I wanna say that my crush is going over the hump... that it will no longer be as bad. Its already not as bad as the last time... I'm burning myself out and its a great thing!
Yesterday I saw him, and he was seemingly extraordinarily spaced out. Our workout didn't really overlap at all... so no reasons arose for us to talk.
I was going to have too pushy in starting conversation, my stimulants were kickin hard, and he looked to be in an odd mood. So I just left it alone. He left early.
Today, I said hi as soon as he arrived. He seemed to be somewhat surprised although pleasantly.
Mid-way through my workout I noticed that he was doing an exercise that I do except somewhat differently. I asked about it--in a very straight non-chalant way. He was flattered and answered my question.
We worked near each other during my last exercise.
I went took a breather and a leak, and then came back. He was resting a mid set. I sat down next to him and asked how his week was going.
He was noticeably more normal. He told me about an upcoming exam. I queried about it a bit. Then he randomly asked me about this exercise that I do everyday. When he said it, I couldn't help but smile some. So I looked away during his question, and he was a little shy in asking. For whatever its worth, he noticed.
I explained that it wasn't exactly the same exercise but that I also thought I was doing one of them wrong. I told him I was hoping to come across some article or something from which I could learn exactly how to do it.
He was sort of surprised by my answer--although that is often the expression on his face when I talk to him--for whatever reason. Prolly b/c I usually respond with someone unusual answers. My statement had been contrived--but he didn't pick on it. Unlike me, he doesn't try to only talk about what he knows. So he gave me this funny face like an unqualified person referring a friend to someone they really respect, and said, "You should ask that big guy."
I though oh shit. So I asked innocently, Which big guy? He says, You know... that ONE really really big guy--who's always here. Fuck I thought. I said---Hmm.... blank look. He says, I think he's a trainer. Me, hmm.... Point him out next time he's here. Okay, he said, I think you'll know who he is.
I don't know why I got so stupid over something else that was stupid--Zeus.
Afterwards a pause in the conversation set in. I didn't know what to say and was just enjoying his more relaxed demeanor around me. So I smiled big and friendly, and said I'll see you soon, and got up. He said, "You're done already?"
I said, "they took my machines (referring to a group of jocks), and I was near the end anway, so I thought I'd call it a day." He nodded and started his set.
I ran into a guy I knew right next to Asian boy. We chatted and this guy asked me a lot of questions about my new job. It was unexpected. So we had an involved conversation. Although Asian Boy had been sitting at the machine in between sets, he bolted afterwards. I guess he was done with that exercise.
As I was leaving, I noticed that I didn't have my keys. I looked around the parking lot but then decided to call a lock smith.
I went back one last time to check the gym.
Someone I once knew decided to stay in town after graduation as well. He had recently been hired at my company. He also chose to keep the membership at our school's gym.
He turned in a set of keys, right before I came in--they were my keys.
Once upon a time, I had been a social being--and like many in the retarded hierarchical social scapes like those of a university--I had my lackies, people who followed you around, brought you up in conversations often enough for you to hear about it through a third or fourth degree party, adopt many of your habits, take everything you say too seriously, and pretened like you can do no wrong. I dismissed the vast majority of these because I don't trust them, except for this one.
I thought he was genuinely nice--I don't know what got into me.
Somewhere along the way he took a drastic turn and decided to go alpha--that is to no longer be the lackey and to try and up me. The problem was--I to my recollection had never instituted the ranking in the first place. But as extreme as his initial view of me had set in, so did its contrary and subsequent inverse as well.
I had seen it coming a few weeks prior, so I had already set some distance. He noticed. Later he finally told me what bothered him about me and said he resented my recent aloofness.
I apologized for what he said offended him--I was as straightforward about it as he was in brining it up. Although what I did was not good, his idealization of me exaccerbated my flaws. I thought distance was the best.
It was odd what happened afterwards. People told me that they noticed that he was never around me any more but also that he had since become more like me. He maintained some of the same interests that he had developed because of me, and dressed like me as well.
As I withdrew from the social life of the campus, he became popular. Ironically, he maintained some of the trends (that weren't superficial) that I had started. I was happy to leave the scene without having to see what I had done go with me too.
Afterwards, we didn't talk. No animosity on my behalf although I did hear on occasion that he spoke very ill of me and slandered me badly when I came out.
One of the reasons why he admired me so much was because of my athleticism. He couldn't work out with me--b/c the disparity in fitness levels was pronounced. I'm an experienced runner and my weight workouts are intense.
At least once a year, I like to do something different to myself--something a bit drastic. Sometimes it'll be my hair--longer to shorter--colors. Wardrobe--athletic (baseball cap, etc), to preppy, or metro (immorally expensive jeans). Mixing them up is cool. Then I got bored of that too and didn't see the point. So I recently did my body--I changed which body parts I wanted to highlight.
I had been known before for a certain set of body parts for which I generally got comments. I changed it up--and now I look different. I like variety.
Before, I did the whole buff upper body and skinny legs b/c I ran long distances and did weights mostly for the upper body. Now, I balance my weights so it is more lower body focused and more tone for the upper body, and changed my running so that I could hold on to the size I would put on to my legs and ass.
It's been fucken fun. I trimmed the hair of my legs so the definition would be noticeable--I love watching the cuts in my legs. I also grew a new ass. My upper body got tighter and more compact as well. I wear shorts more often;)
The first time I saw Crownie at the gym, he just stared me up and down--literally. I didn't pay attention.
I made it obvious I wouldn't really talk to him and its been working out thus far. However, he was nearby when I fell flat on my face while talking to Asian Boy that time I tried to first ask him to workout with me.
Crownie just gave me a very mocking look as he saw me losing my wits talking to this guy. Today, he was working near Asian Boy, and inspected him with his eyes. It made me feel wierd.
A few days ago, another guy who I used to flirt with saw me talking to Asian boy as well. As soon as I moved away from AB, he walked by me with a penetrating, playfully mocking, and uberly suspicious raised eye brow. Fuck---I guess I'm that obvious and easy to read.
Later on, he also inspected Asian boy only to later phone me about it.
Several times when Asian Boy and I have spotted each other, I've seen random people just staring at us. I think a better word is gawking. At first I thought that Asian Boy must know these individuals, but then I'd see him ignore the third person completely. I didn't know how someone could just stand less than six feet from us and just stare like that--I disregard it b/c to some degree I'm used to it now, but I'm suprised that he can do the same.
Partly I feel bad b/c without being sure of his sexual status--I've sort of drawn the attention of other people to him who otherwise might not have blatantly stared at him, an occurence I do not doubt transpires at least occasionally.
I feel guilty for outing some people in my interactions with them. Although, it seems to be a pesky problem.
With another kid, I went to dinner with him and a few of his friends. By the end of the night, some of them mentioned to me--I know he has a girlfriend, but is he exactly straight? He stared at you a great deal throughout the night.
Apparently he was really good at doing it when I wasn't looking b/c I hadn't caught him.
My regard for a stupid social reputation based on an inaccurate perception of myself hurt my own person. I'm angry at myself for that--I hope that this doesn't happen to AB. His boat doesn't seem to be too far off from the one I once sailed.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
More Mercy
I saw gorgeous tonight at the gym... finally, after missing yesterday.
I had a rough week at work, and there was a fucken end of week meeting schedules--which made no fucken sense b/c we weren't talking about anything that needed to be talked about any time soon.
I had one errand I had to run for one of my big bosses. I scheduled it smack in the middle of the meeting--so I had to miss.
I still was late to the gym--I thought I was going to miss Asian boy. But he was there, and apparently had just started.
He came up behind me and patted me on the shoulder to say hi. I turned quickly to him with a smile and said hi in Asian again. But this time, I had a friend teach me how to say, "How are you doing?" as well.
So as he walked away, I said it and he whipped around back. He smiled and was confused. Apparently I said "Goodbye" in a related Asian language as well. He taught me how to say it right. I offered a spot. He said, next set. So I stretched by him, and we chatted a bit. We were waaay more comfortable around each other finally.
So I spotted him on Incline Press, and he adjusted his clothes--half to pretend like he didn't want me to look, and also half way seeing if I was looking. Fuck--maybe he wanted me to look, cuz it was hard not to if he was going to fucken adjust everything after all.
Later, I started my sets, and he wanted another spot. The machines I was using were getting crowded. And prior to spotting him, I had mentioned how annoying it was to come to the gym later in the afternoon when it was full.
Right before starting his set, he said, look the machines are getting taken, you sure you want to spot me? A dumb question as he had his hands on the bar, and I was already positioned to spot him.
I looked over with a somewhat feigned worried look. I also thought, what a retarded question. He must think I'm comfortable with the fact that I am attracted to him and clearly going out of my way to suck up to him. I replied playfully, so hurry the fuck up. He broke into a laugh and started.
Later, he saw me struggling with a weight, but I had to put it down before he could come over. I don't know why, but I sort of wanted him to be as devious about skillfully planning to come and spot me. I know he has before timed his sets in that way for him to get a spot frome. I am retarded in thinking this way... whatever. I don't want to have to ask. Yet, with him as well, I wanted him to ask. Neither of us wants to appear to express desire for the other. We're too cool for that... stupid.
During a subsequent set, he started rushing towards me again b/c I was struggling but again, I lost the weight too early. Then I started with dumbells presenting virtually no opportunity for a spot without being flat out gay.
We ignored each other for th rest of the workout, and then one of his friends showed up, who did actually ask him for spots and shit. So, I was out of the pic. I finished and was going to say "Later", but he was talking to his friend. I'm pretty sure he saw me approach to say bye. Oh well, hopefully I'll c him tomorrow.
I want to be suave enough to come out to him without being clumsy about it at all. I'd like to let him know that yea--I majorily dig him. But that part of the reason that I like him is b/c he's hot, and I don't think he's an asshole, despite his reaction to me, which I think is a separate issue. Whether he likes me or not, pursuing a friendship would still be worthwhile to me. At least that is my current sentiment, which could change if I were to like him more and he proved to definitely not be into me.
A different guy was also at the gym. He's been wanting to hook up with me for a while. We've chatted online before and we know we're both gay. He's been reluctant to just approach me though in real life, I have too b/c I am a bit skeptical about his comfortableness with being out. I also have a stereotype that gay guys are catty and competitive. His inability to just approach me makes me think he's insecure. But he's out and that's way more than Asian Boy.
This other boi is not a bad catch either. He's waaay tall---more than me, which I really like. Dark blonde hair and a sexy year-round light golden tan. He has blue eyes and an articulated brow. However, his attitude makes him to me so predictable, at least in my head. When I see his reactions to me, I feel like I'm fucken watching a movie on repeat. With Asian boy, its usually something unexpected. I think I know what's going on and then it changes. Novelty is prime in any relationship--esp the initial childish ones.
I felt bad for Blondie--I was working out near him and he was sort of freaked by how aloof I was to him. I couldn't help it--Asian Boy was in the room. I've decided to go out this weekend--so I might run into Blondie b/c I know he digs this area's gay scene. I wonder if he'll be too fed up to talk to me.
I felt bad about leaving Asian Boy without making an overt attempt to talk to him more or actually make a concrete move. But, I guess I have to get comfortable with him being comfortable. I also realized that he's enjoying the power trip of having another man being into him--another guy who is someone he's impressed by athletically.
I remember that was a really big deal for me early on. The first time I nabbed a bruiser, I could scarcely talk to him but I wanted to make him react as often as I could. I luved watching this super big broad shouldered square jawed sexy buff man go to pieces whenever I would tease him. It was nauseatingly self centered and stupid, but a lot of fun and to me exceedingly useful in proving to me that indeed this was possible for me.
Although Asian boy is hot and others tell him so, he may not totally see it the way they do.
Wanting so Bad
Tonight I just want to be gay sooo badly. Not just homosexual, but happy--hahaha. Perhaps its the fact that I slept an extra few hours last night or that my stimulants are kicking in well today, but I am in a kick ass mood.
I read some excellently enheartening shit today on the Great Cock Hunt--a blog I read. The latest entry entitled "Intimacy" is phenomenal. It very much echoes the sentiments regarding the sacrifices necessary in relationship that NSSG recently wrote about as well. It seems that everyone is on the same page--except for Mr. Jared on Completely Naked who apparently found a near flawless man--gorgeous, intelligent, caring, and a great fucker. But that's enough of my take on the gay blogosphere.
Yesterday I got great news from a business deal I set up for my father. The figures got into him last night and he, thrilled and yet concerned, phoned me. He didn't expect it, and gave me access to more of his assets to invest for him as well. He has been incredibly reluctant to share information regarding that particular form of capital with me. I've been wanting to invest it for him for quite a while now and made the proposition to him a long time ago.
Still, I understood that giving access was not the main point of his call. As I began to get off the phone, his tone of voice changed, and he wanted to talk. He seemd concerned about something, but I couldn't tell what. He mentioned issues at one of his other jobs.
This other job is not about making money. He does it because he believes in it. While he still makes a pretty penny off of it, its been taking some rough punches from others in that field. He built a large part of this organization from the ground up, and now, it may not survive. He hasn't told me all that much about it--I later figured because talking about it in that way hurt too much--but its gotten media attention for a while now, and some of his close friends and colleagues have also mentioned it to me.
One of my siblings had called earlier this week--bitching about how much he hates our family and wishes he could have a different one. Yes, he got the short end of a lot of shit. That fact is undeniable. But he's been given many many chances and now he's succeeding in his field of choice. However, he does have a hard time dealing with the relational consequences of the shit that went down in our family previously.
I told him he had to forgive and accept us as we were. He said we were the most two-faced people he had ever known. I said such was the case because we're the people he knows the best. Get to know anyone and the duality of their being becomes apparent.
He didn't like that. He also though I had too much pull in the family. I confirmed his resentment towards me for that point. Oh, well...
I alluded to Rosseau and another thinker who coined the term "Every other is every other". Humans are all one--many of us just don't realize it. Our connection to that collective is our family. You cannot accept yourself or others separately, including the fam.
He said he had to do something with his anger. I didn't advocate the contrary. He still needed to just fucken come to terms with shit. He's young. I love him nonetheless a great deal and I hope he gets through these points soon.
I read some excellently enheartening shit today on the Great Cock Hunt--a blog I read. The latest entry entitled "Intimacy" is phenomenal. It very much echoes the sentiments regarding the sacrifices necessary in relationship that NSSG recently wrote about as well. It seems that everyone is on the same page--except for Mr. Jared on Completely Naked who apparently found a near flawless man--gorgeous, intelligent, caring, and a great fucker. But that's enough of my take on the gay blogosphere.
Yesterday I got great news from a business deal I set up for my father. The figures got into him last night and he, thrilled and yet concerned, phoned me. He didn't expect it, and gave me access to more of his assets to invest for him as well. He has been incredibly reluctant to share information regarding that particular form of capital with me. I've been wanting to invest it for him for quite a while now and made the proposition to him a long time ago.
Still, I understood that giving access was not the main point of his call. As I began to get off the phone, his tone of voice changed, and he wanted to talk. He seemd concerned about something, but I couldn't tell what. He mentioned issues at one of his other jobs.
This other job is not about making money. He does it because he believes in it. While he still makes a pretty penny off of it, its been taking some rough punches from others in that field. He built a large part of this organization from the ground up, and now, it may not survive. He hasn't told me all that much about it--I later figured because talking about it in that way hurt too much--but its gotten media attention for a while now, and some of his close friends and colleagues have also mentioned it to me.
One of my siblings had called earlier this week--bitching about how much he hates our family and wishes he could have a different one. Yes, he got the short end of a lot of shit. That fact is undeniable. But he's been given many many chances and now he's succeeding in his field of choice. However, he does have a hard time dealing with the relational consequences of the shit that went down in our family previously.
I told him he had to forgive and accept us as we were. He said we were the most two-faced people he had ever known. I said such was the case because we're the people he knows the best. Get to know anyone and the duality of their being becomes apparent.
He didn't like that. He also though I had too much pull in the family. I confirmed his resentment towards me for that point. Oh, well...
I alluded to Rosseau and another thinker who coined the term "Every other is every other". Humans are all one--many of us just don't realize it. Our connection to that collective is our family. You cannot accept yourself or others separately, including the fam.
He said he had to do something with his anger. I didn't advocate the contrary. He still needed to just fucken come to terms with shit. He's young. I love him nonetheless a great deal and I hope he gets through these points soon.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Going--Vulernability
This week's been a killer at work. The first year on the job has been known to be a crash course in office politics. Although I've worked a great deal during school, rarely was I at the epicenter of such nastiness. This morning I took a significant step in allaying some of my stress... So I can breathe a bit easier ;)
I've been working on the last realization I had regarding selfishness.
I found myself in a serious internal conflict regarding Asian Boy. The whole time I can't get over how petty and inconsequential this whole dynamic is. But like the subtitle of my blog puts forth--I find often that many of my core issues come to the light and come into play in these petty situations.
For the past couple days, I have reminded myself that crushes for me usually relate to some deeper need or desire I perceive the other person to be able to meet in a uniquely complete way. Without making this more convoluted or nebulous, Asian boy's troubled expression, gym obsession, and artificial ego bear striking relations to my own insecurities.
Although I became privy to his context after my crush had set in fully, I now know that his current social situation is very similar to my own when I was his age. He attracts attention, is considered unique, endures certain sucritiny, yet attempts to maintain some semblance of an authentic social identity.
One of my fag hags put it the best when she said, "He's got to be an interesting and multi-layered individual." I queried, "Why?"
"Because," she says, "so many people are interested in him and who he is, and he is clearly so confused and does not want to shut any doors to himself by taking a bold stance on his identity such that he has to keep his life on a 'Need-to-Know-Basis'. He has to have multiple and viable versions of his identity that he can feed to different people despite the fact, that unlike most folks, his set of id's may be in steep contradiction to one another."
Indeed, bi-, straight, or gay, people try and guess. Just how Asian or is whether he is one by birth alone is another question. Inclusively his geographic origins and upbrining are not clearly cut. Although his heritage in general calls for strict traditionalism, his parents have already broken with some major conventions.
I also came to the conclusion with the aid of my fag hag, that I was conflicted because I still had a hunch that he liked me, and that his remark was not representative. My fag hag noted that perhaps his remark last time had been a result of me being to aggressive and controlling in my interactions with him. A light went off--that was exactly it. John Henryism is a major trait of mine, however, I had not until this past week realized that this approach is not good in social relationships. I can control many aspects of my situation--I cannot control how others will react to me--no matter how much I try to understand them as a set of systems.
I gave him the benefit of a doubt--perhaps the most desired gift I would have liked during that particular time in my life and also decided to give him much more breathing room and space to react and direct the rapport. After ignoring briefly him one time at the gym (I was way too upset to actually say anything), the following afternoon I greeted him--as if nothing had ever happened. He was tense, and asked me, "How are you?" I wanted to say something more than the usual, but I backed off, smiled warmly, and said, "I'm good."
He seemed to be hinging on my response. After perhaps noticing how limited my response was, he nodded, and then we parted ways and proceeded with our workouts. I didn't pay too much attention to him that time. Still, he caught me looking once and I saw that it evoked a noticeable reaction in him. I couldn't tell what it was, but he seemingly didn't expect me still to be paying him close attention.
I ignored him the rest of the workout, up until I had to leave. He was doing situps while facing the exit way. As I hauled ass out of the gym, I turned to him with big, open, curious, and somewhat cautious eyes and waved while flashing him a sort of peace sign with my hand.
He looked up confused, recognized me, got surprised, and then burst into a very big and broad knowing smile. I was somewhat confused too, but happy to have apparently gotten over this dumb hump in the rapport.
The next day wasn't like most of the previous times, where he waits until I make it clear that I want to say hi in order for him to acknowledge me. He paused near me, I lookekd up, and he greeted me. I nodded with a smile and continued stretching.
I waited until he was resting in between sets, approached, and greeted him formally in his language. He smiled again. It was sweet and warm. This time we talked about our workouts, and while we were still awkward, we got further than usual--pathetic on my behalf, but I learning... he he.
Later, we talked again, and he started sports conversation. I didn't know the actual sports facts and stats he was talking about, but I did know the business side to it. Hilarious enough--he was suprised by what I had to say. I knew the business of that sport rather well--the owners, the profit margins, and in what ways the money may actually determine who wins and when.
I was pithy in my replies, but he was somewhat stunned by what I said, because it was insider information. I erred and overdid it. Next time I'll just admit ignorance instead of veering the conversation towards my expertise.
Later, I approached him again and asked if he did anything for Halloween. He had gotten nervous again, as I neared. But I made it clear with my body language that I intended it not to be an involved conversation. He was still thrown off by the question somehow, I saw in his expression the arousal of his social ego as he was about to reply, but then it deflated itself, and his expression went vulnerable--open and somewhat scared--as he said flatly, "Nothing."
I smiled back and said, "Neither did I. I went to bed early as a treat to myself." He nervously and half heartedly smiled as he looked away from me.
Afterwards, we worked around each other without talking. I caught him following me with his eyes at one point. I was flattered but didn't give away catching him. I was going to ask him about his workout, but he left when I wasn't looking. My question will have to wait.
I realized in talking to my fag hag, that in the past, I rarely intently listened to what he had to say. I proverbially waited for my turn to speak while we conversed. I'm trying to change that by being less take-charge and more receptive to him as a person. I know I observe him real well, but that's not actually being interested in what he has to say.
I am ugly for not paying attention to him in that way. I like him--more than for the fact that he's beautiful. But, I have trouble in letting go of my own prejudgments and opinions of someone. I can figure many things out about a person, but I don't want this to be about figuring him out like that. I want to learn to do relationships like ejoyable tennis games and not cut throat struggles fueled by the octane of my insecurity.
I dated a guy one time who was a genius. One time, he mentioned that he had dreamed about me the previous night. I asked him to tell the dream. But he said no--with concern. I asked, "Why not?" He said, "Because I don't want you figuring me out." I smiled devilishly like a fiend, and said, "What makes you think I haven't figured you out already?"
My game with him ended, and I seemingly emerged with the upper hand. I found out much of what comprised the fibers of his character. I was vulnerable to him without actually risking pain. I can do that somehow--it sucks. If minds and souls are like fighters, his was a a super-trained gladiator. I knew that--and consequently I sought to subdue him prior to opening up to him.
Have you ever wished that you could have relationships without risk? To get to know someone well and to taste their souls, without having to give back or even take the risk of them taking back? I have.
Somewhere along the way I learned to make sure that people did not have the ability to hurt me. They could have access, but that did not mean they could hurt me. On the contrary, I could use their getting to know me to my advantage. I'm tired of that now.
I've been working on the last realization I had regarding selfishness.
I found myself in a serious internal conflict regarding Asian Boy. The whole time I can't get over how petty and inconsequential this whole dynamic is. But like the subtitle of my blog puts forth--I find often that many of my core issues come to the light and come into play in these petty situations.
For the past couple days, I have reminded myself that crushes for me usually relate to some deeper need or desire I perceive the other person to be able to meet in a uniquely complete way. Without making this more convoluted or nebulous, Asian boy's troubled expression, gym obsession, and artificial ego bear striking relations to my own insecurities.
Although I became privy to his context after my crush had set in fully, I now know that his current social situation is very similar to my own when I was his age. He attracts attention, is considered unique, endures certain sucritiny, yet attempts to maintain some semblance of an authentic social identity.
One of my fag hags put it the best when she said, "He's got to be an interesting and multi-layered individual." I queried, "Why?"
"Because," she says, "so many people are interested in him and who he is, and he is clearly so confused and does not want to shut any doors to himself by taking a bold stance on his identity such that he has to keep his life on a 'Need-to-Know-Basis'. He has to have multiple and viable versions of his identity that he can feed to different people despite the fact, that unlike most folks, his set of id's may be in steep contradiction to one another."
Indeed, bi-, straight, or gay, people try and guess. Just how Asian or is whether he is one by birth alone is another question. Inclusively his geographic origins and upbrining are not clearly cut. Although his heritage in general calls for strict traditionalism, his parents have already broken with some major conventions.
I also came to the conclusion with the aid of my fag hag, that I was conflicted because I still had a hunch that he liked me, and that his remark was not representative. My fag hag noted that perhaps his remark last time had been a result of me being to aggressive and controlling in my interactions with him. A light went off--that was exactly it. John Henryism is a major trait of mine, however, I had not until this past week realized that this approach is not good in social relationships. I can control many aspects of my situation--I cannot control how others will react to me--no matter how much I try to understand them as a set of systems.
I gave him the benefit of a doubt--perhaps the most desired gift I would have liked during that particular time in my life and also decided to give him much more breathing room and space to react and direct the rapport. After ignoring briefly him one time at the gym (I was way too upset to actually say anything), the following afternoon I greeted him--as if nothing had ever happened. He was tense, and asked me, "How are you?" I wanted to say something more than the usual, but I backed off, smiled warmly, and said, "I'm good."
He seemed to be hinging on my response. After perhaps noticing how limited my response was, he nodded, and then we parted ways and proceeded with our workouts. I didn't pay too much attention to him that time. Still, he caught me looking once and I saw that it evoked a noticeable reaction in him. I couldn't tell what it was, but he seemingly didn't expect me still to be paying him close attention.
I ignored him the rest of the workout, up until I had to leave. He was doing situps while facing the exit way. As I hauled ass out of the gym, I turned to him with big, open, curious, and somewhat cautious eyes and waved while flashing him a sort of peace sign with my hand.
He looked up confused, recognized me, got surprised, and then burst into a very big and broad knowing smile. I was somewhat confused too, but happy to have apparently gotten over this dumb hump in the rapport.
The next day wasn't like most of the previous times, where he waits until I make it clear that I want to say hi in order for him to acknowledge me. He paused near me, I lookekd up, and he greeted me. I nodded with a smile and continued stretching.
I waited until he was resting in between sets, approached, and greeted him formally in his language. He smiled again. It was sweet and warm. This time we talked about our workouts, and while we were still awkward, we got further than usual--pathetic on my behalf, but I learning... he he.
Later, we talked again, and he started sports conversation. I didn't know the actual sports facts and stats he was talking about, but I did know the business side to it. Hilarious enough--he was suprised by what I had to say. I knew the business of that sport rather well--the owners, the profit margins, and in what ways the money may actually determine who wins and when.
I was pithy in my replies, but he was somewhat stunned by what I said, because it was insider information. I erred and overdid it. Next time I'll just admit ignorance instead of veering the conversation towards my expertise.
Later, I approached him again and asked if he did anything for Halloween. He had gotten nervous again, as I neared. But I made it clear with my body language that I intended it not to be an involved conversation. He was still thrown off by the question somehow, I saw in his expression the arousal of his social ego as he was about to reply, but then it deflated itself, and his expression went vulnerable--open and somewhat scared--as he said flatly, "Nothing."
I smiled back and said, "Neither did I. I went to bed early as a treat to myself." He nervously and half heartedly smiled as he looked away from me.
Afterwards, we worked around each other without talking. I caught him following me with his eyes at one point. I was flattered but didn't give away catching him. I was going to ask him about his workout, but he left when I wasn't looking. My question will have to wait.
I realized in talking to my fag hag, that in the past, I rarely intently listened to what he had to say. I proverbially waited for my turn to speak while we conversed. I'm trying to change that by being less take-charge and more receptive to him as a person. I know I observe him real well, but that's not actually being interested in what he has to say.
I am ugly for not paying attention to him in that way. I like him--more than for the fact that he's beautiful. But, I have trouble in letting go of my own prejudgments and opinions of someone. I can figure many things out about a person, but I don't want this to be about figuring him out like that. I want to learn to do relationships like ejoyable tennis games and not cut throat struggles fueled by the octane of my insecurity.
I dated a guy one time who was a genius. One time, he mentioned that he had dreamed about me the previous night. I asked him to tell the dream. But he said no--with concern. I asked, "Why not?" He said, "Because I don't want you figuring me out." I smiled devilishly like a fiend, and said, "What makes you think I haven't figured you out already?"
My game with him ended, and I seemingly emerged with the upper hand. I found out much of what comprised the fibers of his character. I was vulnerable to him without actually risking pain. I can do that somehow--it sucks. If minds and souls are like fighters, his was a a super-trained gladiator. I knew that--and consequently I sought to subdue him prior to opening up to him.Have you ever wished that you could have relationships without risk? To get to know someone well and to taste their souls, without having to give back or even take the risk of them taking back? I have.
Somewhere along the way I learned to make sure that people did not have the ability to hurt me. They could have access, but that did not mean they could hurt me. On the contrary, I could use their getting to know me to my advantage. I'm tired of that now.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Knockdown
So I'm letting go of Asian Boy. I crush like a fucken 13-yr old girl. Its so bad.
The day after I tried to ask him out but failed miserably--I worked out, saw him come into the gym, but not the weight room. I must have scared him off I thought. He must be running from the homo who keeps trying to hit on him.
As I was leaving, I made random eye contact with him. It was very immediate as it was unexpected. He was just using one of the cardio machines between the weight room and the exit. He had a troubled look--anxious or something like that. But although the eye contact was somewhat intense, it was also random, quick, and he wasn't within shouting distance. So I just walked on and left.
The next day, or yesterday, I was working out as usual and he walks in. He usually ignores me until I say hi to him, so I just proceeded to do the same to him. Except this time, he came to workout near me and paused while looking at me. So I looked back, he half smiled and said hi. I did the same. He didn't seem at ease but neither did he seem anxious.
I thought--Okay, things aren't so bad. My rambling last time made my attraction to him obvious. If he was homophobic perhaps he might have just chosen to ignore me as usual. Perhaps he is also attempting to avoid having me come over to him.
I was supersetting and he was working in between my two machines. He was right about to start a set when I offered him a spot. He got caught in a long contemplation of this decision--he looked away from me, and he was thinking hard, not about the spot but b/c he knew that there was more to it. He was half way smirking but at the same time anxious. I think I'm scaring the be-jeezus out of this kid.
He says, sure. I spotted him and then proceed to my supersetting.
A couple sets later, he again stares at me, I look back, and he asks for a spot. Cool--perhaps I didn't scare him away I think to myself.
While I'm spotting him--I can see all of him. He was wearing a light nylon white tee. He's beautiful and not over buffed. He works hard, and presses the weight two reps past his max. I encourage him and then move on. He goes to a different machine. A few sets later I am again working near him. I had the option not to do so, but I picked the machine closest to him.
I noticed him struggling, so I went over and spotted him. He says thanks. I tink I'm over doing it at this point. But then he asks for another spot, and asks me to take off some weights after he reaches failure.
Later, he's doing ab work and he catches me while in between supersets and asks me if I need any spotting. I was working with machines and obviously doing high reps. So I said that I didn't need one now, but thanks. He then said he felt bad b/c I always spot him, and then says that I should ask if I need one.
I said, okay thanks. I thought about this and in retrospect, didn't think about it well. I swear my brain must become a Cuisinart whenever I am in situations where I am trying to make a move on a guy who makes me nervous--all my logic becomes tangled.
I thought--maybe he wants to workout together. We're here at the same time almost everyday--and its not pre-planned. Although we do different types of workouts, I would like to add variety to mine. One time he seemed to express some disappointment at the fact that I was leaving the gym when he was coming in--clearly he must want to workout together. I write this last sentence with retrospective sarcasm.
So I go up to him and said just that--hey, do you just want to workout together sometime?
He says, "I just said if you needed a spot, not if you wanted to workout together." Knockdown.
He smiled as he saw the stunned expression on my face and then he said, We do different things.
I said, I was just saying b/c we're here at the same time often, and I would do some of the stuff you do if I had a spotter. I just don't like slow workouts, but with a partner that wouldn't be a problem. I was pissed.
I start to put my headphones back on again, and he was still smirking a lot. I was really pissed, as I was adjusting my headphones and walking away he says, perhaps sometime later this week. I was too annoyed to even consider what he said and thought it retarded after his remark.
So I half-way turned back to him, pretended not have heard his last sentence, and said, well let me know if you do want to workout sometime. I was done with my workout, so I then left.
His response was so quick and rude. I got the sense that he had foreseen it--was thoroughly amused by that fact, and then knocked me for it without any effort to be polite about his desire to not workout together. Such were my thoughts at the moment. I didn't know what to make of his smirky comeback offer--I howeverd did know that it was vague and weak. I was also majorily high at the time on stimulants, during which times I can be very abrupt and hurried.
I was to some degree glad that at least he's amused by my chase for him, because likely he's not totally straight. Alternatively, either he is either socially retarded when it comes to guys--a possibility, or he's just taking a sadistic approach to a gay dude at the gym.
I've been majorily out of touch with my former fag hags. But, I needed someone to talk to about this who would get it quick and offer good insight.
I called one up--she asked his name. Her analysis of the situation was that he was being catty, half way in the closet, and taking the opportunity to mess with the whole idea of another guy.
Damn--she researches a million times better than me. Within a couple hours, she phones me back and apparently had found out a lot about this dude. She previously had crushed on a good friend of his and had some connections to his clique.
Her results included that he's never had a gf and several hot girls have publicly and desperately solicited his "companionship". A few of his male friends think of him in homoerotic ways and seem to be unusually vocal about it. There has been some talk that he has had male hook ups at other peer universities--its unclear whether its in jest or not. The males in quesitons however were not suspect by virtue of their attractiveness. However, the fag hag noted that no such suspicions exist about males at our campus. Some of his friends do joke that he is bisexual and that it is a "secret"--although its not the most prevalent joke.
It's not his fault--he's just young. However, I crush too hard--so in that sense I am young too. I haven't had much experience with chases where it was not certain that everyone there was gay. Plus, this guy is uberly straight-acting. Inferring this ahead of time based on mannerisms was impossible.
I have to schedule another date soon with someone out and who is normal.
The day after I tried to ask him out but failed miserably--I worked out, saw him come into the gym, but not the weight room. I must have scared him off I thought. He must be running from the homo who keeps trying to hit on him.
As I was leaving, I made random eye contact with him. It was very immediate as it was unexpected. He was just using one of the cardio machines between the weight room and the exit. He had a troubled look--anxious or something like that. But although the eye contact was somewhat intense, it was also random, quick, and he wasn't within shouting distance. So I just walked on and left.
The next day, or yesterday, I was working out as usual and he walks in. He usually ignores me until I say hi to him, so I just proceeded to do the same to him. Except this time, he came to workout near me and paused while looking at me. So I looked back, he half smiled and said hi. I did the same. He didn't seem at ease but neither did he seem anxious.
I thought--Okay, things aren't so bad. My rambling last time made my attraction to him obvious. If he was homophobic perhaps he might have just chosen to ignore me as usual. Perhaps he is also attempting to avoid having me come over to him.
I was supersetting and he was working in between my two machines. He was right about to start a set when I offered him a spot. He got caught in a long contemplation of this decision--he looked away from me, and he was thinking hard, not about the spot but b/c he knew that there was more to it. He was half way smirking but at the same time anxious. I think I'm scaring the be-jeezus out of this kid.
He says, sure. I spotted him and then proceed to my supersetting.
A couple sets later, he again stares at me, I look back, and he asks for a spot. Cool--perhaps I didn't scare him away I think to myself.
While I'm spotting him--I can see all of him. He was wearing a light nylon white tee. He's beautiful and not over buffed. He works hard, and presses the weight two reps past his max. I encourage him and then move on. He goes to a different machine. A few sets later I am again working near him. I had the option not to do so, but I picked the machine closest to him.
I noticed him struggling, so I went over and spotted him. He says thanks. I tink I'm over doing it at this point. But then he asks for another spot, and asks me to take off some weights after he reaches failure.
Later, he's doing ab work and he catches me while in between supersets and asks me if I need any spotting. I was working with machines and obviously doing high reps. So I said that I didn't need one now, but thanks. He then said he felt bad b/c I always spot him, and then says that I should ask if I need one.
I said, okay thanks. I thought about this and in retrospect, didn't think about it well. I swear my brain must become a Cuisinart whenever I am in situations where I am trying to make a move on a guy who makes me nervous--all my logic becomes tangled.
I thought--maybe he wants to workout together. We're here at the same time almost everyday--and its not pre-planned. Although we do different types of workouts, I would like to add variety to mine. One time he seemed to express some disappointment at the fact that I was leaving the gym when he was coming in--clearly he must want to workout together. I write this last sentence with retrospective sarcasm.
So I go up to him and said just that--hey, do you just want to workout together sometime?
He says, "I just said if you needed a spot, not if you wanted to workout together." Knockdown.
He smiled as he saw the stunned expression on my face and then he said, We do different things.
I said, I was just saying b/c we're here at the same time often, and I would do some of the stuff you do if I had a spotter. I just don't like slow workouts, but with a partner that wouldn't be a problem. I was pissed.
I start to put my headphones back on again, and he was still smirking a lot. I was really pissed, as I was adjusting my headphones and walking away he says, perhaps sometime later this week. I was too annoyed to even consider what he said and thought it retarded after his remark.
So I half-way turned back to him, pretended not have heard his last sentence, and said, well let me know if you do want to workout sometime. I was done with my workout, so I then left.
His response was so quick and rude. I got the sense that he had foreseen it--was thoroughly amused by that fact, and then knocked me for it without any effort to be polite about his desire to not workout together. Such were my thoughts at the moment. I didn't know what to make of his smirky comeback offer--I howeverd did know that it was vague and weak. I was also majorily high at the time on stimulants, during which times I can be very abrupt and hurried.
I was to some degree glad that at least he's amused by my chase for him, because likely he's not totally straight. Alternatively, either he is either socially retarded when it comes to guys--a possibility, or he's just taking a sadistic approach to a gay dude at the gym.
I've been majorily out of touch with my former fag hags. But, I needed someone to talk to about this who would get it quick and offer good insight.
I called one up--she asked his name. Her analysis of the situation was that he was being catty, half way in the closet, and taking the opportunity to mess with the whole idea of another guy.
Damn--she researches a million times better than me. Within a couple hours, she phones me back and apparently had found out a lot about this dude. She previously had crushed on a good friend of his and had some connections to his clique.
Her results included that he's never had a gf and several hot girls have publicly and desperately solicited his "companionship". A few of his male friends think of him in homoerotic ways and seem to be unusually vocal about it. There has been some talk that he has had male hook ups at other peer universities--its unclear whether its in jest or not. The males in quesitons however were not suspect by virtue of their attractiveness. However, the fag hag noted that no such suspicions exist about males at our campus. Some of his friends do joke that he is bisexual and that it is a "secret"--although its not the most prevalent joke.
It's not his fault--he's just young. However, I crush too hard--so in that sense I am young too. I haven't had much experience with chases where it was not certain that everyone there was gay. Plus, this guy is uberly straight-acting. Inferring this ahead of time based on mannerisms was impossible.
I have to schedule another date soon with someone out and who is normal.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Perpetual Elegance
Beautiful faces come in all forms. Some are cute, hot, or sexy.... and some are elegant. Some can be made to look that way while others are just so all the time. Unless you quite literally cover them up, their elegant quality is undeniable. Otherwise, whether in jeans, a beanie, or in a state of dishevelement--some faces exhibit perpetual elegance .
What IMHO makes a face elegant is that its features seem to be in perpetual motion and nothing is extraneous.
elegant
el-e-gant ɛɪ - [el-i-guh
nt]
3.graceful in form or movement:
adj. [common; from mathematical usage] Combining
simplicity, power, and a certain ineffable grace of design.
The French aviator, adventurer, and author Antoine de
Saint-Exupe'ry, probably best known for his classic children's book
"The Little Prince", was also an aircraft designer. He gave us
perhaps the best definition of engineering elegance when he said "A
designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing
left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Normal
I just came back from a date... I've been on very few that are actual dates--u know set up and shit.
He's older--late twenties, Asian, cute, good body, and established. What was most overt was that he was grown-up. So that's why the date was so normal.
He asked real questions--from my origins all the way to my coming out experience.
We had a lot to talk about and we laughed. We talked past dinner time and then we walked around and did a little shopping before parting ways--it was a weeknight afterall.
It ended better than it began because when we first met--he was really really shy. We met at a coffee shop and then walked over to the restaurant. I tried making eye contact but he wouldn't. He didn't make eye contact nor did he seem to even directly look at me until we were sitting in the restaurant booth. That was weird to me because where I'm from--I'm used to the 3sec size up consisting of a top-to-bottom inspection. So I was a little nervous about how things would go since the date didn't start as per my previous experiences. As soon as we both laughed I felt better.
I can see why people do relationships--the stability, the security that the other person will likely not wrong you in certain ways, and the predictability. I know some people like it both ways--the novel and the broken-in. For a while, I've thought that I only ever needed the former. Now, I know that I need both. I just have to find the right balance.
Earlier today, the gym was wierd like before. Asian Boy and Zeus were both there. Asian boy ignored me, until he started using my machine. I asked if I could work in with him. He tried to talk to me without busting out into a grin. It was cute, but because he had just ignored me, I was just regular and really polite. I put off talking to him until after I was done with my workout.
Zeus was being his usual wierd self, stealing stares at me and then pretending to not know me whenever I came close to him. Unlike most weekdays, he was alone today and working out at an odd-hour--earlier in the day. I got off of work early today b/c tomorrow I have a late night work-related commitment.
I didn't want to permanently end our barely existent rapport. So I looked for one of those moments when two people know that no one is looking at them even though they are in a crowded place. I found a time like that--and so I stared at him confidently. He felt the stare and immediately looked right at me. His look--shrowded by public privacy was different than the usual oddities I've gotten from him. It was devoid of his pretentious pride that I have only recently gotten from him. Neither, did he have that annoying and knowing smirk on his face when he seems to be avoiding eye contact with me.
Instead, he was somewhat suprised--probably because I was being forward in my stare and it was loaded. I was letting him know I knew what was up and that in private--I wasn't scared of him--I just didn't want to deal with pretending, which is what would be necessary because of his gym-noteriety and his hottie-deaf girlfriend.
He stared at me back with comparable intensity and what seemed like focused curiosity. Like a male deer with large antlers that hears something in the distance and quickly looks at its point of origin--chest sticking out, on-gaurd, but with open and resolute curiosity.
I smiled and broke the stare. The gym was getting more full by the fucken minute.
Later, after my workout I saw Asian boy start on a machine that required sitting. I went over to talk to him and ask if he wanted to workout.
It was bad--real bad. I felt flat on my face. I started the conversation but I think I tried to hard and he often just left me hanging. He's so fucken cute. Its distracting. His body and his muscles are so fucken beautiful and full. They are distracting.
He wanted to move on with his workout, but I couldn't come up with a smooth exit--so I just rambled. It was painful.
There was no way to ask him to workout at that point. Finally, some guy asked if either of us was going to use the machine on which he sat. So I apologized and said that I was keeping him--and quickly left. I think he was a little wierded out by my quick exit. I didn't know what to do. I like this guy a lot. But chances are--he's not gay, or he won't go with fagdom.
Part of the problem with the conversation was that I had premised a significant part of it on my expectations of him being Asian. He wasn't meeting those expectations so my comments were met by his confused expressions.
Later I called up another Asian friend of mine and told him Asian Boy's response. My friend said Asian Boy and his family are whitewashed and overly Americanized.
That sort of made me think differently about his sexuality. Clearly, his family did not fit the mold. Still, I had fucked shit up--at least momentarily.
I very happily went on this date later--because I needed to have another Asian who was out, normal, and would be straightforward about any interest in me.
It sort of worked. I still like Asian Boy, but Asian Man is a really nice guy. I do not have to make a choice as of now--which is very good.
He's older--late twenties, Asian, cute, good body, and established. What was most overt was that he was grown-up. So that's why the date was so normal.
He asked real questions--from my origins all the way to my coming out experience.
We had a lot to talk about and we laughed. We talked past dinner time and then we walked around and did a little shopping before parting ways--it was a weeknight afterall.
It ended better than it began because when we first met--he was really really shy. We met at a coffee shop and then walked over to the restaurant. I tried making eye contact but he wouldn't. He didn't make eye contact nor did he seem to even directly look at me until we were sitting in the restaurant booth. That was weird to me because where I'm from--I'm used to the 3sec size up consisting of a top-to-bottom inspection. So I was a little nervous about how things would go since the date didn't start as per my previous experiences. As soon as we both laughed I felt better.
I can see why people do relationships--the stability, the security that the other person will likely not wrong you in certain ways, and the predictability. I know some people like it both ways--the novel and the broken-in. For a while, I've thought that I only ever needed the former. Now, I know that I need both. I just have to find the right balance.
Earlier today, the gym was wierd like before. Asian Boy and Zeus were both there. Asian boy ignored me, until he started using my machine. I asked if I could work in with him. He tried to talk to me without busting out into a grin. It was cute, but because he had just ignored me, I was just regular and really polite. I put off talking to him until after I was done with my workout.
Zeus was being his usual wierd self, stealing stares at me and then pretending to not know me whenever I came close to him. Unlike most weekdays, he was alone today and working out at an odd-hour--earlier in the day. I got off of work early today b/c tomorrow I have a late night work-related commitment.
I didn't want to permanently end our barely existent rapport. So I looked for one of those moments when two people know that no one is looking at them even though they are in a crowded place. I found a time like that--and so I stared at him confidently. He felt the stare and immediately looked right at me. His look--shrowded by public privacy was different than the usual oddities I've gotten from him. It was devoid of his pretentious pride that I have only recently gotten from him. Neither, did he have that annoying and knowing smirk on his face when he seems to be avoiding eye contact with me.
Instead, he was somewhat suprised--probably because I was being forward in my stare and it was loaded. I was letting him know I knew what was up and that in private--I wasn't scared of him--I just didn't want to deal with pretending, which is what would be necessary because of his gym-noteriety and his hottie-deaf girlfriend.
He stared at me back with comparable intensity and what seemed like focused curiosity. Like a male deer with large antlers that hears something in the distance and quickly looks at its point of origin--chest sticking out, on-gaurd, but with open and resolute curiosity.
I smiled and broke the stare. The gym was getting more full by the fucken minute.
Later, after my workout I saw Asian boy start on a machine that required sitting. I went over to talk to him and ask if he wanted to workout.
It was bad--real bad. I felt flat on my face. I started the conversation but I think I tried to hard and he often just left me hanging. He's so fucken cute. Its distracting. His body and his muscles are so fucken beautiful and full. They are distracting.
He wanted to move on with his workout, but I couldn't come up with a smooth exit--so I just rambled. It was painful.
There was no way to ask him to workout at that point. Finally, some guy asked if either of us was going to use the machine on which he sat. So I apologized and said that I was keeping him--and quickly left. I think he was a little wierded out by my quick exit. I didn't know what to do. I like this guy a lot. But chances are--he's not gay, or he won't go with fagdom.
Part of the problem with the conversation was that I had premised a significant part of it on my expectations of him being Asian. He wasn't meeting those expectations so my comments were met by his confused expressions.
Later I called up another Asian friend of mine and told him Asian Boy's response. My friend said Asian Boy and his family are whitewashed and overly Americanized.
That sort of made me think differently about his sexuality. Clearly, his family did not fit the mold. Still, I had fucked shit up--at least momentarily.
I very happily went on this date later--because I needed to have another Asian who was out, normal, and would be straightforward about any interest in me.
It sort of worked. I still like Asian Boy, but Asian Man is a really nice guy. I do not have to make a choice as of now--which is very good.
Trouble in Paradise
Every so often the gym is just a fucken broiler of odd situations.
A while ago, Zeus and his girlfriend were working out—at the same time, though not together.
I didn’t want to get into shit so I didn’t acknowledge Zeus and my caution seemed to be well regarded as he didn’t look at me at all. I was working shoulders that day.
However, towards the end of my workout, through the reflection of the mirrors I saw his girlfriend crouching on the ground as if she was resting. She was behind one of the building’s large support pillars. They are big enough to obfuscate anyone who stands beside them from anyone on the opposing side of the room. I did not pay attention to where Zeus was at the moment.
I thought it odd that she was just crouching there. Perhaps she was resting, but that’s not exactly the most relaxing position. I continued my dumbbell shoulder presses.
I was going for reps and well into my long set, I felt a stare on me. I looked away from my reflection and eventually saw where it was coming from—the girlfriend was looking at me through the mirror—intensely, and she looked depressed.
I figured it was just me or an effect of the mirror—I was in her way. I looked again however, and her pupils confirmed that she was looking at me. After returning her stare, I expected her to break it off. She didn’t, and I went back to my reflection and still felt her stare. After a few more reps, I looked back—she was still just staring at me—with the same intensity and that same troubled look.
I didn’t know what to do. I kept looking at her, and she just continued staring. She won. I broke it off. I did finish my set however. I resigned myself to tuning her out because I realized that crouched in that position—no one was really going to see her so she had no incentive to break if off. The gym is fairly large. She had picked a good spot. Weird.
Other times I have seen her around, I’ve tried to smile at her or something—but she like Zeus is always barreling towards a destination. The few times she has looked at me after I look at her, she smirks. I don’t get it. I think I’ll call her Hera.
Yesterday, they both came in towards the end of my workout. I noticed because I saw a large figure coming my way. When I looked up and saw him looking at me, he pivoted brusquely and walked in the opposite direction. He was not nearby, he didn’t have to turn away to avoid me.
A few minutes later he started to set up along the same wall as me but as far away as possible. I was doing lateral raises. I felt a stare on me again. I knew where he was so I abruptly looked right at him—he was again staring right at me. He looked away hard, and seemed to continue with adjusting his weight belt. I couldn’t help it—I just laughed and smiled to myself.
He’s really good about hiding his stares. Recently however, I have caught him staring at me rather overtly—the best was while I was doing pushups and he apparently was glaring at my ass ;) But on this day in particular he was slipping big time—and his girlfriend was in the fucken room. Still, the times when we might have conversed, he seems to get immediately overly-interested in something else and practically ignores me.
He’s usually with her or surrounded by groupies nowadays too. I will have to find a time when that is not the case—and just fucken find out what the hell is up. Sunday late afternoons apparently seem to be good times.
As I was leaving the gym, Asian Boy was just arriving. I looked at him, surprised—and yet disappointed that I was leaving. My expression said it all—it was the pathetic giveaway of a crush. He was prepared—b/c he didn’t flinch. All he said was—You worked out already?
I didn’t know what to say—I also just wanted to eat him with my eyes. Finally, I just said—I have to work later today. Then he nodded and started walking again. I love his pink curvy plumped lips.
I didn’t expect his response. It was cute. He likes being at the gym at the same time as me. I have to ask him to workout with me. Doing so will doom my workouts—oh well.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
The Anatomy of a Mancrush: a Repost
This subject has been nagging my mind for a while....
The Anatomy of a Man-Crush
by Josh Bacott 3/24/2005
Have you ever wondered what it’s like for Dick Vitale to sit courtside at a Duke basketball game?
Sure, the atmosphere is normally electric, with thousands of students jumping around and screaming like maniacs, and he gets to sit within spitting distance of some of the best college basketball players in the nation, but for Vitale is seems like there’s more to it than that. When inside Cameron Indoor Stadium, Dickie V. gets to sit a mere ten feet away from the one man he can’t get close enough to, Coach K.
For most announcers this would be nothing more than a formality, a side effect of the profession they have chosen. But for Vitale it seems like, when it comes to Krzyzewski, there’s just a touch of something more. It’s like prom night for Dickie V.
Why?
Could it be that the announcer just really appreciates the legendary program that Coach K has built in Durham? Perhaps, but I think it’s a little more complex than that.
In my opinion, Vitale has simply fallen victim to a rare and mysterious condition that afflicts a small minority of men around the country. It is a virulent strain of a common issue most have dealt with on some level.
Dick Vitale has a man-crush.
It’s not sexual in any way, it’s just that his appreciation of Coach K is a hair above acceptable levels when it comes to a sports figure. When you take a platonic appreciation of another man, add an unhealthy desire to be around and talk about that person and you throw in a touch of obsession - you have a standard issue man-crush.
Surprisingly, the sports world is a breeding ground for man-crushes. Players compete at the highest level and the men who follow them fall into subconscious fixations with their subjects.
Vitale is only one example. His overwhelming fascination with the Duke coach is borderline obsessive. The Dukies and their leader never stray far from his mind or his rants. Whenever the Blue Devils play an important home game in the ACC, Dickie V. is certain to be courtside. He wouldn’t miss his man for anything. I have to believe that the only thing keeping him from showing up at the press row dressed in his throwback Alaa Abdelnaby jersey is ESPN dress code.
He isn’t the only one.
Another announcer who has reached the pinnacle of his profession has let puppy love get the best of him. He’s showed that even the gruff world of professional football can be subject to the man-crush.
John Madden is the top color man in all of football. He has become an icon of the game, the namesake of the most influential sports video game in history, as well as the man the nation turns to for advice on the treatment of foot fungus. But he isn’t above a harmless crush.
When it comes to Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame quarterback, Madden is like a 300-lb school girl. Brett makes his heart flutter. Watching him throw that football down field and then flash that smile - Madden is smitten.
Madden’s Favre obsession is evident every time Brett plays on Monday Night Football, when the announcer openly gushes about him and makes it clear that the QB is above criticism. He does no wrong in the fluttering eyes of John Madden.
Despite the obvious flaws in Brett Favre’s game, the pension for choking in Domes, the abundance of interceptions at critical moments – Madden sees only positives. He’s blinded by adoration.
There are man-crushes everywhere you look in sports.
Pedro Gomez, the tireless reporter for ESPN, is developing a serious affection for Barry Bonds. Assigned to cover the bulking slugger, Gomez has taken the gig to another level, reporting on everything Barry does on a day-to-day basis. Gomez is a few slow days away from filing a report live from the tree in Bond’s backyard, armed with binoculars in the place of a microphone.
With Bonds flirting with the idea of taking the season off due to injuries, one has to wonder how Gomez will take the news. If ESPN threatens to take him off the Bonds beat, there’s no telling what he might do. The fine line between man-crush and "stalker" is getting closer for Pedro.
St. Louis radio personality Kevin Slaten, famous for spewing venom in all directions, has inexplicably fallen head over heals for former Rams QB Kurt Warner. This hard line critic is reduced to a mountain of mush when the topic is the grocery clerk-turned-NFL MVP. The Slaten-Warner man-crush has taken on a legendary status here in the Gateway City. Everyone knows that Slaten has a crush on Warner. Even Warner.
Other announcers spread their man-love around to multiple players. Take John Miller for example. ESPN’s lead baseball announcer isn’t smitten with one particular player, rather a type of player. He’s a polygamist man-crusher.
If you are a Latin baseball star, Miller has an eye on you. Not only is he overly appreciative of your talents, he is eyeing up the back of your jersey and practicing the proper Spanish pronunciation of your name.
When that person comes to the plate or takes the mound during a game, Miller unleashes the drawn out ethnic accent to perfection.
“On the mound tonight for the Dodgers is Odalis Pe-Rrrrrr-ez.” Never have I heard a man derive so much pleasure out of rolling his R’s. He enjoys so much it makes me a little uncomfortable to listen to.
Miller’s colleague at ESPN, Chris Berman, has developed the extremely rare self man-crush. He simply has an unnatural obsession with himself. It’s the only explanation for the jokes that continue to appear each week on NFL Primetime. It’s confirmed that no one else thinks they’re funny. One can only imagine the joy that he gets when Chris Berman meets up with Chris Berman each morning in the bathroom mirror. It’s like it was meant to be.
As Berman’s situation demonstrates, the man-crush is a versatile phenomenon. It doesn’t just afflict announcers, though we’ve seen that they are a high-risk population. On the rare occasion, it can afflict players and coaches too.
In the 90’s we had high profile relationships between Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine and John Smoltz. A three way man-crush , if you will.
Right here in St. Louis we have a head scratching union between Manager Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan, who have been attached at the hip for nearly 20 years. Who has the man-crush on who you might ask? The adoration may well be mutual.
The Houston Astros last year offer another prime example. In the offseason, they signed Andy Pettite to a long-term contract and just a few weeks later, somehow they were able to talk Roger Clemens out of retirement, using his unnatural bond with Pettite as bait.
Though they only spent a few seasons together in New York, Pettite and Clemens became fast friends and now presumably carpool to the park together and are inseparable roomies on the road. Some have made unsubstantiated claims that the two picnic together in the outfield of Minute Maid Park on off days.
Whatever the case, their relationship is not that of the average teammate. One wonders how far Clemens would have traveled to be with Pettite. If Andy would have signed with the Seibu Lions, Clemens might well be fluent in Japanese at this point.
Don’t blame Roger, though. No one is immune to the bug.
While it’s still being investigated, there is a strong chance that I, myself, developed a man-crush on my baseball hero, Kirby Puckett, as a youth. My obsession with Kirby became a little questionable at times, I’ll admit. If Kirby’s bum eye wouldn’t have forced his retirement, I might be typing this in a game worn XXXL #34 Twins jersey.
I mean, who could fault me for liking Puckett. Did you ever see him hit? He was so graceful at the plate and so dynamic in the field. And that smile……
Relapses are common as well.
The Original is here.
The Anatomy of a Man-Crush
by Josh Bacott 3/24/2005
Have you ever wondered what it’s like for Dick Vitale to sit courtside at a Duke basketball game?
Sure, the atmosphere is normally electric, with thousands of students jumping around and screaming like maniacs, and he gets to sit within spitting distance of some of the best college basketball players in the nation, but for Vitale is seems like there’s more to it than that. When inside Cameron Indoor Stadium, Dickie V. gets to sit a mere ten feet away from the one man he can’t get close enough to, Coach K.
For most announcers this would be nothing more than a formality, a side effect of the profession they have chosen. But for Vitale it seems like, when it comes to Krzyzewski, there’s just a touch of something more. It’s like prom night for Dickie V.
Why?
Could it be that the announcer just really appreciates the legendary program that Coach K has built in Durham? Perhaps, but I think it’s a little more complex than that.
In my opinion, Vitale has simply fallen victim to a rare and mysterious condition that afflicts a small minority of men around the country. It is a virulent strain of a common issue most have dealt with on some level.
Dick Vitale has a man-crush.
It’s not sexual in any way, it’s just that his appreciation of Coach K is a hair above acceptable levels when it comes to a sports figure. When you take a platonic appreciation of another man, add an unhealthy desire to be around and talk about that person and you throw in a touch of obsession - you have a standard issue man-crush.
Surprisingly, the sports world is a breeding ground for man-crushes. Players compete at the highest level and the men who follow them fall into subconscious fixations with their subjects.
Vitale is only one example. His overwhelming fascination with the Duke coach is borderline obsessive. The Dukies and their leader never stray far from his mind or his rants. Whenever the Blue Devils play an important home game in the ACC, Dickie V. is certain to be courtside. He wouldn’t miss his man for anything. I have to believe that the only thing keeping him from showing up at the press row dressed in his throwback Alaa Abdelnaby jersey is ESPN dress code.
He isn’t the only one.
Another announcer who has reached the pinnacle of his profession has let puppy love get the best of him. He’s showed that even the gruff world of professional football can be subject to the man-crush.
John Madden is the top color man in all of football. He has become an icon of the game, the namesake of the most influential sports video game in history, as well as the man the nation turns to for advice on the treatment of foot fungus. But he isn’t above a harmless crush.
When it comes to Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame quarterback, Madden is like a 300-lb school girl. Brett makes his heart flutter. Watching him throw that football down field and then flash that smile - Madden is smitten.
Madden’s Favre obsession is evident every time Brett plays on Monday Night Football, when the announcer openly gushes about him and makes it clear that the QB is above criticism. He does no wrong in the fluttering eyes of John Madden.
Despite the obvious flaws in Brett Favre’s game, the pension for choking in Domes, the abundance of interceptions at critical moments – Madden sees only positives. He’s blinded by adoration.
There are man-crushes everywhere you look in sports.
Pedro Gomez, the tireless reporter for ESPN, is developing a serious affection for Barry Bonds. Assigned to cover the bulking slugger, Gomez has taken the gig to another level, reporting on everything Barry does on a day-to-day basis. Gomez is a few slow days away from filing a report live from the tree in Bond’s backyard, armed with binoculars in the place of a microphone.
With Bonds flirting with the idea of taking the season off due to injuries, one has to wonder how Gomez will take the news. If ESPN threatens to take him off the Bonds beat, there’s no telling what he might do. The fine line between man-crush and "stalker" is getting closer for Pedro.
St. Louis radio personality Kevin Slaten, famous for spewing venom in all directions, has inexplicably fallen head over heals for former Rams QB Kurt Warner. This hard line critic is reduced to a mountain of mush when the topic is the grocery clerk-turned-NFL MVP. The Slaten-Warner man-crush has taken on a legendary status here in the Gateway City. Everyone knows that Slaten has a crush on Warner. Even Warner.
Other announcers spread their man-love around to multiple players. Take John Miller for example. ESPN’s lead baseball announcer isn’t smitten with one particular player, rather a type of player. He’s a polygamist man-crusher.
If you are a Latin baseball star, Miller has an eye on you. Not only is he overly appreciative of your talents, he is eyeing up the back of your jersey and practicing the proper Spanish pronunciation of your name.
When that person comes to the plate or takes the mound during a game, Miller unleashes the drawn out ethnic accent to perfection.
“On the mound tonight for the Dodgers is Odalis Pe-Rrrrrr-ez.” Never have I heard a man derive so much pleasure out of rolling his R’s. He enjoys so much it makes me a little uncomfortable to listen to.
Miller’s colleague at ESPN, Chris Berman, has developed the extremely rare self man-crush. He simply has an unnatural obsession with himself. It’s the only explanation for the jokes that continue to appear each week on NFL Primetime. It’s confirmed that no one else thinks they’re funny. One can only imagine the joy that he gets when Chris Berman meets up with Chris Berman each morning in the bathroom mirror. It’s like it was meant to be.
As Berman’s situation demonstrates, the man-crush is a versatile phenomenon. It doesn’t just afflict announcers, though we’ve seen that they are a high-risk population. On the rare occasion, it can afflict players and coaches too.
In the 90’s we had high profile relationships between Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine and John Smoltz. A three way man-crush , if you will.
Right here in St. Louis we have a head scratching union between Manager Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan, who have been attached at the hip for nearly 20 years. Who has the man-crush on who you might ask? The adoration may well be mutual.
The Houston Astros last year offer another prime example. In the offseason, they signed Andy Pettite to a long-term contract and just a few weeks later, somehow they were able to talk Roger Clemens out of retirement, using his unnatural bond with Pettite as bait.
Though they only spent a few seasons together in New York, Pettite and Clemens became fast friends and now presumably carpool to the park together and are inseparable roomies on the road. Some have made unsubstantiated claims that the two picnic together in the outfield of Minute Maid Park on off days.
Whatever the case, their relationship is not that of the average teammate. One wonders how far Clemens would have traveled to be with Pettite. If Andy would have signed with the Seibu Lions, Clemens might well be fluent in Japanese at this point.
Don’t blame Roger, though. No one is immune to the bug.
While it’s still being investigated, there is a strong chance that I, myself, developed a man-crush on my baseball hero, Kirby Puckett, as a youth. My obsession with Kirby became a little questionable at times, I’ll admit. If Kirby’s bum eye wouldn’t have forced his retirement, I might be typing this in a game worn XXXL #34 Twins jersey.
I mean, who could fault me for liking Puckett. Did you ever see him hit? He was so graceful at the plate and so dynamic in the field. And that smile……
Relapses are common as well.
The Original is here.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Asians Part 2
So I got inspired by Single Guy's cool pic and decided to be a bit more forward with Asian guy... I had been sort of not been very talkative with him lately. To some extent, I have done so as to overwhelm him not with gay vibes.
I told myself---1. he's an undergrad (they're lost and confused... don't know what the hell they want) 2. he's asian and comes from a tight family (neither they nor he will be cool with breaking convention) 3. he has a fan club of girls (and guys) who think he's gorgeous, so he must have a girl friend.
So I did as any good stalker does and I checked his myspace account. Unlike every insecure male undergrad at my school--he did not include his orientation. Wierd. He's single--sort of wierd for a super hot, apparently traditionally and family oriented male. These findings didn't help one fucken bit. They only make my confusion worst.
Yesterday at the gym he came in briefly to do some shoulder work. So freagin hot... I ended up heading for one of the machines near the door right as he was going to leave out the door. As he turned towards the door, I saw that he was smirking to himself--but he didn't say hi. He's done this sort of thing before and it reminded me of something a couple of other guys whom I came to befriend at school did too. Mancrushing, confused, teasing, insecure, yet cocky and flirty boys--I hated them for it. Fuck no... not again. So I wrote him off.
Then I saw the above pic... and thought--what if he's different from the others? Or what if I've mis-reasoned something? Fuck not wanting to overwhelm with gay vibes. I'll be myself--and just not overwhelm him, but definitely let him know that if he were to be cool with it--I'd be all over him.
So today we're both at the gym again. And again he basically ignores me. I was about to write him off when I remembered that some of the guys I have been most into, I couldn't say a fucken word to and even went so far as to ignore b/c I was so damned scared. I was even rude to some of them. I still remembered the day I first spoke to Asian boy and his expression. So I made myself continue.
He was doing situps--fuck he looked good in sleeveless top. I started stretching next to him. He ignored me and seemed to be really concentrating on those sit ups. So I called out to him. He didn't respond. I did so again. And again. Finally, he stopped and turned around to look at me. I smiled and told him to keep going, so he did, and then I just asked him where he was from. He told me the list of cities in which he had lived. He had lived in my home state for a time. Then, I asked what country his family was from. Turns out one of my best friends is from the same asian country as his parents.
I said hello in their language. He responded back--but sort of serious. Then he smiled, and said that I spoke it well. I smiled, and said that my friend had worked hard at teaching me some of the language. Then I said thank you in his language. And he said, that's pretty good. I said--I at least wanted to know enough to order ... and then I named of the dishes of his country. He smiled.
He then said that he thought he had told me where he was from. He said he thought he had told me that he had lived in this city--which was close by to my home town. He looked sort of freaked. I couldn't tell exactly why... yet. Then he sort of got surprised/excited but was still scared and said... I think I told you this already. We talked about this and u told me where u from, he said. I looked at him quizically--we have??? Because we REALLY had not. I knew where he was from b/c I had checked myspace... but we hadn't had this conversation. Odd.
Then he asked me exactly from which part of the town I was from... I didn't like saying exactly the part of town I was from... so I just alluded to it. He understood me, and nodded, and said, its nice around there. I like it a lot. We got into a big conversation.
I said I missed it alot. He said he had been there this past summer. I said cool--where? and to do what?
He said he had friends at a nearby university, the one to which one of my bros was at. More commonalities... more nervous smiles.... more attempting to elongate the conversation.
He stood up mid-way through it all, but I was still stretching on the ground. His shoulders were SOOO wide, his delts so defined and round. When he spoke and moved his shoulder, his upper body would break into the separate muscle groups. He noticed that something was distracting me... but he didn't catch on to what exactly.
The conversation died down... we were both looking for more commonalities. We weren't good at just letting the conversation flow... and we were sort of in the middle of sets... we both tend to stretch or do ab work or something in between them.
I think he doesn't know what to do with me. He's attracted to me... but perhaps its a mancrush and nothing sexual at all. I hate those--they are the most fucken confusing ordeals of all time. I could fucken write a compendium of on situations.
It seems that some straight guys think I'm really cool--and for some stupid reason need me to say it to their faces that I DO MEN TOO. They have no gaydar to speak of and can't figure it out based on other clues that others find obviously indicative. I'm not a flamer--but I'm not totally undetectable either.
Still, I hope to continue getting to know this dude. I wanted to stop altogether with it b/c I didn't want to go end up in a friendship where I like him and he was straight.
I have to break the ice with him. Find a way to get him to be comfortable around me. Otherwise, shit will go like this for way too long. I'm excited though--thanks Single Guy for the cool pic.
I told myself---1. he's an undergrad (they're lost and confused... don't know what the hell they want) 2. he's asian and comes from a tight family (neither they nor he will be cool with breaking convention) 3. he has a fan club of girls (and guys) who think he's gorgeous, so he must have a girl friend.
So I did as any good stalker does and I checked his myspace account. Unlike every insecure male undergrad at my school--he did not include his orientation. Wierd. He's single--sort of wierd for a super hot, apparently traditionally and family oriented male. These findings didn't help one fucken bit. They only make my confusion worst.
Yesterday at the gym he came in briefly to do some shoulder work. So freagin hot... I ended up heading for one of the machines near the door right as he was going to leave out the door. As he turned towards the door, I saw that he was smirking to himself--but he didn't say hi. He's done this sort of thing before and it reminded me of something a couple of other guys whom I came to befriend at school did too. Mancrushing, confused, teasing, insecure, yet cocky and flirty boys--I hated them for it. Fuck no... not again. So I wrote him off.
Then I saw the above pic... and thought--what if he's different from the others? Or what if I've mis-reasoned something? Fuck not wanting to overwhelm with gay vibes. I'll be myself--and just not overwhelm him, but definitely let him know that if he were to be cool with it--I'd be all over him.
So today we're both at the gym again. And again he basically ignores me. I was about to write him off when I remembered that some of the guys I have been most into, I couldn't say a fucken word to and even went so far as to ignore b/c I was so damned scared. I was even rude to some of them. I still remembered the day I first spoke to Asian boy and his expression. So I made myself continue.
He was doing situps--fuck he looked good in sleeveless top. I started stretching next to him. He ignored me and seemed to be really concentrating on those sit ups. So I called out to him. He didn't respond. I did so again. And again. Finally, he stopped and turned around to look at me. I smiled and told him to keep going, so he did, and then I just asked him where he was from. He told me the list of cities in which he had lived. He had lived in my home state for a time. Then, I asked what country his family was from. Turns out one of my best friends is from the same asian country as his parents.
I said hello in their language. He responded back--but sort of serious. Then he smiled, and said that I spoke it well. I smiled, and said that my friend had worked hard at teaching me some of the language. Then I said thank you in his language. And he said, that's pretty good. I said--I at least wanted to know enough to order ... and then I named of the dishes of his country. He smiled.
He then said that he thought he had told me where he was from. He said he thought he had told me that he had lived in this city--which was close by to my home town. He looked sort of freaked. I couldn't tell exactly why... yet. Then he sort of got surprised/excited but was still scared and said... I think I told you this already. We talked about this and u told me where u from, he said. I looked at him quizically--we have??? Because we REALLY had not. I knew where he was from b/c I had checked myspace... but we hadn't had this conversation. Odd.
Then he asked me exactly from which part of the town I was from... I didn't like saying exactly the part of town I was from... so I just alluded to it. He understood me, and nodded, and said, its nice around there. I like it a lot. We got into a big conversation.
I said I missed it alot. He said he had been there this past summer. I said cool--where? and to do what?
He said he had friends at a nearby university, the one to which one of my bros was at. More commonalities... more nervous smiles.... more attempting to elongate the conversation.
He stood up mid-way through it all, but I was still stretching on the ground. His shoulders were SOOO wide, his delts so defined and round. When he spoke and moved his shoulder, his upper body would break into the separate muscle groups. He noticed that something was distracting me... but he didn't catch on to what exactly.
The conversation died down... we were both looking for more commonalities. We weren't good at just letting the conversation flow... and we were sort of in the middle of sets... we both tend to stretch or do ab work or something in between them.
I think he doesn't know what to do with me. He's attracted to me... but perhaps its a mancrush and nothing sexual at all. I hate those--they are the most fucken confusing ordeals of all time. I could fucken write a compendium of on situations.
It seems that some straight guys think I'm really cool--and for some stupid reason need me to say it to their faces that I DO MEN TOO. They have no gaydar to speak of and can't figure it out based on other clues that others find obviously indicative. I'm not a flamer--but I'm not totally undetectable either.
Still, I hope to continue getting to know this dude. I wanted to stop altogether with it b/c I didn't want to go end up in a friendship where I like him and he was straight.
I have to break the ice with him. Find a way to get him to be comfortable around me. Otherwise, shit will go like this for way too long. I'm excited though--thanks Single Guy for the cool pic.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Jonathan and Martha Kent
Everyone should have a Kent couple in life--those older-than-you perpetual pillars of morality and unconditional love.
I met mine during my first year in college. I randomly decided to go to a church and met them--he was the pastor and she was the pastor's wife. I'll call them Mr. and Mrs. Kent.
At first I didn't like them at all. They seemed too perfect and clearly thus hypocritical. But I got to know them a bit at a time, and I liked them better than the students of my school.
When I first heard that Mr. Kent had gone to school at a peer institution, I knew I had to get to know him. Schools like his and mine were known for breeding careerist, pre-professional assholes. You really aren't supposed to go such a school unless you are one. Moreover, if you are not one upon entering, you will likely become one by the time you leave.
However, Mr. Kent headed a small and by most standards an insigfnicant little church. He didn't seem to participate in the the status-whoring that went on amongst most alumni. The name of his school alone could carry him nearly anywhere he would have wanted to go in life. His perspective on life was definitely not conventional.
During my first conversation with him I realized he was brilliant. He grew up modest if not down-right poor and had truly earned his way into his alma mater. His work-ethic was unbelievable and he was in every sense of the word a recovering workaholic.
Like the Jonathan and Martha Kent of the comic-book series--this couple could also not bear children. Ironically, they instead headed a church adjacent to a college campus with many students away from home for the first time. The situation was a kind of ironic twist of fate. They were collegiate surrogate parents.
While the Kents are very conservative in many of their views, they are also very progressive in others. They don't necessarily fit a mold. As a result, the non-student congregation members eventually did not agree with them and they were dismissed.
They moved to a different and similar area by another college campus. But I kept in touch with them, and called them for a long while very often.
Eventually, I changed a great deal and I felt that my views were growing apart from theirs. Although I stopped calling them, they were scarcely out of my mind.
Rarely had I ever met people with such beautiful resignation. They accepted life as it came--they were not restless for something they did not have. They were so content and enjoyed life as it was. If a winter was rough and they didn't have too much money--they just somehow enjoyed what there was to enjoy about a winter. They undertook every season in that way. If they suffered a major disappointment in life, they just mourned it and then they would let it go--it didn't trouble them afterwards.
Mr. Kent pursued many intellectual endeavors regardless of whether they would bring him recognition or not. One of his projects may very well fundamentally change his field--however, he had been pursuing it before that became clear. His project picked up a great deal of attention the years following his dismissal from the church where I met him--however, his approach to his work remained the same.
I can't but admire that. I don't understand that. It is something beyond my present maturity. It is only something that I can hope for one day--to truly express selflessness. Not to emulate it or to attempt to artificially create it, but to truly be it.
I feel safer in loving them than I do most people, because they will not take love and misuse or abuse it. In that sense, they offer a sort of epitome of a home--a place where the ids and the egos of the world cannot enter to eat away at the good things of the heart.
I haven't called them in a very long time. But recently, I had a host of questions gnawing away at my mind and heart. So I began sending Mr. Kent these long e-mails. He responded to each of them in detail and at the necessary length. Few people have the patience or the dedication to follow my philosophy. Mr. Kent has a remarkably dexterous and uberly keen mind that can mince through my questions at a near instantaneous pace.
I couldn't have gotten more lucky.
Yesterday, amongst the many calls I placed was one at their home. They were however organizing a funeral (more irony) for someone who I thought was rather young to have passed away.
This morning Mr. Kent sent me an e-mail saying that he hoped we would speak soon. He added that Mrs. Kent somehow knew that I was going to call.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Selfish
I made a huge discovery today. I've been lonely for a long time. Much of my isolation has been intentional--and I thought that it was therefore okay.
Recently, I've even isolated myself from even my closest friends--including the few people whom I love the most.
Part of that has also been because my people have been going through rough shit. But today, in speaking again with the same sister from my last post, I made a huge realization.
She told me about a friend of hers. I sort of picked up the signals and said to her--he might commit suicide soon. My sister freaked out. I kinda freaked out too. But I couldn't help but say the truth. I spelled it out--the signs were compelling. She got really upset--really upset. We had a big discussion. Apparently she had been reluctant to call him recently. He brought up old issues in her with which she didn't want to deal. She still didn't want to deal and so still didn't want to call him.
She wrestled with herself. My mind couldn't get off the fact that this kid's life was at high risk. Many of those in my circle or in the circle of friends of this sister have died recently--some were suicides. Too many funeral have been recently attended. The memories are still fresh.
I said--okay, you're not at a point in life where you can call this kid up. I asked about their other mutual friends. She listed off reasons why many haven't called him recently. One reason stood out too me--all were selfish reasons, every single fucken one.
So I asked for some phone numbers and said I would try and figure something out. I said I knew that what I could do was clearly limited but that something needed to be done. She told me I couldn't just call people up and say this shit. I said I wouldn't but that my conscience compelled me to take some action or else I would feel wierd if something bad were to happen. We got off the phone.
I made the phone call. All turned out well, and I ended up talking to a friend I haven't spoken to in forever. To break the ice, I just asked--how are you? The experience was incredibly refreshing. I am ashamed to write this.
Suddenly, the realization dawned on me--why don't I just call up my many acquaintances and friends to say--how are you? I gnawed on that thought for a bit--straight through my workout. I realized that I just made excuses about not calling all of them but all of these excuses were basically regurgitated selfish reasons. Like--they offended me the last time I spoke to them. Or, they didn't express interest any more in this particular endeavor we once shared.
During my workout--the gorgeous Asian boy I wrote about here before showed up. I was in lust heaven and wanted to talk to him so badly. I did and also realized that he likes me too--while the sexual component has yet to be ascertained--he likes talking and running into me.
As I worked out, I started to plan out how I might befriend this guy, and eventually either date him or at least have a roll in the hay with him. Since talking to him last, I had gotten to know a great deal about him--a luxury when you go to a school with a relatively manageable population--background checks are almost automatic. He went to a high school and came from a family similar to mine. We shared some other important commonalities. The discrepancy in my previous thoughts to the gym experience was intense.
As I planned--I realized something about how I do relationships--self-interest. While self-interest is perhaps the rule for work and school related matters--I apparently had transported the rule to my personal life as well--utter evilness, incarnate.
I couldn't believe it. I did all the mental checks in my head--I was right on the money--I was a fucken selfish bastard. I only expressed interest in people who could meet some need of mine.
I went through my phone book on the spot and started randomly calling acquintances and friends. Many were shocked to hear from me--but didn't say so. I just said--how are you? And out rolled the stories of their lives. I didn't talk to much about myself--I made it a point.
Suddenly shit changed. It didn't matter if people were far away from me or if we didn't have some dumb professional reason to be around each other--caring for others was just a fucken good break from my utterly self-absorbed life. Still a selfish matter but in a selfless way.
I called all these random people up. It was great. And now I know how to be a better human being--avoid sheer self-interest. I'll call people just because and expect nothing in return.
Recently, I've even isolated myself from even my closest friends--including the few people whom I love the most.
Part of that has also been because my people have been going through rough shit. But today, in speaking again with the same sister from my last post, I made a huge realization.
She told me about a friend of hers. I sort of picked up the signals and said to her--he might commit suicide soon. My sister freaked out. I kinda freaked out too. But I couldn't help but say the truth. I spelled it out--the signs were compelling. She got really upset--really upset. We had a big discussion. Apparently she had been reluctant to call him recently. He brought up old issues in her with which she didn't want to deal. She still didn't want to deal and so still didn't want to call him.
She wrestled with herself. My mind couldn't get off the fact that this kid's life was at high risk. Many of those in my circle or in the circle of friends of this sister have died recently--some were suicides. Too many funeral have been recently attended. The memories are still fresh.
I said--okay, you're not at a point in life where you can call this kid up. I asked about their other mutual friends. She listed off reasons why many haven't called him recently. One reason stood out too me--all were selfish reasons, every single fucken one.
So I asked for some phone numbers and said I would try and figure something out. I said I knew that what I could do was clearly limited but that something needed to be done. She told me I couldn't just call people up and say this shit. I said I wouldn't but that my conscience compelled me to take some action or else I would feel wierd if something bad were to happen. We got off the phone.
I made the phone call. All turned out well, and I ended up talking to a friend I haven't spoken to in forever. To break the ice, I just asked--how are you? The experience was incredibly refreshing. I am ashamed to write this.
Suddenly, the realization dawned on me--why don't I just call up my many acquaintances and friends to say--how are you? I gnawed on that thought for a bit--straight through my workout. I realized that I just made excuses about not calling all of them but all of these excuses were basically regurgitated selfish reasons. Like--they offended me the last time I spoke to them. Or, they didn't express interest any more in this particular endeavor we once shared.
During my workout--the gorgeous Asian boy I wrote about here before showed up. I was in lust heaven and wanted to talk to him so badly. I did and also realized that he likes me too--while the sexual component has yet to be ascertained--he likes talking and running into me.
As I worked out, I started to plan out how I might befriend this guy, and eventually either date him or at least have a roll in the hay with him. Since talking to him last, I had gotten to know a great deal about him--a luxury when you go to a school with a relatively manageable population--background checks are almost automatic. He went to a high school and came from a family similar to mine. We shared some other important commonalities. The discrepancy in my previous thoughts to the gym experience was intense.
As I planned--I realized something about how I do relationships--self-interest. While self-interest is perhaps the rule for work and school related matters--I apparently had transported the rule to my personal life as well--utter evilness, incarnate.
I couldn't believe it. I did all the mental checks in my head--I was right on the money--I was a fucken selfish bastard. I only expressed interest in people who could meet some need of mine.
I went through my phone book on the spot and started randomly calling acquintances and friends. Many were shocked to hear from me--but didn't say so. I just said--how are you? And out rolled the stories of their lives. I didn't talk to much about myself--I made it a point.
Suddenly shit changed. It didn't matter if people were far away from me or if we didn't have some dumb professional reason to be around each other--caring for others was just a fucken good break from my utterly self-absorbed life. Still a selfish matter but in a selfless way.
I called all these random people up. It was great. And now I know how to be a better human being--avoid sheer self-interest. I'll call people just because and expect nothing in return.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
To know All...
... is to Forgive All--said one great thinker.
I had a conversation with one of my sister's today. She's been out of sync with herself for a while. I sort of suspected it, but didn't realize how major her deal was.
I love my sister so much--she's like fucken extreme. Workaholic but when it comes to being--uberly chill.
She mentioned that she didn't have time to really live this past month and her workload just took a serious step up. She told me about how well her work is going and how she has some excellent new ideas that will blow away the competition. I told her to go for it.
But then, almost out of no where, she confessed that she is having random thoughts about the past on which she doesn't let herself dwell--b/c she just has too much to do. I just kept listening, and eventually the truth surfaced.
She feels guilty. Guilty about her actions with our parents.
I thought that yesterday's post was ironic. She said she didn't know when she would return to our family. As of now, she didn't think it would ever happen. But she couldn't get over it still.
I told her she would when she had forgiven--not just them, but herself. She wouldn't be able to forgive until she understood that they are in her and she is in them. She had to understand that we were one--b/c we are Human. She would forgive when she understood what our parents went through and why they did what they did. She would do so only when she understood herself enough to have mercy on herself and forgive herself. To face oneself honestly so as to know oneself honestly will eventually allow self-understanding and self-mercy. A disaster understood becomes a tragedy, which by definition breeds mercy.
She told me that a friend of hers was teasing her the other day because she didn't have a man. I said I lauded her for it. She asked why. I said because she didn't give into the pressure of having to have someone. She said it was just because no one could put up with her. I said it was because she refused to be fake. She said being fake is miserable. I said being real is miserable too. The only difference in the latter is that it gets you somewhere. Reality may hurt but it advances your existence. Falsity may make it temporarily palatable, but it'll never actually help you evolve.
She was silent. She said she couldn't talk about these things much longer and still do work tonight. I got annoyed, because I also wanted to talk about this. But, I have a lot to do too. Aren't distractions the best? He he... just kidding.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Unlikely Chatting Buddies
I've been talking more and more to my parents lately. I did not expect me doing so. I went through a serious phase of hating my parents, during which times I scarcely ever spoke to them. Somewhere along the way, I don't know why, I realized not only that they were human, but also how different their circumstances were from mine when they were my age. A huge gulf stood between them and me in terms of experience.
They're struggle was so hard, that I began to realize it kept them from ever being truly able to see past it. All their flaws I realized were just scars. They weren't problems, they were just overhealed peices of themselves. I admire them now greatly. In a single generation, both of my parents climbed from the bottom to the upper parts of society. However, nothing comes without its price.
Both of them have such extraordinarily strong personalities. They are both such extremes. They are both such opposites. I don't understand how they ever came together. Though opposites attract, a strong common ground is necessary to make the attraction feasible. It wasn't so for my parents.
Three things were certain--my father was brilliant, my mother was beautiful, and neither knew how to accept themselves. The battles my father fought in his career were later shown to be near impossible victories. Though the odds looked bleak at the time, with the evidence that surfaced later, his accomplishments seemed even more unlikely. But, my dad is an asshole. There is no doubt about it. He grew up being street-smart and had the hardest time growing out of it. He never knew when to let his gaurd down--prolly b/c after he was like 3 he figured he could not afford to do so.
I remember the first time my father opened up to me. It was at a random coffee shop in one of my favorite parts of the city. I was a vagabound running from my family and spending their money. My father, however, desperate to show his love and yet unable to speak its language, agreed to meet me there despite his tiredness and the long drive to get there.
We sat there and I don't know what came over him, but he started to tell me how he first dealt with the difficulties of being him. Men are taught never to complain and my father learned this lesson well. However, he wasn't still really complaining. He was just telling me how tough it was for him to make decisions that regardless of his choice would make large amounts of people's lives much more difficult. He told me how after those lose-lose situations he would lock himself in a room and find something to physically beat and destroy.
I never realized how tough real lose-lose situations were. But when he finished telling me, I realized I'd probably want to lock myself in a room too and do the same. It showed me that my father had a heart--he just often needed to burry it in order to get the job done. There was something different about my father that night too. He was humble. I could tell that the cocky attitude of being the shit was wearing off... he was getting older and starting to accept himself by default if not as a virtue of his personality.
It was at a different time--while having dinner at his favorite restaurant--when I realized that my father always felt the need to impress me. He was insecure--he didn't know just how crazy talented I thought he was and how intimidated I was by his past successes. I think because I learned from a young age never to let anyone believe that they have impressed you.
My mother was likewise cluelss about dealing with her self. She gave up her career shortly after we were born to raise the family. I think often--my mother's looks defined large parts of her life, but she didn't realize it. She was the only girl in her large family, and had always been a tom boy. She always got along better with guys. She hated women, and women often seemed to hate her. She had the personality that most guy's found appealing in a girl--however, not the personality of a girl that a guy would marry--and she was also beautiful.
Some of my earliest memories were of my mom being approached despite the fact that she was with her kid. It seemed that some people would freak-out over her. I remember this one guy just felt so compelled to say something to her. He was very large and just unbelievably taken by her. I remember the oddity of this large dude tied up in knots in telling her what he was thinking. I got scared. It was somehow disturbing... I guess there's a psychological explanation to it... It was just weird to be around when my mother was being sexualized by another man. I am surprised that her being with me did not deter him or others.
One of the most confusing memories was when my mom foresaw two guys trying to pick her up. We were at my favorite store but she abruptly wanted to leave. Then one of the guys offered to buy the toy with which I was playing. My mother got so upset, but tried to do so without giving away her suspicion--she was too timid. Two guys???
I remember the expression on the faces of these two guys. The knowing smiles they gave to her, and how disturbed she was by the whole scenario. I remember the duality that characertized their interactions with her. To this day, I don't understand how something like that could've happened. I think my mother exuded--helplessness. We left and I was upset. My mother was just not assertive in any way. I threw a temper tantrum while leaving. I don't think it was because I was forced to leave my favorite store. Instead, I was upset because I didn't know what was going on and I wanted someone to explain. I probably did know and was just deeply perturbed. We went home via a different route. Such things seemed to happen to my mom a good bit.
When I got older, these incidents stopped. Although on random occasions--people would comment. For some reason, people also didn't feel too comfortable saying it because they could tell my mother was awkward about it. I think I definitely inherited that part of her.
Today, with all the kids out of the house, she still gets approached despite the fact that she's not young anymore. Even at work, her coworkers--younger ones--fall for her in serious ways and she has to control the damage. Ridiculous considering her age.
I'm fascinated by what is good and evil, beautiful and ugly, and the process by which good/beauty are transformed into evil/ugliness and vice versa. I would call such a process--redemptive tragedy. My parents to me are quite an example of how their strengths or weaknesses could bring them good or evil. In the end, it has been their will to continue with life and to have faith in it that allows them to get past the tragedies and to reach redemption. I hope I can do the same.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Hotness
aesthete
aesthete ɛ - [es-theet or, especially Brit., ees-]
noun
1. a person who has or professes to have refined sensitivity toward the beauties of art or nature.
2. a person who affects great love of art, music, poetry, etc., and indifference to practical matters.
es·thete (s
th
t) - [Origin: 1880–85; <>aisthēt
s one who perceives, equiv. to aisthē- (var. s. of aisthánesthai to perceive) + -tēs n. suffix denoting agent]
noun
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
aes·thete or es·thete (stht)
n.
1. One who cultivates an unusually high sensitivity to beauty, as in art or nature.
2. One whose pursuit and admiration of beauty is regarded as excessive or affected.
[Back-formation from aesthetic.]
Beauty
Beauty is a value associated with an innate and emotional perception of life's affirmative and meaningful aspects within objects in the perceived world – e.g. vitality, fertility, health, happiness, goodness, and love. Cognition of "beauty" involves the interpretation of objects as being in balance and harmony with nature, which in turn elicits a sense and experience of attraction, affection, and pleasure.
In its most profound sense, beauty is said to engender a salient experience of positive reflection with regard to the meaning of one's own being within natural life. An "object of beauty" may be anything that reveals or resonates with a personal meaning. Hence religious and moral teachings have often focused on the divinity and virtue of beauty, to assert natural beauty as an aspect of a spiritual beauty (e.g. truth) and to define all self-centered or materialistic pretensions as based in ignorance. The ancient story of Narcissus for example, deals with the distinction between recognizing beauty and falling into vanity. The presence of the self in any human context means that beauty is naturally tied to its human meaning, wherein human beauty is often the dominant aspect of a greater natural beauty. Otherwise, objects can be defined as belonging to any of various types, such as "artificial," or "intellectual" beauty.
In the modern context, the usage of beauty as means to promote an ideology or dogma has been a focus of societal debates which center around issues of prejudice, ethics, and human rights. The usage of beauty for purposes of commercialism is a controversial aspect of the "culture wars," wherein feminism typically claims such usage promotes a dogmatic (e.g. "The Beauty Myth") rather than a virtuous understanding of beauty. The literal opposite of beauty is ugliness – i.e. the perceived lack of beauty, which stimulates displeasure and engenders a deeper negative perception of the object.
Reaction: I sort of wonder why I haven't yet tired of superficiality. I remember dating a guy once just because he was incredibly beautiful. Three of my closest friends got fed up with me because I was so into him. He and I could scarcely hold a conversation. My friends said--you'll get bored of him soon enough.
We slept together for a while, and after a week of doing so, I remember waking to him in the morning brushing his teeth. His back and his ass were so incredibly beautiful and flawless. I simply thought-I don't think I would ever tire of this. I think I can do this for at least ten years. The relationship ended. However, not becaause I got bored of getting hard everytime I saw him.
When I was in preschool, the assignments would often consist of coloring-in some picture. I remember the first time I brought mine back. I was called by a few of the staff members to speak with them. I thought I was in trouble. They were upset because I had not done my own assignment. They said that I shouldn't have brought back a coloring done by my parents. I said I had done it. I told them my parents did not have time to color. After a little discussion, they realized I was not lying, and then they sort of just looked at each other and at my coloring quizically.
While aestheticism is apparently not easily tired, I know vanity is. I hope the latter wears out quick. Like in the above Wikipedia excerpt, they do seem to be in some way inimical.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
My Roommate--the Casanova
I don't know how he does it. Its not like its a girl per week. He has several per week--and many on a consistent basis. Two days ago, he ended a three day streak with one. Last night, a different one showed up.
When I first moved in here, the first chick I saw was visiting him from out of state I had figured was his girlfriend. I saw them holding hands. After she left, he got somewhat upset and made clear to me that she wasn't his girlfriend. He had told me prior however that he did have A girlfriend.
He's a decent looking guy--but he's not like the BEST looking guy. Likewise, the girls are not knock-outs, but they aren't bad looking either. He also doesn't seem to be the most charming guy ever . Perhaps he is with them. I'm guessing he has a dick the size of my forearm or something.
Today he left on a trip with one of them. I have the place all to myself.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Asians
Man can they be so FUCKEN FINE! A new dude showed up at the gym this fall. He caught my attention b/c right away I noticed that he was rather tall--about 6ft, and had an insanely banging body.
Its not overly buffed out or anything like that. Its all about the proportions and just the way this guy is put together. He's a true mesomorph--except taller. All his muscle bellies are full yet elongated. He's got fucken doorwide shoulders and a big chest thats not overly done. Its big and large on his torso--but it reaches it best point on the upper half. Its fucken hot.
His arms look perfectly smooth and sculpted until he fucken lifts--they break out into striations. His skin is not generically pale--but a true ivory color--like cream of wheat. His waist, I still haven't been able to aproximate cuz it never shows up. His ass is there though and so is his shapely back, rear delts, and plump calves. His face is nothing special--its just masculine and cute. No overly pretty this or striking features there. Just a nice squarish jaw and bright eyes.
He has an innocent and troubled look as he paces the gym. He wears clothes that let you know he's a stud, but leaves plenty to the imagination--he's not a ho. But he's there everyday--EVERYday. I only know b/c I am too ;)
The first time I talked to him, I noticed the unexpected excitement in his smile. But, I didn't know if this guy plays on my team or what, so I just kept my cool and pretended to not notice and went with the flow. I just asked how many more sets he had. I figured out a way for both of us to do our excercise without having to change shit--he smiled big again. He's also always alone at the gym.
We've had small talk several times now. He's shy and doesn't know when its okay to talk to me. So I've taken the lead. He's 3yrs my jr and I don't know anyone who knows him.
I saw him again today but didn't think he had seen me. I thought I would sneak up on him behind and say hi. But just as I got within range, he whipped around and said hi--like he knew I was there.
I hate playing these stupid guessing games. He has that "otherness" to his smile whenever he sees me. Its a bit too intense for polite or friendly small talk--regardless of how agreeable the other person is. I don't know what it is... I just know its not typical. Maybe he just wants to be friends, or maybe he wants to know what's behind my chatiness. I think its obvious. I VERY rarely talk to people at the gym, and I noticeably make exceptions for him.
I seem to always nab the confused ones with girlfriends. Prolly cuz I blare confused myself. Maybe it'll be possible for me this time to help someone out of the confusion and help myself too. My biggest fear is that something will go sour with someone I will likely have to see very often.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Zeus Part 2
I've been rather shy around him, and unfortunately so has he. I think socially awkward epitomizes people at my university. I still workout there since my job is not too far away. I may have to go elsewhere though.
I had not seen him for a while oddly enough and I was starting to warm up to the idea of just approaching him when I heard through a friend that he is actually dating the deaf girl. I just about fell over on my chair when I heard that most unexpected news.
We're both sort of overly focused when we get into the gym. Rarely do we walk around as if we're not barreling towards some destination, and our headphones are an extension of our ears. Still, that's never kept anyone from approaching each other.
Unlike me, he's very social. He downright popular. He talks to pretty much everyone. I don't know how exactly b/c like I said he's always doing something. However, I have noticed that he likes to randomly coach people through exercises.
A couple days ago, I was doing calf raises. He stood right next to me. I couldn't tell if he just staring at me, but his face was pointed right at me. No one else was around us. He stood there for a very long time. But I had to do both feet and it was for reps. I was sort of nervous. The girlfriend information really tripped me up. I guess its retarded--I have no clue what he wants. I only know that he seems to be curious about me.
I walked away, and then so did he. He went and asked someone to spot him--for squats.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)