Beautiful--the word

Just writing my last post, I realized I'm so uncomfortable with that word--"beautiful."

I was in ex-gay camp. Yup. I was there. Mostly older dudes. But a few of us were young. A few were even hot. One of them was into me. After ex-gay camp, I remember, he said something to me that blew me away. He said, "Have you ever realized?"

"Realized what?" I asked, confused and yet suspecting a come-on.

"That you're strong and beautiful?" he said.

His words nailed my soul. He said it with a complete absence of self-consciousness. He said it with such honesty, and with a glare that penetrated my defenses.

The second time was with MG1, the dude for whom I fell in love. We were riding to an event. It was packed. We were sitting in my car, in horrific traffic. He had just suffered a huge let down. He was upset. Someone in traffic gave us a nasty look. He got upset. He cursed at them. They gave us the finger. He got more upset. So he said to them, tho they could not hear him, "What? What are you looking at? Are you angry at us? Angry that you cannot stop us? You can't. We're brilliant and we're beautiful. How can you stop that?" I was shocked, and he said it with such conviction.

Fast forward to three years later. He (MG1) and I were in bed with a really, really hot girl. I had just come out to them. I wanted to prove that he straddled the fence. We were all drunk play fighting. At one pt, I asked him, do you remember what you once said in my car, after someone gave you the finger?

The girl was intrigued. She stared at MG1 (i.e. most gorgeous one). He smiled and looked away--devilishly. He was SOOOO gorgeous. He could get away w/ anything. She was then intrigued. Oh really? she asked, what DID you say?

He laughed, put his arm around me, and said, "That we're brilliant and beautiful."

I guess it was the wrong thing to say, b/c she didn't smile. She just looked shocked and her mouth hung open. I suppose b/c its not right for someone that gorgeous to say it. Someone who is soo above mortals that it hurts if they say it. Someone who's not just "cute" "hot" or "sexy" but someone who's so attractive that its hard not to feel insecure in their presence. And of course, if they say with full confidence as opposed to tempered feigned humility.

She stammered, "You- you we- were right."

I felt weird. I didn't feel in that category. So I pushed them and we started laughing again.