Motive & Intent

So last night I helped one of the Buddhists with some errands and menial labor for the organization. While doing so, we talked through my whole lunch with Asian Boy.

I'm having a really hard time interacting with him ever since I told him. Why? Because he wasn't real with me. He didn't fess up to the truth---even if the truth was going to be just terribly offensive--like--"you were only worth the tease. Sorry man! Jokes on you!"

Of course, all the rationality comes into the picture. He's young. He's not at the point where he can say these things quite so bluntly. He's socially inept and at a school that perpetuates such retardation. Plus, maybe he doesn't understand exactly how he feels. The hallmark of youth.

I saw him at the gym the other day, and I couldn't bring myself to talk to him for real. I went into the gym, all amphed up and didn't notice anything--ANYTHING. I focused solely on my tasks. Needless to say, I ended up on a bench next to his and didn't even notice that he was there. After a few minutes I whipped around to stretch, and found myself literally almost on top of him as I swerved to not run into him. He was just finishing a set as I swerved. He looked spent, and as usual, troubled.

He looked up at me after a second and gave me that surprised/stunned look. I chucked out a smile, but unforutnately, the smile came out looking all fucken seductive. To some degree because of the stretch into which I was positioning myself. I move forward and out of his bodyspace and I didn't come back.

For the next 1/2 hour, whenever I came anywhere near him, I swear I noticed him hesitating and increasing his alertness of his surroundings. He was tracking me and was getting freaked whenever I came near him.

I couldn't say hi to him. Honestly, I wanted him to tell me that he liked me, and anything less would fucken not suffice. I want what I want.

I'm like a fucken 5yr old, not knowing how to accept that my desire will not be fulfilled. I keep telling myself--didn't I tell him all my guts because I wanted something more? Even if lust had gotten the better of him, wouldn't the ensuing relation have been completely disasterous? So why do I find myself having a hard time being nice to him once again?