When I was a Kid

I feel like I've come out for the second time. Accidently, I came out to my best friend from high school. Its brought back so many memories. He's gay. He's not just my friend since high school, but really since we were 12. He's one of the few people who really gets me. He's probably also one of the kindest and most serene persons I know.

Yesterday and today I've been obsessed w/ watching the Actor's Studio Interviews--in particular those with Halle Berry, Johnny Depp, and Angelina Jolie...

There are so many sides of them w/ which I identify. As I hear them talk however, I can't but be taken back to when I was a kid...

I love this blog b/c I can brag without concern for how I come across...

I was a gifted lad. Artistically, intellectually, in many many different ways. One of the main issues I faced early on was how to choose. I grew up amongst angular people. We were supposed to pick a talent and exploit it so it could get us to that incredible college and then that incredible career.

Often times, I "discovered" some ability almost at random. I learned to sing over a single conversation with a friend. She was a singer and we talked about singing. I always loved vocal music, but I never thought of myself as a singer in the least. She asked me to sing. I did. She said I didn't know how to channel my air through my diaphragm. So she taught me, and suddenly I could sing w/ tremendous power. I got into all these selective singing groups and in a try out I found out I had crazy range. I could go as low as a Bass II and as a high as a tenor I. I got to travel a good bit as a result in high school. I never took voice lessons. I did know how to read music from playing piano as a kid.

I was required to pick a performing art to graduate in high school. I didn't want to be one of the very few boys in dance, and I already was in the most selective singing group, so I picked acting. I sucked. I sucked so bad. My acting teacher was a big deal. I lucked out. Movies, broadway, you name it--this woman had done, directed, or produced it. She had led theatre companies to international competitions, etc. She was super frustrated with me when I started.

My first assignment was AWFUL. Then, the teacher assigned me this character, a total religious zealot. Hahaha, totally on point. Everything changed after then.

Without knowing it at the time, I was also surrounded by an incredible group of actors. All of them went on to do amazing work. I remember sitting backstage waiting for my que, and just literally marveling at their power.

There was this one girl in particular--oh man. I had a huge crush on her. She was very angelia jolie-esque. Strong and upfront and yet somehow uber feminine and sexy. She drove me nuts. I remember for one assignment, I got paired with her to do this exercise, where we stared at each other, face to face, as close as possible without touching, for 5 minutes, and then later we had to talk about our emotional reaction. I remember that everyone must have known I had a crush on her by the end b/c well, I tried to hide it so bad, and I couldn't bull shit not saying--she's a goddess. Everyone thought so, so I think the group had mercy on me.

My work got really great reviews by the end of that semester. Our final exam was the delivery of three monologues, back to back, and all of them had to be from very distinct genres and moods. I picked a shakespearean dramatic one, a steve martin comedy one, and lastly a romantic confession. I loved those monologues. I remember when that last class was over, the girl on whom I had a crush, came right over to me. She came right up to me, and said, "Hey, Tino." Almost like a command. "Hey," I said, almost dumbfounded. She looked at me w/ a piercing gaze and said, " I *really* liked your monologues."

I must have seriously just lost it at that point. I knew I lit up like a fucken christmas tree, smiled like a puppy, and said, "REALLY?!?! Which one?!?!"

Her glare got even fiercer. I swear I can still see her expression clearly in my memory. Then she momentarily got shy and smiled in a shy way, but then resumed her fierce glare, and while raising one of her eye brows and smiling, she said, "ALL of them."

I was just stunned. Out of all the people in that class who could've given me a compliment, she was the one who could've really blown me away, and she did. I wish I could've been with her. But she was so strong, and in closet, I was so docile and quiet when the mood ever became remotely personal. She basically dated only really really butch guys.

Later in high school and in college, a few assignments or occasions here and there would require public speaking or even flat out acting (the teachers started to get creative I guess). The first time I sang in public alone after high school was for a church thing. Every month someone brought a new song and if they knew how to sing or play an instrument, they would introduce it to the congregation. I loved this song so I sang it. I got the craziest reaction. People were stunned, and I remember people not wanting to tell me what they thought of it. A few people just couldn't hold back though and just told me how beautiful they thought my voice was. I knew it was pleasant, and I knew it was powerful, but I never thought of it as beautiful. That word seems so over the top to me. You know--when people do not want to compliment you for something b/c they assume that it is so obvious that if you don't know it you cannot possibly be comfortable with it?

I made a decision to not continue in theatre. My acting teacher was bummed out and she told me. She said she had a spot for me in the company. I was shocked.

Why didn't I do it? B/c I wanted to help people, and I didn't think that was all that altruistic. I thought it was self-absorbed and self-centered. Stupid huh?

But every so often, when I hear a profound interview with a movie star, or the beautiful voice of a singer, I can't help but wonder.... what might have been?