Amost Over...

I wanna say that my crush is going over the hump... that it will no longer be as bad. Its already not as bad as the last time... I'm burning myself out and its a great thing!

Yesterday I saw him, and he was seemingly extraordinarily spaced out. Our workout didn't really overlap at all... so no reasons arose for us to talk.

I was going to have too pushy in starting conversation, my stimulants were kickin hard, and he looked to be in an odd mood. So I just left it alone. He left early.

Today, I said hi as soon as he arrived. He seemed to be somewhat surprised although pleasantly.

Mid-way through my workout I noticed that he was doing an exercise that I do except somewhat differently. I asked about it--in a very straight non-chalant way. He was flattered and answered my question.

We worked near each other during my last exercise.

I went took a breather and a leak, and then came back. He was resting a mid set. I sat down next to him and asked how his week was going.

He was noticeably more normal. He told me about an upcoming exam. I queried about it a bit. Then he randomly asked me about this exercise that I do everyday. When he said it, I couldn't help but smile some. So I looked away during his question, and he was a little shy in asking. For whatever its worth, he noticed.

I explained that it wasn't exactly the same exercise but that I also thought I was doing one of them wrong. I told him I was hoping to come across some article or something from which I could learn exactly how to do it.

He was sort of surprised by my answer--although that is often the expression on his face when I talk to him--for whatever reason. Prolly b/c I usually respond with someone unusual answers. My statement had been contrived--but he didn't pick on it. Unlike me, he doesn't try to only talk about what he knows. So he gave me this funny face like an unqualified person referring a friend to someone they really respect, and said, "You should ask that big guy."

I though oh shit. So I asked innocently, Which big guy? He says, You know... that ONE really really big guy--who's always here. Fuck I thought. I said---Hmm.... blank look. He says, I think he's a trainer. Me, hmm.... Point him out next time he's here. Okay, he said, I think you'll know who he is.

I don't know why I got so stupid over something else that was stupid--Zeus.

Afterwards a pause in the conversation set in. I didn't know what to say and was just enjoying his more relaxed demeanor around me. So I smiled big and friendly, and said I'll see you soon, and got up. He said, "You're done already?"

I said, "they took my machines (referring to a group of jocks), and I was near the end anway, so I thought I'd call it a day." He nodded and started his set.

I ran into a guy I knew right next to Asian boy. We chatted and this guy asked me a lot of questions about my new job. It was unexpected. So we had an involved conversation. Although Asian Boy had been sitting at the machine in between sets, he bolted afterwards. I guess he was done with that exercise.

As I was leaving, I noticed that I didn't have my keys. I looked around the parking lot but then decided to call a lock smith.

I went back one last time to check the gym.

Someone I once knew decided to stay in town after graduation as well. He had recently been hired at my company. He also chose to keep the membership at our school's gym.

He turned in a set of keys, right before I came in--they were my keys.

Once upon a time, I had been a social being--and like many in the retarded hierarchical social scapes like those of a university--I had my lackies, people who followed you around, brought you up in conversations often enough for you to hear about it through a third or fourth degree party, adopt many of your habits, take everything you say too seriously, and pretened like you can do no wrong. I dismissed the vast majority of these because I don't trust them, except for this one.

I thought he was genuinely nice--I don't know what got into me.

Somewhere along the way he took a drastic turn and decided to go alpha--that is to no longer be the lackey and to try and up me. The problem was--I to my recollection had never instituted the ranking in the first place. But as extreme as his initial view of me had set in, so did its contrary and subsequent inverse as well.

I had seen it coming a few weeks prior, so I had already set some distance. He noticed. Later he finally told me what bothered him about me and said he resented my recent aloofness.

I apologized for what he said offended him--I was as straightforward about it as he was in brining it up. Although what I did was not good, his idealization of me exaccerbated my flaws. I thought distance was the best.

It was odd what happened afterwards. People told me that they noticed that he was never around me any more but also that he had since become more like me. He maintained some of the same interests that he had developed because of me, and dressed like me as well.

As I withdrew from the social life of the campus, he became popular. Ironically, he maintained some of the trends (that weren't superficial) that I had started. I was happy to leave the scene without having to see what I had done go with me too.

Afterwards, we didn't talk. No animosity on my behalf although I did hear on occasion that he spoke very ill of me and slandered me badly when I came out.

One of the reasons why he admired me so much was because of my athleticism. He couldn't work out with me--b/c the disparity in fitness levels was pronounced. I'm an experienced runner and my weight workouts are intense.

At least once a year, I like to do something different to myself--something a bit drastic. Sometimes it'll be my hair--longer to shorter--colors. Wardrobe--athletic (baseball cap, etc), to preppy, or metro (immorally expensive jeans). Mixing them up is cool. Then I got bored of that too and didn't see the point. So I recently did my body--I changed which body parts I wanted to highlight.

I had been known before for a certain set of body parts for which I generally got comments. I changed it up--and now I look different. I like variety.

Before, I did the whole buff upper body and skinny legs b/c I ran long distances and did weights mostly for the upper body. Now, I balance my weights so it is more lower body focused and more tone for the upper body, and changed my running so that I could hold on to the size I would put on to my legs and ass.

It's been fucken fun. I trimmed the hair of my legs so the definition would be noticeable--I love watching the cuts in my legs. I also grew a new ass. My upper body got tighter and more compact as well. I wear shorts more often;)

The first time I saw Crownie at the gym, he just stared me up and down--literally. I didn't pay attention.

I made it obvious I wouldn't really talk to him and its been working out thus far. However, he was nearby when I fell flat on my face while talking to Asian Boy that time I tried to first ask him to workout with me.

Crownie just gave me a very mocking look as he saw me losing my wits talking to this guy. Today, he was working near Asian Boy, and inspected him with his eyes. It made me feel wierd.

A few days ago, another guy who I used to flirt with saw me talking to Asian boy as well. As soon as I moved away from AB, he walked by me with a penetrating, playfully mocking, and uberly suspicious raised eye brow. Fuck---I guess I'm that obvious and easy to read.

Later on, he also inspected Asian boy only to later phone me about it.

Several times when Asian Boy and I have spotted each other, I've seen random people just staring at us. I think a better word is gawking. At first I thought that Asian Boy must know these individuals, but then I'd see him ignore the third person completely. I didn't know how someone could just stand less than six feet from us and just stare like that--I disregard it b/c to some degree I'm used to it now, but I'm suprised that he can do the same.

Partly I feel bad b/c without being sure of his sexual status--I've sort of drawn the attention of other people to him who otherwise might not have blatantly stared at him, an occurence I do not doubt transpires at least occasionally.

I feel guilty for outing some people in my interactions with them. Although, it seems to be a pesky problem.

With another kid, I went to dinner with him and a few of his friends. By the end of the night, some of them mentioned to me--I know he has a girlfriend, but is he exactly straight? He stared at you a great deal throughout the night.

Apparently he was really good at doing it when I wasn't looking b/c I hadn't caught him.

My regard for a stupid social reputation based on an inaccurate perception of myself hurt my own person. I'm angry at myself for that--I hope that this doesn't happen to AB. His boat doesn't seem to be too far off from the one I once sailed.