My Reply and the Ensuing Consolation

He's soo into me---OMG. It's a bit overwhelming at times. I guess he's a romantic in that way. He's a militant romantic if that oxymoron could ever be the case.

If I'm ever down on myself, he says/writes to me, "Don't make me make you blush." In other words, he knows that he can make me blush with his compliments. He's just THAT good with his words.

Soo... onto my response. I was honest. I had to be. His honesty was just so unabashed that not reciprocating would have been a crime.

That's what I started off with--his honesty and his strength to be vulnerable. I then assured him that he was indeed among my closest friends, and I reminded him that I was the one adamant to meet him and excited to move our friendship forward.

Then I wrote that he was a 'first' for me in many ways--in particular, he was somebody who could inspire me to be sexual without being 'my type'. I didn't think that was possible. (His compliments get me hard.) I wrote that this situation was confusing to me because I am SUCH an aesthete. I didn't know yet where this could go, but that I was no idiot and knew that looks was not the only way with which to connect with someone romantically. Most importantly, I was comfortable exploring this possibility with him. I wrote that I had MUCH to learn. Finally, I concluded with two things. I wanted to get to know him better, in person, and that I wasn't going to give up our friendship no matter what happened.

I wrote the reply immediately after his message. Despite the brevity of my response (we were on gchat), it took him a while to provide me any response. When he did, he just said he was confused and had to run to class.

I FREAKED out. I know it hurts to be rebuffed by someone you like. I've lost several a friend as a result. It takes a lot to be able to befriend someone with whom the 'chemistry' isn't reciprocal.

I texted him later that day, b/c well. I was worried. He texted back that he was having champagne with friends b/c one of them had gotten into his top choice masters program. Before I could text him back, he sent me another message asking me how I was doing. I said I was pensive and swamped with work.

He jumped at the term 'pensive' and asked about what???? I honestly said--I was afraid of losing him. He replied, "That's not possible."

I got WAAAAAY relieved, and in that split moment, I realized just how important he was to me. UGH---I hate feeling in any sort of way reliant on ANYbody. I DETEST IT.

Finally, we spoke that evening. He was different, quiet, and distant. He kept talking about impersonal matters and when he began breaking down to me the entire art-legal system---I just about realized--Fuck, I screwed up. I've done something to impede his vulnerability.

So I said, you know, you got my reaction to your e-mail, but I haven't yet gotten your reaction to my response. He thought for like a whole minute before saying. Just know that though we will always be friends, what I wrote to you in that e-mail is true. I could've gasped. He didn't want to talk about it. He sort of assumed that I just didn't feel the same way. I freaked and after some build up, just said--Look, you have the ability to turn me on, so I'm not eliminating the possibility of a romantic relationship. It's just new territory for me.

Oh man did that change his tune. I also proposed going to visit him--it coincided with my Landmark program. He jumped at that--and just said--"Come." He seemed to be elated. He had written to me prior, just randomly over chat, how unbelievable it was that I was moving to his city, just as he was moving away. We both however like to travel a good bit, so I don't see this being a major problem. But that's just me.

He was soo happy. The following day his away message was, "Having a great week." When I asked him why his week was going so well, he said, "Well my friend got into his masters program, you got a scholarship, and you're coming soon..." He brought it up again later. I was soo flattered. I could hardly stand it!

I won't go into how weird it is to have someone be... gulp.... so much more excited about you than you may be about him. I mean, honestly, I love him, and I'm excited to go back, but... his excitement just seems qualitatively different. I briefly alluded to his last dinner party, and he quickly offered to host one for me.... so that I could meet his friends. That was sweet, but I declined and said that I would rather spend less time preparing the whole meal and more time actually getting to know him. He said he blushed so hard at that.

Since all of this has transpired, we've been able to delve deeper because we've been more honest with each other. Yet at the same time, I feel a bit odd.... I feel a little bit like a trophy in that, I'm pulling all the attention... This dynamic cannot hold for long.... question is, how will it change, and what will be the result.