Knockdown

So I'm letting go of Asian Boy. I crush like a fucken 13-yr old girl. Its so bad.

The day after I tried to ask him out but failed miserably--I worked out, saw him come into the gym, but not the weight room. I must have scared him off I thought. He must be running from the homo who keeps trying to hit on him.

As I was leaving, I made random eye contact with him. It was very immediate as it was unexpected. He was just using one of the cardio machines between the weight room and the exit. He had a troubled look--anxious or something like that. But although the eye contact was somewhat intense, it was also random, quick, and he wasn't within shouting distance. So I just walked on and left.

The next day, or yesterday, I was working out as usual and he walks in. He usually ignores me until I say hi to him, so I just proceeded to do the same to him. Except this time, he came to workout near me and paused while looking at me. So I looked back, he half smiled and said hi. I did the same. He didn't seem at ease but neither did he seem anxious.

I thought--Okay, things aren't so bad. My rambling last time made my attraction to him obvious. If he was homophobic perhaps he might have just chosen to ignore me as usual. Perhaps he is also attempting to avoid having me come over to him.

I was supersetting and he was working in between my two machines. He was right about to start a set when I offered him a spot. He got caught in a long contemplation of this decision--he looked away from me, and he was thinking hard, not about the spot but b/c he knew that there was more to it. He was half way smirking but at the same time anxious. I think I'm scaring the be-jeezus out of this kid.

He says, sure. I spotted him and then proceed to my supersetting.

A couple sets later, he again stares at me, I look back, and he asks for a spot. Cool--perhaps I didn't scare him away I think to myself.

While I'm spotting him--I can see all of him. He was wearing a light nylon white tee. He's beautiful and not over buffed. He works hard, and presses the weight two reps past his max. I encourage him and then move on. He goes to a different machine. A few sets later I am again working near him. I had the option not to do so, but I picked the machine closest to him.

I noticed him struggling, so I went over and spotted him. He says thanks. I tink I'm over doing it at this point. But then he asks for another spot, and asks me to take off some weights after he reaches failure.

Later, he's doing ab work and he catches me while in between supersets and asks me if I need any spotting. I was working with machines and obviously doing high reps. So I said that I didn't need one now, but thanks. He then said he felt bad b/c I always spot him, and then says that I should ask if I need one.

I said, okay thanks. I thought about this and in retrospect, didn't think about it well. I swear my brain must become a Cuisinart whenever I am in situations where I am trying to make a move on a guy who makes me nervous--all my logic becomes tangled.

I thought--maybe he wants to workout together. We're here at the same time almost everyday--and its not pre-planned. Although we do different types of workouts, I would like to add variety to mine. One time he seemed to express some disappointment at the fact that I was leaving the gym when he was coming in--clearly he must want to workout together. I write this last sentence with retrospective sarcasm.

So I go up to him and said just that--hey, do you just want to workout together sometime?
He says, "I just said if you needed a spot, not if you wanted to workout together." Knockdown.

He smiled as he saw the stunned expression on my face and then he said, We do different things.

I said, I was just saying b/c we're here at the same time often, and I would do some of the stuff you do if I had a spotter. I just don't like slow workouts, but with a partner that wouldn't be a problem. I was pissed.

I start to put my headphones back on again, and he was still smirking a lot. I was really pissed, as I was adjusting my headphones and walking away he says, perhaps sometime later this week. I was too annoyed to even consider what he said and thought it retarded after his remark.

So I half-way turned back to him, pretended not have heard his last sentence, and said, well let me know if you do want to workout sometime. I was done with my workout, so I then left.

His response was so quick and rude. I got the sense that he had foreseen it--was thoroughly amused by that fact, and then knocked me for it without any effort to be polite about his desire to not workout together. Such were my thoughts at the moment. I didn't know what to make of his smirky comeback offer--I howeverd did know that it was vague and weak. I was also majorily high at the time on stimulants, during which times I can be very abrupt and hurried.

I was to some degree glad that at least he's amused by my chase for him, because likely he's not totally straight. Alternatively, either he is either socially retarded when it comes to guys--a possibility, or he's just taking a sadistic approach to a gay dude at the gym.

I've been majorily out of touch with my former fag hags. But, I needed someone to talk to about this who would get it quick and offer good insight.

I called one up--she asked his name. Her analysis of the situation was that he was being catty, half way in the closet, and taking the opportunity to mess with the whole idea of another guy.

Damn--she researches a million times better than me. Within a couple hours, she phones me back and apparently had found out a lot about this dude. She previously had crushed on a good friend of his and had some connections to his clique.

Her results included that he's never had a gf and several hot girls have publicly and desperately solicited his "companionship". A few of his male friends think of him in homoerotic ways and seem to be unusually vocal about it. There has been some talk that he has had male hook ups at other peer universities--its unclear whether its in jest or not. The males in quesitons however were not suspect by virtue of their attractiveness. However, the fag hag noted that no such suspicions exist about males at our campus. Some of his friends do joke that he is bisexual and that it is a "secret"--although its not the most prevalent joke.

It's not his fault--he's just young. However, I crush too hard--so in that sense I am young too. I haven't had much experience with chases where it was not certain that everyone there was gay. Plus, this guy is uberly straight-acting. Inferring this ahead of time based on mannerisms was impossible.

I have to schedule another date soon with someone out and who is normal.