. I looked around and the place was pretty large. The brick interior made it look better than most coffee shops.

I waited for him and asked, "So where do u want to sit?"
"How about my apartment?" he asked. He's just so to the point. "It's just around the corner," he affirmed.

"Sure," I said. He pointed out to me the window of his place as we approached. It was on the top floor of the building. Nice. "Just wait till you see the sexy view I have," was his response to my "Geeez whiz, all the way up there, huh?"

The building was damn nice, and his Penthouse view was to die for. As we sat in his living room shooting the shit. Ring Girl calls me.

"I'm so disappointed in you...." she starts. W-T-F ??? She's NEVER EVER spoken to me in this tone or in this way prior. I was soo stunned, I didn't even react until a while later.

"My roommates and I are in bed, and we are NOT getting up to open the door for you," she declared. OMG, wtf is going through her head.

"How inconsiderate.... blah blah blah... Where ARE YOU?!?! blah blah blah...." on and on she went.

The whole thing--a misunderstanding. "Fine," was my response. She was a little thrown off by that. "Well, where will u stay?" she inquired. "I'll figure something out," I replied confidently. 1L excused himself as soon as he heard her volume level.

She went on for quite some more time. How she expected to see me before I left. How my luggage was STILL there. How she had to go to the office early the next morning. How I had been treating her HORRIBLY considering that I was her guest and that it was expected of me to hang out with her. OMG--someone gag me.

WTF? She had a horribly and uniquely busy week at work. We both knew this. Why did I pick that time to visit? I didn't--it was two fucken admit days in a single week--I had to come during this time.

I got off the phone. She was a bit shocked. I didn't grovel for a damn thing. I just asked, when will u leave for work in the morning? Cool. I'll see you ten minutes prior to get my luggage. Where will u stay she asked? I'll figure it out. Don't worry about me. I was in full asshole mode.

I hung up. 1L was just looking at me. I smiled somewhat nervously and said, "Drama. Can I borrow your computer?"

Of course, he said. As I started transferring funds from my accounts and looking for a cheap hotel, I explained to him the craziness of Ring Girl. He interjected before I finished, "You can stay here," he said assertively.

I stopped typing. "Whoa... geee... thanks." It was late, and I didn't want to have to go through all of the motions.

So he showed me around his whole place. He had all this fancy photography framed on the walls. Half of them were of his first boy friend who was drop dead gorgeous. He's an I-banker now somewhere on the otherside of the world and supposedly an addict. Hope he still has that body though :)

Eventually, we settled and talked and watched TV. It was getting very late.

I know 1L and most importantly, I know when people are into me and how they react. Everyone hates a real tease. Everyone. No one likes to get turned down by a person to whom they are attracted--no matter what.

Here I am in the guys apartment meeting him for the first time. The situation seems obvious and yet no. I was going to have to do something with him. I just knew it just because if I didn't, things there was a chance... he'd be bitter about it. What???? Yea---I mean here he is doing all this stuff for me.... what was I to do?

So I stood up and went and stretched by the window. What you lookin at? he asked. Just enjoying the view I said, and then went back and sat next to him on the sofa. I had until then been sitting on a different sofa.

I was being a little obvious. We talked some more, and then in the middle of the conversation, he got up abruptly and said, It's late. You can either have the sofa or a half of my bed.

I looked at the sofa. I could never fit on it. I was way too tall. Uuuuuum.... I said. I guess I'll take half of your bed. Most people do, he said. Or they last about ten minutes on the sofa before they give up.

I changed into jammies. He liked what he saw. This one was mine to lose. He has a fetish for spooning. I would have to go with that.

So.... I said, it's been a while since your away message mentioned the need for spooning. He laughed. I laughed. So.... are you usually on the outside or inside. "Outside," he said as he folded the covers and laid down beside me. "Good," I said, as I slide right up to him, "cuz I'm usually the inside," and with that he wrapped himself around me. We giggled.

He turned off the lights and quickly came back to me. I felt weird. What was I doing? I just met this guy, and yet, that wasn't really the case. I needed to stay at his place, but then that wasn't necessarily true either. I wanted to him as a friend, but did that require physicality? Probably not, though it would help.

So why did I do it?

Because I wanted to experience someone liking me for who I was as well as for what I looked like. He knew the ugly parts of my personality, and yet was still my friend. He knew I wasn't into him physically. And yet he wasn't so rebuffed that he would stop expressing and demonstrating his appreciation for me in that way.

In essence, he was someone comfortable with himself enough to like me regardless of my response. I also just enjoy the attention :-p

As we settled into a comfortable spooning position, he got familiar with my body, and yet, he never went for my dick... good move on his behalf. I had already decided we weren't doing anything else. Cuz that would ruin the friendship as much as sex on the first date ends the possibility of a relationship. I learned that from the Doc experience.

I placed my hand over his, but he let go, and wrapped his hand around my chest. He moaned as he hugged me hard. He held me as he squeezed for several seconds while moaning. I got slightly hard. He really like me.

So I asked what I had been wondering, "I have a funny question," I asked. "What's up?" he said.

"Do I look like my pictures?"

"Yes..." he said. "You look better than your pictures really..."

Aaaaw... I felt better. What a sap I am, huh?

He stopped squeezing and we laid there for a several minutes before we started talking again.

We just shot the shit . We talked about everything. It was just lik IMing, except we were spooning. We couldn't see each other. Just hear each other's voices in the dark.

He moved his hand to my head and stroked my hair. Hilarious. He then began to run his fingers through it. I grew silent at his move. A few beats later as he continued to stroke, he said, "I like your hair."

I moaned slightly cuz I like people massaging my scalp as they stroke my hair. "Thanks," I said. "It's very beautiful," he said as if going out on a limb by acknowlding it.

It felt good. I felt like what a girl must feel when she's with a straight guy. Like the center of attention. Like you're just being... wanted. It felt great, and yet of course, weird because of the circumstances.

We laid there for at least an hour. Half of the time talking, and then eventually just lying there silently.

Periodically, he would just squeeze me really hard. I didn't know what to make of it. Among the things he said, "I'm glad your friend kicked you out.... he he" and "I could get used to this."

We ultimately fell asleep.

To be continued...

About the rest of my trip, all I can write is that it seemed like one big reunion with a bunch of peeps from high school, undergrad, and friends of friends. Yay for American collegiate diversity right? LOL