PB & Beff

Blogging at the airport-- a first for me. Yesterday was crazy--my first day as a breather from apps, lots of working out, finally chilling with my best friend (Bef), and dinner with PB. I'll go in reverse order:)

PB
We were both on our cell phones with each other as we reached the sushi bar where we were to meet. "Can you see me?," he asked, as I spotted him. He was wearing a skin tight mocha brown sweater with white trim. Long bangs came around his forehead and down the sides of his face. He smiled big and waved at me. As he walked closer I saw the rest of him--butt hugging faded jeans and red shoes. His go-lucky unself-conscious smile, parade-like wave of the hand, and overly-trendy clothes--OMG--he was sooo gay.

A bit dumbfounded by the whole get up and demeanor, I had to force out a smile to hide my shock. As he walked up, I looked over his incredible body. He looked bigger than he did in his pictures. Usually with models its the other way around.

He got closer and I began to scramble mentally as I didn't know whether to hug or shake his hand--after all we had chatted on line for a long time, and I knew more about him it seemed than guys with whom I had already hooked up.

We shook hands, smiled big, and said hello, nice to meet you.... I was uncomfortable. I just had so many preconceptions and fears heading into the encounter. "Table for two," please I ordered. "Of course, right this way...." 'Here we go' I thought.

It wasn't until we sat down that I had a chance to really check him out. His torso was incredible—a voracious v shape with curves everywhere: shoulders, biceps, pecs, back, and hips. His muscles were so separated that I could distinguish through the material where each began and ended. His hair was medium length and hung over his large and prominent forehead and reached almost to his eyes. His facial skin was unexpectedly flawed bearing obvious acne scars throughout. Some of the make up from the shoot remained--boy did he wear a LOT. I could tell because the scars unexpectedly ended and then picked up again. His cheekbones were gorgeous, while arched eyebrows reached across his entire face framing his eyes.

He was confident and totally at ease. That helped me calm down a bit, but I was still nervous as shit. We covered all the usual. What do you do for a living, what'd u do in school, where have u lived, what kind of guys do you like, and so and so on.

He was cool. He had real answers to all my questions, and he listened well. I found myself talking more than I had intended--a good sign that someone really is listening to me as opposed to pretending that they are.

He's straight forward, honest, and open except for one detail. He's an exotic dancer, and he didn't tell me the entire evening.

We laughed and ate well. He's been modeling ever since he was 15. He got discovered at a swim meet. "A photographer noticed my build and asked me to model," he recounted. In college, he booked many more jobs and by the time he finished he was able to do it full time. He's been successful for nearly 3 years now.

At the end of the evening, I was left with the sense that he was intrigued by me. The feeling was mutual. We had tentatively scheduled for drinks later that evening, but later we canceled.

In thinking later on, I noticed myself drawing a distinction. I could picture myself 15 years in the future having someone like PB, but then I realized that having someone was not difficult for me. Sure, I could have someone gorgeous puttering around the house. Instead, the challenge was having someone to whom to give myself--this is what i desperately want. This would require someone I could really trust.