Dinner 3

When he came back, he was on the phone, and unfortunately I was too. We walked out together on our phones and finally put them away.

So, where do you want to go? I asked. Hmm... I don't know, he said. He quickly then proposed a rather popular eating spot on campus. Interesting.

We walked, and I asked about his remaining workload for his week. He summarized the rest of his semester for me. Cool.

Was I going home for Christmas break he asked. I reminded him that I was no longer a student and that I didn't get the same days off that they do. He said--you still must get days off. I replied with, if work gets done then prolly a week, if not, prolly just the Monday. I summarized my workload till then. He asked on what factors did my time off from work depended. I told him. It sounded bad. It sort of is. Salaried work is just not the same.

He inquired as to where I lived. He then asked, how I had so much time to workout if I had so much shit to do. I was a bit thrown off by the question--it was his way of asking why the fuck are you such nut. I just gave him a blank look, shrugged, and said halfway bullshitting--I dunno, I just make it a priority... I tried to quit a few years ago, but it didn't work... I guess its just a bad habbit... Little goes well if I don't workout--sleep, the structure of my day, it just isn't the same when you workout. He looked as if my statement hit home for him, and he nodded, clearly giving thought to what I had just said. I could have given him a more real answer--but that would be getting personal rather quick. I could have just said--I'm vain. An answer I have used before--but that didn't seem okay either.

I asked him what was it like to see his family over the holiday. He told me he didn't get to see his whole family and why. I sort of suspected and had poised my question to get at that. I asked him about how often he saw his family. We chatted about that for a while.

We asked each other a lot of questions. The pauses were nice--it balanced it out, and allowed me to feel comfortable around him. We were curious.

It was weird to be on one of the main pedestrian thoroughfares of campus again. The lighting was beautiful as usual.

I said I needed to stop by the atm to withdraw. He said, "Don't worry. I'll pay for it." I looked over at him flattered and with slight suspicion I tilted my head down, hesitated, smiled, and said, "I'll pay you back."

The food where we were going was not cheap.

We got in, and he asked, what do you want, as we looked around. Fuck I thought, I'm going to have to break down and eat something not perfectly clean b/c I am not going to come off as the neurotic health nut that I am this early in the whole ordeal. This youngin could likely eat nothing but doughnuts and still look like that way.

Perhaps he picked up on my anxiety or the perplexity or disgust in my face as I looked around at normal food. Even the "healthy" shit annoyed me. I have some practice at pretending to not be offended, but I dunno how I came across.

He brushed ahead of me, looked back at me, smiled, and said, "let's just get salad."

What the fuck I thought? Who is this kid?

That was the only thing I would've eaten. Though to be honest, it would've been too gay for me to do so. I had ex-ed out the possibility as a result.

His salad was perfect, and I matched it with another ridiculous no cal fiberous pile. Then he stacked it with so much protein--tuna and chicken, that everything underneath was no longer visible. I looked at it, and asked, "think u got enough?" He laughed. I love that cute Asian smile--demure, shy, knowing, the plumps lips, and pretty cheeks.

Then he put some sauce on it. Except I didn't know what it was. I asked if he knew. "I don't know man... its GOOD," he responded. Aight, I said, and poured a medium amount.

As we walked to the tables, the place was full but not packed. He asked, where do you want to sit? I had another blank expression on my face. How bout outside, he quickly suggested. Sure, I said as quickly as I could to avoid looking fuckin dumbstruck by the whole scenario.

He started walking in the opposite direction of where the outdoor tables were. I had seen them while walking towards the place, and there were a good number of people there. The weather was pretty good that night.

I followed him, and wondered where the hell we were going. I thought, I guess maybe we'll be eating on steps or something. But instead, he went through this door I had always assumed was an emergency exit.

Outside, there were a handful of tables, just like the ones on the other side, except here no one was in sight. I looked around and said, I didn't know these were here. I then realized, we were alone.

Dinner 2

After I left the gym--I didn't know what to think. I have hated his deflections. But I realize and still am realizing that despite his passive approach, he wants control over the terms of how anything transpires. Giving up control is not something at which I'm good. I hate, detest, and abhor it. People often assume that they can intimidate me in the usual ways to gain control. It doesn't often work. But then I realized--I'm the one doing the asking. I need to accomodate. Fuck--so terribly elementary and yet not my automatic reaction.

I realized that run-ins at the gym would no longer be neutral. I had made the move, and I had to live with it. I thought about avoiding the gym the following day but scratched that idea as being a pussy.

I called my friends--they all chimed in again--we told you so.

I showed up the next day at the regular time. He wasn't there. It was getting late. He wasn't there. I knew it. I scared him away. I scared the poor undergrad out of the fucking gym. If you know when to be there when someone is there, you also know when not to be there. He must have come early, or will come after I'm gone.

It was probably in my head, but every freakin Asian I have ever seen come to the gym poured into the weightroom over the next 20 mins. It has been the case that since starting to chat with Asian boy, I have gotten prolonged stares from some random Asians. I get stares often though--so I didn't know what to make of them.

There was no use in even looking for him. I just started my last exercise resigned to the fact that I scared him away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw what might be him. I didn't even look more closely--I was mistaken--there was no doubt.

I continued my last few sets until again, in the mirror, I finally saw him. Shit I thought. He's here. I beelined for the bathroom, and decided upon returning that one last exercise was in order.

He was on my way to the bench. He saw me coming, and stood not looking away from me, waiting to come within range. Fuck, here goes nothing.

I looked at him and demurely but with seriousness said hey as I walked by.

That's when I noticed the difference in his demeanor. He was earnest and looking right at me, intently, with openness. The combination was unexpected. It startled me but I stopped that emotion from surfacing.

He said, "hey,--and then my name--" deliberately. He rarely says my name. Then he said, "how are you?"

I was taken aback, didn't know what to do, and tongue tied I half grunted and nodded affirmatively.

I got to my bench laid down and thought--shit, that was totally unexpected. That's not a "fuck off" look, mood, or notice of an impending dismissal conversation.

I will try again I thought.

My apperance is imposing I have been told now for a long time. Body language is supposed to be a great way of either increasing or decreasing this effect. I noticed a tiny bench, probably even a foot stool in front of him. I waited till he was about to finish his set and then I quickly went and sat in front of him. I also know that I can make rather convincing puppy eyes.

I broadened by eyes with attentiveness and respectfulness--and looked up at him while flexing my shoulders in a shy configuration. "hey.... are you still up for catching a meal sometime?" I said with delicacy.

"Yea", he replied immediately. He started to say something. It sounded like "today", but I couldn't tell before he restrained himself and was silent. He looked at me and waited. I slightly and quietly stuttered -- "when might be a good time for you?" I looked at him intently.

"Today actually--" he said without hesitation and with a cocky smile.

I think seeing my face at that moment must have been like watching an atomic reaction through titanium glass--you get the muted version of something big.

As I swallowed my excitement. A beat. Then, I glanced at the clock nearby and said, how much are you doing today?

"Hmm... " he mused and glanced at the clock, "probably about 10-15 minutes more".

"Cool, I have two more sets and then I'll stretch," he smiled. I walked off.

I felt estatic and yet this step was trivial relative to anything meaningful.

I sat down and started cranking out the reps. I looked at the clock, and wondered, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

Where is this going? How is he okay with this?

I've romantically befriended other guys at my school--but with them, there was a thread of association a priori. One time, with the one most impacting to my life, the thread was pretty shotty and really a thinly veiled excuse. But with this one, here, there really was nothing.

I got up, and went to stretch. All my stretching posts and benches were taken so I found a remote one. I wouldn't have to look at him either.

I finished and went up to him to say that I was just going to change. He smiled, and said, "Sure."

I changed. He was still not done. I had to make a phone call that would be brief and formal. He was on his way out while I was on it. He smiled, motioned, and said, "Let me just go wash up..."

I smiled, nodded, and mouthed, "Sure."

Shit, I couldn't believe it. I was going to eat with this guy I've been fucking mulling over for weeks. How ridiculous. The impossible, stoic, mysterious, and sought after Asian boy.

Dinner

The day after returning from Thxgiving, I saw Asian boy again at the gym. I had made it abundantly clear that I was interested in getting to know him by inquiring beyond the usual into his holiday. But the attempt was blunted.

The following day, I greeted him politely but cautiously from a distance. He had to wait for his machine. His chest press machine is one of the most numerous at our gym, yet every single one was taken and by more than one person. I'd never seen it like that.

I without having to fake it actually had to workout next to those machines. I cracked a joke about his wait. He laughed. I started conversation about his last comment on his weekend--skiing. He said--yea, its fun. He looked away. I asked how long he had been at it. Hmm.... 5-6 years. Then he looked away again. Fuck, this dude is like pulling wisdom teeth.

Finally, I gave up and we sat there virtually right next to each other and he didn't say a word. It stung--it stung badly. I moved on with my workout and ignored him. As I was leaving, he cut right in front of me as I was leaving the weightroom. He didn't say goodbye or anything despite the obvious fact that I was on my way out.

Who cares I thought--I'm going to the bathroom anyway. Apparently so was he. We stood there and pissed right next to each other. And again, total fucken silence. He finished before me and left. I was losing my mind. What the hell was this?

That was it I told myself--the straw that broke the camel's back. I have been thinking--he's shy. This is how he plays the game. He likes me--he's just not totally out yet. But all of this was contradicted now. I just had to accept reality. He just wasn't that into me.

I called my friends. They said--we told you so. Finally, I made a decision with one of them that I would not have questions lingering in my mind and that I would make one final decisive move to make explicit the implicit. I made a pact to ask him out to something beforing our next phone conversation.

What the hell was I now thinking?

The next day, I said fuck that--this kid isn't worth it. I misread him. He's a stuck up snob who fooled me into thinking he was nice. I fell for it like an idiot.

So I pumped my rap music and walked into the gym drunk from a stimulant cocktail and creatine. As if the fates new when to make matters the worst, I liked the way I looked more on that day as compared to others.

He was there. I didn't care.

I walked past by him. He walked behind me. I stared at him through one of the mirrors drawing his stare thru the reflection back at me. I waved. An indirect greeting was what he was getting.

He looked confused.

I started my workout. Damn, I was jamming. I felt like throwing up after my first round of sets. But after a mercy pacing lap around the weightroom, I was ready for part II of my workout. I was flying--I had the best pump ever.

Finally, I was done and decided to do one last cool down exercise.

I went and reached for the weights. He was parallel to me half way across the room. I looked over. Damn I thought. What stupidity.

Then, I thought to myself--what the hell. Here goes nothing.

I walked over and said--Hey, what's up? He pretended not to hear me. Oh fuck no, I won't be ignored. I lightly tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around really quick with a big smile on his face. What was this about I thought to myself? If he's being fake at showing enthusiasm, he sure as hell is fooling me.

I walked away and finished my last few sets.

I came back and this time for the ending of the game.

I waited as he finished his last set. I saw him notice me stare and he got that "I know I'm being watched" look as he strained the last few reps out.

I said, "hey, do you eat right after your workout?"

He was shocked, that I was talking to him and at my question. The word "yea" stumbled out of his mouth. Then, the cogs turned, and he figured it out, and in a split second, his reflex hit me back. "Like an hour or so after my workout."

Damn, deflection, he saw it coming.

"Oh," I looked down, began turning away, and then said, "never mind then."

"Wait, why he said??"

"I was wondering if you wanted to grab something to eat after this?"

"OH.... UHM, I have a meeting after this--till 6:30"

Shit, thats like a fucken long time I thought. He doesn't want to do this. But the expression on his face said that he wanted me to ask him, when after that might it be feasible.

I was too annoyed and disapppointed. I said, "oh, e-mail me then if you want." The spoiled amateur brat that I am I turned and left.

But that was it--I had made a fool of myself, said what was on my mind, and left myself no option for turning back. If something was going to happen, it would. If I misread this whole thing, then I would soon get the fuck off conversation. I would have to wait until the next time and hold on.

the Other Thanksgiving

So during my dinner with my Asian best female friend, she posed several questions that I found interesting.

The first was one posed by her ex, which was, what do you feel, as opposed to think, when you first awake?

I didn’t answer because she didn’t ask. Her answer was a dull sense of pain. My answer would have been fear—fear of annihilation as a result of inadequacy. Totally Freudian but whatever.

The second question was how I had come to like Asian boy—what qualities brought about my crushing interest?

I said the convexity of his pecs and the proportion of his upper to lower body, etc. etc. She wrinkled her face like many girls would. She said—so you’re like the terminator—assessing people’s physical qualities.

Yea, I said, but that will only get someone noticed, not my active interest. It is my perception of his internal conflicts that makes me curious to find out what is there.

So that’s how you pick she said. Yea, I replied. She seemed uncomfortable. I said, I know I’m being stupid.

Oh? She said.

Yea, a friend of mine once said—would you prefer a Tiffany’s jewel in a brown paper bag or shit in a Tiffany’s box. I said, I’d like my goddam Tiffany’s jewel in its Tiffany’s box.

That friend replied with—that’s fine, but you are limiting yourself to an extremely and extraordinarily miniscule portion of the population.

My Asian friend busted into laughter. Having regained her breath, she said, So you know this?

Yea.

She’s right—it is an extremely, extremely, small group of people.

Yea, but I can’t fake it. It takes really really hot people to gain my romantic interest. I can care and love many people. But romantic interest, that’s a tough one.

Despite all this bullshit about my issues, she mentioned that I had changed. I noticed a change in her as well.

She asked, from where does your change come?

Pain and suffering. The place from where the best of my change comes—after all I do in some sense epitomize human stupidity. What did she think—that I was wise. She laughed again.

Pain and suffering—huh. She looked down, and said as her eyes widened—Lots of pain and suffering.

Got to learn to embrace it I said. It’s one of the few things that will genuinely change a human’s heart.

****************************

I came back from my trip and was exhausted. I felt like I needed another vacation despite the fact that my traveling went as smooth as butter.

I was simply reflective as I traveled amongst folk.

I rushed into the Monday morning meeting late but caught a good chunk of it.

I went downstairs and got started on my work. I finished early enough to run errands and still make it to the gym back in time to see Asian boy.

I contemplated not going. Why go? I hadn’t slept nearly enough for a real workout. It would almost be counterproductive. I had to go. I had to see him.

I gathered my shit and marched towards the large buildings. We saw each other, although not simultaneously. He pretended not to see me and walked away.

There was another friend whom I had randomly run into during the weekend whom I went to greet. We chatted and laughed as he recounted his encounters with the savagery that overcomes women during shopping season. He went with his girlfriend—they are the cutest couple—total opposites—totally male and female in the conventional sense.

So then I circled over and went over to Asian boy. He saw me coming, but still pretended to not see me. He walked away from his machine and sat on the nearest mat and started doing sit ups. I had to call out his name, for him to heed me.

But his reaction could’ve been a freakin impossible one eighty slalom turn. I asked him how his trip was, as I called his name. He turned with bright open eyes—he was excited to tell me how he got rerouted across the whole country and then back through a different corner just to get back. It added twelve hours to his already long flight commute. It snowed the last day he was there. Fuck, I thought. I sort of freaked. He hit both U.S. coasts and a major northern Midwestern city within twelve hours. The kid might as well have flown an extra half lap around the world. I said—you must be exhausted. Yea, he said, but his frown was odd because it didn’t match his energy in talking to me. He said that he got in at six this morning. I said that I felt like skipping work and just sleeping all day. He looked away and said he could’ve done the same. How was it here he asked? I wasn’t here I said, and I told him where I went. He looked confused. Yea, I didn’t mention as the starting point of my trip my home town. However, I don’t know if that’s why he was confused.

I said—Well, I guess I could ask you how it was today all over the U.S. Fuck, I just thought for a second that you were being really ambitious in your travel plans when you mentioned both coasts. He laughed and I walked off.

Later, we were near each other again while working out. He was stretching a muscle he wasn’t working in between sets. Hahahaha. And avoiding eye contact at the same time. Geezus I thought.

So I just playfully and only while in passing without looking at him said into his ear—I feel so faTT and weaKK. He laughed, but then looked stunned and said, and straightened up quick—you didn’t come here at all???

I said—I wasn’t here. He looked confused again. I told him where I went again. This time he seemed to realize that I flew into an airport that didn’t correspond to my hometown. But his reaction was odd—he gave me a knowing grin and just looked at me with what seemed like slight suspicion.

He might have thought significant other had we not recently become myspace buddies and he were to now know that I am single as is he. My machine freed up so I proceeded. When he finished his set, he bolted. I think this kid must be on a strong as stimulants as me.

Later, I went by him again, and asked, “Other than the snow, how was your week?” He said, it was great, I went snow boarding. We were interrupted by someone asking if either of us was using his machine. He said, its okay I can use this one, pointing to an identical and available one right next to us.

Then I did the stupid—and got sort of scared about him starting to talk to me. I got shy, and I demurely said, I won’t keep you, go ahead. He smiled hard and slightly laughed as he looked away. His smile was gorgeous—I hadn’t seen him previously smile so hard. It was beautiful.

I didn’t know how to re-start the conversation. I wanted to get the hell out of there as I assumed he did too. As I was stretching, a group of Asians came in, approached him, and all started talking to him. He went with them to a different part of the gym as he spotted one of them.

Then, very suddenly, he hurriedly walked to get his bag and left. I hadn’t previously seen him leave in haste.

I thought—cool, now I can figure something out till next time.

I’m an uber dork. Its ridic.

Hit and Miss: Thanksgiving

The weekend trot across the eastern sea board was great in terms of catching up with friends. I caught up with long time no see people who I’ve really missed. Dinners all around were great—the holiday one and all the rest.

We volunteered at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving at a new place that had just purchased their property—so they really needed the help. We stayed for the dedication—it was very touching.

I met some new folks through my friends although no one I think I’ll be in touch with afterwards.

I wanted to focus in particular on being grateful this time around. The soup kitchen sucked in a lot of ways—it was dilapidated. The people were not pro’s and inefficient. The heat wasn’t on yet, and the supplies were beyond basic—even for a soup kitchen. It was almost third worldish.

I didn’t like it that much—so the other side of me loved it. I kept reminding myself why I was doing this. I hate narcissism, and I want to work my way out of it.

Two of my friends really enjoyed it. One sort of didn’t. Although I hated it, I still kept a chipper expression and attitude—for real too.

Friday was spent chilling with old close friends—these were conversations that needed to take place and they unfortunately were not at clubs or watering holes. I haven’t talked in person with most of them since coming out and I needed to adjust the relationships so things could be normal but different.

Saturday I shopped till there was not a stone left unturned. My friend with whom I stayed is a small town girl, who’s in a serious relationship with a big city super rich guy. Describing her as “awkward” is a compliment. She desperately needed an orientation to the city as well as a make over. Her guy is awesome and is with her for the right reasons as opposed to superficial ones. However, he has expressed reservations about how she would fit in if she were to join him for more public events. I decided to do some extra community service and introduced her to all the major department stores—figured out which make up lines would work for her, got her the right products she needed to make her skin flawless perpetually, and picked out for her several pieces including a gown.

I was sort of shocked at how clueless she was. I didn’t think girls came out that way any more. She didn’t know what it meant to “complement” colors that “accentuate”. She literally thought colors were meant to “match” as in “exact” terms. This maxim explained her crazy wardrobe.

I drew up her blueprint—the basic fundamentals about herself that would allow her to learn more about her features and figure out how to look stunning effortlessly. I never really realize just how crazy I am at doing so until I compare notes with someone else. I sort of do this type of thing in the back of my head constantly and unconsciously. She was very pleased with the results.

We went clubbing that evening and it sucked so bad. I guess we hit all the wrong spots or something but we tried three different places with ridiculous covers. The last one was still bad. We hit the dance floor and she said—this is soo weird. We had just talked about this so I was wondering why she was bringing this up again. No she said, everyone is staring at you. Oh—shit. I sort of hate when that happens and I am not staring at others to the point where I notice what’s going on.

Yea I wasn’t really interested in anyone. I didn’t understand why since the town was a big one. I should’ve found at least a few. The dance floor was large, and there were multiple bars. I noticed I had an attitude, so I got drunk and tried to drop it. It sort of worked.

Right when I was going to make a move on this guy, someone reaches around me and grabs me by the waist. He whispers into my ear, his warm breath and firm but gentle grasp immediately softens me up. The alcohol was kicking in too. “You remind of the guy I first fell in love with,”—a great line if you want to appeal to someone’s narcissism without being shallow. I didn’t reply but didn’t break away. “Not because of the way you look he says but because of the way you move and dress—you are gay right?” The question sort of dumb struck me. “Of course,” he quipped. I still hadn’t seen this guy’s face I just knew he was really tall.

“From where was he?” I asked and finally turned to him. He named the area—haha. That’s where I was from. So then I asked him where he was from. Near by place. He asked me where I was from—I told him. “Oh that’s why you dress that way” he said.

Where did you go to hs he asked. I told him. He went to one of our rival schools. I asked if he wanted to go sit on one of the couches. I just wanted to make out with somebody. He said he had to go soon. I was soo drunk. I said that I had a friend with whom I had to leave. He said, lets go outside and smoke. We did. He was a dork. He couldn’t converse really well. He asked why I had to go back with my friend. I said she’s been really nice to me the whole weekend. He said, by brining you here? I said, she’s a good person—they are hard to find. Shit I was drunk.

I wasn’t very interested in him. I said I was going back in side. He said good luck.

I got back inside and the dude I wanted to hit on was no where in sight. I looked and looked, but he was no where to be found. I also noticed that about 2/3’s of the club had left since going out to smoke.

Shit there was apparently this 10min window when everyone found someone and left. The club wasn’t closing though for a while. I kept looking for my dude. Instead, I got randomly fondled by these roaming guys. It was sick—I was about to knock a few out—they were fucken insane as they kept feeling me up despite me repelling their hands the first time around.

I grabbed my friend and left. The next morning I was sooo bummed out. I really wanted to find someone to crush on and end the whole Asian boy foolishness. No such fucken luck. Gawd—I wanted it soo bad too. Someone normal and gay who I could be really into.

The next day I finally met up with my female Asian best friend. She took me to a reading that she was really into—however, I wasn’t. She asked me what I thought afterwards. We were invited to chill with the speaker. I obliged but then the speaker ditched us in a very clever way.

We went and had dinner alone. She inquired my opinion about the reading again. I felt bad but I was just honest. She was scared. I tore the thing to shreds very quickly. I however picked out two essential pieces I felt were crucial for the world and noted that the author’s mission was vital. She was pleased and said that’s why she was into it.

I could’ve skipped the whole bull shit part—but I knew that she knew that I was assessing everything. She would know if I omitted shit. Plus, I thought she would get something out of my criticism. I was too harsh though. Too unforgiving. I regret that in writing now. I should be more compassionate for the emotions of others.

We sat down for dinner and discussed love and my decision regarding coming out. We talked about her recent visit with her ex and all that it meant to her. He wasn’t Asian—that was keeping her from being with him. I said—it wasn’t her parents? She said she had made that up. I said, well, you fooled the world and me. She said that she fooled her self as well.

She said that he had asked about me. She said that he had liked me. I said, I thought he was cool too—as in like for real. She made the mistake of mentioning that he asked why she never talked about me that much anymore.

I had stopped talking to her after she slandered me to a mutual friend – ending that friendship for me. She had done so b/c she had been threatened by the fact that he and I would hit it off. The whole debacle was mysterious. Only two reasons could make sense. Nevertheless, I forgave her and started calling her again after I got over it.

I said, did you tell your ex why I stopped calling. She had lied to him. Aaah. Okay. She said how he saw through her often and helped her become a better person. She was right. He was a great guy who emotionally spoiled her and she is a bitch to him. It’s good she admits it nonetheless—she’s good therefore.

I brought up Asian Boy. She hesitated. She tried to convince me that he wasn’t into me—but her attempts were too desperate to prove worthwhile. I said, he asks about me, and notices when I’m not around. She sort of freaked at that one.

I said she must have issues about me hitting on one of her own. She didn’t reply right away. I said, come out with it now. You are in love with a non-Asian but want to marry an Asian. I am hitting on one of your own who is seemingly and convincingly confused. I know you disapprove and have feelings with regards to it. She conceded to my statements.

So—??? She described to me how she evades attention from people she doesn’t like, and she thinks Asian boy has been trying to do that with me. A cop out. She gave me an example of someone she lied to in order to terminate a conversation. I said okay—why did you so? She said for stupid reasons. I said clearly but what were the stupid reasons? He was white. Oh shit I thought. We’ve been over this before—I can see why she had resisted bringing this up the whole dinner.

Yea—she’s racist—towards anyone who’s not Asian. I don’t know how she deals with me. She conceded.

Still, it didn’t quite answer the question of her annoyance with me and Asian boy. I queried. She said—you’re killing him with kindness. So—what of it?, I said. That might get to him she replied.

I queried some more—so? That might burst his bubble she said. OH—? Why’s this a big deal?

I don’t want you to burst his bubble as much as I don’t want anyone to burst my own bubble about the things I don’t like about myself and am recalcitrant to change, she finally said. Aaah.

I said I was a great person to burst someone’s bubble. I would endeavor to not be caustic. I wouldn’t fuck him without regard. I wouldn’t break his heart, but I’d let him break mine because I think I could take it. Most of all, I said—there is a near fool proof certainty that nothing will happen as a result of my interactions with him. He is locked in Asia land with Asian expectations. He is a successful good Asian boy. He won’t deviate. I am a fly on his radar screen.

She said that everything I had just said meant so much—more than I knew.

Finally, I drove to my point. I said—I want to understand what it means to be a man. You see I said—this kid does not have many of the things I always thought fucked me up. He has a stable and small family. His parents are of the same background. There are no clear marks of volatile change in his upbringing. Still he seems to battle many of the same issues with which I wrestle. He is like my previous “Billy Budd”—ideal in many ways and yet apparently equally tragically flawed as rest of us on the inside.

Cleary being a man does not mean being attracted to a woman. That took a fucken long while to figure out. So what is it? Clearly certain “backgrounds” do not bestow relational health. So—from where do these gender and relational insecurities spring such that they plague not only me but others who are vastly different from me as well?

I am basically attempting to answer these question both directly and indirectly by pursuing these petty endeavors with confused and fence-sitting boys. I doubt I can succeed much. This ineffective modus operandi will soon have to change and I am proceeding with those steps currently. But I wanted her to know my intentions. She felt relieved and my summary sufficed for her. It was all in her facial expression. We flipped the channel on our conversation a few more times before concluding.

We parted with a hug, and she said she wanted to see me again soon.

Back to Square One

So I went through this horrible weekend where I just totally thought that Asian boy was not happening.

I actually cried. Yes--stupid. I thought about a lot of things and why I would be reacting in this way. I came up with several realizations including the need to move to a gay neighborhood and joining more gay organizations. I have my check list all worked out.

I'm not used to being rejected. It sounds conceited yada yada and spoiled yada yada--but its true. From the first time I stepped into a gay club to the moment I decided to be more open about my sexuality at school--I've had the extraordinary luck of consistently getting the attention of the guys I liked--the really hot ones. Even though relationships rarely worked out, I knew that attraction was not the issue. Although that spark is necessary, its not enough to carry anything. Still, turning heads and getting ogled was nice.

Asian boy's aloofness was a fucken bucket of ice water on a kid who has spent a very long time in a hot tub.

I called an old friend--who was of the same asian origin as him. We chatted. She's very homophobic. I've slowly eased her into the idea. She actually came with me once to a gay club.

She suspected I had a thing for one of her own. Why else would I be suddenly trying to practice my asian language skills on her so much lately?

I confessed, and I sensed her disapproval. She's super proud about her heritage. I don't think she's into the mixing of the races in that way. Plus, she's homophobic and here I was nibbling at the type of guy she would marry. Oh well.

She was rather stark with me. I wanted her to be, for this reason I called her. She was blunt. Aloofness is only to be expected. Males in patriarchal cultures are doted upon--and if he's hot--then forget it. He's going to expect being served on hand and foot. Ick I thought. I would still bet that Asian boy has a sensitive and good streak in him--I swear I can see somewhere in his attempt at stoicism. I'll have to see if its my imagination.

I told her the main points of our interactions. She said he has demonstrated interest as per an Asian dude but that he was being uberly cautious. He would be--b/c she said he wouldn't know what the hell to make of me as ambiguous as I can be. She seemed to be right. That was my earlier reading through much of the situation.

Experiencing him thus far has reminded me tremendously of a previous crush, when one of the hottest guys I knew--who wasn't clearly "out"--was into me. I didn't know what to do. The ambiguity was far more overwhelming than I expected. I love doing the dude-thing b/c of its thorough novelty. Although some scripts have been written for the homosexual relationship, they are far more fluid than the hetersexual stories. Still, I was unprepared for the sheer unpredictability. The guy was just way to outside the gay box. It was super hard for me to believe that he was gay--let alone be interested in me. Had I believed it--I would've been so into him, I would have been beside myself in fear. So I did what I knew to do best--I pushed him away.

He tried and he tried, but eventually the whole thing fizzled and I calmed down. I just wasn't that ready or comfortable with myself yet. I had to start with someone in whom I had less interest and who would wield less control over me. I couldn't let someone do that much damage to me so quickly.

I doubt I'm to that degree the same type of guy for Asian boy--but I do get the sense that he has pushed me away for the sake of his own control.

So I backed away even more, and made a decision--I would be nice to him for the sake of doing so. NSA not in terms of sex, but in terms of kindness. Someone once said that love is long suffering and kind. I decided to give something like that a chance. That's how we got back to square one.

He noticed less neediness in me, and I stopped trying to play any sort of "game". I was just nice, and consistently so. It seems to have worked. We've had more conversation, despite the fact that he still seems nervous around me.

He's been more comfortable with me and felt free to express his interest--its just going to take a while to move anywhere. It won't be the typical fast forward whirlwind ordeal. I'm earning my toaster, if I am to get it at all.

Back to Square One

So I went through this horrible weekend where I just totally thought that Asian boy was not happening.

I actually cried. Yes--stupid. I thought about a lot of things and why I would be reacting in this way. I came up with several realizations including the need to move to a gay neighborhood and joining more gay organizations. I have my check list all worked out.

I'm not used to being rejected. It sounds conceited yada yada and spoiled yada yada--but its true. From the first time I stepped into a gay club to the moment I decided to be more open about my sexuality at school--I've had the extraordinary luck of consistently getting the attention of the guys I liked--the really hot ones. Even though relationships rarely worked out, I knew that attraction was not the issue. Although that spark is necessary, its not enough to carry anything. Still, turning heads and getting ogled was nice.

Asian boy's aloofness was a fucken bucket of ice water on a kid who has spent a very long time in a hot tub.

I called an old friend--who was of the same asian origin as him. We chatted. She's very homophobic. I've slowly eased her into the idea. She actually came with me once to a gay club.

She suspected I had a thing for one of her own. Why else would I be suddenly trying to practice my asian language skills on her so much lately?

I confessed, and I sensed her disapproval. She's super proud about her heritage. I don't think she's into the mixing of the races in that way. Plus, she's homophobic and here I was nibbling at the type of guy she would marry. Oh well.

She was rather stark with me. I wanted her to be, for this reason I called her. She was blunt. Aloofness is only to be expected. Males in patriarchal cultures are doted upon--and if he's hot--then forget it. He's going to expect being served on hand and foot. Ick I thought. I would still bet that Asian boy has a sensitive and good streak in him--I swear I can see somewhere in his attempt at stoicism. I'll have to see if its my imagination.

I told her the main points of our interactions. She said he has demonstrated interest as per an Asian dude but that he was being uberly cautious. He would be--b/c she said he wouldn't know what the hell to make of me as ambiguous as I can be. She seemed to be right. That was my earlier reading through much of the situation.

Experiencing him thus far has reminded me tremendously of a previous crush, when one of the hottest guys I knew--who wasn't clearly "out"--was into me. I didn't know what to do. The ambiguity was far more overwhelming than I expected. I love doing the dude-thing b/c of its thorough novelty. Although some scripts have been written for the homosexual relationship, they are far more fluid than the hetersexual stories. Still, I was unprepared for the sheer unpredictability. The guy was just way to outside the gay box. It was super hard for me to believe that he was gay--let alone be interested in me. Had I believed it--I would've been so into him, I would have been beside myself in fear. So I did what I knew to do best--I pushed him away.

He tried and he tried, but eventually the whole thing fizzled and I calmed down. I just wasn't that ready or comfortable with myself yet. I had to start with someone in whom I had less interest and who would wield less control over me. I couldn't let someone do that much damage to me so quickly.

I doubt I'm to that degree the same type of guy for Asian boy--but I do get the sense that he has pushed me away for the sake of his own control.

So I backed away even more, and made a decision--I would be nice to him for the sake of doing so. NSA not in terms of sex, but in terms of kindness. Someone once said that love is long suffering and kind. I decided to give something like that a chance. That's how we got back to square one.

He noticed less neediness in me, and I stopped trying to play any sort of "game". I was just nice, and consistently so. It seems to have worked. We've had more conversation, despite the fact that he still seems nervous around me. We also finally exchanged info.

He's been more comfortable with me and felt free to express his interest--its just going to take a while to move anywhere. It won't be the typical fast forward whirlwind ordeal. I'm earning my toaster, if I am to get it at all.

Intensity - Crush

I feel so retarded... nonetheless, I cannot deny what I am, even if it is stupid.
It's not just about Asian Boy but about all the other shit that I realize about myself and my past relationships. The question being--will I and when will I learn to love and/or find love? Are finding love and learning to love completely different?

I found these lyrics from an old song in an album I got as a gift.

by L. Hill

When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?
When it hurts so bad, when it hurts so bad
Why's it feel so good?

I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love,
Then you'd understand

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power,
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand

Amost Over...

I wanna say that my crush is going over the hump... that it will no longer be as bad. Its already not as bad as the last time... I'm burning myself out and its a great thing!

Yesterday I saw him, and he was seemingly extraordinarily spaced out. Our workout didn't really overlap at all... so no reasons arose for us to talk.

I was going to have too pushy in starting conversation, my stimulants were kickin hard, and he looked to be in an odd mood. So I just left it alone. He left early.

Today, I said hi as soon as he arrived. He seemed to be somewhat surprised although pleasantly.

Mid-way through my workout I noticed that he was doing an exercise that I do except somewhat differently. I asked about it--in a very straight non-chalant way. He was flattered and answered my question.

We worked near each other during my last exercise.

I went took a breather and a leak, and then came back. He was resting a mid set. I sat down next to him and asked how his week was going.

He was noticeably more normal. He told me about an upcoming exam. I queried about it a bit. Then he randomly asked me about this exercise that I do everyday. When he said it, I couldn't help but smile some. So I looked away during his question, and he was a little shy in asking. For whatever its worth, he noticed.

I explained that it wasn't exactly the same exercise but that I also thought I was doing one of them wrong. I told him I was hoping to come across some article or something from which I could learn exactly how to do it.

He was sort of surprised by my answer--although that is often the expression on his face when I talk to him--for whatever reason. Prolly b/c I usually respond with someone unusual answers. My statement had been contrived--but he didn't pick on it. Unlike me, he doesn't try to only talk about what he knows. So he gave me this funny face like an unqualified person referring a friend to someone they really respect, and said, "You should ask that big guy."

I though oh shit. So I asked innocently, Which big guy? He says, You know... that ONE really really big guy--who's always here. Fuck I thought. I said---Hmm.... blank look. He says, I think he's a trainer. Me, hmm.... Point him out next time he's here. Okay, he said, I think you'll know who he is.

I don't know why I got so stupid over something else that was stupid--Zeus.

Afterwards a pause in the conversation set in. I didn't know what to say and was just enjoying his more relaxed demeanor around me. So I smiled big and friendly, and said I'll see you soon, and got up. He said, "You're done already?"

I said, "they took my machines (referring to a group of jocks), and I was near the end anway, so I thought I'd call it a day." He nodded and started his set.

I ran into a guy I knew right next to Asian boy. We chatted and this guy asked me a lot of questions about my new job. It was unexpected. So we had an involved conversation. Although Asian Boy had been sitting at the machine in between sets, he bolted afterwards. I guess he was done with that exercise.

As I was leaving, I noticed that I didn't have my keys. I looked around the parking lot but then decided to call a lock smith.

I went back one last time to check the gym.

Someone I once knew decided to stay in town after graduation as well. He had recently been hired at my company. He also chose to keep the membership at our school's gym.

He turned in a set of keys, right before I came in--they were my keys.

Once upon a time, I had been a social being--and like many in the retarded hierarchical social scapes like those of a university--I had my lackies, people who followed you around, brought you up in conversations often enough for you to hear about it through a third or fourth degree party, adopt many of your habits, take everything you say too seriously, and pretened like you can do no wrong. I dismissed the vast majority of these because I don't trust them, except for this one.

I thought he was genuinely nice--I don't know what got into me.

Somewhere along the way he took a drastic turn and decided to go alpha--that is to no longer be the lackey and to try and up me. The problem was--I to my recollection had never instituted the ranking in the first place. But as extreme as his initial view of me had set in, so did its contrary and subsequent inverse as well.

I had seen it coming a few weeks prior, so I had already set some distance. He noticed. Later he finally told me what bothered him about me and said he resented my recent aloofness.

I apologized for what he said offended him--I was as straightforward about it as he was in brining it up. Although what I did was not good, his idealization of me exaccerbated my flaws. I thought distance was the best.

It was odd what happened afterwards. People told me that they noticed that he was never around me any more but also that he had since become more like me. He maintained some of the same interests that he had developed because of me, and dressed like me as well.

As I withdrew from the social life of the campus, he became popular. Ironically, he maintained some of the trends (that weren't superficial) that I had started. I was happy to leave the scene without having to see what I had done go with me too.

Afterwards, we didn't talk. No animosity on my behalf although I did hear on occasion that he spoke very ill of me and slandered me badly when I came out.

One of the reasons why he admired me so much was because of my athleticism. He couldn't work out with me--b/c the disparity in fitness levels was pronounced. I'm an experienced runner and my weight workouts are intense.

At least once a year, I like to do something different to myself--something a bit drastic. Sometimes it'll be my hair--longer to shorter--colors. Wardrobe--athletic (baseball cap, etc), to preppy, or metro (immorally expensive jeans). Mixing them up is cool. Then I got bored of that too and didn't see the point. So I recently did my body--I changed which body parts I wanted to highlight.

I had been known before for a certain set of body parts for which I generally got comments. I changed it up--and now I look different. I like variety.

Before, I did the whole buff upper body and skinny legs b/c I ran long distances and did weights mostly for the upper body. Now, I balance my weights so it is more lower body focused and more tone for the upper body, and changed my running so that I could hold on to the size I would put on to my legs and ass.

It's been fucken fun. I trimmed the hair of my legs so the definition would be noticeable--I love watching the cuts in my legs. I also grew a new ass. My upper body got tighter and more compact as well. I wear shorts more often;)

The first time I saw Crownie at the gym, he just stared me up and down--literally. I didn't pay attention.

I made it obvious I wouldn't really talk to him and its been working out thus far. However, he was nearby when I fell flat on my face while talking to Asian Boy that time I tried to first ask him to workout with me.

Crownie just gave me a very mocking look as he saw me losing my wits talking to this guy. Today, he was working near Asian Boy, and inspected him with his eyes. It made me feel wierd.

A few days ago, another guy who I used to flirt with saw me talking to Asian boy as well. As soon as I moved away from AB, he walked by me with a penetrating, playfully mocking, and uberly suspicious raised eye brow. Fuck---I guess I'm that obvious and easy to read.

Later on, he also inspected Asian boy only to later phone me about it.

Several times when Asian Boy and I have spotted each other, I've seen random people just staring at us. I think a better word is gawking. At first I thought that Asian Boy must know these individuals, but then I'd see him ignore the third person completely. I didn't know how someone could just stand less than six feet from us and just stare like that--I disregard it b/c to some degree I'm used to it now, but I'm suprised that he can do the same.

Partly I feel bad b/c without being sure of his sexual status--I've sort of drawn the attention of other people to him who otherwise might not have blatantly stared at him, an occurence I do not doubt transpires at least occasionally.

I feel guilty for outing some people in my interactions with them. Although, it seems to be a pesky problem.

With another kid, I went to dinner with him and a few of his friends. By the end of the night, some of them mentioned to me--I know he has a girlfriend, but is he exactly straight? He stared at you a great deal throughout the night.

Apparently he was really good at doing it when I wasn't looking b/c I hadn't caught him.

My regard for a stupid social reputation based on an inaccurate perception of myself hurt my own person. I'm angry at myself for that--I hope that this doesn't happen to AB. His boat doesn't seem to be too far off from the one I once sailed.

More Mercy

I saw gorgeous tonight at the gym... finally, after missing yesterday.

I had a rough week at work, and there was a fucken end of week meeting schedules--which made no fucken sense b/c we weren't talking about anything that needed to be talked about any time soon.

I had one errand I had to run for one of my big bosses. I scheduled it smack in the middle of the meeting--so I had to miss.

I still was late to the gym--I thought I was going to miss Asian boy. But he was there, and apparently had just started.

He came up behind me and patted me on the shoulder to say hi. I turned quickly to him with a smile and said hi in Asian again. But this time, I had a friend teach me how to say, "How are you doing?" as well.

So as he walked away, I said it and he whipped around back. He smiled and was confused. Apparently I said "Goodbye" in a related Asian language as well. He taught me how to say it right. I offered a spot. He said, next set. So I stretched by him, and we chatted a bit. We were waaay more comfortable around each other finally.

So I spotted him on Incline Press, and he adjusted his clothes--half to pretend like he didn't want me to look, and also half way seeing if I was looking. Fuck--maybe he wanted me to look, cuz it was hard not to if he was going to fucken adjust everything after all.

Later, I started my sets, and he wanted another spot. The machines I was using were getting crowded. And prior to spotting him, I had mentioned how annoying it was to come to the gym later in the afternoon when it was full.

Right before starting his set, he said, look the machines are getting taken, you sure you want to spot me? A dumb question as he had his hands on the bar, and I was already positioned to spot him.

I looked over with a somewhat feigned worried look. I also thought, what a retarded question. He must think I'm comfortable with the fact that I am attracted to him and clearly going out of my way to suck up to him. I replied playfully, so hurry the fuck up. He broke into a laugh and started.

Later, he saw me struggling with a weight, but I had to put it down before he could come over. I don't know why, but I sort of wanted him to be as devious about skillfully planning to come and spot me. I know he has before timed his sets in that way for him to get a spot frome. I am retarded in thinking this way... whatever. I don't want to have to ask. Yet, with him as well, I wanted him to ask. Neither of us wants to appear to express desire for the other. We're too cool for that... stupid.

During a subsequent set, he started rushing towards me again b/c I was struggling but again, I lost the weight too early. Then I started with dumbells presenting virtually no opportunity for a spot without being flat out gay.

We ignored each other for th rest of the workout, and then one of his friends showed up, who did actually ask him for spots and shit. So, I was out of the pic. I finished and was going to say "Later", but he was talking to his friend. I'm pretty sure he saw me approach to say bye. Oh well, hopefully I'll c him tomorrow.

I want to be suave enough to come out to him without being clumsy about it at all. I'd like to let him know that yea--I majorily dig him. But that part of the reason that I like him is b/c he's hot, and I don't think he's an asshole, despite his reaction to me, which I think is a separate issue. Whether he likes me or not, pursuing a friendship would still be worthwhile to me. At least that is my current sentiment, which could change if I were to like him more and he proved to definitely not be into me.

A different guy was also at the gym. He's been wanting to hook up with me for a while. We've chatted online before and we know we're both gay. He's been reluctant to just approach me though in real life, I have too b/c I am a bit skeptical about his comfortableness with being out. I also have a stereotype that gay guys are catty and competitive. His inability to just approach me makes me think he's insecure. But he's out and that's way more than Asian Boy.

This other boi is not a bad catch either. He's waaay tall---more than me, which I really like. Dark blonde hair and a sexy year-round light golden tan. He has blue eyes and an articulated brow. However, his attitude makes him to me so predictable, at least in my head. When I see his reactions to me, I feel like I'm fucken watching a movie on repeat. With Asian boy, its usually something unexpected. I think I know what's going on and then it changes. Novelty is prime in any relationship--esp the initial childish ones.

I felt bad for Blondie--I was working out near him and he was sort of freaked by how aloof I was to him. I couldn't help it--Asian Boy was in the room. I've decided to go out this weekend--so I might run into Blondie b/c I know he digs this area's gay scene. I wonder if he'll be too fed up to talk to me.

I felt bad about leaving Asian Boy without making an overt attempt to talk to him more or actually make a concrete move. But, I guess I have to get comfortable with him being comfortable. I also realized that he's enjoying the power trip of having another man being into him--another guy who is someone he's impressed by athletically.

I remember that was a really big deal for me early on. The first time I nabbed a bruiser, I could scarcely talk to him but I wanted to make him react as often as I could. I luved watching this super big broad shouldered square jawed sexy buff man go to pieces whenever I would tease him. It was nauseatingly self centered and stupid, but a lot of fun and to me exceedingly useful in proving to me that indeed this was possible for me.

Although Asian boy is hot and others tell him so, he may not totally see it the way they do.

Wanting so Bad

Tonight I just want to be gay sooo badly. Not just homosexual, but happy--hahaha. Perhaps its the fact that I slept an extra few hours last night or that my stimulants are kicking in well today, but I am in a kick ass mood.

I read some excellently enheartening shit today on the Great Cock Hunt--a blog I read. The latest entry entitled "Intimacy" is phenomenal. It very much echoes the sentiments regarding the sacrifices necessary in relationship that NSSG recently wrote about as well. It seems that everyone is on the same page--except for Mr. Jared on Completely Naked who apparently found a near flawless man--gorgeous, intelligent, caring, and a great fucker. But that's enough of my take on the gay blogosphere.

Yesterday I got great news from a business deal I set up for my father. The figures got into him last night and he, thrilled and yet concerned, phoned me. He didn't expect it, and gave me access to more of his assets to invest for him as well. He has been incredibly reluctant to share information regarding that particular form of capital with me. I've been wanting to invest it for him for quite a while now and made the proposition to him a long time ago.

Still, I understood that giving access was not the main point of his call. As I began to get off the phone, his tone of voice changed, and he wanted to talk. He seemd concerned about something, but I couldn't tell what. He mentioned issues at one of his other jobs.

This other job is not about making money. He does it because he believes in it. While he still makes a pretty penny off of it, its been taking some rough punches from others in that field. He built a large part of this organization from the ground up, and now, it may not survive. He hasn't told me all that much about it--I later figured because talking about it in that way hurt too much--but its gotten media attention for a while now, and some of his close friends and colleagues have also mentioned it to me.

One of my siblings had called earlier this week--bitching about how much he hates our family and wishes he could have a different one. Yes, he got the short end of a lot of shit. That fact is undeniable. But he's been given many many chances and now he's succeeding in his field of choice. However, he does have a hard time dealing with the relational consequences of the shit that went down in our family previously.

I told him he had to forgive and accept us as we were. He said we were the most two-faced people he had ever known. I said such was the case because we're the people he knows the best. Get to know anyone and the duality of their being becomes apparent.

He didn't like that. He also though I had too much pull in the family. I confirmed his resentment towards me for that point. Oh, well...

I alluded to Rosseau and another thinker who coined the term "Every other is every other". Humans are all one--many of us just don't realize it. Our connection to that collective is our family. You cannot accept yourself or others separately, including the fam.

He said he had to do something with his anger. I didn't advocate the contrary. He still needed to just fucken come to terms with shit. He's young. I love him nonetheless a great deal and I hope he gets through these points soon.

Going--Vulernability

This week's been a killer at work. The first year on the job has been known to be a crash course in office politics. Although I've worked a great deal during school, rarely was I at the epicenter of such nastiness. This morning I took a significant step in allaying some of my stress... So I can breathe a bit easier ;)

I've been working on the last realization I had regarding selfishness.

I found myself in a serious internal conflict regarding Asian Boy. The whole time I can't get over how petty and inconsequential this whole dynamic is. But like the subtitle of my blog puts forth--I find often that many of my core issues come to the light and come into play in these petty situations.

For the past couple days, I have reminded myself that crushes for me usually relate to some deeper need or desire I perceive the other person to be able to meet in a uniquely complete way. Without making this more convoluted or nebulous, Asian boy's troubled expression, gym obsession, and artificial ego bear striking relations to my own insecurities.

Although I became privy to his context after my crush had set in fully, I now know that his current social situation is very similar to my own when I was his age. He attracts attention, is considered unique, endures certain sucritiny, yet attempts to maintain some semblance of an authentic social identity.

One of my fag hags put it the best when she said, "He's got to be an interesting and multi-layered individual." I queried, "Why?"

"Because," she says, "so many people are interested in him and who he is, and he is clearly so confused and does not want to shut any doors to himself by taking a bold stance on his identity such that he has to keep his life on a 'Need-to-Know-Basis'. He has to have multiple and viable versions of his identity that he can feed to different people despite the fact, that unlike most folks, his set of id's may be in steep contradiction to one another."

Indeed, bi-, straight, or gay, people try and guess. Just how Asian or is whether he is one by birth alone is another question. Inclusively his geographic origins and upbrining are not clearly cut. Although his heritage in general calls for strict traditionalism, his parents have already broken with some major conventions.

I also came to the conclusion with the aid of my fag hag, that I was conflicted because I still had a hunch that he liked me, and that his remark was not representative. My fag hag noted that perhaps his remark last time had been a result of me being to aggressive and controlling in my interactions with him. A light went off--that was exactly it. John Henryism is a major trait of mine, however, I had not until this past week realized that this approach is not good in social relationships. I can control many aspects of my situation--I cannot control how others will react to me--no matter how much I try to understand them as a set of systems.

I gave him the benefit of a doubt--perhaps the most desired gift I would have liked during that particular time in my life and also decided to give him much more breathing room and space to react and direct the rapport. After ignoring briefly him one time at the gym (I was way too upset to actually say anything), the following afternoon I greeted him--as if nothing had ever happened. He was tense, and asked me, "How are you?" I wanted to say something more than the usual, but I backed off, smiled warmly, and said, "I'm good."

He seemed to be hinging on my response. After perhaps noticing how limited my response was, he nodded, and then we parted ways and proceeded with our workouts. I didn't pay too much attention to him that time. Still, he caught me looking once and I saw that it evoked a noticeable reaction in him. I couldn't tell what it was, but he seemingly didn't expect me still to be paying him close attention.

I ignored him the rest of the workout, up until I had to leave. He was doing situps while facing the exit way. As I hauled ass out of the gym, I turned to him with big, open, curious, and somewhat cautious eyes and waved while flashing him a sort of peace sign with my hand.

He looked up confused, recognized me, got surprised, and then burst into a very big and broad knowing smile. I was somewhat confused too, but happy to have apparently gotten over this dumb hump in the rapport.

The next day wasn't like most of the previous times, where he waits until I make it clear that I want to say hi in order for him to acknowledge me. He paused near me, I lookekd up, and he greeted me. I nodded with a smile and continued stretching.

I waited until he was resting in between sets, approached, and greeted him formally in his language. He smiled again. It was sweet and warm. This time we talked about our workouts, and while we were still awkward, we got further than usual--pathetic on my behalf, but I learning... he he.

Later, we talked again, and he started sports conversation. I didn't know the actual sports facts and stats he was talking about, but I did know the business side to it. Hilarious enough--he was suprised by what I had to say. I knew the business of that sport rather well--the owners, the profit margins, and in what ways the money may actually determine who wins and when.

I was pithy in my replies, but he was somewhat stunned by what I said, because it was insider information. I erred and overdid it. Next time I'll just admit ignorance instead of veering the conversation towards my expertise.

Later, I approached him again and asked if he did anything for Halloween. He had gotten nervous again, as I neared. But I made it clear with my body language that I intended it not to be an involved conversation. He was still thrown off by the question somehow, I saw in his expression the arousal of his social ego as he was about to reply, but then it deflated itself, and his expression went vulnerable--open and somewhat scared--as he said flatly, "Nothing."

I smiled back and said, "Neither did I. I went to bed early as a treat to myself." He nervously and half heartedly smiled as he looked away from me.

Afterwards, we worked around each other without talking. I caught him following me with his eyes at one point. I was flattered but didn't give away catching him. I was going to ask him about his workout, but he left when I wasn't looking. My question will have to wait.

I realized in talking to my fag hag, that in the past, I rarely intently listened to what he had to say. I proverbially waited for my turn to speak while we conversed. I'm trying to change that by being less take-charge and more receptive to him as a person. I know I observe him real well, but that's not actually being interested in what he has to say.

I am ugly for not paying attention to him in that way. I like him--more than for the fact that he's beautiful. But, I have trouble in letting go of my own prejudgments and opinions of someone. I can figure many things out about a person, but I don't want this to be about figuring him out like that. I want to learn to do relationships like ejoyable tennis games and not cut throat struggles fueled by the octane of my insecurity.

I dated a guy one time who was a genius. One time, he mentioned that he had dreamed about me the previous night. I asked him to tell the dream. But he said no--with concern. I asked, "Why not?" He said, "Because I don't want you figuring me out." I smiled devilishly like a fiend, and said, "What makes you think I haven't figured you out already?"

My game with him ended, and I seemingly emerged with the upper hand. I found out much of what comprised the fibers of his character. I was vulnerable to him without actually risking pain. I can do that somehow--it sucks. If minds and souls are like fighters, his was a a super-trained gladiator. I knew that--and consequently I sought to subdue him prior to opening up to him.

Have you ever wished that you could have relationships without risk? To get to know someone well and to taste their souls, without having to give back or even take the risk of them taking back? I have.

Somewhere along the way I learned to make sure that people did not have the ability to hurt me. They could have access, but that did not mean they could hurt me. On the contrary, I could use their getting to know me to my advantage. I'm tired of that now.

Knockdown

So I'm letting go of Asian Boy. I crush like a fucken 13-yr old girl. Its so bad.

The day after I tried to ask him out but failed miserably--I worked out, saw him come into the gym, but not the weight room. I must have scared him off I thought. He must be running from the homo who keeps trying to hit on him.

As I was leaving, I made random eye contact with him. It was very immediate as it was unexpected. He was just using one of the cardio machines between the weight room and the exit. He had a troubled look--anxious or something like that. But although the eye contact was somewhat intense, it was also random, quick, and he wasn't within shouting distance. So I just walked on and left.

The next day, or yesterday, I was working out as usual and he walks in. He usually ignores me until I say hi to him, so I just proceeded to do the same to him. Except this time, he came to workout near me and paused while looking at me. So I looked back, he half smiled and said hi. I did the same. He didn't seem at ease but neither did he seem anxious.

I thought--Okay, things aren't so bad. My rambling last time made my attraction to him obvious. If he was homophobic perhaps he might have just chosen to ignore me as usual. Perhaps he is also attempting to avoid having me come over to him.

I was supersetting and he was working in between my two machines. He was right about to start a set when I offered him a spot. He got caught in a long contemplation of this decision--he looked away from me, and he was thinking hard, not about the spot but b/c he knew that there was more to it. He was half way smirking but at the same time anxious. I think I'm scaring the be-jeezus out of this kid.

He says, sure. I spotted him and then proceed to my supersetting.

A couple sets later, he again stares at me, I look back, and he asks for a spot. Cool--perhaps I didn't scare him away I think to myself.

While I'm spotting him--I can see all of him. He was wearing a light nylon white tee. He's beautiful and not over buffed. He works hard, and presses the weight two reps past his max. I encourage him and then move on. He goes to a different machine. A few sets later I am again working near him. I had the option not to do so, but I picked the machine closest to him.

I noticed him struggling, so I went over and spotted him. He says thanks. I tink I'm over doing it at this point. But then he asks for another spot, and asks me to take off some weights after he reaches failure.

Later, he's doing ab work and he catches me while in between supersets and asks me if I need any spotting. I was working with machines and obviously doing high reps. So I said that I didn't need one now, but thanks. He then said he felt bad b/c I always spot him, and then says that I should ask if I need one.

I said, okay thanks. I thought about this and in retrospect, didn't think about it well. I swear my brain must become a Cuisinart whenever I am in situations where I am trying to make a move on a guy who makes me nervous--all my logic becomes tangled.

I thought--maybe he wants to workout together. We're here at the same time almost everyday--and its not pre-planned. Although we do different types of workouts, I would like to add variety to mine. One time he seemed to express some disappointment at the fact that I was leaving the gym when he was coming in--clearly he must want to workout together. I write this last sentence with retrospective sarcasm.

So I go up to him and said just that--hey, do you just want to workout together sometime?
He says, "I just said if you needed a spot, not if you wanted to workout together." Knockdown.

He smiled as he saw the stunned expression on my face and then he said, We do different things.

I said, I was just saying b/c we're here at the same time often, and I would do some of the stuff you do if I had a spotter. I just don't like slow workouts, but with a partner that wouldn't be a problem. I was pissed.

I start to put my headphones back on again, and he was still smirking a lot. I was really pissed, as I was adjusting my headphones and walking away he says, perhaps sometime later this week. I was too annoyed to even consider what he said and thought it retarded after his remark.

So I half-way turned back to him, pretended not have heard his last sentence, and said, well let me know if you do want to workout sometime. I was done with my workout, so I then left.

His response was so quick and rude. I got the sense that he had foreseen it--was thoroughly amused by that fact, and then knocked me for it without any effort to be polite about his desire to not workout together. Such were my thoughts at the moment. I didn't know what to make of his smirky comeback offer--I howeverd did know that it was vague and weak. I was also majorily high at the time on stimulants, during which times I can be very abrupt and hurried.

I was to some degree glad that at least he's amused by my chase for him, because likely he's not totally straight. Alternatively, either he is either socially retarded when it comes to guys--a possibility, or he's just taking a sadistic approach to a gay dude at the gym.

I've been majorily out of touch with my former fag hags. But, I needed someone to talk to about this who would get it quick and offer good insight.

I called one up--she asked his name. Her analysis of the situation was that he was being catty, half way in the closet, and taking the opportunity to mess with the whole idea of another guy.

Damn--she researches a million times better than me. Within a couple hours, she phones me back and apparently had found out a lot about this dude. She previously had crushed on a good friend of his and had some connections to his clique.

Her results included that he's never had a gf and several hot girls have publicly and desperately solicited his "companionship". A few of his male friends think of him in homoerotic ways and seem to be unusually vocal about it. There has been some talk that he has had male hook ups at other peer universities--its unclear whether its in jest or not. The males in quesitons however were not suspect by virtue of their attractiveness. However, the fag hag noted that no such suspicions exist about males at our campus. Some of his friends do joke that he is bisexual and that it is a "secret"--although its not the most prevalent joke.

It's not his fault--he's just young. However, I crush too hard--so in that sense I am young too. I haven't had much experience with chases where it was not certain that everyone there was gay. Plus, this guy is uberly straight-acting. Inferring this ahead of time based on mannerisms was impossible.

I have to schedule another date soon with someone out and who is normal.