the Ugly

Well, I got a phone call from my Career Office. Looks like I may have an offer. The firm wanted to know that if they did extend an offer whether I would take it. Generally that's a good sign.

In this horrific economy however, that's incredible news. About half of my classmates have yet to get any call backs. At this stage in the process, a lack of callbacks nails the coffin shut. I got my first rejection from a call back last week. So I welcome this news with great joy.

I saw the lawyer two nights ago at the gym. I startled him. I guess he didn't expect me to say hi. We had a long conversation just catching up. It wasn't deep or personal. It was mostly perfunctory. How's work? How's school? How's the boyfriend?

But then there was one subject he wanted to bring up, but he literally could not think of it. He grabbed the handle of the treadmill. Buckled over and put his chin on the treadmill's handle in desperation, trying to remember this little term.

Ooooh, he finally said, after his long struggle. How's this recruiting season going?

Aaaaaah, now why would he have such a reaction?

It blows, I said. I had several call backs. I feel lucky to have had any at all. I'm still waiting to hear back from many places.

He said that his firm was cutting back severely. Unbeknownst to him, I know someone else at his firm who has been feeding me the inside scoop on their hiring committees comings and goings. My insider has told me precise numbers on incoming attorneys they are expecting (too many for this market), and the status of stealth layoffs.

So I peppered in this knowledge into our conversation. OH, I've heard, I said. Yes, a lot of firms are overloaded in ways they didn't expect. His eyes widened and almost bulged as if pregnant with information.

The legal market is contracting severely, he said. There are too many associates, counsels, partners--too many of everything, he said.

Well, if worst comes to worst, I said, with genuine pain, I could just go back to my old firm.

He regards my firm quite highly so it was probably the best retort I could come up with.

The convo went on for a while. But this issue of the firm and the recruting really made me think. Its the only thing he's ever been an asshole about, and it was only once. For the most part, he's been unbelievably great about it. And the asshole part as been recent. I haven't written about it here, although I probably will now.

It all boiled down to this after ages of thinking about it...

He's insecure about his age, his body, his looks, his people skills, in effect his stereotypically "boring" personality.

He chose an area of law that is essentially bullet proof to recessions. He will never want for a job. However, his area of law is also renowned for it geekiness and again... essentially, lack of sexiness. The only thing he can feel truly confident about around me is his job status and security. He went to a top3 law school and he's at a great firm. He's partner, and he's never getting fired. He's a millionaire and no one will take that away.

So... given that he's likely only confident about that aspect of himself... I kept thinking.

When folks are only secure about one aspect of themselves and its not their personality, they generally suspect people who are into them just want that one thing--that they are being used.

This happens often w/ older men who date younger men. Or hot men who date not-so hot men. Or rich men who don't date other rich men.

So in this case, after analyzing why he acted like an asshole at the last lunch we had, why he's always been incredible about every thing all the time, with this one exception, and given that he couldn't remember this one word, despite his steel trap photographic memory, I realize--he thinks I've been trying to use him.

Now I have to counter.