the big 3-0

it was one of my good college buddy's big 3-0 birthday bash. wooooof. what a party. hot people. brilliant people. all in a swanky apartment.

the music got loud and the shots were flowing. its a mostly straight crowd. but of course, my friend tells me that his business partner is gay. his biz partner tells me he's hungry. we head to a nearby deli.

he macks on me soo hard. it's funny because tonight i was wearing the monster on my face. it happens literally every 2 years. i get some horrendous out of this world zit on some really obvious place on my face. its happened previously on my NOSE and before that on my UPPER LIP. its DISGUSTING. this week, the monster sat on my fucken cheek. That makes me wanna cry because i love my cheek bones, and now.... the monster has desecrated them.

i thought. no one will want to even talk to me tonight because of the monster. boy was i wrong. and omg was this party so fucken over qualified. my friend's sister is a doctor. she's gorgeous (no joke), young, and totally brilliant. so all these young doctors were parading around. one of them i'm pretty sure was gay, and KIND of cute--but that was enough for him to parade around with this gigantic ego. he gave me this look as if he owned me. i just gave him this totally blaze (blah-zay----i don't know how to put accents in this fucken blog software) and pivoted on one of my feet and just turned away. Ugh, egos that large... i mean, if i think your ego is big DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN, that means that your ego is of astronomical proportions. i think i over heard that he was a surgeon. big fucken whoop. been there done that.

i miss ethan. he had a long dramatic relationship with this totally uber-successful MD. it was funny b/c whenever we compared notes, we were always shocked at how alike we seemed to describe them. really bizarre. well, the upside about all these doctors at this party was that i got free botox =) i mean--that's when you know you are getting old right? when you are at a friend's fucken birthday party and you get offered free botox. well, its PREVENTATIVE =)

so, i'm at the deli and my friend's biz partner is trying to get me to go home with him. so i made up some excuse to go from the deli back to the party. contrary to the dude's desires b/c afterall he only lived two blocks away. whatever. i don't know what the fuck is wrong w/ me. I just can't make myself a slut--no matter how hard i try.

its funny though because this guy broke up with his boyfriend of 8 years this past july!

EIGHT YEARS. i told him about the couple--i.e. the Lawyer and his BF (really they aren't on my mind... no honestly... i'm insane, stupid, crazy, all the adjectives for a romantic insane person).

he smiled and he said, "I got my ex-boyfriend out of his previous relationship."

HOW OFTEN DO FUCKEN GAY GUYS PROVE TO BE HOMEWRECKERS????

is it because there are just not enough of us to go around?

well, i got to meet my friend's new girl friend and she's just so perfect for him. i just had to meet her. they're going to marry. no doubt.

so at the end of the party, me, the door man, the biz partner, and my friend all end up outside smoking. my friend and the door man were clearly high and drunk. (my friend is the type to invite the door man to the party.)

the door man starts saying that he's really bi and wants some dick. WTF. things are getting a LITTLE too out of control for me. Is this what str8 parties are like? maybe, when you are straight and live in a gay neighborhood.

so i see a cab going by and i flag it down. i give my friend a STRAIGHT GUY hug. u know where you guys "pat each other" and really barely touch each other shoulder to shoulder. i tell him happy birthday. he's now officially middle age. but as i start to move away to get into the cab, he moves his arm and hand down to my waist. he says "of fuck" and then grabs me harder, pulls me towards him and feels up the rest of my midsection. I look at him like--what the fuck is wrong with you?

side note: so, this week i finally got back to having an 8pac, and well i guess my friend felt it.

as i break free and jump into the cab he yells at me -- dude that's fucken ripped. RIPPED. i shrugged.

i love straight guys. really i do.