Becoming an Asshole

Perhaps you wonder--'becoming'??? But, in my own little mental world, I haven't been an asshole thus far. But it's happening... in very discrete and certain increments. I've become a careerist and as I progress into this realm, I realize I have other things that most people in the careerist world don't have. When you put all of this together, I sort of stand lonely in terms of 'packaging'. I'm such a retard.... why do I rate people? why do I just chose not to relate to certain people? why not just base everything on being human--that which is truly universal? EXTREME insecurity. Ugh and yuck.

It seems as if 1L is more into me now since we met. How unexpected. The prof who is also in that city, about whom I wrote here, ironically is less into me ever since that little sentence he dropped that bothered the shit out of me. When I last saw him, I asked for a rec for a particular school. He declined, but added, Yea, I hear that at that school, the undergrads actually sleep with the professors. He said that as he waved goodbye. Freudian slip... perhaps.

He stood me up in NYC. My theory is that cock rules the day. To believe this theory whole heartedly though would be to set myself up for it become true. It doesn't have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.