Sweet Dreams

I had a dream about Asian boi. It was kind of intense.

In my dream, we weren't in a place like where I work or schooled. Instead, the place was really urban. Like really urban--in a not so hot way. It had, as one of my siblings likes to say, personality. It was somewhere in the hood. There was graffiti.

I was in my apartment or room, and someone was coming over. I think it was actually a group of people. They came in and we were all chatting. It totally reminded me of the vibe I get whenever I go to any type of LGBT event--everyone is non-mainstream, and I hate to write, deviant from convention.

I don't know how this happened, but there was this tall Asian there. I couldn't immediately tell if it was a boi or a girl. The confusion was due to the fact that he was wearing long hair and it sort of covered his face. His features were pretty either for a guy or a girl. He also wore clothes that didn't make his gender clear. He was wearing blue jeans and a white tee. That should've made it clear on most people, except that Asians can often have similar body types across sex.

Asian boi is phenomenally built and shaped--exceptionally so. However, he can wear certain tops that seriously obfuscate all of these qualities--it boggles my mind really, because under most circumstances he cannot.

In the dream, this Asian person approached me, came to stand directly in front of me, started talking to me, and then I think I said something wrong, or missed something, and this Asian quickly began walking away. I suddenly realized that it was actually AB. I think he had hinted at it, and I had dismissed his hint with derisive laughter.

When I came to the realization that he was indeed AB, I instantly reached out with my arm to motion him back and called out to him. He turned to look at me, and as he twisted his shoulder, the short sleave of his tee rode up, and I could see all the musclature that is so unique to him. His massive and perfectly built shoulders, his incredibly smooth and slightly tanned skin, and the muscle fibers that run throughout his delts, lower pecs, and tie into rib cage. So, I couldn't see that very last part, but his shoulder twisting made me realize--it was him without a doubt.

I ran and stood in front of him, apologizing and calling him by his name. He smiled, obnoxiously and smugly. He knew he had me, as he always knew he did.

I melted because his new 'look' so very much emphasized all that was sexy about his face. His eyes and high cheek bones. The ultra smooth skin and the pretty smile. I couldn't get over it.

I also was reeling from the shock of seeing him dressed in a counter culture sort of way--like an urban hippie or hipster. He wore a bag diagonally across his chest, he sported tats, and the clothes were not as clean cut, pressed, or as perfectly conventionally worn as his usual outfits in real life.

I asked him to come back later, when everyone was gone. He smiled--smugly--and agreed. It was the next day or later, but it was brighter in my dream.

He arrived, I let him in, and we start talking. I can't remember exactly about what. I think it was about us, and how things used to be, at the gym. We were each attempting to recast the past according to his advantage. He might have been out, or I might have understood that already at this point in the dream. I got frustrated by our games and attempts to one each other in our accounts of how things used to be back at the old university gym. So I reached up to his neck, and pulled him hard into a kiss. He pulled away a bit initially, but then I started to massage his lips and tongue with my own tongue and I twisted my neck to make the moves more effective. His resistance ceased, and he started to kiss me too. I knew he wanted me, and I knew that we were just playing games. I knew that after the initial shock he would be into this, and finally, we would get down to business.

Our hands went down to our torsos and midsections, and I led him to a couch. I smiled at him, hoping hard that we would finally get butt-naked with each other. He smiled back at me as if knew what I was thinking.

There was a ring--either a buzzer at the door or a phone.

I picked up. The call demanded my immediate attention. I went outside for a moment to speak to someone. It was taking longer than I expected.

I knew I had left Asian boi in the room all primed and ready to go.

I then decided to feel self-important about this whole scenario, so I didn't make my best effort to cut off the conversation with this other person.

Finally, I realized that by any standard I had killed the mood and taken too long. So I told the person I had to go right away and got back only in time to see Asian boi walking out of my door. I followed him out, pleading with him to forgive me and to come back. He smiled at me smugly and knowingly and refused.

He said, "Maybe some other time," smiled, and walked away into a bright but grey day. I was so angry and sad, most likely at and with myself.

Busy, Busy, Busy--a Good Busy

I had such a totally packed day... not a moment's rest--and this time it was all about chilling with people. I totally get caught up in work for so many days in a row that I don't actually interact with folk. So, this weekend I did differently.

I woke-up and after I masturbated to some awesome pics, I went running.

Holy shit, I ran intervals and I totally blasted myself. I mean FUCK--I killed myself but I've progressed so much over the past few weeks. I upped the volume of the workout by 25% and I'm getting faster. It also just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore to do hard workouts all the time--that's probably what makes me the happiest. This trend helps ensure long term improvement.

After that, I realized that I had a deadline for my new job which I sort of already started. I didn't know if I could make the deadline but I did. I had to whip up this doc and make it sound totally shnazzy. It happened. Just in the nick of time too, because I had to delay a lunch date with a new asian guy by an hour to finish my assignment.

I made it out to his place just in time. We were going for sushi. We met at this random party about a week and a half ago. I had however seen him at a random get-together 3 weeks ago. The only two gay things I've attended in the past several months. I noticed him at the first gay event because he was tall and handsome. However, he was kind of chunky so I was like---eh. He also seemed to NOT notice me AT ALL. Like, I didn't even appear as a bug on his radar.

I have often had the suspicion that some people overcompensate for the attractiveness of other's by blocking them out fiercely. I've done this before, but I would like to refrain from being so conceited as to constantly believe others act this way towards me.

So at the first party, we never exchanged words or even glances. At the second, someone told me that he was from the same state as me. So eventually, I just went over and said the obvious, "So, I hear you're from... so and so."

He was talkative right away. YEA!--where exactly are you from?? He asked loudly. We talked, and talked, and eventually ended up a little off on our own. I think I wrote about this episode earlier.

Eventually I had to go, and right before doing so, he whipped out his phone, and says, I don't think I have your number. He seemd a bit scared but nonetheless forthright. I like that... ALOT.

After the exchange, he smiled at me--in an either really gay fem way, really flirty way, or both--and said, "Call me." He also sort of waved. I was like---HOLY SHIT, WHAT the HELL was that???

Not used to something of that type.

So we met up for lunch this afternoon. I might write about that later.

After that, I wanted to workout, so I called up my new fag hag. She was game. We were at the gym in 20mins after my phone call. It was my glute day--and it went unbelievably well.

Then, I cooked dinner and New Fag Hag came over to go sunning again at my pool. We chatted and she gave me life saving and life-wise advice. I mean she was awesome. Her boyfriend was on the phone asking everything about me. Hilarious.

After that, I decided that my diet had been really strict that past few days my workout really hard, and my apetite too low. So I needed to have a diet off day. We went and got ice cream. Then I got some weight watcher's brownies, and now I'm fucken going to sleep early.

Not a fucken moment to lose or spare.

My New Best Friend -- Again

Holy shit... such a good time with my new friend. We just went sunning at my pool. It was sooo much fun. The weather wasn't perfect--but whatever.

She busted out her pedicure shit as well. We talked and laughed so loud that we ran out the other people there...

My New Best Friend

With the Buddhists no longer in the picture & w/ BG + AB almost gone, my chances for real conversation or visceral experience are slim.

A few months ago, a friend of mine needed a big favor--I had to drive her car from one place to another and she wasn't in town. So I had to ask a friend. Everyone who I would usually ask, wasn't in town either that week--craziness.

So I started going through my phone book, and I couldn't come up with any names with whom I would feel comfortable asking. So I took a chance, and I called this girl.

I met her randomly at a friend's gathering and I saw her around at the gym every so often and just in general around my last year at school. I knew she was sort of into me, just by our interactions and occasionally she would just blurt out something rather flirty.

So she agreed easily and we went. We talked alot. She was soo cool. Go figure.

We'd also had so many experinces in common--she'd been in weird relationships with older married men and had unusual family arrangements. Her unusual security with her self was striking.

We chilled & talked a lot after then. For hours... since BG & AB we haven't talked as much, but I just came from being at her place for like hours. Feels good. being able to be real with SOMEbody at least for a a little while.

Latest On-line Obsession

Isn't she a little hott?


Her look is so simple--like bread & mayonaise, no frills or thrills--yet so fundamentally exotic, YUM.She can look so innocent...


... and yet that darkness makes her look mysterious and threatening.

i think she even makes a cute boi... haha, maybe she even looks a little familiar.

Losing my Touch

More ranting, of course: I realize I'm losing my energy to think. Maybe it's my increasing tolerance for adderall and all such stimulants.

Usually, I process at light speed and make heavy headway towards realizations and all such things. But today, I was lazy. I felt overwhelmed. It's finals season. My crushes have officially entered the twilight zone, and I am feeling rather lonely.

I'm tired, and I am know that neither crush will really work out.

I got a new job that is looking to turn itself into a full time job and includes a major move. I hate my current job. They hate me too. This week I will be likely talking to HR about ending my contract early. I really don't foresee any qualms about the whole issue. Wow, it didn't take that long to burn this shit out. Still, I've learned a tremendous amount in a very safe environment. My future isn't hurt if at all touched by my not-so-stupendous time here. Plus, now I know what to look for in future jobs. I didn't intend to do this type of work for very long and the people with whom I will be working will already think highly of me. I have some moral qualms about how I got around to getting this new job, but that issue is for a separate post.

My depressive moody state the past couple of days has been due to 3 developments:

1. Asian Boi hasn't talked to me in forever since I stopped making an effort to talk to him. No niceities or random attempts at contact. Whoa... a. He really just wasn't into me. b. He is socially unassertive. From where did I learn this? His springbreak was a bit on the lameside. He wasn't looking forward to it. When he got back, he said--it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He went with a few people that I didn't expect him to hang with for a whole break. Meanwhile, some other friends of his went on an awesome trip worthy of several sexy photo albums. These friends like him a lot, but I noticed that he treats them usually in an insecure/aloof way. Why didn't he just have a good break? Who knows. Perhaps the issue was money. Somehow I doubt it, but still. I don't see him having the iniative to do much, and if he likes me even a nominal amount, I don't see that motivating him to talk to me. Conclusion: His lack of interest is me is exacerbated. This doesn't change much, but it's some consolation, right?

2. Buddhist girl is just not that into me either. Mitigating circumstances abound. She found out pretty early that I wasn't going to be around for long because of my job and other career interests I am pursuing. I remember her response--she sort of jumped at the comment when I made it. A couple of my girlfriends tell me that this factor is major in making people detach. Right up until finals time, we have spent an inordinate amount of time with each other, but I just don't get the sense that she is massively curious about me--a feature that usually is key in indicating interest. Geez... even Asian Boi demonstrated having done multiple on-line and friend stalking sessions on me.

3. Just as finals period was rolling around and I was dateless for the weekend, I run into the LGBT prez who was interested in chilling with me back in the day. He asked if I was busy that evening and then gave me his number. He said he was going out with some friends but then might be free after that. If he wasn't too drunk, he'd call me. Probably not, he said, but I'll call you either way, he ammended. No fucken phone call. A total contradiction--perhaps--to my readings of him prior. He gets nervous around me. Like noticeably nervous. He's been aggressive about letting me know that he wants to get to know me, but drops the ball at the last second often. Mitigating circumstances: he has a boi friend, though this issue doesn't stop many gay men from anything and we've only known each other during the busy period of his semester, which considering his field--its a bitch. Still, I wish I would've been more compelling.

So what? --- I'm way needier than most people or people just don't care to see me that much. I'm not all that used to such status. I'm used to people jamming up in my face, and now, I guess I'm old and yesterday's news. Why? Have I lost my hot touch?


PS: a friend said to me the most interesting thing lately--everyone has needs. You cannot condemn anyone for attempting to fulfill them through you or anyone else. However, everyone has different intents in meeting their needs, for that they can be judged. Question then, is sadism and other awful things needs for some, or never a need for any?

Long Lost Twin

Haha... so a friend of mine's been flirting with this dude... and he finally showed me some pics of him up on one of his online profiles.

First of all---BOI-NG--instant hard-on. Fuck-damn, the kid is a rarity. *~sexual moan~*

Later on, I went back to his profiles and started stalking him. Holy fuck, he's so much like me its a little scary.

He doesn't get laid---even though him and the world know that he is gorgeous.

He rarely asks people out on dates--and gets turned down when he does.

He's an academic geek at a peer school. I love it.

His best friend is a girl who is totally the party princess.

He's involved in charity.

He's obnoxiously vain.

I get the inkling we'll eventually meet.

He actually reminds me of a former good friend... go figure.

When it Hits the Fan

Yesterday I got an e-mail from one of the buddhist leaders asking me not to go back. I was right they kicked me out---hahaha.

Two meetings before my slaying, one of them had asked to speak to me. As soon as that happened, two of the those remaining in the room suddenly had a reason to leave. I was alone with her.

We talked. She said that I broke her concentration during certain activities. She said she didn't know what it was about me--except that I seem to always have a mind of my own (WTF???), or a strong will--but that this caused her to have many issues with me. She said that when I didn't talk to her nicely, she would be down for days.

Her issue was fairly obvious. She was attracted to me. Duh. I suspected so earlier. Her smile and giggle and just plain giddiness whenever I would address her or have conversation with her were just a little ridiculuous and scary because she a very low-affect person. These sudden displays of emotion were very out of place. I think what really bothered me however was how intense they seemed to be. It was as if everything else she did was sort of an echo of something else she felt, but when she was around me, she was in the moment and her reactions were spontaneous.

I hate myself for not being able to reciprocate. She apologized for 'projecting' stuff on to me. I asked her what she thought the issue was. She said she really didn't know. I pried. She continued to deflect. Goddam--her resistance was just too much. So I let it go. She said it was fine, even though she started crying. I was like, I'm out of here. I apologized if I had ever offended her and asked if she wanted to address any other issues. She said, No, and then thanked me for my willingness to listen.

However, a certain phrase she used often bothered me--"I'm sorry, is this making you uncomfortable?"--she would say every other two sentences with a look of almost grotesque pleasure in hopes that my answer whether verbal or in my facial expression would be 'Yes'. Afterwards, she would switch right back into looking utterly pitiful. Her attempts at emotional manipulation were obvious and disgusting. Go to hell bitch. Aaaaaaah, how sick!

I had to get out of there. BG figured it out too, and eventually told me she wasn't going to go back.

I had a final meeting with one of the leaders. Her hand was shaking as she was talking to me, and her face was rivited on occasion by what seemed like fear and anger.

She basically hated my so called disrespect for the founder. Fuck you, go to hell, bitch. I told her my mind. She told me hers. She's crazy and needs the buddhists to survive. She didn't like my critical approach--wait, I thought this was supposed to be about trying to break the ego? Oh well.

We parted ways. She looked and acted crazy. I was freaked out.

Blind

I realize that I am living my life contingent on a goal that I have been unwilling to admit its full importance.

I've been looking for someOne. I want a relationship so badly. I can't believe it. I fuck around at work. I bust my ass at the gym. I read the shit I read in my spare time--because that's what I seek.

However, I've been stubborn about making all the necessary admissions to facilitating the finding of real someOne.

I think that although I'm attracted to some women, I am not attracted enough to them at this point to be with one long term.

The comparison between AB and BG was just too obvious.

Yes, they were different in multiple ways. She has a soul that's like a masterpiece. His is simple. They are both beautiful. She is beautiful enough for me on the outside, and superhuman on the inside. He's beautiful enough for me on the inside, and yet superhuman on the outside. Fuck--what to do?

Is my response difference a gender issue or some other trait?

Trouble

Tonight was the event for which the buddhists have been working for quite a while. About a week ago, one of the girls confronted me about her issues with me. She couldn't figure out what her issues were, although she ended up crying. She was running this event.

I called Buddhist Girl about a week ago and asked her how she was getting to and fro these events. She said, "The bus." I said, that's not so cool... How long does that take?

Basically, I told her I was willing to drive her places and she thanked me all cheerily. I picked her up. She looked gorgeous. I wondered what kind of shape she was in because she usually wore non-revealing clothing--no doubts now--hour glass all the way. Her hair was perfect, her eyes, smile, her waist, etc.

She got in, and I apologized for being a little late. She's totally low maintenance. I luv that.

Recently, I was told that the buddhists hold a strict rule--people who meet through the group are not allowed to date while in the group. WTF???

Buddhist girl we be off for the summer soon and back at her home city. I can risk it, right?

"You look... really pretty," I refrained from 'beautiful' or 'hot'. I don't know why. I was scared of just being out there. "Thanks," she said in that cheery tone. "You look really good too," she added. Fuck, this girl was not affraid to be out there herself though.

We drove and chit chatted. There was prearranged VIP parking for me. Thankfully.

Arriving with her was awkward. I don't know why I felt that.

The girl running the thing separated us in terms of assigning us last minute errands. I didn't see BG until the end of the whole thing. She was chatting with her friends, several of whom were fairly good looking males. I didn't want to interrupt. I didn't know what her status was, and I was no one to make any assumptions. I moved away and talked with others.

She eventually was standing next to me. She wasn't nervous or expecting anything. She was just standing there, without any issues about her. So I just suggested, shall we head over to the reception?

Yea, she said. The founder followed behind us. We ended up getting food together. I thought she would then go and talk with the other folks. But then we ended up getting drinks together. Then I thought she would go and talk with other folks. Finally, we had all of our stuff, and she was just standing next to me again.

I looked around at all the couches and didn't know what to do. This other girl whom I know well, just gave me this teasing penetrating look--like, I know what YOU're upto. I paused instantaneously to shoot a look back at her, and then I moved towards a different set of couches that were unoccupied. BG followed and sat next to me.

So I started conversation--and it flowed and flowed. We laughed, chided, and poked fun at each other. At times, we were just awkwardly silent, and for the first time ever, I think it just didn't matter. She and I both seemed comfortable with the awkwardness, and just seemed to move past it.

Some people shot glances over at us, including the founder. He seemed to raise his voice while near us. I didn't flinch, and she didn't make any effort to shift her attention. I was FUCKEN floored. She started fidgeting with the string of her purse. She wrapped around her fingers. She was uneasy. I hadn't noticed this before in her.

My posture was leaned towards her. I looked stupidly obvious. Another member came and laid down on his back on an adjacent couch. We looked, but kept talking.

Another member, came and abruptly pulled up a chair in front of us, and we both were surprised and looked up. He noticed our reaction and asked, "I'm sorry, am I interrupting a private conversation?"

"NOO, NOOO...... Please sit down," we both said. He started conversaiton. Then someone sat next to me, and started conversation. Then more people came and started sitting around us. We were drawn out of our talking. She laid her purse down in front of her on the coffee table.

People were talking to us a good bit. A crowd had formed and the food begun to be put away. I noticed her reaction so I went and got more for her. She smiled and ate from what I brought from the kitchen.

Eventually, she picked up her purse and hugged it to her chest. Shit, did she want to leave? I was already retardedly obvious? Should I leave with her as well?

She kept clutching her purse, and finally, she abruptly said, I have to go. I leaned into her right away and said, do you have a way home?

I can find my way, she said, and started heading out. Fuck, I needed an excuse and soon.

"Sooo, where's the bathroom around here?" I asked the dude, next to me. I left. And rushed in her direction. I ran to the parking place, got my car, and hoped that I would catch her on her way to the public transportation.

I pulled around in front of her and hit the curb. She noticed me in the car and started laughing. I shouted, jump in, and she did. She couldn't stop laughing. I said, I wasn't going to let you take some fucken train back home. "Thank you," she said sweetfully in between her giggles.

We drove, and eventually we got a little more real about the group. She didn't want to say anything negative, but I was like--feel free. So she sort of did.

I dropped her off, and she mentioned the next time we'd probably see each other. I was floored, and feeling a little damned.

I've noticed that a couple of the girls in the group have kept tabs on me, and this didn't help. The founder of the group seems to keep track of BG, and this didn't help either. I wonder what people are going to say? I wonder if either of us will be approached? Fuck.

Real Death

I saw him tonight... the One I love.

He told me he might be coming. He hinted we take a trip back again... to the place where we were alone for the first prolonged time. His version of Brokeback? But now he's engaged, how could he be thinking this?

I wasn't hearing from him although I knew he was now here. I texted him implying that I understood if he didn't have time to chill. He has tons of people to 'catch-up' with including the finace. He's one of the few about whom I'm not insecure about his feelings towards me. The look in his eyes when he sees me every single time is all the assurance I need.

His suggestion of us going back to our version of 'Paris' was out of character. He hinted back to old times and asked me how I felt about those times. As usual, I said I thought them to be awesome. He backhandedly shot me down. I saw past it. He's scared.

I didn't know until a mutual friend spontaneously brought up having heard from him randomly. He wasn't doing too well. He was hating his career. He seemed unhappy. This explains his behavior I thought. Maybe being all grown up, ala your parents version, isn't all its cracked up to be, huh?

He called me back. We phone tagged and then he invited me to dinner with his fiance. I was a little skeptical, but I went anyway. It was a large dinner group in the end so it was fine. He saw me from a far, got up, and came over to hug me.

The fiance pretended to not have seen me. Then she pretended to not have met me. Hilarious. She found an odd way to ask me personal questions in a way that pretended to be common.

She freaked out at how alike she was to me in certain ways. She would just halt in shock.

At a different point, she just sort of got disturbed, and bluntly said, I can see why you guys are great friends. Odd I thought, he and I haven't hung out really since he and she met.

He was insecure. He still found the need to sell her to me.

The look in my eye--of jealousy, of unbelievably sublimated rage, was undeniable, especially to his eyes. He smiled, haughtily.

I looked at her. Physically, there was nothing remarkable about her. The complete opposite of him, and in his own words, the complete opposite of us. She was severely over dressed for the dinner.

But looks don't matter. That's not what he was after. He got what he wanted. She made life liveable in the way he needs. She chimes in when necessary. She fills in all the gaps that makes his socializing possible. He found someone who connects him to the world. She's pretty but in no way threatening.

She brings peace to his world in her being in all noticeable ways normal. You wouldn't guess that academically she's a genius. But looking at him, you would assume the maximum of most things about him. He hates that, and now, he's found something to get around it.

She adores him. She's constantly all over him and staring at him. He oddly still felt the need to brag about his apperance. It's ugly for him to do that because it's so obvious, that 'crass' doesn't even cover it. It's like Johnny Depp saying--haha, i'm hot--like in all seriousness. He only resorts to this, infrequenlty, and when he's feeling extremely insecure. It's his last fall back. Tonight, it happened several times. It was sad.

Drinks went even worst. Yes, he didn't give me any attention. True, she was clinging to him like a feather on a bird, but still. Before, parties when I was there, were a party of only two. Him and me. His friends knew it. It was obvious from miles away. And now, it was no more.

Her laughter was so canned. He was so complacent with everything.

Before, we used to talk in the most profound mode. Our words were as heavy as lead, laden with meaning. Now, everything--EVERYTHING--was chitter chatter. My ears hurt, & so I left.

He reached out with his hand, and asked me to reciprocate in the old way we used to do it. He wanted me to affirm that all was well. I gave him a look of boredom and sadness, and finished our move. If you're around tomorrow, call me, I said. He looked at me and nodded.

Has he died? The passion for truth. The pleasure of experiencing truth. Looking into each other's eyes and finding so much meaning. Is it all gone? This is worst than corporeal death. He's my second beloved to go this way if such is indeed the case. It hurts like a bitch.

Chilling

There's so much going on.... I suppose as usual. I don't even know where to start.

I'm watching a movie with the pseudo-buddhists. I love this movie. Its awesome. Can't wait until the discussion.

Work was revealing today. Full of surprises and revelations. I realize that my boss isn't going to like me even if I do an awesome job.

Missing It

I miss having someone asking how your day was--because they care. I miss having someone waiting for you at their place to embrace you and fuck the begeezus out of you because they need you. I miss having someone getting dolled up to impress me and smile at me with that milllion dollar high wattage beam.

I miss the flirting and knowing that someone actually may care for, love, and want me.

Oh well. Its a cold hard, nasty, and yet real world out there.

Nothing is gauranteed--either today, tomorrow, or ever. Hurray for dynamism.

I'm going to get kicked out

So the Buddhist group leader has been wierd around me pretty much since the first time I attended. He's kept his cool but occasional slip-ups in his demeanor indicate that he is really scared of me. To believe so seems so super cocky but I feel a kick coming and I will be on the receiving end.

Why I think he doesn't like me
During dinner, Buddhis girl revealed that during all of high school, she was a loner. I said that I was the same. Except that while she was the quite girl who chose to disappear (the way I sort of am now), I was the aggressive kid who challenged the core of the curriculum. When I told her that teachers used to sit me in the back corner of the classrooms in order to avoid having to call on me, she quickly smiled and said, "I knew you." She explained that she was good friends with people like me back then. I guess she wasn't such a loner.

I've done the same in the Buddhist group. I can't tell whether its been for egotistical or selfless reasons. The founder dominates the group far too much. He's thinking now of changing it to make it more "top to bottom" instead of "bottom to top". He's apparently bored or dissatisfied with how people coming to the group with enough "dedication" or "commitment". Will this group be one more that bites the dust as it goes from openness to leader-centric? Seems like that case will be so soon. A friend of mine turns out had tried the group out a few years back. He left for this same reason. He said, "There isn't a meeting in which that 'guy' doesn't talk 99% of the time."

I still jump in when he's talking. I can't stand being bored. On occasion, he'll say some funny and unexpected stuff. Like, "I'd like to sit down with you for some pizza and a beer sometime." Or referring to me at times as his "esteemed colleague." Most recently, he threw in possibly making me his "navigator"... his "right hand man." It's flattering to some degree but scary too. What if I cannot give him what he wants? What if I am a let down? Oh well.

He has written some pretty legendary stuff. I think I'll start by reading those and referring to them during meetings.

Impossible to Read p1

So I asked out Buddhist girl earlier this week. The invitation was not exaclty to a date but I kept the situation as ambiguous as possible in order to test the water. To some degree the strategy worked. I realized she's incredibly difficult, if not nearly impossible to read--a rarity for me.

The group is again putting together an event. Public rapport is a major concern for the group--everything from community service to just facilitating realizations of what life may truly be--the promotion of awareness.

So this morning we were to rise early meditate and again do menial labor for these goals. Buddhist girl, or Emily, as I called her in a previous post, e-mailed a request for a ride. I replied but someone had according to her beat me to the punch.

She sent the e-mail really late too. She didn't show up. I did. Almost no one showed up. I meditated and actually experienced some pretty incredible moments--totally unexpected. The housemate of the guy who hosted the meditation was also show stoppingly hot. Steamy deep set brows, offwhite cream-like skin, short dark hair, and piercing light blue eyes... he was wearing a red shirt that totally set off all of his colors. He had a sharp whit with which he greeted me as soon as I entered. I was complaining about the mosquitos in the bushes when he suggested I alternatively watch out for other prey. Corny and wierd joke but I was too busy adjusting my eyes to his hotness. He proved really nice and helpful throughout the morning. He's an alumnus and a do-gooder with a heart for nature as he chose to not go into something more lucrative.

I was dismayed when I heard Buddhist girl wasn't there but then I heard that she would be available after noon. I wondered whether she was getting another ride from someone else.

I got bored and offered to go buy more tools. I asked if anyone wanted to come along. This other chick who had a major crush on me a few weeks back smiled and volunteered. We went and we had some major real conversation. I to some degree put to rest some misconceptions she had of me. Hopefully that helped to ease any tension between us and make things good.

When I came back, I heard that Buddhist girl didn't have a ride. My head immediately snapped up and said that I would pick her up and then leave afterwards. One of the members who witness my reaction from beginning to end, gave me a penetrating look before looking away pensively. Yea, I'm into her.

I went, and she was waiting for me on the porch of her dorm. She had her feet up, totally relaxed. Yum, a girl with confidence. She smiled at me as soon as I arrived and sauntered down the steps as she looked right at me. Whoa.... no shyness here. None AT ALL. I looked away for a moment only to catch this good looking dude on his way in, stop and start staring at us. He was just smiling in amusement.

I loudly yelled before she got to me--HEY WASUP and then her name. She smiled and said, I'm good in her cutesy girl tone of voice. She got in and we started shooting the shit.

I mentioned her late e-mail and how I didn't know how she would make the early meditation. She said she had been at a ball yesterday night. I said--cool, that sounds like a lot of fun. It's nice being hot, I thought to myself. There was a beat, and then she ammended, "Well, actually, I was only there until 11." I nodded. "Then I went over to a sing along in the student center," she said.

Sing ALONG? I thought WTF is this? Grade school? I think she got a hint of my reaction, I was desperately trying to play it off as if I was touched and amused. I think she was reading me rather well because she added--yea, everyone was drunk. Aaaaaah, gotcha, I said.

We were silent for a while. I loosely described the meditation and said that perhaps next time I should just show up in a monk's tunic. She laughed--a lot. I was happy. She's fucken cute. Then I realized I made a fucken wrong turn. I didn't know how long undoing the mistake would take.

"I made an incorrect turn," I announced. "Yea, I was wondering where we were going," she said again in her cutesy voice. Damn, I'm distracted gihrl... cuz u're hot as hell and making me nervous like no other. I just want to turn to you and get lost in you.

I had sent her a dinner invite via e-mail. The message was super succint and without frills. Definitely not the romantic type. But she responded with lots of enthusiasm and suggested multiple times and dates. I picked an easy one.... later in the afternoon. Too late to be casual and too early to be a real date date.

I killed myself over this decision. She's too beautiful a person to hurt in any way. Would I tell her? Should I tell her I like dudes but still like her? If I didn't tell her the former, wasn't that leading her on? Did I want to fuck this up the way I did with my office neighbor?

I said, "How about dinner at 5p?" "Suuurre," she replied. "I'm heading out after dropping you off, but I don't know how long the rest are planning to stay," I said. "If you guys are there thru 5, just call me and let me know."

"Okay--but do I even have your number??" she said as she whipped out her phone. I openned mine and passed it to her. Call your phone from mine I said. She did.

We arrived, and I said--Cool, I'll see you later then. She smiled and got out. She looked happy.

the Buddhist Girl and the Asian Man

Holy shit... it's been quite a trip with these folks. I can't put them down, like the most compelling novel I've ever read.

Tonight, a serious plot line unravelled. We'll call her Buddhist Girl, at least for now--because that name seems so innocent to me.

She came the second time I came, and I was immediately struck--she was hott. No doubt about it. Fuck, her wing-like eyebrows and deeply set etched almond eyes. Her up-turned juicy lips and perfect ivory skin. Cheekbones that curved and flared parallel to her brow and bangs. Hott. I couldn't tell much about her body other than she was the typical underweight chick at my school.

She looked perpetually inquisitive. Her introverted posture yet piercing look that her arched brow bestowed on her provided a majorily beautiful paradox--whoa. She seemed fake as fuck though. It stuck out, so I immediately wrote her off. I tried to get her to talk more, but she wouldn't budge. Oh well, her loss. Perhapse she was just being wise and cautious. Maybe she isn't able or willing enough to be cunning in faking authenticity. So she just went the old fashioned way and was authentically fake.

Since then, she made me slightly uncomfortable whenever she was around. I get all overly conscious of myself. But for the most part, once the discussions get kickin--I'm free and am myself again.

I volunteered for one of the events and ended up at an organizational dinner meeting. We ended up sitting next to each other. I couldn't talk to her. I tried to make up excuses to have to 'organize' with someone else. Eventually, I just looked over at her dish and non-chalantly said, "You're really into fruit." She non-chalantly looked over at my plate and said in the exact same tone, "You're really into protein." I laughed, and I didn't notice if she did. I said that because I couldn't come up with almost anything else to say. She's gorgeous and she intimidates me. She's also super young--at least 5 years younger than me, and when you're our age--that's a LOT of years maturity-wise. I wonder what her maturity age is.

That same night, as I drove off, I noticed her at a nearby bus stop. It was dark, and the bus stop didn't have a light, but I managed to recognize her face with the light of her cell phone. WTF? I thought--what's she doing out there. None of the others offered or asked about her transportation?

I pulled around and offered her a ride. She smiled big, and because she looked away from me, seemingly not at me. She happily got in. That's when I knew--I'm really attracted to her. I got super nervous, and I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. I thought--that's fine. I can be the cool and non-verbose male---right?

I think I ended up muttering something about the weather. She said something non-meaningful about the weather back, and then there was silence. Then she came back at me with an equally inane comment "There's a lot of stuff to do for this event." I was like---"Oh yea... totally---it's a very very long to-do list."

I confirmed the location of her building as I pulled-up. She thanked me and after we bade each other a good evening, she climbed out. God--she was so fucken feminine and yet assertive without comprimising one or the other. How could this be?

I saw her the following weekend to do some errands for the organization. Again, I ended up sitting next to her and was tongue tied. She looked cute as hell. She was dressed for spring. I couldn't tell if she dressed well or if she was just that hott. At the first meeting, I could tell she was hot and her not wearing good clothes didn't matter. But this time, she was looking hott and styling it up.

Eventually, I said stuff to her, only to have her mention that we had common ancestry. Holy fuck??? How could this be??? Her revelation muted me in thought for the rest of the work period.

At the next meeting, she rocked and stole the show. She got all these compliments for apparently accomplishing a tremendous amount of the work for this event in a very small amount of time. Her dedication to this group became obvious overnight despite her initial reticence to open up. Well, that hesitation was no more.

The group leader--a non-married older male, seemed to have a major interest in her. He went around and asked questions of everyone who was on the "newer" side. But he doted on her. "I fell in love with you..." "Can't you tell I'm very protective of you..." "You articulated the mission of this group in the best way humanly possible..." Geez.... this guy needs a wife I thought.

She's hott--duh. You like her--duh. You're old and she's young--duh. You could be her grandfather.

He asked her some very penetrating questions, and she blossomed.

Like me, she recently told a guy that she liked him. and Like me, he seemed to like her too, but not enough to want to define something.

She felt hurt and voided of her 'power' because all her peers shamed her for being open and honest and getting shot down. She said felt 'degraded'. In a nut shell, she concluded that suffering is underrated. And I couldn't have agreed with her more. She articulated the whole thing quite incredibly and heroically. I never chimed in--I didn't want to interrupt something so personal and beautifully stated. Ultimately, what she described was the very essence of this blog. She wanted a place where she could talk about the pettiness of life, but where people could see past the pettiness and towards the larger underlying issues. My mental jaw was on the fucken ground.

Afterwards, the leader questioned her some more, and she told us the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Whoa... we were all pretty floored. I hate to say this but I'm pretty jaded to tragedy. I felt for her--but she'll live and based on her previous expression--she'll thrive.

Then the leader took over for a long while. To rhapsodize her and to try and add to what she was saying. After he got to a sufficient distance from addressing her topics, I moved in.

I believed I had a handle on that of which both she and he spoke. He tried to evade me. But I hit the target, and he changed the topic. A few more points, and a few more reactions from him and her, and I was ready to leave. I felt that I knew what he was talking about and that I wasn't hearing anything new. That in addition to the fact that they were starting to wander from the point, convinced me to eventually leave before the meeting formally ended.


*****
I don't know what to make of her or of this attraction for her. I'm not sufficiently compelled to act in a romantic way (at least not yet), but I'd be a fool not to get to know her. She's pretty fucken incredible. She's one of those people who I never thought I'd ever meet. She reminds me of this girl I crushed on throughout middle & high school. You know--the type of girl who when she chooses to actually allow the world to hear her thoughts ends up spewing out all these profound epiphanies which you never thought anyone else decided to pursue?

But for a while, I need a break from whirlpools and sirens. Something is deathly, deathly, deathly wrong with me. I can't let anyone inherit whatever it is.

Last night, Asian man asked me to dinner. I went. He asked an inordinate amount of personal questions. I brought that observation up. He laughed alot, apparenlty at me. He was laughing alot at me throught the dinner it seemed. I was almost offended. Seriously--I wasn't offended, just because he's not that big a deal to me, at least not yet. Had it been Asian Boi who was doing the laughing, I would've been wrecked.

I had told him over IM that I thought he was hott. Not all dramatically and shit, but just gently and honestly. Apparenlty, the disclosure had quite an impact on his esteem. I got lost in the city earlier in the day and I phoned him for some possible directions. He seems to know the place far more than me. He returned my call later and right as I was about to rush him off the phone, he asks if I'm free for dinner--I noticed the confidence in his voice.

During the dinner, he asked me exactly with how many guys I had gotten physical, my waist size, and my bodyfat percentage. Some of these questions were promulgated by the fact that I only ate the leaves in a salad. He tried to pry at my supposed attraction for women. He started with my childhood and moved from there to the present. He didn't seemed satisfied either in nullifying or confirming my attraction to the opposite sex.

After dinner, we went for a walk. He talked about his insecurity regarding my bisexuality--the fear that a man wouldn't be able to satisfy me. I said that no one was more afraid of insatisfaction than me. So I drew some analogies that made it clear that the potential for never being satisfied was actually present beyond the dimension of gender and thus for everybody.

We walked towards my apartment building. I didn't let him in, instead we lounged around in one of the living spaces. I think he got a bit pissed off. He told me he wouldn't initiate a relationship with anybody he didn't think could be the One.

I scoffed and laughed--I tried not to but I ended up doing so anyway. I was an ass in retrospect. You got to have fun, I said. It transforms you and gets you ready for the One. He got a little upset at how confident I was about my words.

Ironically, he looked hot as hell for dinner. I didn't think his body was that hot, until tonight. Bulging biceps, cut up pecs, and a clivicle to boot got me hard a few times at the dinner table. His gorgeous overall self made me feel special because his attention was clearly on me the whole evening. He finally had intent during this dinner, even though physically I know he only meant to tease me. He wouldn't have fucked. Unless he had the guts to grab me and kiss me, after all I had confirmed for him, I don't even know if he would even be a worthy fuck. Maybe just a chatting buddy.

He asked about AB. I told him that the whole thing wasn't going anywhere permanently. He got all happy. So, I dropped that I had a crush on a girl b/c of his whole bi-discussion. I didn't care. He has to know. I don't like fucking someone with their eyes closed. They have to be open wide. He jumped at the phrase 'crush on this girl'.

We talked about what happens when people are in 'open' relationships. He said that it didn't seem right--the whole set up. I said, that when someone I like goes after someone I know isn't right for them, I only get happier, because they'll figure just how right I am for them. Either that, or I realize that they are a moron and can't recognize. Yea, I have an ego about the justifiability of my attractions.

Finally, we walked away from my building. I was blue-balled as all hell because during the walk, his hot ass was staring back at me along with his tight waist and broad shoulders. So every crevice of his body doesn't seem to be super-toned or to accentuate a perfect masculine ideal form--like the way AB is built. I think his obliques are not perfect. Still, his abs seemed to be showing through his fucken shirt tonight--and that was 'get-hard' material. It could've just been the shirt.

I think I just want to tell him--I'm not the One, but how about we have some fun???

Motive & Intent

So last night I helped one of the Buddhists with some errands and menial labor for the organization. While doing so, we talked through my whole lunch with Asian Boy.

I'm having a really hard time interacting with him ever since I told him. Why? Because he wasn't real with me. He didn't fess up to the truth---even if the truth was going to be just terribly offensive--like--"you were only worth the tease. Sorry man! Jokes on you!"

Of course, all the rationality comes into the picture. He's young. He's not at the point where he can say these things quite so bluntly. He's socially inept and at a school that perpetuates such retardation. Plus, maybe he doesn't understand exactly how he feels. The hallmark of youth.

I saw him at the gym the other day, and I couldn't bring myself to talk to him for real. I went into the gym, all amphed up and didn't notice anything--ANYTHING. I focused solely on my tasks. Needless to say, I ended up on a bench next to his and didn't even notice that he was there. After a few minutes I whipped around to stretch, and found myself literally almost on top of him as I swerved to not run into him. He was just finishing a set as I swerved. He looked spent, and as usual, troubled.

He looked up at me after a second and gave me that surprised/stunned look. I chucked out a smile, but unforutnately, the smile came out looking all fucken seductive. To some degree because of the stretch into which I was positioning myself. I move forward and out of his bodyspace and I didn't come back.

For the next 1/2 hour, whenever I came anywhere near him, I swear I noticed him hesitating and increasing his alertness of his surroundings. He was tracking me and was getting freaked whenever I came near him.

I couldn't say hi to him. Honestly, I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and anything less would fucken not suffice. I want what I want.

I'm like a fucken 5yr old, not knowing how to accept that my desire will not be fulfilled. I keep telling myself--didn't I tell him all my guts because I wanted something more? Even if lust had gotten the better of him, wouldn't the ensuing relation have been completely disasterous? So why do I find myself having a hard time being nice to him once again?

The Day of Reckoning

So eventually I realized--there will be no good moment. It'll never be a good time to tell him. The whole shit will be awkward no matter what.

Becuase I would need the time and privacy, the schpiel would have to take place over a meal and it would have to start awkwardly. No fucken way around it.

So I called--for the first time ever, and asked if he was up for dinner that night. I was so fucken nervous. You could tell.

He said non-chalantly that he was going out with his friends that night. Oh--I said disappointed. There was an awkwardly long pause. "I'll see you at the gym?" he half asked and half assertively stated.

"Sure. Of course," I said in an extremely tenuous tone.

Then we hung up. I wasn't going to the gym at his usual time. I didn't bother to mention. I texted him later and asked if he was up for a meal the following day.

Sure, he replied--how about lunch, on-campus? Fuck, I thought, and as friend succintly stated, He picked quite possibly the least romantic scenario. Oh well, my time to accept reality had arrived.

I don't know why I hadn't yet accepted reality. His not liking me in some ways seemed so obvious and clear, and yet in others, his interest was clearly there. His response to me was similar to what I liked about him--paradoxical.

We texted some more and agreed to another nearby locale--essentially on campus--but that again would be private. He again moved the time up by 30mins. He does this shit a lot.

That morning I was all nervous. Of course, I was in for it. My office neighbor who's been all out of shape since she found out about me came in as usual---cold and seemingly defensive. She also came in a little earlier than her usual time, so not too many people were in the area yet.

I got the thought that since today is a day about being open and honest, I thought, what the hell? Why not just get this stuff all over with in one day?

I swiveled my chair to face my door which is directly across her door and directly faces her. I said, "Hey", at a slighly louder volume than usual. I could tell she contemplated ignoring me because of her head phones, but she didn't. She turned around and just looked at me. She looked sad and angry.

"You've been sort of different lately," I stated. "Oh?" she said and her eyes sort of popped. Her eyebrows are naturally arched, so there wasn't too much affect going on there. Her mouth opened slightly. She started shaking her head as in, No, and making her eyes drift off, as if to indicate that she had no clue. But then she brought her eyes to mine again, "Uhm..." she said pensively, and then looked away again, "No... I don't....", she lightly muttered. "How so?", she asked, crisply but non-assertively.

I was caught off gaurd. Momentarily, I felt the emotion on display. I tilted my head slightly in thought, and then looked at her straight again and said--"You're less chatty than usual." I wanted to be gentle, nothing over the top.

"OH!", she said much more loudly. "I've been sort of stressed lately," she said with some bravado and an over-the-top apologetic tone. "Yea, I've been really stressed, and haven't been getting ANY work done this past week," then she moved her head to one side momentarily while maintaining her eyes fixed on mine. "Oh! I'm so sorry you thought that... Oh! You were worrying... this whole time... NO!," she continued to say loudly.

I didn't believe a word that came out of her mouth, and the unwavering hard look on my face I know must have obviated so. I intermittenly allowed my eyes to display the surprise of her outburst. I looked away for less than a split second--worried. Worried that this whole thing was tense.

I looked back sternly and earnestly, and I said assertively, "I don't know. There's no way for me to know. But, if I have offended you somehow, I'm sorry."

"Oh! You don't need to...", she said as I swiveled my chair away from her line of vision. "I don't know," I said as I completed the turn.

We didn't talk afterwards for a while. I left it so.

The time came for me to leave and meet Asian Boi. Right before leaving, my boss plops down next to me and wants to brainstorm this new idea. Holy fuck--what ridiculousness.

I sat there with him and was aware of the clock's every tick. I was getting close to breaking a sweat. My phone started ringing--fuck it was him. I didn't know what to do.

I kept listening and responding to my boss and just agreeing with him on everything that I feasibly could to get him going without offending him. My phone ringed again. Oh shit. Finally, I jus whipped it out and started texting AB that I would be right there. My boss looked at me, and said, what are you doing?

I'm just pushing back a meeting I had with someone later today. My office neighbor had a visibly physical reaction to what I said. She sort of jumped and swiveled her seat a bit more towards our direction. Oh, he said, and very curiously looked at my message. She sneaked a look at me too. We kept talking, and eventually, he left.

I rushedly put my desk in somewhat of an order and left. I called him and told him that my boss had just left my office. Are you still at the place? I asked him. Yea, he said.

"I'm so sorry. I'll be right there." "Take your time," he said in a calming voice. "Thanks."

When I got there, he was sitting on the bench at the front. He was wearing sweatpants and a sweat jacket. Brown and gray. As usual, anything sort of clingy is going to look pretty good on him. I smiled, "Hey."

"Hey," he said with little affect as he folded the paper. He got up and I looked towards the dining room. It was packed. I didn't expect a crowded time slot. The hostess asked me if I had a reservation.

"A reseveration?" I said dismally. I've never needed a reservation here before I said. I don't have any tables that aren't reserved right now, Sir, she said. Then one of the bus boys came around having over-heard our conversation. One just opened up, he said as he pointed with his eyes to a table that had just been vacated. I just have to clean it up, he said, if you're willing to wait.

I looked at AB with worried eyes--I didn't want my opportunity to go away--I was ready. Are you okay with waiting or should we go to a different place?

There were other nearby places that were much quicker. He looked around a little bit, and tenuously said, "I don't know, I have a lot of work to do." I thought--its not that time of the semester as far as I know, I thought to myself. He took out his cell phone and looked at the time sternly. "I can wait," he said unconvincingly. I gave him a sorry ass apologetic look. I looked way immediately.

We were quickly seated and got our food. He had lost his wallet the previous evening. Someone stole it out of his open dorm room. Clearly a dormmate must have taken it. He had lots of cash in it. He still looked pissed about it. I expressed surprise and concern. I told him about the last time that happened to me. I hoped he either found it or got all the stupid shit out of the way soon.

I asked about his semester. He was taking more than typical load of courses. Nearly as many as I took my last few semesters. I was shocked. He arrogantly pretended to not realize that what he had been doing was unusual. Then he said, it's the only way I can go abroad for all of next year. Again, I was shocked and my heart sank. "Oh," I tried to sound excited, "where to?"

He named the place. My eyes widened. I've always wanted to go there I exclaimed. "Really?" he skeptically said, but with a touch of surprise. "I thought one of your parents was from there," he asked with a skeptical half smile.

I retuned a super skeptical arched brow look. "Uhm, neither of my parents are from there," I reiterated. "Oh," he said cursively as he looked at his glass, "I guess I must have thought that because of your last name." Now my face looked contorted in confusion. He looked away in an aloof manner.

What? I thought to myself. Clearly he's been thinking a bit about my last name. It sort of sounds like it could be from that region, but not really. Does he still not believe my origin? I'm flattered that I get confused for so many things--all of them being stereotypically hot, but still. He was trying to fuck with me.

"Maybe I thought that because of your first name," he retorted. Again, ding--my first name has nothing to do with anything. What a dork. "One of my sister's best friends just spent the year there," I finally switched the subject. He looked disinterested. "She loved the unusual access there," I went on. His interest seemed piqued, and then finally he realized that I really knew quite a bit about this place. I told him what my sister's friend would soon be doing there on a long term basis. He gave me that freaked look again, and then he finally came down from it. He has a hard time accepting I think the fact that someone just knows more than he does on many planes.

After a few moments of silence, I looked down at my plate as I poached at my food. He said something, I didn't know what it was. I just knew that I had to get this started. I ignored his comment, and he fell silent.

I started to look up, but then looked down again. Finally, I gathered the strength that I needed to really get this going. I looked up, and straigthened my posture more. I gave him a gentle expression on my face, full of emotion. "Maybe you noticed," I started, "that I sort of ignored you at the gym for a while."

His face broke into a huge grin. His eyes were full of knowledge--mischevious. He slowly started to mouth without removing the expression from his eyes, 'No...' He didn't quite it it out. He started to slowly move his head from side to side. The smile never left him, and my look was beginning to turn penetrative. He quickly looked straight down at his plate as his shoulder slouched down, and said, "Why?" The question was so clear despite the fact that he ducted his head.

"Because..." I continued, "I like you." His head snapped up, even though his shoulders remained in place, and he looked up at me with bright and widely open eyes. "Like, I like you like you," I emphasized. I wanted to elminate any doubts. "But early on, I realized you didn't feel the same way about me," I lied, and he looked down again. "So, it was awkward for me to try and keep talking to you," I said conclusively. He looked up finally, and nodded, noting his understanding of my point. "I didn't--", he interrupted me. "Wait," he said assertively and pointed his skeptical grin at me, "what do you mean... you 'like' me."

Geesus--this kid was a joke. He had me, and now wanted to milk it for all it was worth. Was his ego insatiable?

I laughed and half chuckled, and then looked at him intensely with disbelief. "I'm a-t-t-r-a-c-t-e-d to you," I said deliberately slow. His head bobbed up and then down into a nod in supposed novel understanding, and his face was again hidden from mine. "But, I didn't want you to think that my awkward behavior at the gym was on you," I continued, he again, bobbed his head up and down in understanding while holding his head down for another moment. "I just want to be very good friends," he said. Then he looked up and said, I'm going to get some soup. He paused for a second, half way smiled, and then got up.

He came back, and again, assumed a hunched position--unusual since he has awesome posture pretty much all the time. "This is really awkward," he said, while again not looking up at me. I just gave him a sneaky smile, and then reverted to my wide eyed look. He finally looked up and said, "really awkward."

"Uhm...," I didn't know whether to apologize or not. So I just went on, "I wasn't going to talk to you at that point any more... But then I got this job description and saw that it was perfect for you.... I didn't want to send it though.... Because.... I was afraid that it would be misinterpretted." He again nodded, and looked up at me. His posture straigtened out and was back to normal. "You shoudl know.... that I...," and then he gave me a longing but pitiful look, "I don't feel the same way about you." I matched the pointedness in his glare that it had developed towards the end of that sentence. I didn't know what to think. Was he serious? Did he mean it in the same way I meant it? I'm glad he took it upon himself to clarify though.

He took a sip of the soup without bending down. When he was done I said, "That's when I realized.... that I liked you beyond that." His torso jumped back, and his eyes again widened, and then he looked away from me. "So, I had someone else send the description to you," I said conclusively. "I didn't care if you weren't going to reciprocate, I just wanted to be nice to you, and that was it." I paused. "You remind me of myself in ways that are very compelling.... I like being nice to you even though I know it won't be reciprocated." I wiped the caring look off my face, and requipped sternly with a half smile, "That doesn't happen often with me."

Finally, he exhaled and smiled big, and said, "I'm so glad you told me.... I had no idea."

Bullshit, I thought.... Bullshit.... he's known since nearly the very beginning.

"I just want to be very good friends.... the way we are now," he said. Palatable I thought, but who said we were 'very good friends'? Then he got that suspicious smile again, and out of the corner of his eyes looked at me, and said, "That is as long as you know, that I don't... I don't feel the same way about you."

Ouch--fuck, he wants to reiterate this point how many times? I still think he was half lying, so I gave him a muted suspicious smile, and looked him hard in the eyes, and said, "I understand." I meant that I understood his position. I don't know what would've happened, had someone who was attracted to me at school told me flat out that they were into me when I was his age.

God knows I wouldn't have gone to dinner with some random dude from the gym. I also turned down so many obvious come ons. All because I was afraid, and because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for sex with men, and I wasn't ready for anything other than a flirt here and there. Even, when I had the perfect opportunities with the guys I crushed on--I still just let them go. I was deteremined to start with a hook up--that I didn't have a crush on. Physicality with me and men was going to be fucken hard as hell. Might as well start off with something less charged and as such with something devoid of all of the emotions that might make it even harder.

"A professor... once said to me this," I begain again. He looked up again, surprised and slighlty confused. "What I just said to you," I clarified, and his eyes responded with understanding. "While I was in one of his courses...." I looked at him, expecting that to take a second to sink in. I don't know if it did. He definitely reacted to my expectation though.

"He offered me lots of favors... that would've impacted my future goals and personal outlook significantly.... But I turned them down," I said. "I regret that in retrospect, I should've taken advantage of them all," because I might have sounded like a purely self-interested ass hole, I followed up with, "I regret it because I realized eventually why I had turned them down." He looked up at me quizically. "Because I implicitly understood them to be conditional." He nodded.

"He never clarified... had he clarified, I would have felt far more free to take him up on them... " I paused for a little bit. "I don't want that to happen to you with me." He nodded. I figured he knew this already, since seldom had he recently turned down any favors or invitations, but I wanted to make sure.

He nodded. Then he looked up at me with straight posture, and with a light smile, asked me, "When... when did you know?"

"When did I know what?," I asked surprised. I didn't expect this quesiton. I looked at him with surprised, and finally intuited his question, "that I liked guys???" He nodded.

Whoa I thought... I started the long story but shortened to a couple of minutes. I told him how unbelievably ambiguous I thought the campus was sexually speaking, and how I divided my homosexual life from my 'straight life'. That was stressful I said. I told him that I had experienced a huge disappointment (the initial crush/love I had exchanged with my older boss, who was married) and how that disappointment finally led me to actually decide to look at guys my age at school. Till then I had not at all seriously ever tried anything with the guys at school, and that I had not really hooked up much because I didn't believe in that culture.

What I encountered blew me away and confused me beyond what I could handle. I started to flirt with guys, but I was flirting with the hottest guys. If I were to rank guys in terms of how 'straight' they were here at school, I continued, these guys would have been at the top. Experiencing something so different than what was supposed accepted and common knowledge, made coming out even more difficult. I deeply questioned whether what I was experiencing was real or imagined, and all in my head.

Finally, the flirting got more serious and eventually became undeniable. Physical propositions arose, and my attraction also became undeniable. I had crushes on girls ever since I can remember, but ignoring the crushes on guys and dismissing them as something else is alwasy possible, I said, as long as you never get yourself into a possibly physical situation. Up until then, the attraction is not yet manifest, and you can deny and rationalize as much as necessary. Not until I was in the actual situation, where I realized what I would do, did I finally know, that I liked guys. They were too hot. They were too many. I have lots and lots of stories about people at this school, I threw in with an inviting smile. You can always ask me questions if about wierd people if you need to.... (hint hint).

It was good to have the professor around I went on--because he was here and knew this place but was not in my social sphere. Having someone like that was a big deal (hint hint).

He looked down, with his shoulders hunched over. So, I changed the subject. What do you think of this place? He looked shocked that I asked the question, and finally, he muttered, sexually?

No, I half shrugged, in general. He gave me a vacuous look, and a half smile. He was going to lie. I don't know, he said. I never really thought about it. I guess I don't have as much happening as you did.

He really dislikes this school. He has gone off about it before. I gave him an easy way to change the subject. He didn't.

I smiled, and said, "being conventional can keep you from thinking so much..." He started to smile back, but then I sharply retorted, "But so can being very unconventional."

The conversation lulled. He looked up and straightened his torso again. Then he said in the same way he asked the first question, "Are your parents okay with it?"

Again, I was surprised by his quesiton. He's never asked personal questions like these in the past.

"No," I said after a second of thought. "I can't talk to my mother about it at all. My father will listen to me about it, but he makes clear that he does not agree with my beliefs." We both sort of nodded, and again, looked at our food. "I didn't expect them to," I said while I had my head down. "They're old fashioned," I said and he nodded and his eyes again demonstrated understanding.

"But I didn't get the worst reaction... A lot of others I've known, just get disowned." He again nodded, with a little umph... perhaps discomfort. No one likes to admit that its true and that its reality. Whether you are straight or not straight.

We shot the shit some more, and asked me if my food was all I was going to have. Yes, I said, I'm working out right after this. He got all freakin surprised again, and said that I shouldn't workout right after a meal. I only ate protein I said. Eat some vegetables he said. I can't I said. They give me cramps. All vegetables?! he said surprised.

I have IBS, and then went on to explain. Plus, I said, I have stuff scheduled through till 7 or 8 this evening. "It's better to workout later though than after a meal," he said again. "Perhaps you read that and know better than me, but I can't workout at all in the evenings... I'm just not built for it." With a surprised epxression, he looked down, and nodded.

I looked at his empty plate, and said, "You ready?"

He nodded, we got up, and headed towards the hostess.

The hostess took my card and said--two... and started punching shit on her screen. "Wait!" he exclaimed, and took out his card. Apparently he hadn't lost everything last night.

I gave him this longing look, and said are you sure? I was the one who invited you?

He had an odd look on his face as he looked down at his card and handed it to the woman. Okay, I thought.

The hostess cracked some jokes to a waitress while running our cards... something about these "'kids' in here". I looked up at her and somewhat seductively said, which kids are you talking about?

She just laughed, and then we headed out. In the lobby I asked him how he put his workout together--"That's a good question," he said with some punction. Hmmm.... "I guess just from friends and things that coaches tell you to do when in season." Does this kid not think about much at all???

"How about you?", he asked. "Books..." "I never read any of those," he said. "Well 3 I found to be good in particular, and then I mixed and tweaked from there as per my goals.... But I'm trying out this new type of workout... It's been all over the country and someone I know started it..." What's it called? he asked. He pronounced it again, processing the funny terms. He didn't express much about it.

"I'm headed this way," he said invitingly, smiled, and pointed towards the campus. "I'm going to the gym," I reminded him. Again, that surprised expression. "I'll see you later," I said, and we waved and walked away from each other.

In retrospect, I think I overdid being emotional around him, and that's why he might have not liked me. In case anyone was wondering--it hurts like a bitch.

I Told Him

I committed myself to it at some point or another, but I finally just laid my balls out to Asian Boy. What did it matter? It wasn't going anywhere anyway right?

It was just my shame on the line. I don't care about that anyway.

I thought about it a lot... Weeks actually. Examined and rexamined my motivations. I had to get it right. Pollution was unacceptable.

My main concern was whether he was ready. The real main concern beneath that of course was whether the motive was about my benefit or his.

Originally the plan was to start off with telling him that I stopped talking to him for a while because he had acted like an asshole. Then I would say that being so usually doesn't make me stop talking to someone unless I like him. I would finally say that often, I got the impression that he thought I only liked doing favors for him because he was hot, but that in reality, my attraction to him was beyond his appearance.

I struggled to determine the truth of that last statement--and I couldn't really solidify it. Yes, I was into him for other reasons, but his looks were definitely an anchor. At best I could say that it wasn't primarily the reason for my liking him. All of this wordiness would of course not prove feasible in a real conversation.

Finally, I thought about actually laying out to him what I found so irresistable about him. His egotistical strength in the midst of a lack of jadedness--that really makes no sense, but I do like it. The lack of jadedness manifests itself in the look in his eyes--of true wonder whenever he encounters something totally unexpected. Its nearly an extinct quality now adays, especially in someone who is uberly blaze about everything--viz. me. Most things bore me.

This quality totally sounds like bullshit but I bring it up because I've fallen for it in others many times now.

I love how he can go from trying to be this total hard-ass to a completely open guy full of wonder. His fear usually gets him at that point--but the wonder is still there and its gorgeous to behold.

His peacefulness would have worked its way into my speech but likely ultimately not make it in because it is just a result of his repression. Nevertheless, it is another dimension of the intense duality that makes him so fucken hot to me.

I hadn't talked to him in a long while. I only greeted him whenever we nearly literally bumped into each other at the gym. He had noticeably become nicer as of late. Just smiling at me from a distance and through mirrors despite my clearly turning cold towards him.

Most obvious, I had stopped spotting him altogether. One afternoon, he was doing really heavy presses. I was working nearby, and he looked to be losing control of the weight. He was red all over, and his mouth was strain and partly open as he crunched his teeth together.

Fuck I thought, dropped what I was doing and headed towards him. As I did, he racked the weight up, and I immediately pivoted and turned around before he would catch me. But he did through the damn mirrors, though we didn't make eye-contact. His shoulders looked enormous on his large yet lithe frame. His sleevless tee could barely contain his delts. He looked spent as he got up and paced past me. After he passed me, he paced back towards the bench with a big mischievious grin plastered on his face. When I looked towards him, he looked down and averted my glare; the grin didn't leave his face though.

Fuck I thought--I'm supposed to be playing hard-ass.

On a different afternoon, he came up to me and asked me for a spot. Wierd, since I had stopped offering them and made it obvious. He was all smiles though as he asked and I nodded. He streched his long, lean, and yet very meaty arms.

As he got under the bar, he asked: How's your week been?
me: Good.
him: So you come to workout late now adays.
me: Oh--actually, I come earlier in the day often now.

The spot then finished and we didn't talk again.

Eventually, one evening, I was nice. I stretched as I noticed that he was nearing the end of his workout. When he went to get his stuff, I walked towards mine. He was leaving as I was going towards my stuff. He looked down as he saw me approach. When we were just to pass each other, abruptly looked up at me with a big ol' grin. I with a cold and yet bright eyed look replied hi. He swerved into a bathroom.

Fucker I thought. He wants to make me make it obvious.

Someone I knew was coming in. I ran over. Though I don't know her so well, I feigned an enormous amount of interest in how she was doing, buying time until Asian boy finished his business.

Finally, I saw him coming back and I immediately cut off the conversation. When he passed me and exited, he started through the stairs. The typically slow walker began taking 2 steps at a time. Wow--fucken joke.

I knew where he was headed because I had parked near there this time. We had a set of doors to go through. I figured he knew I was behind him. He held the door open for me with a big grin on his face.

As I thanked him and walked through them, he slowed down and walked next to me.

How are you? I asked.

We shot the shit for a while. He wasn't too excited about Spring Break. His plan was a road trip with 3 other folks that sounded boring as hell. He wasn't looking forward to the driving.

me: You don't like to drive??
him: Naah, not really.
me: It's the only way to become a good driver.
him: (turns away w/ a shy smile) then i'd rather not be a good driver, (turns back with a mischivious grin) just kidding

With that little boy enthusiasm that pops out of him every so often, his gazed jumped at me and asked what I was doing for the break?
Silly boi, I don't get a break--I explained in gentle terms.
Oh, he said, seemingly dismayed that his question didn't stick, or that it seemed ignorant.

We talked some more about driving long distances. It was stupid. We got to his destination, and he didn't even look up as he said, see you later, and we parted ways.

I felt stupid. I didn't accomplish what I wanted. I wanted to jar him with my speech. But now the ice had been broken. Going about my plan the original way wasn't going to work.

So, I asked him out to lunch over e-mail. He said, sure, and proposed a couple times. I took the earlier one. He said he had a class at 1:15p. So we couldn't go far.

I picked a shee shee place nearby that interested me most of all for its lack of other student patrons during lunch and its private setting. When I told him the name, he moved back the time of our meeting by 30mins. He said, otherwise we wouldn't be done in time. Hmm... he had more time than he had originally proposed. Fuck.

I picked him up way on the other side of campus. He was wearing this large and thick sweat shirt that draped over him just down to his upper thighs and deep blue classic fitted jeans. They weren't baggy in any sort of way. His van-like street shoes made him look totally boyish. His hair was scruffy and his skin not as flawless as usual.

I asked which class he had in that building and noted how far it was from the rest of the campus. He said that he walked alot on the days he had that class. I said I hated walking. He said he actually liked it. Ding.

Then he asked me if when I was in school I used to walk through a certain route--the question seemed aimed at dating me, because the building and route had been modified about 6-7 years ago. I said that the route was before my time. I then mentioned my original major at school as it would nullify the chances of me going to that building. He looked visibly surprised and moved his head back.

He then said somewhat surprised and authoritatively--I didn't know this about you.

I inwardly laughed. This kid honestly believes he knows everything about me. Ha--if only he knew.

We shot the shit somemore and finally got to the restaurant. I pointed to a route near which I frequently run. I asked him if he had ever gone running there prior. He said he wasn't an outdoor runner really. I sort of looked surprised. You like to walk outside but not to run? Odd.

As we made our way into the restaurant, he looked around quite a bit.

I looked at him with curiosity.

He picked up the hint and said, I've been here before.

A beat later he added, I've been here only once before.

Odd, I thought since this place was popular amongst students on evenings and weekends. Not coming usually meant that you either didn't have much money or didn't get out much.

I was surprised he chose to tell me he'd been there only once.

We walked in and were greeted. I cursively asked for a table for two while already casting my glance to find the most private one. I found it and motioned in that direction to the host.

AB looked around some more, and I looked out the window. It's a very nice and bright view from there. I didn't look happy though--I could tell from my reflection in the glass--I knew this would be hard as all hell.

AB looked at the menu intently---and then kept looking at it for close to five minutes. It wasn't that large a menu. I joked--you're giving this quite a bit of thought. He nodded without looking up. He kept his head down.

He asked me what was good. I said usually most things here are good and that I usually get a salad.

him: Do you put anything in it he asked?
me: sometimes, but I won't today because I might workout right after this.
he looked surprised.
I don't think he knew to what time I had changed my workouts.

After another couple minutes, I thought, whoa, he really is giving this thought. The waitress got us the waters we requested, and I said I was going to the bathroom--he still needed more time to pick his meal.

After ordering, he looked at me with this wierd semi-smile. He looked distracted and as if he was forcing himself to pay attention to me. I couldn't tell what the hell was going on.

Then he asked, they let you take long lunches like this at your job?

I said, It's up to me when and how long I make my breaks as long as I get my work done.

Then I started talking about how that works and sometimes doesn't work.

As soon as I went beyond answering his question, he exhaled and noticeably relaxed.

Holy fuck I thought. Why is he so nervous? We've had previous meals.

I kept talking and finally turned the conversation towards him.

He got more into himself than usual. He told me how he was first 7 when he got to his parents' home country and didn't know the language at all. He told me stories of when he was kid and how that now influences what foods he likes or doesn't like.

I asked a lot about his parents' country. With a sudden grin, he asked me if I still had the book I had checked out that seemed to be written by one of his relatives. I was surprised he still remembered this. I said I did and that I hadn't started it.

Finally I described the development of my affinity for his parents' country. I told him a story of when I had to first speak the language with someone I didn't know. He looked at me intently with that incredible intenstiy of sheer curiosity. He leaned forward. He kept staring at me intently as I finished telling the story and laughing.

I couldn't help but look down at his chest and shoulders because in leaning forward, everything along his clavicle had begun to jut out. I couldn't believe the distinctiveness of his body. Despite the ridiculously thick hooded sweatshirt and who knows what other layers, everything from the outermost parts of his shoulders to his collar bone, and the upper outlines of his delts and chest jutted out. The shape was perfect and incredible. All the shapes looked squared along the plane of his torso, but round in the plane that comes towards the person in front of him. Damn I thought--even comic book figures would pale in comparison.

He asked how I knew so much of the language. I said my friends taught me. He didn't seem to buy that. He asked if I had taken a class. I said no. He said I should, as he took a deep bite of his sandwhich.

We talked quite a bit, and I kept fidgeting looking for the right moment to work in my schpiel. The waitress brought the check. I paid, and we kept talking.

Finally, we paused, and he picked up his phone awkwardly off the table. Apparently he was going to check the time, but then he saw me look and just set it aside again after fidgeting with it for a couple seconds.

I asked, what time is it?

He said, 1:05.

Fuck I thought, but I said, perfect timing, your class building is really close by.

He looked down and took the napkin off his lap.

We got up, and I thought fuck, I'll have to do the speech in the car. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

As we started to walk out, I noticed his sweatshirt had ridden up while he had been sitting down. He's tall--the same height as me. Pretty unusual for someone of pure Asian descent.

I noticed his amazing body again. His ass was incredible. High and super round--its size and shape matching his hips in all the right ways. His belt hung awkwardly loose at the top of his ass--he filled the jeans out so well that he really didn't need a belt except to try as hard as possible to fit the pants correctly when they reached his waist. He pivoted to go around a table and I just looked in wonder as his legs, ass, the small of his back, and the stunning curve of his mid back tied into his lower body.

We walked out. I asked him about which sports positions he had played in high school. He told me. He said he used to be super skinny so he didn't as many options as he would've liked. Damn I thought. Who cares how much you weight when you have symmetry like his.

We shot the sports shit for a while, and finally we approached the building. Fuck I thought stupid.

He then randomly asked me--Your high school was private?

WTF? We'd not only been over our academic backgrounds several times, but he had previously noted surprise when this came up at our first dinner. Since then he has dropped lots of hints that he did research on me and those I know from high school.

Yea, I said.

He plays dumb very well in terms of facial expressions--not so well in terms of acutally strategizing his overall approach.

Finally, I brought up an issue I had wanted to address as well prior to him leaving.

I asked, did you get a job description sometime during the past couple days.

Yes, he said, and smiled and looked away. I actually applied to that and got an interview date.

I had someone e-mail it to him during the time that I had ignored him. I wasn't going to, but I knew he had difficulty landing a job this semester and the description was perfect for him.

I still wanted to cut him out of my interactions and so I had someone else send it.

Of course, the whole thing would be obviously from me. There's no way he would've heard about it or that it would've gotten to him.

I said, yea? Pretending to be non-chalant.

Yea, but they wanted someone who could work through the summer. So they cancelled my slot.

I said--why did you tell them that? Usually you just go with it and cross that bridge when you come to it--otherwise its nearly impossible to get jobs as a student in your situation.

He looked away and down, and said, wouldn't they be upset about that?

During the interview, you figure that out I said. But you do that once they've met you and they're sold on you.

He looked away through the glass, and said, It pays really well for a student, and it is within walking distance from campus he regurgitated. It sounds like a really good job.

Yea, I said half sarcastically.

I would try and get that interview back if I were you.

You really think I should? He asked.

I would, I replied.

We reached the building, he looked at me, and with the oddest biggest grin looked away quickly, and said thanks!--for lunch and everything. I think he might have said--it was good seeing you again. I can't remember because it was just as he was departing.

Fuck I thought, I'll have to try again.