The Anatomy of a Mancrush: a Repost

This subject has been nagging my mind for a while....

The Anatomy of a Man-Crush
by Josh Bacott 3/24/2005

Have you ever wondered what it’s like for Dick Vitale to sit courtside at a Duke basketball game?

Sure, the atmosphere is normally electric, with thousands of students jumping around and screaming like maniacs, and he gets to sit within spitting distance of some of the best college basketball players in the nation, but for Vitale is seems like there’s more to it than that. When inside Cameron Indoor Stadium, Dickie V. gets to sit a mere ten feet away from the one man he can’t get close enough to, Coach K.

For most announcers this would be nothing more than a formality, a side effect of the profession they have chosen. But for Vitale it seems like, when it comes to Krzyzewski, there’s just a touch of something more. It’s like prom night for Dickie V.

Why?

Could it be that the announcer just really appreciates the legendary program that Coach K has built in Durham? Perhaps, but I think it’s a little more complex than that.

In my opinion, Vitale has simply fallen victim to a rare and mysterious condition that afflicts a small minority of men around the country. It is a virulent strain of a common issue most have dealt with on some level.

Dick Vitale has a man-crush.

It’s not sexual in any way, it’s just that his appreciation of Coach K is a hair above acceptable levels when it comes to a sports figure. When you take a platonic appreciation of another man, add an unhealthy desire to be around and talk about that person and you throw in a touch of obsession - you have a standard issue man-crush.

Surprisingly, the sports world is a breeding ground for man-crushes. Players compete at the highest level and the men who follow them fall into subconscious fixations with their subjects.

Vitale is only one example. His overwhelming fascination with the Duke coach is borderline obsessive. The Dukies and their leader never stray far from his mind or his rants. Whenever the Blue Devils play an important home game in the ACC, Dickie V. is certain to be courtside. He wouldn’t miss his man for anything. I have to believe that the only thing keeping him from showing up at the press row dressed in his throwback Alaa Abdelnaby jersey is ESPN dress code.

He isn’t the only one.

Another announcer who has reached the pinnacle of his profession has let puppy love get the best of him. He’s showed that even the gruff world of professional football can be subject to the man-crush.

John Madden is the top color man in all of football. He has become an icon of the game, the namesake of the most influential sports video game in history, as well as the man the nation turns to for advice on the treatment of foot fungus. But he isn’t above a harmless crush.

When it comes to Brett Favre, the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame quarterback, Madden is like a 300-lb school girl. Brett makes his heart flutter. Watching him throw that football down field and then flash that smile - Madden is smitten.

Madden’s Favre obsession is evident every time Brett plays on Monday Night Football, when the announcer openly gushes about him and makes it clear that the QB is above criticism. He does no wrong in the fluttering eyes of John Madden.

Despite the obvious flaws in Brett Favre’s game, the pension for choking in Domes, the abundance of interceptions at critical moments – Madden sees only positives. He’s blinded by adoration.

There are man-crushes everywhere you look in sports.

Pedro Gomez, the tireless reporter for ESPN, is developing a serious affection for Barry Bonds. Assigned to cover the bulking slugger, Gomez has taken the gig to another level, reporting on everything Barry does on a day-to-day basis. Gomez is a few slow days away from filing a report live from the tree in Bond’s backyard, armed with binoculars in the place of a microphone.

With Bonds flirting with the idea of taking the season off due to injuries, one has to wonder how Gomez will take the news. If ESPN threatens to take him off the Bonds beat, there’s no telling what he might do. The fine line between man-crush and "stalker" is getting closer for Pedro.

St. Louis radio personality Kevin Slaten, famous for spewing venom in all directions, has inexplicably fallen head over heals for former Rams QB Kurt Warner. This hard line critic is reduced to a mountain of mush when the topic is the grocery clerk-turned-NFL MVP. The Slaten-Warner man-crush has taken on a legendary status here in the Gateway City. Everyone knows that Slaten has a crush on Warner. Even Warner.

Other announcers spread their man-love around to multiple players. Take John Miller for example. ESPN’s lead baseball announcer isn’t smitten with one particular player, rather a type of player. He’s a polygamist man-crusher.

If you are a Latin baseball star, Miller has an eye on you. Not only is he overly appreciative of your talents, he is eyeing up the back of your jersey and practicing the proper Spanish pronunciation of your name.

When that person comes to the plate or takes the mound during a game, Miller unleashes the drawn out ethnic accent to perfection.

“On the mound tonight for the Dodgers is Odalis Pe-Rrrrrr-ez.” Never have I heard a man derive so much pleasure out of rolling his R’s. He enjoys so much it makes me a little uncomfortable to listen to.
Miller’s colleague at ESPN, Chris Berman, has developed the extremely rare self man-crush. He simply has an unnatural obsession with himself. It’s the only explanation for the jokes that continue to appear each week on NFL Primetime. It’s confirmed that no one else thinks they’re funny. One can only imagine the joy that he gets when Chris Berman meets up with Chris Berman each morning in the bathroom mirror. It’s like it was meant to be.

As Berman’s situation demonstrates, the man-crush is a versatile phenomenon. It doesn’t just afflict announcers, though we’ve seen that they are a high-risk population. On the rare occasion, it can afflict players and coaches too.

In the 90’s we had high profile relationships between Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine and John Smoltz. A three way man-crush , if you will.

Right here in St. Louis we have a head scratching union between Manager Tony LaRussa and Dave Duncan, who have been attached at the hip for nearly 20 years. Who has the man-crush on who you might ask? The adoration may well be mutual.

The Houston Astros last year offer another prime example. In the offseason, they signed Andy Pettite to a long-term contract and just a few weeks later, somehow they were able to talk Roger Clemens out of retirement, using his unnatural bond with Pettite as bait.

Though they only spent a few seasons together in New York, Pettite and Clemens became fast friends and now presumably carpool to the park together and are inseparable roomies on the road. Some have made unsubstantiated claims that the two picnic together in the outfield of Minute Maid Park on off days.

Whatever the case, their relationship is not that of the average teammate. One wonders how far Clemens would have traveled to be with Pettite. If Andy would have signed with the Seibu Lions, Clemens might well be fluent in Japanese at this point.

Don’t blame Roger, though. No one is immune to the bug.

While it’s still being investigated, there is a strong chance that I, myself, developed a man-crush on my baseball hero, Kirby Puckett, as a youth. My obsession with Kirby became a little questionable at times, I’ll admit. If Kirby’s bum eye wouldn’t have forced his retirement, I might be typing this in a game worn XXXL #34 Twins jersey.

I mean, who could fault me for liking Puckett. Did you ever see him hit? He was so graceful at the plate and so dynamic in the field. And that smile……

Relapses are common as well.


The Original is here.