I Told Him

I committed myself to it at some point or another, but I finally just laid my balls out to Asian Boy. What did it matter? It wasn't going anywhere anyway right?

It was just my shame on the line. I don't care about that anyway.

I thought about it a lot... Weeks actually. Examined and rexamined my motivations. I had to get it right. Pollution was unacceptable.

My main concern was whether he was ready. The real main concern beneath that of course was whether the motive was about my benefit or his.

Originally the plan was to start off with telling him that I stopped talking to him for a while because he had acted like an asshole. Then I would say that being so usually doesn't make me stop talking to someone unless I like him. I would finally say that often, I got the impression that he thought I only liked doing favors for him because he was hot, but that in reality, my attraction to him was beyond his appearance.

I struggled to determine the truth of that last statement--and I couldn't really solidify it. Yes, I was into him for other reasons, but his looks were definitely an anchor. At best I could say that it wasn't primarily the reason for my liking him. All of this wordiness would of course not prove feasible in a real conversation.

Finally, I thought about actually laying out to him what I found so irresistable about him. His egotistical strength in the midst of a lack of jadedness--that really makes no sense, but I do like it. The lack of jadedness manifests itself in the look in his eyes--of true wonder whenever he encounters something totally unexpected. Its nearly an extinct quality now adays, especially in someone who is uberly blaze about everything--viz. me. Most things bore me.

This quality totally sounds like bullshit but I bring it up because I've fallen for it in others many times now.

I love how he can go from trying to be this total hard-ass to a completely open guy full of wonder. His fear usually gets him at that point--but the wonder is still there and its gorgeous to behold.

His peacefulness would have worked its way into my speech but likely ultimately not make it in because it is just a result of his repression. Nevertheless, it is another dimension of the intense duality that makes him so fucken hot to me.

I hadn't talked to him in a long while. I only greeted him whenever we nearly literally bumped into each other at the gym. He had noticeably become nicer as of late. Just smiling at me from a distance and through mirrors despite my clearly turning cold towards him.

Most obvious, I had stopped spotting him altogether. One afternoon, he was doing really heavy presses. I was working nearby, and he looked to be losing control of the weight. He was red all over, and his mouth was strain and partly open as he crunched his teeth together.

Fuck I thought, dropped what I was doing and headed towards him. As I did, he racked the weight up, and I immediately pivoted and turned around before he would catch me. But he did through the damn mirrors, though we didn't make eye-contact. His shoulders looked enormous on his large yet lithe frame. His sleevless tee could barely contain his delts. He looked spent as he got up and paced past me. After he passed me, he paced back towards the bench with a big mischievious grin plastered on his face. When I looked towards him, he looked down and averted my glare; the grin didn't leave his face though.

Fuck I thought--I'm supposed to be playing hard-ass.

On a different afternoon, he came up to me and asked me for a spot. Wierd, since I had stopped offering them and made it obvious. He was all smiles though as he asked and I nodded. He streched his long, lean, and yet very meaty arms.

As he got under the bar, he asked: How's your week been?
me: Good.
him: So you come to workout late now adays.
me: Oh--actually, I come earlier in the day often now.

The spot then finished and we didn't talk again.

Eventually, one evening, I was nice. I stretched as I noticed that he was nearing the end of his workout. When he went to get his stuff, I walked towards mine. He was leaving as I was going towards my stuff. He looked down as he saw me approach. When we were just to pass each other, abruptly looked up at me with a big ol' grin. I with a cold and yet bright eyed look replied hi. He swerved into a bathroom.

Fucker I thought. He wants to make me make it obvious.

Someone I knew was coming in. I ran over. Though I don't know her so well, I feigned an enormous amount of interest in how she was doing, buying time until Asian boy finished his business.

Finally, I saw him coming back and I immediately cut off the conversation. When he passed me and exited, he started through the stairs. The typically slow walker began taking 2 steps at a time. Wow--fucken joke.

I knew where he was headed because I had parked near there this time. We had a set of doors to go through. I figured he knew I was behind him. He held the door open for me with a big grin on his face.

As I thanked him and walked through them, he slowed down and walked next to me.

How are you? I asked.

We shot the shit for a while. He wasn't too excited about Spring Break. His plan was a road trip with 3 other folks that sounded boring as hell. He wasn't looking forward to the driving.

me: You don't like to drive??
him: Naah, not really.
me: It's the only way to become a good driver.
him: (turns away w/ a shy smile) then i'd rather not be a good driver, (turns back with a mischivious grin) just kidding

With that little boy enthusiasm that pops out of him every so often, his gazed jumped at me and asked what I was doing for the break?
Silly boi, I don't get a break--I explained in gentle terms.
Oh, he said, seemingly dismayed that his question didn't stick, or that it seemed ignorant.

We talked some more about driving long distances. It was stupid. We got to his destination, and he didn't even look up as he said, see you later, and we parted ways.

I felt stupid. I didn't accomplish what I wanted. I wanted to jar him with my speech. But now the ice had been broken. Going about my plan the original way wasn't going to work.

So, I asked him out to lunch over e-mail. He said, sure, and proposed a couple times. I took the earlier one. He said he had a class at 1:15p. So we couldn't go far.

I picked a shee shee place nearby that interested me most of all for its lack of other student patrons during lunch and its private setting. When I told him the name, he moved back the time of our meeting by 30mins. He said, otherwise we wouldn't be done in time. Hmm... he had more time than he had originally proposed. Fuck.

I picked him up way on the other side of campus. He was wearing this large and thick sweat shirt that draped over him just down to his upper thighs and deep blue classic fitted jeans. They weren't baggy in any sort of way. His van-like street shoes made him look totally boyish. His hair was scruffy and his skin not as flawless as usual.

I asked which class he had in that building and noted how far it was from the rest of the campus. He said that he walked alot on the days he had that class. I said I hated walking. He said he actually liked it. Ding.

Then he asked me if when I was in school I used to walk through a certain route--the question seemed aimed at dating me, because the building and route had been modified about 6-7 years ago. I said that the route was before my time. I then mentioned my original major at school as it would nullify the chances of me going to that building. He looked visibly surprised and moved his head back.

He then said somewhat surprised and authoritatively--I didn't know this about you.

I inwardly laughed. This kid honestly believes he knows everything about me. Ha--if only he knew.

We shot the shit somemore and finally got to the restaurant. I pointed to a route near which I frequently run. I asked him if he had ever gone running there prior. He said he wasn't an outdoor runner really. I sort of looked surprised. You like to walk outside but not to run? Odd.

As we made our way into the restaurant, he looked around quite a bit.

I looked at him with curiosity.

He picked up the hint and said, I've been here before.

A beat later he added, I've been here only once before.

Odd, I thought since this place was popular amongst students on evenings and weekends. Not coming usually meant that you either didn't have much money or didn't get out much.

I was surprised he chose to tell me he'd been there only once.

We walked in and were greeted. I cursively asked for a table for two while already casting my glance to find the most private one. I found it and motioned in that direction to the host.

AB looked around some more, and I looked out the window. It's a very nice and bright view from there. I didn't look happy though--I could tell from my reflection in the glass--I knew this would be hard as all hell.

AB looked at the menu intently---and then kept looking at it for close to five minutes. It wasn't that large a menu. I joked--you're giving this quite a bit of thought. He nodded without looking up. He kept his head down.

He asked me what was good. I said usually most things here are good and that I usually get a salad.

him: Do you put anything in it he asked?
me: sometimes, but I won't today because I might workout right after this.
he looked surprised.
I don't think he knew to what time I had changed my workouts.

After another couple minutes, I thought, whoa, he really is giving this thought. The waitress got us the waters we requested, and I said I was going to the bathroom--he still needed more time to pick his meal.

After ordering, he looked at me with this wierd semi-smile. He looked distracted and as if he was forcing himself to pay attention to me. I couldn't tell what the hell was going on.

Then he asked, they let you take long lunches like this at your job?

I said, It's up to me when and how long I make my breaks as long as I get my work done.

Then I started talking about how that works and sometimes doesn't work.

As soon as I went beyond answering his question, he exhaled and noticeably relaxed.

Holy fuck I thought. Why is he so nervous? We've had previous meals.

I kept talking and finally turned the conversation towards him.

He got more into himself than usual. He told me how he was first 7 when he got to his parents' home country and didn't know the language at all. He told me stories of when he was kid and how that now influences what foods he likes or doesn't like.

I asked a lot about his parents' country. With a sudden grin, he asked me if I still had the book I had checked out that seemed to be written by one of his relatives. I was surprised he still remembered this. I said I did and that I hadn't started it.

Finally I described the development of my affinity for his parents' country. I told him a story of when I had to first speak the language with someone I didn't know. He looked at me intently with that incredible intenstiy of sheer curiosity. He leaned forward. He kept staring at me intently as I finished telling the story and laughing.

I couldn't help but look down at his chest and shoulders because in leaning forward, everything along his clavicle had begun to jut out. I couldn't believe the distinctiveness of his body. Despite the ridiculously thick hooded sweatshirt and who knows what other layers, everything from the outermost parts of his shoulders to his collar bone, and the upper outlines of his delts and chest jutted out. The shape was perfect and incredible. All the shapes looked squared along the plane of his torso, but round in the plane that comes towards the person in front of him. Damn I thought--even comic book figures would pale in comparison.

He asked how I knew so much of the language. I said my friends taught me. He didn't seem to buy that. He asked if I had taken a class. I said no. He said I should, as he took a deep bite of his sandwhich.

We talked quite a bit, and I kept fidgeting looking for the right moment to work in my schpiel. The waitress brought the check. I paid, and we kept talking.

Finally, we paused, and he picked up his phone awkwardly off the table. Apparently he was going to check the time, but then he saw me look and just set it aside again after fidgeting with it for a couple seconds.

I asked, what time is it?

He said, 1:05.

Fuck I thought, but I said, perfect timing, your class building is really close by.

He looked down and took the napkin off his lap.

We got up, and I thought fuck, I'll have to do the speech in the car. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

As we started to walk out, I noticed his sweatshirt had ridden up while he had been sitting down. He's tall--the same height as me. Pretty unusual for someone of pure Asian descent.

I noticed his amazing body again. His ass was incredible. High and super round--its size and shape matching his hips in all the right ways. His belt hung awkwardly loose at the top of his ass--he filled the jeans out so well that he really didn't need a belt except to try as hard as possible to fit the pants correctly when they reached his waist. He pivoted to go around a table and I just looked in wonder as his legs, ass, the small of his back, and the stunning curve of his mid back tied into his lower body.

We walked out. I asked him about which sports positions he had played in high school. He told me. He said he used to be super skinny so he didn't as many options as he would've liked. Damn I thought. Who cares how much you weight when you have symmetry like his.

We shot the sports shit for a while, and finally we approached the building. Fuck I thought stupid.

He then randomly asked me--Your high school was private?

WTF? We'd not only been over our academic backgrounds several times, but he had previously noted surprise when this came up at our first dinner. Since then he has dropped lots of hints that he did research on me and those I know from high school.

Yea, I said.

He plays dumb very well in terms of facial expressions--not so well in terms of acutally strategizing his overall approach.

Finally, I brought up an issue I had wanted to address as well prior to him leaving.

I asked, did you get a job description sometime during the past couple days.

Yes, he said, and smiled and looked away. I actually applied to that and got an interview date.

I had someone e-mail it to him during the time that I had ignored him. I wasn't going to, but I knew he had difficulty landing a job this semester and the description was perfect for him.

I still wanted to cut him out of my interactions and so I had someone else send it.

Of course, the whole thing would be obviously from me. There's no way he would've heard about it or that it would've gotten to him.

I said, yea? Pretending to be non-chalant.

Yea, but they wanted someone who could work through the summer. So they cancelled my slot.

I said--why did you tell them that? Usually you just go with it and cross that bridge when you come to it--otherwise its nearly impossible to get jobs as a student in your situation.

He looked away and down, and said, wouldn't they be upset about that?

During the interview, you figure that out I said. But you do that once they've met you and they're sold on you.

He looked away through the glass, and said, It pays really well for a student, and it is within walking distance from campus he regurgitated. It sounds like a really good job.

Yea, I said half sarcastically.

I would try and get that interview back if I were you.

You really think I should? He asked.

I would, I replied.

We reached the building, he looked at me, and with the oddest biggest grin looked away quickly, and said thanks!--for lunch and everything. I think he might have said--it was good seeing you again. I can't remember because it was just as he was departing.

Fuck I thought, I'll have to try again.