Dreaming with Supermodels

Twice now I've had similar dreams with supermodels. Its retarded. I know. The first was with Miranda Kerr. She was doing her make up and we were both looking into a mirror. This second dream, I went shopping with Gisele and we tried on lots of clothes. This dream was more detailed because I actually remember picking out clothes that matched her coloring. According to the dream dictionary, here is what it means:

To dream that you are good friends with a celebrity, represents your idealized version of someone you know in your life. Perhaps you hope that a real-life friend can act more like a particular celebrity. Consider the qualities that you see in this celebrity and how you want your friends to have those qualities.

I thought I would post about it since it seems to go in line with my previous post.

Forbidden Fruit w/o a Buddy

I read over some of my posts. I'm alone tonight. My gay parents didn't call me. My sister had issues w/ me. She still wanted to come. I was a bit suspicious of her motives but I let her come anyway. We had a good time.

My school has a dinner every year for international students and for just anyone who's hanging around. It was crowded. My sister and I nabbed the only 2 available seats we could find. Ironically, it put me right in the line of vision of that super hot girl I've been flirting with all semester long. She got super excited when she saw me and came right over and gave me a big hug. I introduced her to my sister and then I mentioned that we should hang out during this break. She got super weird at that point, and I got confused. Oh man, she thought I was asking her out. Its just hanging out for crying out loud.

I said, "Don't worry, I'll e-mail you about it later." She said, "Well," and she got more uncomfortable, "I have a lot of studying to do." I just laughed and said, "of course." She ran off.

I overheard a week ago she has a boyfriend of 7 years. Later during dinner I saw him and her together. I realized, I feel like the Forbidden Fruit, and yes, I did notice the pun. I am the Forbidden Fruit in that "taken" individuals seem drawn to me, and I want the Forbidden Fruit in that I want them too and/or I want what they have. I wonder--do I just want what I think I can't have?

Well, I liked her before I knew she had a long-time boyfriend. I'll still ask her for her genes.

Tonight, I thought about friends. I've eliminated many or they have just moved on--one of my bestfriends just got married. Won't be hearing from her very much now. Another, she started grad school AND she had a baby. So much for that one. Beff and I have drifted apart. It seems like there's no going back to talking w/ her again. I read my post about Ty and Dean--her version of her gay parents. I fucked that one up too.

RPG (Ralph Polo Girl--I call her that because she always wears Ralph Lauren polo shirts) is in love w/ a girl who lives across the country. She's gonna visit her soon, but she spends all her time on the phone w/ her.

So... here I am. Alone. I'm reading over my blog, and I realize. Okay, I try to make friends--I mean gay friends my age. But most guys I befriend end up "liking" me. The last one with whom I clicked and it worked over the long haul was Steroid Boi. But he's back in my home state. Crushes subside right? I mean my crush for Steroid Boi did. But the crushes that others have had on me have not seemed to subside.

I like having friends who are super smart, and at least in the same range of attractiveness as me so that they can relate and/or don't fucken freak out whenever I get hit on in front of them.

So I thought of 1L. I told him I wouldn't talk to him for 9 months. He said he didn't know if he could wait. He couldn't. I left him two voice mails. He never called me back.

It hurts but then again... He was head over heals into me. He slobbered all over me. My sister says he was emotionally dependent on me. I could've nabbed a bf for ever. But I would never have wanted him as a bf. I just wanted a friend. He was brilliant. He was emotionally aware. That was enough. But he fell for me.

My biggest pet peeve is making oneself a victim. And I will NOT do that. I want to fucken feel sorry for myself. The temptation is beyond me. But that will NEVER get me anywhere.

I talk to this other guy online. Also, brilliant and sensitive. He would have made an awesome best gay friend. He fell for me too. The exact same fucken story. It would at least be funny if I were to MAKE THIS SHIT UP. But I don't. It fucken happens.

I remember Ethan talking about this. Ethan's solution is to be superficial. He rarely gets real. But if I were to do that, then I would still be in the same place--alone.

There must be another way out of this.... There must be. I'll find it. I swear I fucken will.

Again

Went to the gym tonight. Lawyer was there, on the stairclimber. He had not mentioned that his bf was out of town, so before going up to him, I went looking for his bf, just to make sure I wasn't caught appearing to be overly nice.

The coast was clear and so I approached the climber. He looked up and looked surprised and then freaked out--two separate reactions. It was not what I was used to.

After the "Milkman" incident, he had been all smiles w/ me at the gym, and I took up the opportunity to tell him that I wasn't using him for outings or for a job. He asked me to lunch, and I gave him a rain chx b/c I'm swamped with work.

As I approached, I saw the reason for his odd reaction, his bf was right next to him, on another stair-climber. I made my move anyway. I got on next the climber next to the Lawyer.

"Hey, how are you?" I asked, with a smile. I gawked at his arms. He was looking extra-ripped today, but I dragged my eyes away to lean forward and wave to the bf, who non-chalantly waived at me too.

"Are you out of school yet?" he asked, exasperated and yet in an artificial tone.

"Huh?" I was confused.

"For Thanksgiving," he clarified. His tone seemed very formal, and he was avoiding looking at me. He was soooo different. I freaked out.

"Oh--No. Uhm... Uhm... Well... we don't get up right up until the day. Yea... Uhm... well... actually, on the contrary, everyone's stressed about exams," I said. I was incoherent b/c I realized he was really uncomfortable.

"Well, its good that you still find time to come here," he retorted. Gawd... WTF.

"Actually, I'm listening to my lectures on my headphones. I have my outlines w/me so if I hear something I didn't pick up the first time, I can jot it down," I retorted back. "But anyways, how are you... guys?" I asked.

"We're going out of town," he said abruptly.

I smiled. He didn't look at me.

"Cool," I said, and kept smiling.

He didn't look at me.

"Uhm..., where you guys off too?" I finally said.

"Our country home," he said.

"Aaah, nice," I responded. He didn't say anything. "Well, I just wanted to say hi," I said, smiled, and waived, and headed off.

WTF.

Later during my workout, his BF worked out near me. Waived at me all happy. I did the same

They finished their workouts and left.

25 minutes later I went to get another drink out of my locker. They had just finished showering. They were both buttoning their pants. His BF was facing me. He gave me a half smile and looked away. I looked down at his exposed torso. Ouch. I remember last time I saw him thinking he was no longer looking so good. I was right. That blows for him. Really. He doesn't really work. That's all he has to do.

I looked at the Lawyer who had his back towards me. FUCK--he had tanned. He looked AMAZING. His back was rippling with muscle as he fastened his pants on.

I walked quickly to avoid him seeing me.

I went to my locker. I decided to just take my entire bag with me back to the treadmill, instead of just my second drink. I ran my fingers through my hair. They were just buckling their pants. They could be done now. Heading out. Crap. Should I stall.

No. I was gonna be confident. I was going to be sexy. I blasted "Faster Kill Pussycat," and made my exit. As I walked out, how funny, he was now in the hallway as opposed to his aisle of his lockerroom--this way, there was no way we would not run into each other. As soon I walked out, he stopped or finished what he was doing and just stared at me, intensely. Its the most intense look he's ever given me.

The blue in his eyes even looked different. I think in part b/c of his tan. They looked like blue fire. Not just incandescent but actually bright and yet an extremely deep blue. I stared right back at him, and smiled, in an ultra-cocky way. He motioned as if he was about to look away, but when he saw how I smiled, he kept his eyes glued on to mine. While his eyes were intense, his mouth betrayed a sadness. I've seen this expression before. Its perhaps the most saddest expression I have ever seen.

While holding his eyes on me. He moved, so that I could walk by him without stopping. Then his bf came into view. I waived first at his bf, and then I turned and waived at him, but while I gave his bf a goofy smile and good bye, I gave him an intense and cocky smile. And so I walked out.

I don't know what happened. But I get the distinct feeling that he did not tell his bf the whole story. His bf probably thinks that I've rejected them on all fronts--first when he tried to lay me for several months, and then second, when the Lawyer might have purported to get me into a three way as well.

Beautiful--the word

Just writing my last post, I realized I'm so uncomfortable with that word--"beautiful."

I was in ex-gay camp. Yup. I was there. Mostly older dudes. But a few of us were young. A few were even hot. One of them was into me. After ex-gay camp, I remember, he said something to me that blew me away. He said, "Have you ever realized?"

"Realized what?" I asked, confused and yet suspecting a come-on.

"That you're strong and beautiful?" he said.

His words nailed my soul. He said it with a complete absence of self-consciousness. He said it with such honesty, and with a glare that penetrated my defenses.

The second time was with MG1, the dude for whom I fell in love. We were riding to an event. It was packed. We were sitting in my car, in horrific traffic. He had just suffered a huge let down. He was upset. Someone in traffic gave us a nasty look. He got upset. He cursed at them. They gave us the finger. He got more upset. So he said to them, tho they could not hear him, "What? What are you looking at? Are you angry at us? Angry that you cannot stop us? You can't. We're brilliant and we're beautiful. How can you stop that?" I was shocked, and he said it with such conviction.

Fast forward to three years later. He (MG1) and I were in bed with a really, really hot girl. I had just come out to them. I wanted to prove that he straddled the fence. We were all drunk play fighting. At one pt, I asked him, do you remember what you once said in my car, after someone gave you the finger?

The girl was intrigued. She stared at MG1 (i.e. most gorgeous one). He smiled and looked away--devilishly. He was SOOOO gorgeous. He could get away w/ anything. She was then intrigued. Oh really? she asked, what DID you say?

He laughed, put his arm around me, and said, "That we're brilliant and beautiful."

I guess it was the wrong thing to say, b/c she didn't smile. She just looked shocked and her mouth hung open. I suppose b/c its not right for someone that gorgeous to say it. Someone who is soo above mortals that it hurts if they say it. Someone who's not just "cute" "hot" or "sexy" but someone who's so attractive that its hard not to feel insecure in their presence. And of course, if they say with full confidence as opposed to tempered feigned humility.

She stammered, "You- you we- were right."

I felt weird. I didn't feel in that category. So I pushed them and we started laughing again.

When I was a Kid

I feel like I've come out for the second time. Accidently, I came out to my best friend from high school. Its brought back so many memories. He's gay. He's not just my friend since high school, but really since we were 12. He's one of the few people who really gets me. He's probably also one of the kindest and most serene persons I know.

Yesterday and today I've been obsessed w/ watching the Actor's Studio Interviews--in particular those with Halle Berry, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie...

There are so many sides of them w/ which I identify. As I hear them talk however, I can't but be taken back to when I was a kid...

I love this blog b/c I can brag without concern for how I come across...

I was a gifted lad. Artistically, intellectually, in many many different ways. One of the main issues I faced early on was how to choose. I grew up amongst angular people. We were supposed to pick a talent and exploit it so it could get us to that incredible college and then that incredible career.

Often times, I "discovered" some ability almost at random. I learned to sing over a single conversation with a friend. She was a singer and we talked about singing. I always loved vocal music, but I never thought of myself as a singer in the least. She asked me to sing. I did. She said I didn't know how to channel my air through my diaphragm. So she taught me, and suddenly I could sing w/ tremendous power. I got into all these selective singing groups and in a try out I found out I had crazy range. I could go as low as a Bass II and as a high as a tenor I. I got to travel a good bit as a result in high school. I never took voice lessons. I did know how to read music from playing piano as a kid.

I was required to pick a performing art to graduate in high school. I didn't want to be one of the very few boys in dance, and I already was in the most selective singing group, so I picked acting. I sucked. I sucked so bad. My acting teacher was a big deal. I lucked out. Movies, broadway, you name it--this woman had done, directed, or produced it. She had led theatre companies to international competitions, etc. She was super frustrated with me when I started.

My first assignment was AWFUL. Then, the teacher assigned me this character, a total religious zealot. Hahaha, totally on point. Everything changed after then.

Without knowing it at the time, I was also surrounded by an incredible group of actors. All of them went on to do amazing work. I remember sitting backstage waiting for my que, and just literally marveling at their power.

There was this one girl in particular--oh man. I had a huge crush on her. She was very angelia jolie-esque. Strong and upfront and yet somehow uber feminine and sexy. She drove me nuts. I remember for one assignment, I got paired with her to do this exercise, where we stared at each other, face to face, as close as possible without touching, for 5 minutes, and then later we had to talk about our emotional reaction. I remember that everyone must have known I had a crush on her by the end b/c well, I tried to hide it so bad, and I couldn't bull shit not saying--she's a goddess. Everyone thought so, so I think the group had mercy on me.

My work got really great reviews by the end of that semester. Our final exam was the delivery of three monologues, back to back, and all of them had to be from very distinct genres and moods. I picked a shakespearean dramatic one, a steve martin comedy one, and lastly a romantic confession. I loved those monologues. I remember when that last class was over, the girl on whom I had a crush, came right over to me. She came right up to me, and said, "Hey, Tino." Almost like a command. "Hey," I said, almost dumbfounded. She looked at me w/ a piercing gaze and said, " I *really* liked your monologues."

I must have seriously just lost it at that point. I knew I lit up like a fucken christmas tree, smiled like a puppy, and said, "REALLY?!?! Which one?!?!"

Her glare got even fiercer. I swear I can still see her expression clearly in my memory. Then she momentarily got shy and smiled in a shy way, but then resumed her fierce glare, and while raising one of her eye brows and smiling, she said, "ALL of them."

I was just stunned. Out of all the people in that class who could've given me a compliment, she was the one who could've really blown me away, and she did. I wish I could've been with her. But she was so strong, and in closet, I was so docile and quiet when the mood ever became remotely personal. She basically dated only really really butch guys.

Later in high school and in college, a few assignments or occasions here and there would require public speaking or even flat out acting (the teachers started to get creative I guess). The first time I sang in public alone after high school was for a church thing. Every month someone brought a new song and if they knew how to sing or play an instrument, they would introduce it to the congregation. I loved this song so I sang it. I got the craziest reaction. People were stunned, and I remember people not wanting to tell me what they thought of it. A few people just couldn't hold back though and just told me how beautiful they thought my voice was. I knew it was pleasant, and I knew it was powerful, but I never thought of it as beautiful. That word seems so over the top to me. You know--when people do not want to compliment you for something b/c they assume that it is so obvious that if you don't know it you cannot possibly be comfortable with it?

I made a decision to not continue in theatre. My acting teacher was bummed out and she told me. She said she had a spot for me in the company. I was shocked.

Why didn't I do it? B/c I wanted to help people, and I didn't think that was all that altruistic. I thought it was self-absorbed and self-centered. Stupid huh?

But every so often, when I hear a profound interview with a movie star, or the beautiful voice of a singer, I can't help but wonder.... what might have been?

The Milkman

Halloween was a blast. First halloween when I was really gay =)

But, I had a bone to pick before Halloween w/ the lawyer. It was the Thursday before the big day, and he was doing his morning cardio. I timed it just right, and I went up to him and asked how he was.

Fine, he said w/ a big smile, how r u?

Good. I said.

Are you guys doing anything for halloween? I asked.

No, he said, with a funny smile as he increased the intensity of the steps on the stairclimber.

Oh, I said, why not? There are so many cool parties on that night. You guys should do something.

He smiled. What are you doing? he asked.

I'm going to a ball.

Oh yea? He asked.

What are you dressing up as?

I got onto the climber next to his. We were going to have a conversation.

Well, I was thinking of being the gay version of the milkman.

He lit up. Like a christmas tree.

That's a FANTASTIC idea! He said.

I reeled back. Really? I asked, sort of confused.

Yea! I mean you have the whole metaphor of the white cream, the bottles, and even the machines!

The machines? I asked even more confused.

Well yea! You know the machines they use to milk the cows. You know, they like "suck" the cows dry! And customer service!

Oh whoa. Uhm, wow, I didn't think of all that. I just thought it was a cool juxtaposition to the 1950s image of innocence.

Well, there's that too, he said, still excited. "There are just so many places to which your mind can go with that idea. You... you should patent that," he trailed off.

I was shocked.

Uhm, wow. Yea, I suppose I had not thought of that.

He went serious suddenly. Picked up his blackberry, and then forgot I was there.

I got off the machine.

Uhm, I guess I'll see you later, I said.

He didn't even look up at me.

He seemed to be straining to not express something on his face. Like he was really embarrassed.

Yea, see you later, he said without looking at me.

Whoa, wtf?

I walked off.

What was that?

Sweeeeeeeeet

So I found elders again. That prof from my undergrad now works in the city. I just had to send him a little note saying hi and I get an invite for dinner =)

Aaaaaah.... I realize that without parents who are in my field, who are not gay, and for the most part grew up in VERY different environments than me... Well, I need mentors. My gay dad went back into corporate work, so he's super busy now.

The Lawyer, well, he's always been busy and well, things have been awkward. Though I'm determined to straighten that out. Can u tell I'm frustrated w/ that one ??? ;)

Geeky guy and I have been talking and becoming more honest over IM recently. He's becoming more comfortable w/ expressing affection towards me. I am doing the same. Its insane. I couldn't imagine if he were to actually get over his insane fits of insecurity he dives into whenever I'm around him. I hear that he can be and I can see him being an extraordinarily sweet guy. It'd be amazing to experience such a thing. But, I think its a possibility that still would require much time. He's quite insecure and I think I push those buttons of his that trigger precisely his most intense insecurities.

I heard this song and just loved it!

The line about "get what u want with your lucky eyes".... well, I just LOVE that =)

"Faster Kill Pussycat"
(feat. Brittany Murphy)

Faster kill faster still pussycat

I can't stand to see you cry,
Honey you know where the world is at,
Get what you want with your lucky eyes

You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,

Better wake up little sleepy head,
The big old world will pass us by,
So many things we could do instead,
Get what you want with your lucky eyes,

Faster kill faster still pussycat,

Those hyenas are not your friends,
Honey you know where the world is at,
Come home with me when the party ends,

You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,

Pussycat,

Pussycat,

Heaven knows I tried to let you go,
I can't help myself you know I'm out of control,
Heaven knows I tried to let you go,
I can't help myself I think I'm losing control,

You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on,
You turn me on,
You know you're turning me, you know you're turning me on

Check out the vid =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8sg77XSfqQ

Where are the elders?

I have not spoken to a person my senior in WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long. I might go bonkers if I don't soon.

the big 3-0

it was one of my good college buddy's big 3-0 birthday bash. wooooof. what a party. hot people. brilliant people. all in a swanky apartment.

the music got loud and the shots were flowing. its a mostly straight crowd. but of course, my friend tells me that his business partner is gay. his biz partner tells me he's hungry. we head to a nearby deli.

he macks on me soo hard. it's funny because tonight i was wearing the monster on my face. it happens literally every 2 years. i get some horrendous out of this world zit on some really obvious place on my face. its happened previously on my NOSE and before that on my UPPER LIP. its DISGUSTING. this week, the monster sat on my fucken cheek. That makes me wanna cry because i love my cheek bones, and now.... the monster has desecrated them.

i thought. no one will want to even talk to me tonight because of the monster. boy was i wrong. and omg was this party so fucken over qualified. my friend's sister is a doctor. she's gorgeous (no joke), young, and totally brilliant. so all these young doctors were parading around. one of them i'm pretty sure was gay, and KIND of cute--but that was enough for him to parade around with this gigantic ego. he gave me this look as if he owned me. i just gave him this totally blaze (blah-zay----i don't know how to put accents in this fucken blog software) and pivoted on one of my feet and just turned away. Ugh, egos that large... i mean, if i think your ego is big DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN, that means that your ego is of astronomical proportions. i think i over heard that he was a surgeon. big fucken whoop. been there done that.

i miss ethan. he had a long dramatic relationship with this totally uber-successful MD. it was funny b/c whenever we compared notes, we were always shocked at how alike we seemed to describe them. really bizarre. well, the upside about all these doctors at this party was that i got free botox =) i mean--that's when you know you are getting old right? when you are at a friend's fucken birthday party and you get offered free botox. well, its PREVENTATIVE =)

so, i'm at the deli and my friend's biz partner is trying to get me to go home with him. so i made up some excuse to go from the deli back to the party. contrary to the dude's desires b/c afterall he only lived two blocks away. whatever. i don't know what the fuck is wrong w/ me. I just can't make myself a slut--no matter how hard i try.

its funny though because this guy broke up with his boyfriend of 8 years this past july!

EIGHT YEARS. i told him about the couple--i.e. the Lawyer and his BF (really they aren't on my mind... no honestly... i'm insane, stupid, crazy, all the adjectives for a romantic insane person).

he smiled and he said, "I got my ex-boyfriend out of his previous relationship."

HOW OFTEN DO FUCKEN GAY GUYS PROVE TO BE HOMEWRECKERS????

is it because there are just not enough of us to go around?

well, i got to meet my friend's new girl friend and she's just so perfect for him. i just had to meet her. they're going to marry. no doubt.

so at the end of the party, me, the door man, the biz partner, and my friend all end up outside smoking. my friend and the door man were clearly high and drunk. (my friend is the type to invite the door man to the party.)

the door man starts saying that he's really bi and wants some dick. WTF. things are getting a LITTLE too out of control for me. Is this what str8 parties are like? maybe, when you are straight and live in a gay neighborhood.

so i see a cab going by and i flag it down. i give my friend a STRAIGHT GUY hug. u know where you guys "pat each other" and really barely touch each other shoulder to shoulder. i tell him happy birthday. he's now officially middle age. but as i start to move away to get into the cab, he moves his arm and hand down to my waist. he says "of fuck" and then grabs me harder, pulls me towards him and feels up the rest of my midsection. I look at him like--what the fuck is wrong with you?

side note: so, this week i finally got back to having an 8pac, and well i guess my friend felt it.

as i break free and jump into the cab he yells at me -- dude that's fucken ripped. RIPPED. i shrugged.

i love straight guys. really i do.

Complications

Wow... okay, so I've ruled out the new trouple. Turns out they've gotten all this attention on the blog-o-sphere, and suffice it to say I'm not really into being a number. I can handle private drama. I mean the Lawyer & his bf were at times dramatic. Well, the BF anyways. But they lived a totally private life. Fabulous, but still PRIVATE.

I was also a little taken aback by the fact that one of the dudes in the trouple blocked me on Manhunt. This is also the only one in the trouple that has struggled w/ sharing his significant other. That smells like drama to me, and given how much attention they've gotten, it smells like semi-public drama. Hells no... [insert here Mary J. Blige song--No More Drama].

It is funny to me how I notice that I inspire in many significant others fear. At times it sort of just takes me by surprise. I'm not used to thinking of myself as a big deal. When I fell for the Lawyer however, and I suddenly was jealous of his BF, I remember comparing myself to his bf in my head. Only at that point, did the realization that I could be a threat dawn on me. I had a better body than the BF. I had a more attractive face. I was more intelligent. I was more well-rounded.... I even had more in common with the Lawyer dude. Suddenly, I thought--SHIT, if I were the BF, I would fucken kill me.

Ironically, it was the BF who was MOST aggressive about bringing me into their sex-life. In fact, it was he who was all about jumping my bones. The other irony is that the lawyer never felt threatened. EVER. Arguably, he should have. He's about seven years older. Lost most of his hair, and he's dorky. True he has a rocking body, and if you take the time to look past his glasses, he has gorgeous eyes and a chiseled face. But still. He's not dramatic or strikingly attractive. And yet, he was NEVER EVER jealous for the BF. I could construe that as him not caring about whether he lost his BF or not, or as him being uberly secure. Given that he acted insecure around me about his body and his looks at time, perhaps he just felt that he was hot enough to keep his BF, i.e. that he was overall a good enough package that the BF would never leave him.

This brings me to my next topic.

So after my last conversation with the Lawyer, I realized they were out of town this weekend. They have a vacation home to which they escape to as often as possible, i.e. every other weekend, which is not as bad as my gay parents who leave the city EVERY weekend.

My diet has been really kicking in these past couple of weeks. I'm as lithe as can be. Given that I've also decided to dedicate myself to my pecs again, I look quite 3D.

I was stretching my ass out at the gym last night (literally). When the Lawyer walks up next to me, about 3 yards away from me. He looks right at me, stops, and waves. I wasn't expecting to see him. He was supposed to be out of town. So he caught me by surprise.

I burst into a HUGE grin. I so miss him. I miss him SO much. It is really pathetic. His warmth. His care for me. His gentleness and yet his understated intellectual power and physical strength. Gawd--what I wouldn't give for someone like him.

I want him to bang me so bad.

He stopped. He smiled big at me too. He hesitated. Leaned towards me, and then stopped. Then he turned and walked away, towards the weights. I figured that his BF must be here. And... I was right.

It's the first appearance the BF has made since the dramatic dinner. The Lawyer started pushing some weights around, and the BF was putting in a strenuous workout.

He didn't look good today. The BF that is. I suddenly had this critical approach to him. He was doing a cable pull down when I had to go by him.

I honestly felt happy to see him. It makes no sense does it?

I mean, when he's a bitch he's a bitch. But when he's happy and with the Lawyer, seriously, they are like the cutest odd-ball couple in the whole world.

I could NOT but burst into a huge smile when I saw him too. He did the same and waived at me profusely like a school girl. It was soooo gay and yet so cute. But last time this happened, he didn't want to talk with me. The worst is to want to have a conversation with someone and then have that person not want to talk to you.

As I passed the BF, his shirt rode up, and I could see that his stomach was pudgy. Ooooh I thought to myself. This guy is not a muscular dude. His selling pt is that he is ultra ripped. But now he is not??? Ouch. I'm an asshole. Seriously. WTF is wrong w/ me?

I could feel the Lawyer's eyes on me. I knew that this was the first time since I told him I had really fallen for him that all 3 of us were in the same room. And yes. He was looking right at us. I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me wince.

So I just went on to do my stupid squats. As I got ready to squat on my ass, I noticed that my hair was cooperating with me. I might actually look good tonight I thought. I'm trying out this new sunless bronzer thing too, and it also seemed to be working for me.

I blasted the music on my ipod. I just didn't want to be in this awkward position. I wanted him so badly. I could have walked right over there and just proceeded to do scandalous things to him.

He was not far from where I was doing squats. I was doing them deep too, and with lots of weight.

I caught him staring at me several times. But he was quick to look away. He probably caught me on a couple of occasions too.

About 1/2 way thru my squats, the BF went over to the Lawyer. The BF was smiling a lot, in a devilish way, and using a lot of hand motions in whatever he was saying to him. As the BF was telling stuff to the Lawyer, the Lawyer also smiled in a devilish way, and shot me a glare. In an odd way, the Lawyer seemed nervous, despite his devilish smile. It was something about his posture that gave it away to me. When he gets nervous he hunches over in this particular way.

I was seeing all this thru my peripheral vision, so I did not have to react to him. The Lawyer said some stuff and then the BF walked away to the lockerroom and didn't say good bye to me.

I saw the Lawyer check me out a couple of times. He awkwardly walked around the gym. Then he pretended to look for his BF, in a way that seemed kind of overly dramatized--i.e. sticking his head out as if to look for his BF, when all he needed to do in the damn fucken gymwas to scan the place. Plus, it was obvious from his conversation with his BF that he must have known that the BF proceeded directly to the locker room. After he was done "looking", the Lawyer walked towards the lockerroom.

What were they talking about?

Well, the logical and sane interpretation is that they were discussing their dinner plans for a wonderful Saturday evening. Probably figuring out which awesome restaurant they were going to sample that night.

The fun and dramatic interpretation was that the BF was saying that they should bring me home tonight. The Lawyer probably wanted to as well, but felt somewhat conflicted given my confession of affection for him alone. He probably knew that if he allowed the BF to make the approach, I would be placed in an unusually and horrifically awkward position. He might have told the BF, okay, we'll ask him, but let me do the talking. In doing so, perhaps the Lawyer sought to insulate me. He would give an excuse to the BF that would make sense--e.g. he said he has a bunch of homework to do this weekend and he's totally exhausted, or he has a date already for tonight. In this way, I would be spared an awkward moment (as would the Lawyer), and I would save face with the BF.

Would I have fucked both of them just so that I could have fucked the Lawyer?

Hell yea. But damn. It would have been so painful. It would have torn my soul asunder even as my flesh delighted in the act. It would have also been horrifically obvious to the BF. I would not have been able to treat them equally in bed.

It was a perfect evening for it though. All 3 of us were there at the gym on a late Saturday night. Obviously none of us had any real plans.

As I read about this other trouple that I have written off, I thought--Damn, it would be perfect w/ me, the Lawyer, and the BF. Could I pull it off? Would the BF not freak out? Could I assure him that as much as I, *gulp* love the Lawyer, I could never honestly say that I would be at his side into his elderly years? Could he buy that as an assurance that I would not try and steal his man?

It is worth a try. Now to see if my fucken brain can conjure up, i.e. engineer the whole thing.

the Sexiest thing

How does the sexiest thing happen to me and yet I have no one at the moment with whom to share it???

Well, as you might have imagined from my past few posts regarding the Lawyer and his boyfriend, and you might have even been perceptive enough to pick on it during my posts about my gay parents--I have this thing for group love ;)

My gay dad, when I asked him, said that he and his husband thought that sex could just be sex and that it need not have any bearing on a relationship. So, IN THEORY, they were open-minded. In reality, they definitely lusted after many, but IN PRACTICE, they were super monogamous. I still remember when I told them about the Lawyer and his bf, one of them leaned over the other and put his arm around him. Then that one literally scolded at me. Guess they weren't as open-minded as I thought.

Then there was the Lawyer and his Boyfriend. Both wanted me physically; for quite a long time in fact (almost a year). Yet, when there seemed to be an emotional / personal-based attraction between me and the Lawyer, the Boyfriend completely changed. No more invitations from them.

Well--of course, in completion of this trend, I've been getting invites from this other couple. Yes--they both go to my gym (how does that always happen?), and yes, they are both on Manhunt. One is my height--so normal, about 5'11 give or take a 1/2 inch. But the other, he's a GIANT (in fact, I'll call him that). He's 6'6"! They are both super-ripped. They've been approaching me for a while. Recently, I noticed that the shorter one (I'll call him Runner, because he looks to have a marathon runner's body), blocked me on Manhunt (i.e. MH).

Giant however has recently approached me twice now on-line, a persistent fellow. So I mentioned that I cannot see his boyfriend's profile. So he gave me the link to another site with their info.

Whoa--I was in for quite a ride. Turns out they are not a couple--they are a TROUPLE! Holy smokes. This is what I've been reading about and what I've been dying to try out!

Their profiles have videos of them--which are fucken amazing. Not of them fucking, but of them just living life a three-some loving group. I followed a few more links, and as it turns out, they are somewhat of celebrities in my city. Kind of a big deal. There's a good bit written about them from multiple types of sources.

I do not know whether anything will come of Giant's invitations. I have experienced just how complex the dynamics in a multi-member encounter can become.

But if something does, this episode will most definitely be one to remember =)

New Roommate--Stunner

So I moved... and I have two new roommies. They are both very cool. Out of towners like myself. Both law school students, but.... and of course, here is the vain part of the blog. One is a stunner, i.e. could be a model if he went anorexic, and the other, is that affable guy who's just nice. Both are totally straight.

The Stunner, which I'll call him as such from now on, is well... super confident, just shy of being cocky, no, he's cocky, but also very nice. He's totally un-self-conscious. That's what makes his cockiness be more so confidence. Of course, he's uberly accomplished, I mean really--international prizes, athletic feats, a rigorous academic background, the whole 9 yards.

We met and all, enough for me to get the go ahead to move in. But we had not really broken the ice when I first moved in. Both knew I was gay when I moved in, but I assume they did not care. We are after all uber busy. Oh--they are both first years.

The first real conversation Stunner and I had quickly turned into a debate about the merits of the globalization of IP law. HAHAHA. We're both so competitive. I managed to slam him a couple of times, but of course, in all cockiness I did so in an understated way.

He's been nice, but mostly aloof since then. He did thank me for the sources to which I alerted him during our little debate/sparring match. He thanked me with a devilish grin on his face, as if to say, I enjoy the push back.

I'm cautious around him because I have this stereotype that all hot straight guys assume that gay guys are going to be into them. It bugs the shit out of me. To me that stereotype is born of a feeling of superiority.

Instead, I prefer to believe that straight guys secretly want to be like us gays. To be able to have men as our significant others, such that if we chose, we could live totally masculine lives... we could befriend guy guys and date them as well. If we chose, our best friend could be our best fuck as well. What an envy--to have all of that in one.

Well, here's the funny part. Soon after, Stunner asked me for some fashion advice. Haha, right? So I told him I'd send him some links so that he could educate himself. He did. He thanked me and then asked if I was on Facebook.

I'm impossible to locate on facebook since I'm invisible to everyone except those on my friends list. So I friended him.

Tonight, bored and alone, I decided to peruse his profile. Quite a profile. He's lived on every major continent. His international projects have taken him everywhere. The one aspect of him that's consistent with an unself-conscious hot guy is that he does have an abundance of pictures of himself. Let's face it. The kid cannot photograph poorly. As such, his voluminous albums trek back all the way to high school.

There are two consistent themes that I notice. He's very intense. Basically none of his pics are relaxed. He's always on the go or in the midst of some intense emotion--usually excitement or pure foolery, but its never 1/2 way. Second, he has no girlfriend in any of his pictures, and instead he's constantly portraying himself as an eligible bachelor in various pictures--wooing some imaginary girl or set of women, or construing a platonic picture as a funny moment pregnant with sexual tension.

How can that be? A totally gorgeous guy who's incredibly accomplished and seemingly emotionally sane without a better half?

Has the world gone mad?

Might I NOT be crazy?

Do these things really happen?

What is this, some sort of curse?

Honestly, why is he single????

Boring

Tonight has to be the most boring night of my life. I so want to just hang out with folks. I did go to fro yo with a couple of friends. Then to dinner with one of them. Then grocery shopping with another.

But you know what?

I don't talk about what's really on my mind with people.

There's so much there. So much to tell in order for someone to "get."

Who would have such patience to hear it all?

Isn't that why folks have significant others?

Maybe I should get some dumb boyfriend who would actually put up with me talking about everything... including other guys.

the Ugly

Well, I got a phone call from my Career Office. Looks like I may have an offer. The firm wanted to know that if they did extend an offer whether I would take it. Generally that's a good sign.

In this horrific economy however, that's incredible news. About half of my classmates have yet to get any call backs. At this stage in the process, a lack of callbacks nails the coffin shut. I got my first rejection from a call back last week. So I welcome this news with great joy.

I saw the lawyer two nights ago at the gym. I startled him. I guess he didn't expect me to say hi. We had a long conversation just catching up. It wasn't deep or personal. It was mostly perfunctory. How's work? How's school? How's the boyfriend?

But then there was one subject he wanted to bring up, but he literally could not think of it. He grabbed the handle of the treadmill. Buckled over and put his chin on the treadmill's handle in desperation, trying to remember this little term.

Ooooh, he finally said, after his long struggle. How's this recruiting season going?

Aaaaaah, now why would he have such a reaction?

It blows, I said. I had several call backs. I feel lucky to have had any at all. I'm still waiting to hear back from many places.

He said that his firm was cutting back severely. Unbeknownst to him, I know someone else at his firm who has been feeding me the inside scoop on their hiring committees comings and goings. My insider has told me precise numbers on incoming attorneys they are expecting (too many for this market), and the status of stealth layoffs.

So I peppered in this knowledge into our conversation. OH, I've heard, I said. Yes, a lot of firms are overloaded in ways they didn't expect. His eyes widened and almost bulged as if pregnant with information.

The legal market is contracting severely, he said. There are too many associates, counsels, partners--too many of everything, he said.

Well, if worst comes to worst, I said, with genuine pain, I could just go back to my old firm.

He regards my firm quite highly so it was probably the best retort I could come up with.

The convo went on for a while. But this issue of the firm and the recruting really made me think. Its the only thing he's ever been an asshole about, and it was only once. For the most part, he's been unbelievably great about it. And the asshole part as been recent. I haven't written about it here, although I probably will now.

It all boiled down to this after ages of thinking about it...

He's insecure about his age, his body, his looks, his people skills, in effect his stereotypically "boring" personality.

He chose an area of law that is essentially bullet proof to recessions. He will never want for a job. However, his area of law is also renowned for it geekiness and again... essentially, lack of sexiness. The only thing he can feel truly confident about around me is his job status and security. He went to a top3 law school and he's at a great firm. He's partner, and he's never getting fired. He's a millionaire and no one will take that away.

So... given that he's likely only confident about that aspect of himself... I kept thinking.

When folks are only secure about one aspect of themselves and its not their personality, they generally suspect people who are into them just want that one thing--that they are being used.

This happens often w/ older men who date younger men. Or hot men who date not-so hot men. Or rich men who don't date other rich men.

So in this case, after analyzing why he acted like an asshole at the last lunch we had, why he's always been incredible about every thing all the time, with this one exception, and given that he couldn't remember this one word, despite his steel trap photographic memory, I realize--he thinks I've been trying to use him.

Now I have to counter.

Dreaming of the Lawyer

I write this post in conflict with myself. A part of me wants to write it and another does not.

I had a dream last night. I was at my firm. I e-mailed the lawyer and we ere to meet for a late lunch or early dinner. It was twilight.

We had lunch and we had a really good time. Actually a great time. He walked me back to my office. Only in a dream would I take the stairs, because my office this summer was over 20 floors up. But I would on occasion take the elevator just prior to my floor and then take the stairs. I took that route whenever I wanted to avoid being seen in the elevator bay.

The lawyer walked me there--to the stairs. On our way to the stairs, I put my around the small of his back. He looked at me at first with a look that said, "What are you doing?" But then he quickly realized he enjoyed it, gave me a look of satisfaction and kept walking with me towards the stairs.

He opened the door to the stairs, and he came inside with me. As soon as I heard the door shut, and I knew we were alone, instead of letting him go, I moved my arm up his back and pulled him towards me. I pivoted my head up. Again, he looked a bit surprised, and gave me a look of, "What are you doing?" But at the same time he had a smile on his face.

I said, "I've been wanting to do this for a long time now." And then we kissed. It felt incredible, and it felt awesome to hold him in my arms.

That dream ended and a new one begun.

The Lawyer and I were to meet for lunch at a park near our offices. We had lunch at a picnic table. Again, we had a great time and we smiled at each other often. I love seeing him hunched over with a smile on his face. He has done this often around me. It gives him the semblance a vulnerable young kid despite the fact that he's quite tall, in fact several inches taller than me. In part I think he hunches over so that he can look me directly in the eyes.

As we finished lunch, we noticed that some people were playing ultimate frisbee. As we got up, someone asked us if we wanted to play. We both realized it would be odd to do so in our business clothes, but we shrugged and said, why not, just a couple of quick plays. We told them we wouldn't be able to finish the game.

We joined opposite teams. The frisbee came towards me from far off. The lawyer was running after the frisbee and it came straight towards me. I jumped up to catch and I caught it. But before I could move with it, he, the Lawyer, jumped at me, put his arms around my torso, and made us both fall down.

I was on my back and was on top of me. I was confused. There was no need for him to have done that. I was not hurt at all. But when I was on the ground, I looked up at him with a funny smile, as if asking him, "Now why did you do this for?"

In that same moment I realized that he was lying on top of me. And I loved it. I loved feeling his long muscled and hard body eclipsing my own.

But almost immediately I realized he started looking towards my hips. I was confused. Why was he not looking at my face?

He tightened his grip with his arms around my torso, and then he started to buck up and down. When I looked down at our hips to see what he was looking at, semen splashed all over my face. He was orgasming and he came really, really hard. Somehow his zipper had come undone and his cock was poking thru his pants fully erect. His cock spurted out enormous amounts of semen that covered my face and torso. At first I was surprised, and then angry that I was all soiled. But then he looked at me, with this look on his face, and he said, "I'm sorry," with a shy smile on his face." He shrugged his shoulders like a kid who had gotten caught red-handed, and he said, "I just couldn't help it."

Then I laughed, and I thought to myself, I wanted that so badly. I wanted to feel him on top of me. I wanted to see him come while on top of me. I wanted to see him lose control b/c of me.

Then the dream ended.

Crap. I thought I was over him.

Str8 Acting

It's hard for me to find women attractive. Really. It is just that their physicality seems more involved than that of men. But still every so often, I see one that is just stunning.

In fact, one of the hottest girls I've ever met is in one of my courses. She's an LLM student from Europe. Holy crap--her features are UNREAL. She's chiseled to perfection, has the most amazing lips, cheeks, and eyes EVER--and the sexiest accent!

Of course she's brilliant too. One day I asked her what language she spoke. I couldn't tell based on her accent. Turns out I speak her native language. I told her how financial terms in other languages can vary so widely. So I started asking her about bankruptcy lexicon in her country. She knew the terms but didn't know why they varied from country to country.

She was soooo sweeet. In fact, she seemed a little enthusiastic. The next class I didn't talk to her and I was in a rush so I didn't even acknowledge her. I'm an a-hole I know. Today, I said hi in her language and started small talk. After a lull, she said that she followed up on my bankruptcy questions and then began to give me the history in various countries of bankruptcy law and how it determined the idioms that became the official vernacular. She's a genius and driven.

Class then started and I thanked her.

Class ends. She sticks around. Everyone leaves except for three of us. I'm sending out an e-mail and shutting down my computer. She sits one seat over from me. I do small talk again. "Geeez, I was so tired I didn't know if I'd stay awake thru the entire class." She smiled really big. That grabbed my attention.

She started to put her bag over her shoulder, and to stand up, but kept smiling at me as she grabbed her stuff. "Let me know if you ever need any more help with more terms," she said as she made her way towards the door. As she was walking, her eyes never left me. When she got to the door, she was still looking at me, and she didn't open the door. She just stood there smiling at me.

Oh my gawd.... My mind fumbled for words.

"Uhmmm.... wow, thanks. Uhmmmmm..... I really appreciate that. I kinda do have a lot to learn...."

Crap! Why did I say that!?

Her eyes seemed to twinkle as she kept smiling and very slowly nodded. She still was not opening the door. WHY WAS SHE NOT OPENING THE DOOR.

I started fumbling again...

"Uhmm.... I'll probably shoot you..... an e-mail about it," I finally finished.

Her smile widened even more, and as she finally began to push the bar of the door open, she said, "Great!" and then, in a very matter-of-fact sort of way, she said, "I'll see you later."

Holy (*&@! How does this happen???

I need to start wearing glittering t-shirts that say in big letters--HOMOSEXUAL!

Omg - MG1

Oh my gawd... I just had dinner with the Most Gorgeous One (MG1), the guy with whom I fell in love in college. He just randomly called me up because he was in the city. The first time he ever came to the big city was with me, and just to be cheesy, we met at the same spot.

It's been quite a saga. It's so long and there can be so many details, and he means so much to me that its hard to put it all onto a blog. Here's the fast version.

We met as undergrads. We had a love at first sight moment--where u bump into someone and the two of u remain transfixed for like 10+ seconds before you realize that you have not spoken. The image of his face and his incredible eyes opening to their limits as he just stared into what seemed like my soul.

We very quickly became friends. He was and has been quite possibly the hottest guy I have ever met--facially. Nothing on his face proves superfluous. Everything is striking and articulated. Its incredible.

He's not out to himself. He came onto me during the first year that we knew each other. I loved him very early on such that I did not want to have sex with him until the sex would prove meaningful. So I did and have refrained--although we have engaged in caressing. I later found out that he faked being drunk on more than one occasion just because he wanted to sleep in my bed.

He knows I know. It's almost as obvious as spots on a kid with chicken pox. Our conversations usually consist of few words. The words we use communicate volumes and yet we know precisely what we mean. Its incredible.

I told him I loved him. He has said as much to me as well in the context of an "off-handed comment" but with the tone of "I mean it." Yet, I have no doubt that he does love me.

He taught me how to love when I decided to love him unconditionally--whether or not we would ever be a couple. I then knew what it meant to love without limit.

He's perhaps the only person I know who's soul and face coincide in beauty. Seeing him for who he is -- is like peering into a star floating in the darkest of space. One could never bore because its radiance has so many colors.

He's the type who always requires a relationship. He has previously told me how long he'll keep a girlfriend and then when the time expires, she gets dumped. The girls always push him away at first--incredulous that someone so gorgeous would commit to them.

All the girls know what is up, usually within moments of him introducing me to them. Then they hate me in a way I have rarely experienced. They deny what they know and instead cling harder. Then they shout what they know when he dumps them of course.

His family is like a cult, and they have ordained him the successor. He believes in their dogma hook-line and sinker. As beautiful as he is--he was not blessed with strength. He is delicate instead. He stands no chance before his family. He knows quite well the consequences of his beauty. None can compete with the security of his kin.

I proved to him that I loved him beyond his facade. He drew closer to me as a friend and in doing so has surprised me throughout the years.

He got engaged and they picked out a church. He was catatonic when I, by accident, bumped into him and the soon-to-be misses for the first time. This summer was quite a time. He broke off his engagement and his family has decided to move to my part of the city.

We sat in the leather booth of a lowly-lit restaurant. Everything in the room was a shade of brown. Just before our entres arrived, they switched to candle-light.

We had much about which to talk. But in the midst of all that, he stopped the conversation, with, "But to get back to the big picture. I want to do a toast."

I was silent and just looked at him with curiosity and expectation as he raised his glass. He said, "I'm really really glad you're here."

I could only smile ever so slightly because I was in disbelief that anyone could be so sweet. I looked at him back with light yet piercing intensity, raised my glass to his, and said, "I'm really really glad you're here."