Forbidden Fruit w/o a Buddy

I read over some of my posts. I'm alone tonight. My gay parents didn't call me. My sister had issues w/ me. She still wanted to come. I was a bit suspicious of her motives but I let her come anyway. We had a good time.

My school has a dinner every year for international students and for just anyone who's hanging around. It was crowded. My sister and I nabbed the only 2 available seats we could find. Ironically, it put me right in the line of vision of that super hot girl I've been flirting with all semester long. She got super excited when she saw me and came right over and gave me a big hug. I introduced her to my sister and then I mentioned that we should hang out during this break. She got super weird at that point, and I got confused. Oh man, she thought I was asking her out. Its just hanging out for crying out loud.

I said, "Don't worry, I'll e-mail you about it later." She said, "Well," and she got more uncomfortable, "I have a lot of studying to do." I just laughed and said, "of course." She ran off.

I overheard a week ago she has a boyfriend of 7 years. Later during dinner I saw him and her together. I realized, I feel like the Forbidden Fruit, and yes, I did notice the pun. I am the Forbidden Fruit in that "taken" individuals seem drawn to me, and I want the Forbidden Fruit in that I want them too and/or I want what they have. I wonder--do I just want what I think I can't have?

Well, I liked her before I knew she had a long-time boyfriend. I'll still ask her for her genes.

Tonight, I thought about friends. I've eliminated many or they have just moved on--one of my bestfriends just got married. Won't be hearing from her very much now. Another, she started grad school AND she had a baby. So much for that one. Beff and I have drifted apart. It seems like there's no going back to talking w/ her again. I read my post about Ty and Dean--her version of her gay parents. I fucked that one up too.

RPG (Ralph Polo Girl--I call her that because she always wears Ralph Lauren polo shirts) is in love w/ a girl who lives across the country. She's gonna visit her soon, but she spends all her time on the phone w/ her.

So... here I am. Alone. I'm reading over my blog, and I realize. Okay, I try to make friends--I mean gay friends my age. But most guys I befriend end up "liking" me. The last one with whom I clicked and it worked over the long haul was Steroid Boi. But he's back in my home state. Crushes subside right? I mean my crush for Steroid Boi did. But the crushes that others have had on me have not seemed to subside.

I like having friends who are super smart, and at least in the same range of attractiveness as me so that they can relate and/or don't fucken freak out whenever I get hit on in front of them.

So I thought of 1L. I told him I wouldn't talk to him for 9 months. He said he didn't know if he could wait. He couldn't. I left him two voice mails. He never called me back.

It hurts but then again... He was head over heals into me. He slobbered all over me. My sister says he was emotionally dependent on me. I could've nabbed a bf for ever. But I would never have wanted him as a bf. I just wanted a friend. He was brilliant. He was emotionally aware. That was enough. But he fell for me.

My biggest pet peeve is making oneself a victim. And I will NOT do that. I want to fucken feel sorry for myself. The temptation is beyond me. But that will NEVER get me anywhere.

I talk to this other guy online. Also, brilliant and sensitive. He would have made an awesome best gay friend. He fell for me too. The exact same fucken story. It would at least be funny if I were to MAKE THIS SHIT UP. But I don't. It fucken happens.

I remember Ethan talking about this. Ethan's solution is to be superficial. He rarely gets real. But if I were to do that, then I would still be in the same place--alone.

There must be another way out of this.... There must be. I'll find it. I swear I fucken will.