When it Hits the Fan

Yesterday I got an e-mail from one of the buddhist leaders asking me not to go back. I was right they kicked me out---hahaha.

Two meetings before my slaying, one of them had asked to speak to me. As soon as that happened, two of the those remaining in the room suddenly had a reason to leave. I was alone with her.

We talked. She said that I broke her concentration during certain activities. She said she didn't know what it was about me--except that I seem to always have a mind of my own (WTF???), or a strong will--but that this caused her to have many issues with me. She said that when I didn't talk to her nicely, she would be down for days.

Her issue was fairly obvious. She was attracted to me. Duh. I suspected so earlier. Her smile and giggle and just plain giddiness whenever I would address her or have conversation with her were just a little ridiculuous and scary because she a very low-affect person. These sudden displays of emotion were very out of place. I think what really bothered me however was how intense they seemed to be. It was as if everything else she did was sort of an echo of something else she felt, but when she was around me, she was in the moment and her reactions were spontaneous.

I hate myself for not being able to reciprocate. She apologized for 'projecting' stuff on to me. I asked her what she thought the issue was. She said she really didn't know. I pried. She continued to deflect. Goddam--her resistance was just too much. So I let it go. She said it was fine, even though she started crying. I was like, I'm out of here. I apologized if I had ever offended her and asked if she wanted to address any other issues. She said, No, and then thanked me for my willingness to listen.

However, a certain phrase she used often bothered me--"I'm sorry, is this making you uncomfortable?"--she would say every other two sentences with a look of almost grotesque pleasure in hopes that my answer whether verbal or in my facial expression would be 'Yes'. Afterwards, she would switch right back into looking utterly pitiful. Her attempts at emotional manipulation were obvious and disgusting. Go to hell bitch. Aaaaaaah, how sick!

I had to get out of there. BG figured it out too, and eventually told me she wasn't going to go back.

I had a final meeting with one of the leaders. Her hand was shaking as she was talking to me, and her face was rivited on occasion by what seemed like fear and anger.

She basically hated my so called disrespect for the founder. Fuck you, go to hell, bitch. I told her my mind. She told me hers. She's crazy and needs the buddhists to survive. She didn't like my critical approach--wait, I thought this was supposed to be about trying to break the ego? Oh well.

We parted ways. She looked and acted crazy. I was freaked out.