Balancing Act

I have several friends who gave up love in the name of a career. One--ibanker with an amazing fiancee who was also an ibanker. She quit her job. He didn't. They tried to make it work. She ran off with a romantic photographer. He lost the love of his life. She was the envy of all his friends becasue she had amazing personality, brains, and looks. Two--soon to be lawyer from a top 5 school. His boyfriend was not a college grad and he was at a top undergrad school. Despite very different backgrounds, they beat the odds for a while and got engaged. Conflict arose when it was time to pick which law school smart boy would attend. Consensus never came about and the relationship ended after the first year. He still regrets and now says that he will not prioritize career over relationships. He has however secured that first job offer at a phenomenal firm. He still wakes up in the middle of night, dreaming of his ex. A less clear cut case is of a writer, who met her boyfriend abroad. He was there for a semester. She for the year. He asked her to stay. She did not concede. Her time abroad might be crucial to her future as a writer. Their relationship suffered afterwards. Post graduation, he began ibanking. He basically disappeared and put the relationship in purgatory. She moved to follow him. They don't know what will happen next. They want each other, but they are scared about whether they are willing to make the commitments necessary to make each other the priority.

Two other couples I know--have set dates for the big event. Both were college sweet hearts and each of the females in the pairs went off to top 3 professional schools. Both boys put their plans on hold and followed their women to their respective destinations. One guy joined his spouse at the same university which luckily also had a top 3 school for his field. The other is still figuring his lifecourse out, but he has made it abundantly clear that his fiancee is his number one priority.

I mention the ranks and fields of some of these individuals because often--prestige is a major temptation. What the fuck do you do when you get the opportunity of a lifetime? Hurray if its congruent with everything else, but what if its not? Someone I once knew told me that the most successful people he knew were those who were able to balance everything.

I was chatting with one of the guys who lost his love. He explained how in the past 3 months of anguish, he has reprioritized his life. Now its a question of whether he will be able to recognize love the next time it may happen.

I said that I had made a similar decision long ago. He asked, with whom? He knows I've never had a relationship that would pose such a fork in the road.

But I explained that before, I was not out, would never consider coming out, had the most shallow idea of love, and could not emotionally regulate anything relationally oriented. Plus, I have been ugly--where it matters most.

I was not just confused, I was clueless. Getting a clue would take more than just a bump and a bruise. A lot more. My first semester in college, I got near perfect grades. I was taking advanced upper level courses. When I proved to myself that I could pull it off, I faced the fact that doing so didn't make me happy. I was so unhappy--and my achievement didn't change my inner status.

Perhaps its the prior unhappiness that is the real issue--although I faced those too when I decided to get started on figuring shit out.

Before I could find love, I needed to become a person I could love. Cliche #1: much evil in the world is an externality from the actions of individuals who are unhappy with themselves. I hope not to add to this ordeal.