Back to Square One

So I went through this horrible weekend where I just totally thought that Asian boy was not happening.

I actually cried. Yes--stupid. I thought about a lot of things and why I would be reacting in this way. I came up with several realizations including the need to move to a gay neighborhood and joining more gay organizations. I have my check list all worked out.

I'm not used to being rejected. It sounds conceited yada yada and spoiled yada yada--but its true. From the first time I stepped into a gay club to the moment I decided to be more open about my sexuality at school--I've had the extraordinary luck of consistently getting the attention of the guys I liked--the really hot ones. Even though relationships rarely worked out, I knew that attraction was not the issue. Although that spark is necessary, its not enough to carry anything. Still, turning heads and getting ogled was nice.

Asian boy's aloofness was a fucken bucket of ice water on a kid who has spent a very long time in a hot tub.

I called an old friend--who was of the same asian origin as him. We chatted. She's very homophobic. I've slowly eased her into the idea. She actually came with me once to a gay club.

She suspected I had a thing for one of her own. Why else would I be suddenly trying to practice my asian language skills on her so much lately?

I confessed, and I sensed her disapproval. She's super proud about her heritage. I don't think she's into the mixing of the races in that way. Plus, she's homophobic and here I was nibbling at the type of guy she would marry. Oh well.

She was rather stark with me. I wanted her to be, for this reason I called her. She was blunt. Aloofness is only to be expected. Males in patriarchal cultures are doted upon--and if he's hot--then forget it. He's going to expect being served on hand and foot. Ick I thought. I would still bet that Asian boy has a sensitive and good streak in him--I swear I can see somewhere in his attempt at stoicism. I'll have to see if its my imagination.

I told her the main points of our interactions. She said he has demonstrated interest as per an Asian dude but that he was being uberly cautious. He would be--b/c she said he wouldn't know what the hell to make of me as ambiguous as I can be. She seemed to be right. That was my earlier reading through much of the situation.

Experiencing him thus far has reminded me tremendously of a previous crush, when one of the hottest guys I knew--who wasn't clearly "out"--was into me. I didn't know what to do. The ambiguity was far more overwhelming than I expected. I love doing the dude-thing b/c of its thorough novelty. Although some scripts have been written for the homosexual relationship, they are far more fluid than the hetersexual stories. Still, I was unprepared for the sheer unpredictability. The guy was just way to outside the gay box. It was super hard for me to believe that he was gay--let alone be interested in me. Had I believed it--I would've been so into him, I would have been beside myself in fear. So I did what I knew to do best--I pushed him away.

He tried and he tried, but eventually the whole thing fizzled and I calmed down. I just wasn't that ready or comfortable with myself yet. I had to start with someone in whom I had less interest and who would wield less control over me. I couldn't let someone do that much damage to me so quickly.

I doubt I'm to that degree the same type of guy for Asian boy--but I do get the sense that he has pushed me away for the sake of his own control.

So I backed away even more, and made a decision--I would be nice to him for the sake of doing so. NSA not in terms of sex, but in terms of kindness. Someone once said that love is long suffering and kind. I decided to give something like that a chance. That's how we got back to square one.

He noticed less neediness in me, and I stopped trying to play any sort of "game". I was just nice, and consistently so. It seems to have worked. We've had more conversation, despite the fact that he still seems nervous around me. We also finally exchanged info.

He's been more comfortable with me and felt free to express his interest--its just going to take a while to move anywhere. It won't be the typical fast forward whirlwind ordeal. I'm earning my toaster, if I am to get it at all.