After confirming to AB that I would indeed pick him up, the morning came and I was up waaay earlier than usual to get all my erands in and still take him to the airport before work started.
I was wierded out by the fact that he wanted me to pick him up only an hour prior to his flight. International flights are supposed to be 2-3 hours pre-flight arrival. I actually planned on leaving early. I was going to send him an e-mail prior to let him know that I could pick him up earlier. But I opted away from this action because I figured--maybe he's uncomfortable with me doing him this 'favor'. Afterall, actions like this one make folk feel indebted to you. I sort of just wanted to do something nice--but its not as if I was unaware of the psychological influence behind reciprocation. So I thought, I'll give him a way out. I didn't even know why I thought that would be a way "out". But I thought--no need to pressure the kid or be smotheringly nice. Although, I had done that already.
The morning came and I was done with all my shit well ahead of schedule. My meals were cooked, prepped, and ready to go, and all my gym clothes packed. As I head out the door, I get a text message---it read along the lines of:
"I had to leave earlier. I figure you're asleep. Thanks so much for the offer. Happy holidays."
I was shocked. My intuition was right. I overstepped--this was stupid. I'm a fool trying to make something where nothing is.
I got to work mega early. Mid morning I felt myself go numb--emotionally. I quite literally felt it. Its insane. Then I started to disconnect. All those pretty "crush" moments in my head were slowly being sucked of any possible meaning, and this "person" was being extracted from me in every way possible bit by bit. I was sort of shocked at how quickly I was proceeding. Usually the whole thing takes a while longer.
The first and most god awful major symptom came early afternoon. I felt this claustrophobic loneliness. Suddenly, I had no one about whom to care. No one else about whom to think, "I wonder what they are upto? I wonder if they are feeling good? I wonder what we'll do later on?" This sounds as needy as any bitch could possibly get. But I guess that's where I was, have been, and perhaps am at.
I've felt this sensation of extreme separation, or "disconnection" before but rarely before so incredibly swiftly. I was like pulling a plug before the machine had even been turned off.
In the middle of a tense work meeting, I get a phone call from a different co-work to whom I owed an important deliverable. Fuck, I thought. I have to get through this meeting and call her right back.
Immediately following the meeting I opened my phone only to find that it read "4 missed" calls. I thought, WTF? I only remember missing one from my co-worker. I open and check the call log. Lo and behold--AB had called me four times that morning. I had been doing errands but still been checking my phone. How the hell could these missed calls just not show up???
I e-mailed him right away. A day later he responds saying that it was his error for not realizing he needed to be at the airport earlier. How could he not have known?
I didn't know what to make of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment