The Mutant (2) & Halloween

My Halloween prep is in full swing. I'm in the belly of the whale, i.e. no salt, tons of potassium, and limited water intake. This is the part that sucks the most. But it is all worth it in order to look shredded and dry on the day of the partay.

Devoid of carbs and water, my muscles have shriveled up. However, my face has decided to join in on the action. My features have become so sharp. That, coupled with my stepped up facial routine, has left me with quite the cover on this book.

I get stares almost wherever I go and I notice that when I interact with people, they are not just looking at me to communicate, but they are simultaneously gazing at me. I just went to the convenience store across my building and I couldn't make eye contact with the "straight" Indian cashier. In addition to gazing at me, he couldn't hide his lascivious grin off his face. Distracted, he dropped my change and apologized profusely. He still couldn't stop smiling. I was forced to look up at him to acknowledge his apology, but then I made sure to just keep my eyes on my change.

The gym has noticed my facial changes too it seems. Yesterday, I was extracting reluctant grins from almost every regular gym goer there. I wanted however to see the Artist and the Mutant. Neither showed.

Munchkin was there though. And as I stretched, I felt his eyes burning right through me. He has such an incredibly beautiful face that I don't understand why he even would recall me. But last night, as I stretched in front of a mirror, I stole a look at him and then I looked at my reflection, and I was compelled to admit... Someone might actually think we're in the same league of attractiveness. Good fucken gawd.

That was yesterday. Today I got there and everybody was there. Except the Mutant. Since he missed yesterday, I figured he'd be in today. I was right.

Munchkin and his crew were there today too. There's another little one that's roided up that although not beautiful, has a sort of cute "charm" to him. I saw him talking up the Mutant a couple weeks back. Today, Charming Roid Boy followed up again and Munchkin and the Crew descended on him as if to anoint him.

Lucky Mutant. He was being ushered into the cool group. Even though he's been working out next to Munchkin for over 4 mos now, the official inauguration brings with it actual acknowledgement. A trainer was talking to me when this happened but I witnessed it all through the reflection in a mirror. I was dying of jealousy both because I have never been approached like that by that group and because I didn't want to lose the Mutant to that crew.

Was he prettier than me? Eh. I make Charming Roid Boy shit a brick with my presence. So I doubt he's perceived that way.

I know Mutant has been dating someone. An actual honest to gawd nice guy. Imagine that. The Nice Guy is in a separate but overlapping clique with the Crew. That likely explains the familiarity and subsequent anointing. My heart sank. It sank into the pit of my stomach, where it hurt.

I turned on my tablet and threw myself into a good book, after I dismissed the trainer. I looked up every so often during the following hour. The Crew had left. Mutant was left alone.

I caught him staring at me from that crazy long distance between my treadmill and where he was working out. I know nonetheless that the way the lighting is in this gym, one can see clearly enough between these two points so as to even make out facial expressions.

He flinched both times, terrified that he would be and had in fact been caught by me.

I pretended not to have noticed and continued reading. I wanted to give him permission to look, afterall, it was and right now is, all I have.

Why do I like him? Why why why when a few weeks back I considered him second rung or tier?

I realized, he's not a queen. He's not bitchy. He doesn't play games. And THAT is golden.

We've swapped e-mails and conversed. But there is an awkwardness on his part towards me. I've seen him discombobulate whenever I run into him and he didn't expect it. I feel crazy awkward around him too but I think I have managed to hide it well. I *think.* I asked him to workout. He declined. He's not the type that works out well with others. I tried to follow it up with conversation. He looked down and said, "I better get started on my ab routine." He bolted off. During our last long conversation, he rambled, and then, rudely, said, "I'd better get back to my workout." Then without waiting for any acknowledgment from me, just bolted.

He seems so uber confident when he's not around me. He knows he's utterly gorgeous as he towers over most at the gym. He struts the lockerroom in a towel, knowing his symmetry puts even the hottest among us to shame. He's the third recently like this... Why do these very confident men fall apart and ramble when we talk?

Can I assume that he likes me and want to avoid me because he really likes the guy he's with?  That's the ideal interpretation. Nice Guy is not a great beauty. Just attractive. Nice Guy and I, appearance-wise, are almost complete opposites in terms of "type." I have until now assumed that I am not Mutant's type and he's being polite in rebuffing my "friendly" overtures. His potentially "rude" foibles I have written off as attempts at propriety. He could otherwise just be actually flat out rude. But given that he stares at me, even yet still, makes that latter interpretation a little less likely than the former.

So they came for you, Mutant, and brought you into their fold. My only consolation is that your eyes were on me this evening... Even though they may not bring me in... Even though I seem to remain an outsider... I can at the very least, and indeed it is the VERY least, savor the fact that they cannot ignore me. Even their soon to be neophyte has eyes that seem to often come to rest on me.