Landing Part 2

After dropping my mother off at the airport I came back to her place. She had just finished moving everything from our main house to her place. Pictures, old books, and high school stuff was lying around the living room.

I couldn’t help but pick a lot of it up and just look at it. Flipping through old high school texts, going back to find answers to these questions in the back of my head in books that have been only here at home. I didn’t want to watch television. I ended up reading and skimming through an old favorite book.

I went to bed exhausted.

Tonight, I went through all my old pictures. They were stored in a single large cardboard box. I’d always been way too neglectful with pictures. The previous night I had seen these old pictures of my mother. They are the most intimidating pictures of her because she looks so absolutely flawless. Everyone who sees them makes a big deal about them. She looks totally beautiful, effortlessly, and flawlessly. I found these recent pictures of her nearby. Despite her age, she hasn’t changed radically. Sure the sagging skin and change in texture, but the shape of her face and her dominant pronounced features are still there.

The pictures of my mother have also been on my mind because towards my latter years in college, I started to resemble her to a surprising degree. It was weird because growing up my whole life people commented on how much I looked like my father. Recently, I was with my godfather, father, and a client. She was looking at me intently and said that I had nice eyes. My godfather added—he looks like his father—in that real gruffly masculine way intended to detract from the comment. The client sort of surprised us all because she assertively stated—no he doesn’t. I don’t know why it was a big deal to me. Maybe because I’ve always wanted to be like my father or obtain his approval.

Going through the pictures, I realized that I was a rather awkward looking kid for a very long time. A very long time. I had not been so aware of this awkwardness. Moreover, a lot of my current flaws I thought a result of age have actually been persistent flaws of mine. My eyes have always had these slight bags under them. One side of my face has always had this crease in it that though subtle I thought was only a sign of age. My hairline has not actually changed very much. I just have a bigger forehead than I have previously thought. My jaw line and chin have changed considerably as have the definition of my cheeks. Perhaps the things I think change don't, and those I think to be the same really do change alot.

Beyond the physical, I’ve also noted my lack of awareness and social adeptness over the years. The journey for me has been a remarkably long one. I have been for most of my life and still feel that I am oriented or inclined towards cluelessness—or lack of awareness. I recognize it in my mother and sort of awfully have previously identified with it. My father also has facial expressions that speak of this attitude—but only in family pictures. In all other pictures, he’s very confident.