We all like to feel special.... birthdays, "personal" style, "i" phones/pods/books, etc.
and yet, we all like feel like we fit in... like we fit into some bigger picture. A fam, a set of students, professionals, ..., a "special" group.
Most of the time, I'm special just in my head. I walk around speaking to myself as if I were some unique creature. But I live my life in a sort of fear of sticking out.
If you see me walking around the city, and if its even mildly cold, I'll be wearing a scarf that overs up my face. During the summer perhaps sun glasses or a brimmed hat.
I only wear long sleaves, and most of my clothes are baggy.
And for the most time, my get up, and my "act" works... I pass along life quietly living my own little special life.
But every so often, there comes a circumstance that lets me know... maybe i'm not quite like everybody else. And maybe, i should be grateful and maybe I should make lemmonade.
I'm hosting an admitted student. He went to my undergrad. He's picking between here, Columbia, Harvard, and Upenn. Tough choices--in the best way possible of course.
But.... as I was telling him about my experience, I suddenly realized. I sound so fake. I sound like a canned commercial, and then I qualified myself, just like the fine print on the screen of an infomercial--"Well, honestly though, I think my experience has been unique...." Really, I just said that.
He left. He was cynical. He was intense. Afterall, he was a minority gay man. Not an easy lot. And while I technically fit into that category. I have it easy. I can pass, or at the very least. I'm considered sexy. But that's not everybody, and that's when I realize, I have to be grateful, I can still get angry, and I have to make lemmonade.
I don't write much about this... b/c i hate it. the hierarchy. i love what i get from it, but what about others?
WTF am I supposed to do?
I'm popular. He said he heard it could be lonely in the big city.
LONELY?! *LONELY*?!
I have to FIGHT for my personal time. I have so many people guilting me through why don't you come to this party or that dinner or drinks or such and such event...
When are we going to go out?
But you promised...
So I qualified myself again... uhm, my undergraduate experience was very different.
But then I thought about that some more, and I called up one of my best friends from ugrad.
"I wasn't popular then," I said to her.
"YES YOU WERE!" she squealed. I flipped. What the hell was she talking about?
"Wellll...... perhaps not popular," she back peddled, "but everybody knew who you were, and everybody gossipped about you...... .... You were definitely... I'd say... infamous."
I did what I could only do. I laughed. Wow....
"REALY?!?!" I said in some disbelief. I mean, I suspected, but now here was this girl who spoke on a regular basis with most people with whom I never conversed, telling me that all these people talked about me.
I rarely spoke to anyone.
"Yea.. u've definitely matured though," she said. "You learned to be nice.... You came out... It's worked out for you."
I was a bit rattled, and then it did hit me. People did like me a lot in undergrad. I just pushed them away. I hated the spotlight, and I still somewhat do. Hence why I write anonymously.
But I didn't know what to do about the kid. Would he be as popular? He had been in the city the past 2 summers. He didn't seem to make new friends.
What makes me so popular? Even when I'm actively pushing people away?
I didn't know what to tell the kid....
Coming out was a bitch... but now I realize. It was the first step. I thought I was going to post about it, but now I realize that it will take several posts...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sometimes
I really being me.... HEHE... I mean WTF?
My life can be SOOOOOOOOOO much fun =)
I'm just having one of those moments ;)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
New Goal
I want awesome legs.... I mean REALLY hot legs... I'm on my way to it. I got the shoulders I wanted... Now its time for phase 2 =)
Look at how this guy's thigh muscles just curve out from his hip area. That's what I want. His leg muscle just slightly flare out from his booty. YUM.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
the Out-of-Towner
Wow... It's been a while since I've gotten down with someone. But this guy deserves an Oscar for his performance tonight =)
As you might've guess by now, my reputation and my anonymity matter a great deal to me. So what happens when everybody at the school goes away for Spring Break such that Tino need not worry about running into anyone he knows while out on the town?
Yep...
This really cute guy messaged me on MH earlier this week. Unlike 99.99% of the messages I get on Manhunt, his initially was about wanting to get to know me, wanting to get together, and wanting to stay in touch b/c he was only in the city for a week. Throughout the week he messaged me with his facebook information, his yahoo information, his hotmail information, etc. etc. Throughout it all however, he somehow managed to not come across as clingy. Its a tough balance but he somehow managed it.
Plus, his pics were cute and its not often I think that about a profile. Bodies can be worked out. Beautiful faces aren't such simple matters. I wanted to meet this one.
We were supposed to get together at 2pm today, but alas I'm an ass and I just blew him off. He messaged me. I apologized. He accepted and we agreed on dinner. Nice. Much better.
We met up and he was cute as hell. He was shy but nonetheless very outgoing. We had LOTS in common. Almost scary, but it's happened to me more and more. I didn't know where we were having dinner and I asked him what type of food he like. He said he really like Indian food. I was taking him to an American place, but when we got there, it was packed. So we walked a couple more blocks, and lo and behold, we found an Indian restaurant!
We sat ate, and talked. He was very real. I was REALLY surprised. Maybe its b/c he wasn't American, but from the very beginning he was telling me really interesting and honest stuff about his life. Note--he has a life, a nice start huh?
He's been a lawyer for three years and just got into business school. He's going in the fall. He worked in corporate law at some of the top corporations around the world. He has citizenship in Europe and in South America. I swear I love this city. I just LOVE this city.
He was supposed to meet his friend after dinner, but his friend texted him that he was undecisive about whether to go out. So we went for coffee. We talked about coming out, our parents (which oddly enough were in the same exact fields) and what it was like to grow up in a high pressure family. Very familiar shit.
He told me about what it was like to be closeted in the business world, and how different it was to be gay in different parts of the world. The guy knew his shit. It was an awesome conversation.
Finally, over coffee I asked if he had ever had a boyfriend. He travels so much that indeed it seemed unlikely. He confirmed. He really never has.
So we talked about what the dating protocol was in different countries. I mentioned how I came to learn that sex, if you really like a guy, should be delayed to at the earliest the 3rd date. He gawked. His jaw hit the ground. He told me about all these different countries where not having sex early on is equivalent to telling someone that they are just going to be friends.
So we talked about all these differences in gay life around the world. Finally, he told me how dispassionate American men seemed to be. How here whenever he kissed a guy, the other guy would go wild and rave about his kissing. He never thought he was doing anything special. I got hard, instantly. We left the coffee shop and his friend still hadn't called or texted.
We started walking towards my place. I bought mints. We shared them. He then started telling me about how so many men on Manhunt pretended to be so horn but that when they met up in person, they seemed to be so reticent about sex. I told him it was ironically often because they were too insecure to make the first move. Oh, I can understand that, he said, I have a pretty low self-esteem, but I know it's just in my head. This guy was BRILLIANT. He was saying all the right stuff. It was forward and obvious but not annoying.
So then he started talking about how his gay friends viewed hooking up in different ways, but that he realized at one point that he learned so much just from meeting guys in general. So then I said to him what my insecurity was: I wasn't as experienced sexually as other gay guys b/c I had come out late and b/c I had not ever really gone through a whore phase.
We laughed, and finally I asked--if he would give me lessons ;)
He laughed, and said, definitely.
He called his friend and they arranged a plan for him to get back to his place. They were to meet in 2 hours. We got busy fairly quick. When he was at my place he was still really shy. I had to make the first move. He was SOOOO fucken pretty.
For the longest time we just started at each other. He mauled my neck, which I LOVE, and my nipples, and my ass, and well ;-p
He was late to meet his friend---real late. I called his friend and apologized for him. He friended me on facebook. Ironically, I got a message from PB during all of this. PB is dancing at a big party this coming week and asked to stay with me. Yum... but, he's immature and I don't know if I can deal. So I declined. I never expected him to want to hang out with me during his time in the city since I denied him a favor. But, what do I know... He texted me and asked if I would come with him to the party.
Parties at which he dances are usually a big deal. He's regarded as one of the top strippers in the country. I couldn't believe he wanted to hang out with me despite me turning him down.
Just before leaving, the Traveler and I had to make out one last time. Fuck damn his eyes were SOOOO beautiful. Gargantuan and green, with super long eyelashes. His hair was somewhere in between dark blonde and light brown. His smile was gorgeous.
I stared at him long, hard, and often. When are you coming back? I asked. As soon as possible, he said.
Nice.
As you might've guess by now, my reputation and my anonymity matter a great deal to me. So what happens when everybody at the school goes away for Spring Break such that Tino need not worry about running into anyone he knows while out on the town?
Yep...
This really cute guy messaged me on MH earlier this week. Unlike 99.99% of the messages I get on Manhunt, his initially was about wanting to get to know me, wanting to get together, and wanting to stay in touch b/c he was only in the city for a week. Throughout the week he messaged me with his facebook information, his yahoo information, his hotmail information, etc. etc. Throughout it all however, he somehow managed to not come across as clingy. Its a tough balance but he somehow managed it.
Plus, his pics were cute and its not often I think that about a profile. Bodies can be worked out. Beautiful faces aren't such simple matters. I wanted to meet this one.
We were supposed to get together at 2pm today, but alas I'm an ass and I just blew him off. He messaged me. I apologized. He accepted and we agreed on dinner. Nice. Much better.
We met up and he was cute as hell. He was shy but nonetheless very outgoing. We had LOTS in common. Almost scary, but it's happened to me more and more. I didn't know where we were having dinner and I asked him what type of food he like. He said he really like Indian food. I was taking him to an American place, but when we got there, it was packed. So we walked a couple more blocks, and lo and behold, we found an Indian restaurant!
We sat ate, and talked. He was very real. I was REALLY surprised. Maybe its b/c he wasn't American, but from the very beginning he was telling me really interesting and honest stuff about his life. Note--he has a life, a nice start huh?
He's been a lawyer for three years and just got into business school. He's going in the fall. He worked in corporate law at some of the top corporations around the world. He has citizenship in Europe and in South America. I swear I love this city. I just LOVE this city.
He was supposed to meet his friend after dinner, but his friend texted him that he was undecisive about whether to go out. So we went for coffee. We talked about coming out, our parents (which oddly enough were in the same exact fields) and what it was like to grow up in a high pressure family. Very familiar shit.
He told me about what it was like to be closeted in the business world, and how different it was to be gay in different parts of the world. The guy knew his shit. It was an awesome conversation.
Finally, over coffee I asked if he had ever had a boyfriend. He travels so much that indeed it seemed unlikely. He confirmed. He really never has.
So we talked about what the dating protocol was in different countries. I mentioned how I came to learn that sex, if you really like a guy, should be delayed to at the earliest the 3rd date. He gawked. His jaw hit the ground. He told me about all these different countries where not having sex early on is equivalent to telling someone that they are just going to be friends.
So we talked about all these differences in gay life around the world. Finally, he told me how dispassionate American men seemed to be. How here whenever he kissed a guy, the other guy would go wild and rave about his kissing. He never thought he was doing anything special. I got hard, instantly. We left the coffee shop and his friend still hadn't called or texted.
We started walking towards my place. I bought mints. We shared them. He then started telling me about how so many men on Manhunt pretended to be so horn but that when they met up in person, they seemed to be so reticent about sex. I told him it was ironically often because they were too insecure to make the first move. Oh, I can understand that, he said, I have a pretty low self-esteem, but I know it's just in my head. This guy was BRILLIANT. He was saying all the right stuff. It was forward and obvious but not annoying.
So then he started talking about how his gay friends viewed hooking up in different ways, but that he realized at one point that he learned so much just from meeting guys in general. So then I said to him what my insecurity was: I wasn't as experienced sexually as other gay guys b/c I had come out late and b/c I had not ever really gone through a whore phase.
We laughed, and finally I asked--if he would give me lessons ;)
He laughed, and said, definitely.
He called his friend and they arranged a plan for him to get back to his place. They were to meet in 2 hours. We got busy fairly quick. When he was at my place he was still really shy. I had to make the first move. He was SOOOO fucken pretty.
For the longest time we just started at each other. He mauled my neck, which I LOVE, and my nipples, and my ass, and well ;-p
He was late to meet his friend---real late. I called his friend and apologized for him. He friended me on facebook. Ironically, I got a message from PB during all of this. PB is dancing at a big party this coming week and asked to stay with me. Yum... but, he's immature and I don't know if I can deal. So I declined. I never expected him to want to hang out with me during his time in the city since I denied him a favor. But, what do I know... He texted me and asked if I would come with him to the party.
Parties at which he dances are usually a big deal. He's regarded as one of the top strippers in the country. I couldn't believe he wanted to hang out with me despite me turning him down.
Just before leaving, the Traveler and I had to make out one last time. Fuck damn his eyes were SOOOO beautiful. Gargantuan and green, with super long eyelashes. His hair was somewhere in between dark blonde and light brown. His smile was gorgeous.
I stared at him long, hard, and often. When are you coming back? I asked. As soon as possible, he said.
Nice.
Monday, March 09, 2009
the Bois
Well, the new ones, anyway... the Couple.
I scratched off my list Two. He's just too stupid. Its quite obvious to me that he either hates me, and thinks I'm awful in some way--OR hates being attracted to me. From what I can piece together, the latter explanation makes more sense. He's rude to me nonetheless. I've tried to be nice and give him ample opportunities to avail himself of my friendship, and all I get back is coldness. Well, screw him. He's retarded. Seriously.
At one event, he sat in the row in front of me after grabbing food. I had brought my own per usual, but the LGBT group had bought everyone else Thai food. We were the only ones on that side of the room, and after filling his plate, he comes over, looks at me, sits down, and just turns his back towards me. I mean WTF?!?! Just totally rude. No one else around, and yet we totally know each other. As he did look at me, I noticed him looking at my self-prepared meal. So AFTER turning his back towards me, he turns around, and says, "Aren't you going to get some Thai food?"
Retard.
"Oh, I had forgotten they were buying us lunch and I packed mine already... I might grab some later," and I smiled politely. Then, he proceeded to turn his back to me AGAIN. That was it. I lost it. You f-ck-n little piece of shit have the nerve to be nosy and ask me such a stupid question, and just ignore me b/c you have nothing better to say. Outrageous.
Then again, I'm not that judgmental and I wanted answer. "Two," I boomed authoritatively. He turned around like the twerp that he was. "What are you doing ater law school?" I asked.
Public interest. Aaaah. Gotcha. What kind? I don't know he says. I'm trying out direct services this summer.
U don't know? I think to myself. After what I've heard about how much you hate corporate America, and after summarily dismising the possibility of doing something in the private sector, you tell me that you don't know??? That you don't have a solid and convincing rationale for such a major decision in your life?
F-ck Off.
Need I explain why a pair of hot and ultra-successful older dudes seeking a 3rd playmate might have some appeal?
OMG--I can't deal w/ my peers when it comes to relationships and careers. WTF.
The couple wanted to play this past time we had dinner. But I somehow established an ultimatum--I wanted to hang with them individually prior to fucking. I saw them at the gym a couple times this past weekend. They were aloof. The lawyer was downright ice cold to me with the tone of his voice. Something might've been up with him regarding work or something else--he seemed glued to his blackberry. Nonetheless, I figured from their reaction that the dinner was the last.
But then today, I e-mailed the non-lawyer just asking how his weekend went. He replied and said he was free this week to hang out. Whoa... he didn't forget.
Looks like I have to live up to my words...
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Still Looking for...
parents. It's sad. But I recognize it. I want this couple to give me love and security. OMG--that's NUTS :(
Saturday, March 07, 2009
the Couple, Again
Well, yea, they meant it.
They wanted to play this time, but I was honest and said I'd rather hang out w/ them one on one before getting down to boogie.
They were fine w/ it! I couldn't believe it. Most people leave at that pt. They'd complain that I'm just a tease.
We had steak. We talked for hours again. Had a blast...
This is gonna be interesting...
They wanted to play this time, but I was honest and said I'd rather hang out w/ them one on one before getting down to boogie.
They were fine w/ it! I couldn't believe it. Most people leave at that pt. They'd complain that I'm just a tease.
We had steak. We talked for hours again. Had a blast...
This is gonna be interesting...
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Reality Overload
I move so fast in life, that like in house music, I just have a break down, a day when I just have to halt everything and just think.
I fell hard for this couple. In particular really just the lawyer. He's so fucken hot. So tall. Such broad butch shoulders and killer arms and pecs. His painfully shy smile and expressive eyes. Angular jaw and dimples. It just ... killed me. So brilliant... so intuitive. I'm insanely jealous.
How did his boyfriend nab him? Why does his boyfriend seem to be the one pushing for this 3rd person? Why would anyone feel like they need another when u have such an incredible package all to yourself?
We had dinner. At their place. Which was of course... palatial. I thought the non-lawyer was a trophy boyfriend. I assumed as much from the fact that he had a totally jacked body without having to go to the gym. However, I googled after I got both of their full names. Instead, he's a multi-millionaire. An entrepreneur who made his fortune during the tech boom. Now, he just takes up hobbies. Wow... must be nice ;) and he gets the gorgeous brilliant hubby.... wow...
The lawyer was a totally different guy when he opened the door. Gone was the shyness and painful awkwardness. Instead of the demure boyish awkwardness from the gym, I got the piercing confidence of a jock at home in his domain. He was wearing a black muscle tee... He's pale, which contrasted the shirt making the muscles of his arm look even fuller.
"Hey," he said. He didn't ask how I was. Or anything. It's as if he didn't need to know. As if he just assumed why I was there.
Before I got there, they texted me asking me if we could do dessert first. I texted back, "It doesn't matter. I don't eat dessert."
They texted: "Haha, dessert = you."
"I'm sorry," I texted, "but I don't fuck on a first date--hence the headline of my profile. If that doesn't work for you guys I understand."
It's cool, they replied, Just come over.
At least I averted a very embarassing moment.
So, you spent the day at the opera, I asked the lawyer. He told me the intricate plot. Like a boy telling you about his favorite action movie, he told me all the intricate details. I pretended like I understood and cared.
We sat down, and they started cooking. We went over my upbringing, parents, childhood, law school experience, undergrad, coming out process, forthcoming summer internship, gym, and schedule all in about 1.25 hours. I got from them how they met, their careers, their upbringings, friends at the gym, and past relationships.
The lawyer got nervous when he realized just how many people I knew. He got taken aback when he realized I knew a bunch of people he knew.
He asked me some very penetrating questions. Yes, pun intended, and yes, he's the top.
He listens so intensely. You can see everything in his eyes. His thoughts, his reactions, his soul.
Everyone falls in love with him. His first summer... he dated his immediate superior. He didn't realize there could be an issue. One of his closest co-workers is a former lover who never got over him and followed his career path. Still, he seems to carry himself in a drama free way. Hence the attraction.
I realize in the end that I just want one thing from them. Intimacy. They figured this out. Its not so easy to get that from a fuck. Its even harder if its a trouple (couple of a three). I'm the one who's left without. I'm no big deal to them. I'm one of many in a sea of hotties at a gym known to have one of the hottest populations in the world...
The lawyer suggested dinner next time, again.
Do they mean it?
I fell hard for this couple. In particular really just the lawyer. He's so fucken hot. So tall. Such broad butch shoulders and killer arms and pecs. His painfully shy smile and expressive eyes. Angular jaw and dimples. It just ... killed me. So brilliant... so intuitive. I'm insanely jealous.
How did his boyfriend nab him? Why does his boyfriend seem to be the one pushing for this 3rd person? Why would anyone feel like they need another when u have such an incredible package all to yourself?
We had dinner. At their place. Which was of course... palatial. I thought the non-lawyer was a trophy boyfriend. I assumed as much from the fact that he had a totally jacked body without having to go to the gym. However, I googled after I got both of their full names. Instead, he's a multi-millionaire. An entrepreneur who made his fortune during the tech boom. Now, he just takes up hobbies. Wow... must be nice ;) and he gets the gorgeous brilliant hubby.... wow...
The lawyer was a totally different guy when he opened the door. Gone was the shyness and painful awkwardness. Instead of the demure boyish awkwardness from the gym, I got the piercing confidence of a jock at home in his domain. He was wearing a black muscle tee... He's pale, which contrasted the shirt making the muscles of his arm look even fuller.
"Hey," he said. He didn't ask how I was. Or anything. It's as if he didn't need to know. As if he just assumed why I was there.
Before I got there, they texted me asking me if we could do dessert first. I texted back, "It doesn't matter. I don't eat dessert."
They texted: "Haha, dessert = you."
"I'm sorry," I texted, "but I don't fuck on a first date--hence the headline of my profile. If that doesn't work for you guys I understand."
It's cool, they replied, Just come over.
At least I averted a very embarassing moment.
So, you spent the day at the opera, I asked the lawyer. He told me the intricate plot. Like a boy telling you about his favorite action movie, he told me all the intricate details. I pretended like I understood and cared.
We sat down, and they started cooking. We went over my upbringing, parents, childhood, law school experience, undergrad, coming out process, forthcoming summer internship, gym, and schedule all in about 1.25 hours. I got from them how they met, their careers, their upbringings, friends at the gym, and past relationships.
The lawyer got nervous when he realized just how many people I knew. He got taken aback when he realized I knew a bunch of people he knew.
He asked me some very penetrating questions. Yes, pun intended, and yes, he's the top.
He listens so intensely. You can see everything in his eyes. His thoughts, his reactions, his soul.
Everyone falls in love with him. His first summer... he dated his immediate superior. He didn't realize there could be an issue. One of his closest co-workers is a former lover who never got over him and followed his career path. Still, he seems to carry himself in a drama free way. Hence the attraction.
I realize in the end that I just want one thing from them. Intimacy. They figured this out. Its not so easy to get that from a fuck. Its even harder if its a trouple (couple of a three). I'm the one who's left without. I'm no big deal to them. I'm one of many in a sea of hotties at a gym known to have one of the hottest populations in the world...
The lawyer suggested dinner next time, again.
Do they mean it?
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