Selfish

I made a huge discovery today. I've been lonely for a long time. Much of my isolation has been intentional--and I thought that it was therefore okay.

Recently, I've even isolated myself from even my closest friends--including the few people whom I love the most.

Part of that has also been because my people have been going through rough shit. But today, in speaking again with the same sister from my last post, I made a huge realization.

She told me about a friend of hers. I sort of picked up the signals and said to her--he might commit suicide soon. My sister freaked out. I kinda freaked out too. But I couldn't help but say the truth. I spelled it out--the signs were compelling. She got really upset--really upset. We had a big discussion. Apparently she had been reluctant to call him recently. He brought up old issues in her with which she didn't want to deal. She still didn't want to deal and so still didn't want to call him.

She wrestled with herself. My mind couldn't get off the fact that this kid's life was at high risk. Many of those in my circle or in the circle of friends of this sister have died recently--some were suicides. Too many funeral have been recently attended. The memories are still fresh.

I said--okay, you're not at a point in life where you can call this kid up. I asked about their other mutual friends. She listed off reasons why many haven't called him recently. One reason stood out too me--all were selfish reasons, every single fucken one.

So I asked for some phone numbers and said I would try and figure something out. I said I knew that what I could do was clearly limited but that something needed to be done. She told me I couldn't just call people up and say this shit. I said I wouldn't but that my conscience compelled me to take some action or else I would feel wierd if something bad were to happen. We got off the phone.

I made the phone call. All turned out well, and I ended up talking to a friend I haven't spoken to in forever. To break the ice, I just asked--how are you? The experience was incredibly refreshing. I am ashamed to write this.

Suddenly, the realization dawned on me--why don't I just call up my many acquaintances and friends to say--how are you? I gnawed on that thought for a bit--straight through my workout. I realized that I just made excuses about not calling all of them but all of these excuses were basically regurgitated selfish reasons. Like--they offended me the last time I spoke to them. Or, they didn't express interest any more in this particular endeavor we once shared.

During my workout--the gorgeous Asian boy I wrote about here before showed up. I was in lust heaven and wanted to talk to him so badly. I did and also realized that he likes me too--while the sexual component has yet to be ascertained--he likes talking and running into me.

As I worked out, I started to plan out how I might befriend this guy, and eventually either date him or at least have a roll in the hay with him. Since talking to him last, I had gotten to know a great deal about him--a luxury when you go to a school with a relatively manageable population--background checks are almost automatic. He went to a high school and came from a family similar to mine. We shared some other important commonalities. The discrepancy in my previous thoughts to the gym experience was intense.

As I planned--I realized something about how I do relationships--self-interest. While self-interest is perhaps the rule for work and school related matters--I apparently had transported the rule to my personal life as well--utter evilness, incarnate.

I couldn't believe it. I did all the mental checks in my head--I was right on the money--I was a fucken selfish bastard. I only expressed interest in people who could meet some need of mine.

I went through my phone book on the spot and started randomly calling acquintances and friends. Many were shocked to hear from me--but didn't say so. I just said--how are you? And out rolled the stories of their lives. I didn't talk to much about myself--I made it a point.

Suddenly shit changed. It didn't matter if people were far away from me or if we didn't have some dumb professional reason to be around each other--caring for others was just a fucken good break from my utterly self-absorbed life. Still a selfish matter but in a selfless way.

I called all these random people up. It was great. And now I know how to be a better human being--avoid sheer self-interest. I'll call people just because and expect nothing in return.