Pain

Just went out to lunch with New Boi. He was so different than the first two times we talked. He's reserved. I would say cautious. When I was saying what my way of engaging men was, he said, amongst other things, "I don't see the need for manipulation."

He's misinterpreted me. He's written me off.

It may be warranted. Why did I wait so long to ask him out?

He seemed to like me a lot. I didn't know if I liked him. I didn't want to overdo it.

He's not just a little cautious. He's very cautious. I've seen him be unguarded. It is a stark contrast to when he is with me.

I'm threatening. I know this. I know this almost every day of my life. When someone first sees me, when I open my mouth and they hear my words... That's just for starters too. Lord forbid they see or know other sides to me.

I am quite a force. Fearless in many ways and yet hobbled in others.

I feel like telling him what was going on inside of me. But it seems unnecessary contrary to my principle of being what I say and saying what I am. Is it not meant to be because we didn't have comparable levels of interest at first?

I hate to be so conceded--but at least for me, I am only that guarded when I really liked someone. But what was once intense attraction can so easily become intense repulsion. It seemed that way with Two as well.

I'm not safe to anyone. Am I two-faced and does everyone see this except for me?

Is there manipulation in my message of: believe what I say and not what I seem to feel?