Normal

I just came back from a date... I've been on very few that are actual dates--u know set up and shit.

He's older--late twenties, Asian, cute, good body, and established. What was most overt was that he was grown-up. So that's why the date was so normal.

He asked real questions--from my origins all the way to my coming out experience.

We had a lot to talk about and we laughed. We talked past dinner time and then we walked around and did a little shopping before parting ways--it was a weeknight afterall.

It ended better than it began because when we first met--he was really really shy. We met at a coffee shop and then walked over to the restaurant. I tried making eye contact but he wouldn't. He didn't make eye contact nor did he seem to even directly look at me until we were sitting in the restaurant booth. That was weird to me because where I'm from--I'm used to the 3sec size up consisting of a top-to-bottom inspection. So I was a little nervous about how things would go since the date didn't start as per my previous experiences. As soon as we both laughed I felt better.

I can see why people do relationships--the stability, the security that the other person will likely not wrong you in certain ways, and the predictability. I know some people like it both ways--the novel and the broken-in. For a while, I've thought that I only ever needed the former. Now, I know that I need both. I just have to find the right balance.

Earlier today, the gym was wierd like before. Asian Boy and Zeus were both there. Asian boy ignored me, until he started using my machine. I asked if I could work in with him. He tried to talk to me without busting out into a grin. It was cute, but because he had just ignored me, I was just regular and really polite. I put off talking to him until after I was done with my workout.

Zeus was being his usual wierd self, stealing stares at me and then pretending to not know me whenever I came close to him. Unlike most weekdays, he was alone today and working out at an odd-hour--earlier in the day. I got off of work early today b/c tomorrow I have a late night work-related commitment.

I didn't want to permanently end our barely existent rapport. So I looked for one of those moments when two people know that no one is looking at them even though they are in a crowded place. I found a time like that--and so I stared at him confidently. He felt the stare and immediately looked right at me. His look--shrowded by public privacy was different than the usual oddities I've gotten from him. It was devoid of his pretentious pride that I have only recently gotten from him. Neither, did he have that annoying and knowing smirk on his face when he seems to be avoiding eye contact with me.

Instead, he was somewhat suprised--probably because I was being forward in my stare and it was loaded. I was letting him know I knew what was up and that in private--I wasn't scared of him--I just didn't want to deal with pretending, which is what would be necessary because of his gym-noteriety and his hottie-deaf girlfriend.

He stared at me back with comparable intensity and what seemed like focused curiosity. Like a male deer with large antlers that hears something in the distance and quickly looks at its point of origin--chest sticking out, on-gaurd, but with open and resolute curiosity.

I smiled and broke the stare. The gym was getting more full by the fucken minute.

Later, after my workout I saw Asian boy start on a machine that required sitting. I went over to talk to him and ask if he wanted to workout.

It was bad--real bad. I felt flat on my face. I started the conversation but I think I tried to hard and he often just left me hanging. He's so fucken cute. Its distracting. His body and his muscles are so fucken beautiful and full. They are distracting.

He wanted to move on with his workout, but I couldn't come up with a smooth exit--so I just rambled. It was painful.

There was no way to ask him to workout at that point. Finally, some guy asked if either of us was going to use the machine on which he sat. So I apologized and said that I was keeping him--and quickly left. I think he was a little wierded out by my quick exit. I didn't know what to do. I like this guy a lot. But chances are--he's not gay, or he won't go with fagdom.

Part of the problem with the conversation was that I had premised a significant part of it on my expectations of him being Asian. He wasn't meeting those expectations so my comments were met by his confused expressions.

Later I called up another Asian friend of mine and told him Asian Boy's response. My friend said Asian Boy and his family are whitewashed and overly Americanized.

That sort of made me think differently about his sexuality. Clearly, his family did not fit the mold. Still, I had fucked shit up--at least momentarily.

I very happily went on this date later--because I needed to have another Asian who was out, normal, and would be straightforward about any interest in me.

It sort of worked. I still like Asian Boy, but Asian Man is a really nice guy. I do not have to make a choice as of now--which is very good.