Heartbreaker

I'm having a vain and self-centered moment. Surprise, surprise, huh? ☺

So a month ago, I went out with Steroid Boi (SB). I was having an "on" night, and it seemed that he was having an "off" night—that is he didn’t seem ‘up’ and excited. He pointed out this hot older guy who he liked, and in an effort to help out his mood I went to play wingman and got ‘Marcus’ to come over and talk to us. They didn't hit it off. I had excused myself to the bathroom in order to help out Steroid Boi, but when I came back, Marcus was gone.

That night, I danced as un-self-consciously as a child and Steroid Boi got bored, so he left. Later that evening Marcus comes up to me and starts hitting on me and I give him my number just so we can part ways. He was happy. He goes to our gym, and though I had never seen him before, apparently he had seen me that same day.

I run into him at the gym, and I sort of freak out. He's has that downcast "u never called me" look on his face. I chat it up with him and end the “how’ve u been?!?!” conversation by telling him that if I go out I'd give him a call to see if he was out as well so that we could meet up.

Stupid, stupid me. Last night, I saw him while I was out. I and steroid boi's roommate were out walking and went by a restaurant. He was outside sitting with another guy out on a patio. The other guys was FUCKEN GORGEOUS GORGEOUS, GORGEOUS. He was this hot Asian guy, with a hot face, a perfect v-shaped torso, tanned, wearing a skin-tight white waffle long sleeve. The Asian guy had his hand on Marcus’ thigh as he seemed to be on Cloud 9 while talking to him.

What happened next blew me away. Marcus looked at me, got whiplash, and looked at me again. He shot me this awfully hurt look that just got to me and I thought, “What a fucked up situation where I want the Asian, but I think the Asian would never even look at me, because I am definitely not the sexy older type, yet here is the sexy older one looking at me as if I’m something special.”

I was nonchalant about the whole thing, and so I just waved at him and smiled in a friendly light way. I was in my business casual attire, so I hope he could tell that I wasn't out to have fun necessarily that night but just to meet my obligations of keeping in touch with my friends.

So last night, I was telling 1L--can't we all just workout some big system, you know, like the 'matching' system in medical residencies or law firm interviews at schools where we all just rank our preferences and get ‘matched’?

1L’s response was “that takes out all the excitement.”

Later yesterday, I went to my supplements shop to pick up some vitamins. There's this guy who works there who has been quite into me in the past. He’s pretty much always stared at me really hard and one time after paying, he stuck out his hand to shake mine.
Clerks don't really do that, so I was confused. Though bewildered, I shook his hand. When he got my hand, he shook it, and then moved his grip down to my fingers, and then bent my hand the way a groom does his bride or how a guy does with a girl he's with whom he's dancing. He held it firmly, and yet softly. It was pretty erotic combination of holding something firmly but gently. He also had soft skin. Then he slightly raised my hand. At this point, I’m freaked of course and so I look up at him. He was totally prepared for that because he immediately shot me the most romantic gaze and then winked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just yanked harder at my hand. He released it, and I just stood there long enough to nervously smile at him, and then I turned around and left.

He's SOOOOO fucken smooth and cute in his way of going about it that though—he’s not my type—I don’t mind his advances. I mean, he like makes me want to melt with the stuff he says, does, and with just his mannerisms and all (so chivalrous!), and he even has a really hot body… really hot actually, but he’s just not my type.

I haven't seen him in like forever. Today, he was fixing stuff over by the juice section, which is where i was headed. I recognized him b4 he looks up, and when he did, he was stunned. Again, he did a double take and his mouth dropped slightly open. I was almost freaked out.

It took him a second to say hi and i just smiled. he was scared to move in my direction, like he froze. it was soo weird. so i asked, 'how are you?' in a friendly tone.
He jogged himself out of his catatonic state and came towards me, shook my hand, and asked what i was getting. i said, 'oh the usual'.
then he immediately walked ahead of me, and proceeded to check me out ahead of everybody in line. i was making small talk to avoid the awkwardness, and as i'm checking out, he asks me, how i've been, etc, etc, and eventually he cleverly weaves in, so what r u up2 the rest of today?

i said, coffee with my godmother and then dinner with my dad, and the gym. he again stuck his hand out to shake it and he did the same 'princess' hand hold and wink ALLOVER AGAIN. OMG--itkilled me.

it's really fucken endearing, especially, when it comes from these really macho men. But all in all, what really gets to me is what I see in their eyes. Whatever it is—it’s insanely intense.

i mean, i can count the number of guys i've EVER looked at in that way. Here's the vanity--they make me seem like some sort of heartbreaker, which is the most awful thing in the world and the guys whom in my life, i've HATED the MOST. so maybe, these guys are just desperate though because i don't get those looks often.

I had this conversation with 1L, and here was his response.

You are, in one sense, a heartbreaker, in that you are truly worth falling for. You're funny and fascinating and beautiful, and guys are going to be into you, including any number in whom you are not interested in return. But that doesn't mean you have to be the kind of heartbreaker who toys with people, or uses the fact that people are into him. The kind of guys you've most hated, I would guess, are guys who get off on the attention of anyone who will give it, sort of the power of it. You're not that way at all. As flattering as you find it when these guys are interested, you also seem sort of... honored by it, when it strikes you as genuine. And a little embarrassed. Basically, despite your sometimes uncertainty about the fact, you're just too decent to be the kind of "heartbreaker" you're worried about becoming.

It’s unbelievably ironic to write his response now, and such is the advantage of keeping a blog—you get an often crazy glimpse of how stark the contrast is between what you once thought, and how you think now.