Real Death

I saw him tonight... the One I love.

He told me he might be coming. He hinted we take a trip back again... to the place where we were alone for the first prolonged time. His version of Brokeback? But now he's engaged, how could he be thinking this?

I wasn't hearing from him although I knew he was now here. I texted him implying that I understood if he didn't have time to chill. He has tons of people to 'catch-up' with including the finace. He's one of the few about whom I'm not insecure about his feelings towards me. The look in his eyes when he sees me every single time is all the assurance I need.

His suggestion of us going back to our version of 'Paris' was out of character. He hinted back to old times and asked me how I felt about those times. As usual, I said I thought them to be awesome. He backhandedly shot me down. I saw past it. He's scared.

I didn't know until a mutual friend spontaneously brought up having heard from him randomly. He wasn't doing too well. He was hating his career. He seemed unhappy. This explains his behavior I thought. Maybe being all grown up, ala your parents version, isn't all its cracked up to be, huh?

He called me back. We phone tagged and then he invited me to dinner with his fiance. I was a little skeptical, but I went anyway. It was a large dinner group in the end so it was fine. He saw me from a far, got up, and came over to hug me.

The fiance pretended to not have seen me. Then she pretended to not have met me. Hilarious. She found an odd way to ask me personal questions in a way that pretended to be common.

She freaked out at how alike she was to me in certain ways. She would just halt in shock.

At a different point, she just sort of got disturbed, and bluntly said, I can see why you guys are great friends. Odd I thought, he and I haven't hung out really since he and she met.

He was insecure. He still found the need to sell her to me.

The look in my eye--of jealousy, of unbelievably sublimated rage, was undeniable, especially to his eyes. He smiled, haughtily.

I looked at her. Physically, there was nothing remarkable about her. The complete opposite of him, and in his own words, the complete opposite of us. She was severely over dressed for the dinner.

But looks don't matter. That's not what he was after. He got what he wanted. She made life liveable in the way he needs. She chimes in when necessary. She fills in all the gaps that makes his socializing possible. He found someone who connects him to the world. She's pretty but in no way threatening.

She brings peace to his world in her being in all noticeable ways normal. You wouldn't guess that academically she's a genius. But looking at him, you would assume the maximum of most things about him. He hates that, and now, he's found something to get around it.

She adores him. She's constantly all over him and staring at him. He oddly still felt the need to brag about his apperance. It's ugly for him to do that because it's so obvious, that 'crass' doesn't even cover it. It's like Johnny Depp saying--haha, i'm hot--like in all seriousness. He only resorts to this, infrequenlty, and when he's feeling extremely insecure. It's his last fall back. Tonight, it happened several times. It was sad.

Drinks went even worst. Yes, he didn't give me any attention. True, she was clinging to him like a feather on a bird, but still. Before, parties when I was there, were a party of only two. Him and me. His friends knew it. It was obvious from miles away. And now, it was no more.

Her laughter was so canned. He was so complacent with everything.

Before, we used to talk in the most profound mode. Our words were as heavy as lead, laden with meaning. Now, everything--EVERYTHING--was chitter chatter. My ears hurt, & so I left.

He reached out with his hand, and asked me to reciprocate in the old way we used to do it. He wanted me to affirm that all was well. I gave him a look of boredom and sadness, and finished our move. If you're around tomorrow, call me, I said. He looked at me and nodded.

Has he died? The passion for truth. The pleasure of experiencing truth. Looking into each other's eyes and finding so much meaning. Is it all gone? This is worst than corporeal death. He's my second beloved to go this way if such is indeed the case. It hurts like a bitch.