Losing my Touch

More ranting, of course: I realize I'm losing my energy to think. Maybe it's my increasing tolerance for adderall and all such stimulants.

Usually, I process at light speed and make heavy headway towards realizations and all such things. But today, I was lazy. I felt overwhelmed. It's finals season. My crushes have officially entered the twilight zone, and I am feeling rather lonely.

I'm tired, and I am know that neither crush will really work out.

I got a new job that is looking to turn itself into a full time job and includes a major move. I hate my current job. They hate me too. This week I will be likely talking to HR about ending my contract early. I really don't foresee any qualms about the whole issue. Wow, it didn't take that long to burn this shit out. Still, I've learned a tremendous amount in a very safe environment. My future isn't hurt if at all touched by my not-so-stupendous time here. Plus, now I know what to look for in future jobs. I didn't intend to do this type of work for very long and the people with whom I will be working will already think highly of me. I have some moral qualms about how I got around to getting this new job, but that issue is for a separate post.

My depressive moody state the past couple of days has been due to 3 developments:

1. Asian Boi hasn't talked to me in forever since I stopped making an effort to talk to him. No niceities or random attempts at contact. Whoa... a. He really just wasn't into me. b. He is socially unassertive. From where did I learn this? His springbreak was a bit on the lameside. He wasn't looking forward to it. When he got back, he said--it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He went with a few people that I didn't expect him to hang with for a whole break. Meanwhile, some other friends of his went on an awesome trip worthy of several sexy photo albums. These friends like him a lot, but I noticed that he treats them usually in an insecure/aloof way. Why didn't he just have a good break? Who knows. Perhaps the issue was money. Somehow I doubt it, but still. I don't see him having the iniative to do much, and if he likes me even a nominal amount, I don't see that motivating him to talk to me. Conclusion: His lack of interest is me is exacerbated. This doesn't change much, but it's some consolation, right?

2. Buddhist girl is just not that into me either. Mitigating circumstances abound. She found out pretty early that I wasn't going to be around for long because of my job and other career interests I am pursuing. I remember her response--she sort of jumped at the comment when I made it. A couple of my girlfriends tell me that this factor is major in making people detach. Right up until finals time, we have spent an inordinate amount of time with each other, but I just don't get the sense that she is massively curious about me--a feature that usually is key in indicating interest. Geez... even Asian Boi demonstrated having done multiple on-line and friend stalking sessions on me.

3. Just as finals period was rolling around and I was dateless for the weekend, I run into the LGBT prez who was interested in chilling with me back in the day. He asked if I was busy that evening and then gave me his number. He said he was going out with some friends but then might be free after that. If he wasn't too drunk, he'd call me. Probably not, he said, but I'll call you either way, he ammended. No fucken phone call. A total contradiction--perhaps--to my readings of him prior. He gets nervous around me. Like noticeably nervous. He's been aggressive about letting me know that he wants to get to know me, but drops the ball at the last second often. Mitigating circumstances: he has a boi friend, though this issue doesn't stop many gay men from anything and we've only known each other during the busy period of his semester, which considering his field--its a bitch. Still, I wish I would've been more compelling.

So what? --- I'm way needier than most people or people just don't care to see me that much. I'm not all that used to such status. I'm used to people jamming up in my face, and now, I guess I'm old and yesterday's news. Why? Have I lost my hot touch?


PS: a friend said to me the most interesting thing lately--everyone has needs. You cannot condemn anyone for attempting to fulfill them through you or anyone else. However, everyone has different intents in meeting their needs, for that they can be judged. Question then, is sadism and other awful things needs for some, or never a need for any?