The Day of Reckoning

So eventually I realized--there will be no good moment. It'll never be a good time to tell him. The whole shit will be awkward no matter what.

Becuase I would need the time and privacy, the schpiel would have to take place over a meal and it would have to start awkwardly. No fucken way around it.

So I called--for the first time ever, and asked if he was up for dinner that night. I was so fucken nervous. You could tell.

He said non-chalantly that he was going out with his friends that night. Oh--I said disappointed. There was an awkwardly long pause. "I'll see you at the gym?" he half asked and half assertively stated.

"Sure. Of course," I said in an extremely tenuous tone.

Then we hung up. I wasn't going to the gym at his usual time. I didn't bother to mention. I texted him later and asked if he was up for a meal the following day.

Sure, he replied--how about lunch, on-campus? Fuck, I thought, and as friend succintly stated, He picked quite possibly the least romantic scenario. Oh well, my time to accept reality had arrived.

I don't know why I hadn't yet accepted reality. His not liking me in some ways seemed so obvious and clear, and yet in others, his interest was clearly there. His response to me was similar to what I liked about him--paradoxical.

We texted some more and agreed to another nearby locale--essentially on campus--but that again would be private. He again moved the time up by 30mins. He does this shit a lot.

That morning I was all nervous. Of course, I was in for it. My office neighbor who's been all out of shape since she found out about me came in as usual---cold and seemingly defensive. She also came in a little earlier than her usual time, so not too many people were in the area yet.

I got the thought that since today is a day about being open and honest, I thought, what the hell? Why not just get this stuff all over with in one day?

I swiveled my chair to face my door which is directly across her door and directly faces her. I said, "Hey", at a slighly louder volume than usual. I could tell she contemplated ignoring me because of her head phones, but she didn't. She turned around and just looked at me. She looked sad and angry.

"You've been sort of different lately," I stated. "Oh?" she said and her eyes sort of popped. Her eyebrows are naturally arched, so there wasn't too much affect going on there. Her mouth opened slightly. She started shaking her head as in, No, and making her eyes drift off, as if to indicate that she had no clue. But then she brought her eyes to mine again, "Uhm..." she said pensively, and then looked away again, "No... I don't....", she lightly muttered. "How so?", she asked, crisply but non-assertively.

I was caught off gaurd. Momentarily, I felt the emotion on display. I tilted my head slightly in thought, and then looked at her straight again and said--"You're less chatty than usual." I wanted to be gentle, nothing over the top.

"OH!", she said much more loudly. "I've been sort of stressed lately," she said with some bravado and an over-the-top apologetic tone. "Yea, I've been really stressed, and haven't been getting ANY work done this past week," then she moved her head to one side momentarily while maintaining her eyes fixed on mine. "Oh! I'm so sorry you thought that... Oh! You were worrying... this whole time... NO!," she continued to say loudly.

I didn't believe a word that came out of her mouth, and the unwavering hard look on my face I know must have obviated so. I intermittenly allowed my eyes to display the surprise of her outburst. I looked away for less than a split second--worried. Worried that this whole thing was tense.

I looked back sternly and earnestly, and I said assertively, "I don't know. There's no way for me to know. But, if I have offended you somehow, I'm sorry."

"Oh! You don't need to...", she said as I swiveled my chair away from her line of vision. "I don't know," I said as I completed the turn.

We didn't talk afterwards for a while. I left it so.

The time came for me to leave and meet Asian Boi. Right before leaving, my boss plops down next to me and wants to brainstorm this new idea. Holy fuck--what ridiculousness.

I sat there with him and was aware of the clock's every tick. I was getting close to breaking a sweat. My phone started ringing--fuck it was him. I didn't know what to do.

I kept listening and responding to my boss and just agreeing with him on everything that I feasibly could to get him going without offending him. My phone ringed again. Oh shit. Finally, I jus whipped it out and started texting AB that I would be right there. My boss looked at me, and said, what are you doing?

I'm just pushing back a meeting I had with someone later today. My office neighbor had a visibly physical reaction to what I said. She sort of jumped and swiveled her seat a bit more towards our direction. Oh, he said, and very curiously looked at my message. She sneaked a look at me too. We kept talking, and eventually, he left.

I rushedly put my desk in somewhat of an order and left. I called him and told him that my boss had just left my office. Are you still at the place? I asked him. Yea, he said.

"I'm so sorry. I'll be right there." "Take your time," he said in a calming voice. "Thanks."

When I got there, he was sitting on the bench at the front. He was wearing sweatpants and a sweat jacket. Brown and gray. As usual, anything sort of clingy is going to look pretty good on him. I smiled, "Hey."

"Hey," he said with little affect as he folded the paper. He got up and I looked towards the dining room. It was packed. I didn't expect a crowded time slot. The hostess asked me if I had a reservation.

"A reseveration?" I said dismally. I've never needed a reservation here before I said. I don't have any tables that aren't reserved right now, Sir, she said. Then one of the bus boys came around having over-heard our conversation. One just opened up, he said as he pointed with his eyes to a table that had just been vacated. I just have to clean it up, he said, if you're willing to wait.

I looked at AB with worried eyes--I didn't want my opportunity to go away--I was ready. Are you okay with waiting or should we go to a different place?

There were other nearby places that were much quicker. He looked around a little bit, and tenuously said, "I don't know, I have a lot of work to do." I thought--its not that time of the semester as far as I know, I thought to myself. He took out his cell phone and looked at the time sternly. "I can wait," he said unconvincingly. I gave him a sorry ass apologetic look. I looked way immediately.

We were quickly seated and got our food. He had lost his wallet the previous evening. Someone stole it out of his open dorm room. Clearly a dormmate must have taken it. He had lots of cash in it. He still looked pissed about it. I expressed surprise and concern. I told him about the last time that happened to me. I hoped he either found it or got all the stupid shit out of the way soon.

I asked about his semester. He was taking more than typical load of courses. Nearly as many as I took my last few semesters. I was shocked. He arrogantly pretended to not realize that what he had been doing was unusual. Then he said, it's the only way I can go abroad for all of next year. Again, I was shocked and my heart sank. "Oh," I tried to sound excited, "where to?"

He named the place. My eyes widened. I've always wanted to go there I exclaimed. "Really?" he skeptically said, but with a touch of surprise. "I thought one of your parents was from there," he asked with a skeptical half smile.

I retuned a super skeptical arched brow look. "Uhm, neither of my parents are from there," I reiterated. "Oh," he said cursively as he looked at his glass, "I guess I must have thought that because of your last name." Now my face looked contorted in confusion. He looked away in an aloof manner.

What? I thought to myself. Clearly he's been thinking a bit about my last name. It sort of sounds like it could be from that region, but not really. Does he still not believe my origin? I'm flattered that I get confused for so many things--all of them being stereotypically hot, but still. He was trying to fuck with me.

"Maybe I thought that because of your first name," he retorted. Again, ding--my first name has nothing to do with anything. What a dork. "One of my sister's best friends just spent the year there," I finally switched the subject. He looked disinterested. "She loved the unusual access there," I went on. His interest seemed piqued, and then finally he realized that I really knew quite a bit about this place. I told him what my sister's friend would soon be doing there on a long term basis. He gave me that freaked look again, and then he finally came down from it. He has a hard time accepting I think the fact that someone just knows more than he does on many planes.

After a few moments of silence, I looked down at my plate as I poached at my food. He said something, I didn't know what it was. I just knew that I had to get this started. I ignored his comment, and he fell silent.

I started to look up, but then looked down again. Finally, I gathered the strength that I needed to really get this going. I looked up, and straigthened my posture more. I gave him a gentle expression on my face, full of emotion. "Maybe you noticed," I started, "that I sort of ignored you at the gym for a while."

His face broke into a huge grin. His eyes were full of knowledge--mischevious. He slowly started to mouth without removing the expression from his eyes, 'No...' He didn't quite it it out. He started to slowly move his head from side to side. The smile never left him, and my look was beginning to turn penetrative. He quickly looked straight down at his plate as his shoulder slouched down, and said, "Why?" The question was so clear despite the fact that he ducted his head.

"Because..." I continued, "I like you." His head snapped up, even though his shoulders remained in place, and he looked up at me with bright and widely open eyes. "Like, I like you like you," I emphasized. I wanted to elminate any doubts. "But early on, I realized you didn't feel the same way about me," I lied, and he looked down again. "So, it was awkward for me to try and keep talking to you," I said conclusively. He looked up finally, and nodded, noting his understanding of my point. "I didn't--", he interrupted me. "Wait," he said assertively and pointed his skeptical grin at me, "what do you mean... you 'like' me."

Geesus--this kid was a joke. He had me, and now wanted to milk it for all it was worth. Was his ego insatiable?

I laughed and half chuckled, and then looked at him intensely with disbelief. "I'm a-t-t-r-a-c-t-e-d to you," I said deliberately slow. His head bobbed up and then down into a nod in supposed novel understanding, and his face was again hidden from mine. "But, I didn't want you to think that my awkward behavior at the gym was on you," I continued, he again, bobbed his head up and down in understanding while holding his head down for another moment. "I just want to be very good friends," he said. Then he looked up and said, I'm going to get some soup. He paused for a second, half way smiled, and then got up.

He came back, and again, assumed a hunched position--unusual since he has awesome posture pretty much all the time. "This is really awkward," he said, while again not looking up at me. I just gave him a sneaky smile, and then reverted to my wide eyed look. He finally looked up and said, "really awkward."

"Uhm...," I didn't know whether to apologize or not. So I just went on, "I wasn't going to talk to you at that point any more... But then I got this job description and saw that it was perfect for you.... I didn't want to send it though.... Because.... I was afraid that it would be misinterpretted." He again nodded, and looked up at me. His posture straigtened out and was back to normal. "You shoudl know.... that I...," and then he gave me a longing but pitiful look, "I don't feel the same way about you." I matched the pointedness in his glare that it had developed towards the end of that sentence. I didn't know what to think. Was he serious? Did he mean it in the same way I meant it? I'm glad he took it upon himself to clarify though.

He took a sip of the soup without bending down. When he was done I said, "That's when I realized.... that I liked you beyond that." His torso jumped back, and his eyes again widened, and then he looked away from me. "So, I had someone else send the description to you," I said conclusively. "I didn't care if you weren't going to reciprocate, I just wanted to be nice to you, and that was it." I paused. "You remind me of myself in ways that are very compelling.... I like being nice to you even though I know it won't be reciprocated." I wiped the caring look off my face, and requipped sternly with a half smile, "That doesn't happen often with me."

Finally, he exhaled and smiled big, and said, "I'm so glad you told me.... I had no idea."

Bullshit, I thought.... Bullshit.... he's known since nearly the very beginning.

"I just want to be very good friends.... the way we are now," he said. Palatable I thought, but who said we were 'very good friends'? Then he got that suspicious smile again, and out of the corner of his eyes looked at me, and said, "That is as long as you know, that I don't... I don't feel the same way about you."

Ouch--fuck, he wants to reiterate this point how many times? I still think he was half lying, so I gave him a muted suspicious smile, and looked him hard in the eyes, and said, "I understand." I meant that I understood his position. I don't know what would've happened, had someone who was attracted to me at school told me flat out that they were into me when I was his age.

God knows I wouldn't have gone to dinner with some random dude from the gym. I also turned down so many obvious come ons. All because I was afraid, and because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for sex with men, and I wasn't ready for anything other than a flirt here and there. Even, when I had the perfect opportunities with the guys I crushed on--I still just let them go. I was deteremined to start with a hook up--that I didn't have a crush on. Physicality with me and men was going to be fucken hard as hell. Might as well start off with something less charged and as such with something devoid of all of the emotions that might make it even harder.

"A professor... once said to me this," I begain again. He looked up again, surprised and slighlty confused. "What I just said to you," I clarified, and his eyes responded with understanding. "While I was in one of his courses...." I looked at him, expecting that to take a second to sink in. I don't know if it did. He definitely reacted to my expectation though.

"He offered me lots of favors... that would've impacted my future goals and personal outlook significantly.... But I turned them down," I said. "I regret that in retrospect, I should've taken advantage of them all," because I might have sounded like a purely self-interested ass hole, I followed up with, "I regret it because I realized eventually why I had turned them down." He looked up at me quizically. "Because I implicitly understood them to be conditional." He nodded.

"He never clarified... had he clarified, I would have felt far more free to take him up on them... " I paused for a little bit. "I don't want that to happen to you with me." He nodded. I figured he knew this already, since seldom had he recently turned down any favors or invitations, but I wanted to make sure.

He nodded. Then he looked up at me with straight posture, and with a light smile, asked me, "When... when did you know?"

"When did I know what?," I asked surprised. I didn't expect this quesiton. I looked at him with surprised, and finally intuited his question, "that I liked guys???" He nodded.

Whoa I thought... I started the long story but shortened to a couple of minutes. I told him how unbelievably ambiguous I thought the campus was sexually speaking, and how I divided my homosexual life from my 'straight life'. That was stressful I said. I told him that I had experienced a huge disappointment (the initial crush/love I had exchanged with my older boss, who was married) and how that disappointment finally led me to actually decide to look at guys my age at school. Till then I had not at all seriously ever tried anything with the guys at school, and that I had not really hooked up much because I didn't believe in that culture.

What I encountered blew me away and confused me beyond what I could handle. I started to flirt with guys, but I was flirting with the hottest guys. If I were to rank guys in terms of how 'straight' they were here at school, I continued, these guys would have been at the top. Experiencing something so different than what was supposed accepted and common knowledge, made coming out even more difficult. I deeply questioned whether what I was experiencing was real or imagined, and all in my head.

Finally, the flirting got more serious and eventually became undeniable. Physical propositions arose, and my attraction also became undeniable. I had crushes on girls ever since I can remember, but ignoring the crushes on guys and dismissing them as something else is alwasy possible, I said, as long as you never get yourself into a possibly physical situation. Up until then, the attraction is not yet manifest, and you can deny and rationalize as much as necessary. Not until I was in the actual situation, where I realized what I would do, did I finally know, that I liked guys. They were too hot. They were too many. I have lots and lots of stories about people at this school, I threw in with an inviting smile. You can always ask me questions if about wierd people if you need to.... (hint hint).

It was good to have the professor around I went on--because he was here and knew this place but was not in my social sphere. Having someone like that was a big deal (hint hint).

He looked down, with his shoulders hunched over. So, I changed the subject. What do you think of this place? He looked shocked that I asked the question, and finally, he muttered, sexually?

No, I half shrugged, in general. He gave me a vacuous look, and a half smile. He was going to lie. I don't know, he said. I never really thought about it. I guess I don't have as much happening as you did.

He really dislikes this school. He has gone off about it before. I gave him an easy way to change the subject. He didn't.

I smiled, and said, "being conventional can keep you from thinking so much..." He started to smile back, but then I sharply retorted, "But so can being very unconventional."

The conversation lulled. He looked up and straightened his torso again. Then he said in the same way he asked the first question, "Are your parents okay with it?"

Again, I was surprised by his quesiton. He's never asked personal questions like these in the past.

"No," I said after a second of thought. "I can't talk to my mother about it at all. My father will listen to me about it, but he makes clear that he does not agree with my beliefs." We both sort of nodded, and again, looked at our food. "I didn't expect them to," I said while I had my head down. "They're old fashioned," I said and he nodded and his eyes again demonstrated understanding.

"But I didn't get the worst reaction... A lot of others I've known, just get disowned." He again nodded, with a little umph... perhaps discomfort. No one likes to admit that its true and that its reality. Whether you are straight or not straight.

We shot the shit some more, and asked me if my food was all I was going to have. Yes, I said, I'm working out right after this. He got all freakin surprised again, and said that I shouldn't workout right after a meal. I only ate protein I said. Eat some vegetables he said. I can't I said. They give me cramps. All vegetables?! he said surprised.

I have IBS, and then went on to explain. Plus, I said, I have stuff scheduled through till 7 or 8 this evening. "It's better to workout later though than after a meal," he said again. "Perhaps you read that and know better than me, but I can't workout at all in the evenings... I'm just not built for it." With a surprised epxression, he looked down, and nodded.

I looked at his empty plate, and said, "You ready?"

He nodded, we got up, and headed towards the hostess.

The hostess took my card and said--two... and started punching shit on her screen. "Wait!" he exclaimed, and took out his card. Apparently he hadn't lost everything last night.

I gave him this longing look, and said are you sure? I was the one who invited you?

He had an odd look on his face as he looked down at his card and handed it to the woman. Okay, I thought.

The hostess cracked some jokes to a waitress while running our cards... something about these "'kids' in here". I looked up at her and somewhat seductively said, which kids are you talking about?

She just laughed, and then we headed out. In the lobby I asked him how he put his workout together--"That's a good question," he said with some punction. Hmmm.... "I guess just from friends and things that coaches tell you to do when in season." Does this kid not think about much at all???

"How about you?", he asked. "Books..." "I never read any of those," he said. "Well 3 I found to be good in particular, and then I mixed and tweaked from there as per my goals.... But I'm trying out this new type of workout... It's been all over the country and someone I know started it..." What's it called? he asked. He pronounced it again, processing the funny terms. He didn't express much about it.

"I'm headed this way," he said invitingly, smiled, and pointed towards the campus. "I'm going to the gym," I reminded him. Again, that surprised expression. "I'll see you later," I said, and we waved and walked away from each other.

In retrospect, I think I overdid being emotional around him, and that's why he might have not liked me. In case anyone was wondering--it hurts like a bitch.