Diseased Part 2

My disease rages on... and on...

I have found an escapist pleasure that satiated me for the past two days--the excised story line of Christian and Oliver from Forbidden Loves, the German Soap.

I vicariously experience the beauty of falling for someone and him falling for you.

That just really has not happened for me. For two people to mutually crush on each other at the same time?

So often, timing eludes me. With PB, I knew he fell hard for me, but it was before I crushed for him. With Deter, I suspect something similar has or might happen, even though I haven't even talked to him.


With a few others, such has been the case as well.

Nevertheless, timing cannot prove fully dispositive. Ugh, but alas, I abstract too much again.

I have suddenly realized that to an extent, I have turned the process of finding those who want to crush on me and exploiting their desire into an art. Almost instinctively I knew what to do with Geekman. Treat him like shit in a macho way, while alternatively demonstrating a sensitive side full of depth.

But I stopped myself. I wouldn't have in the past since I wouldn't have thought I could actually win him over. But after what happened with 1L, I have learned my lesson. People will fall for me, and I have to be responsible about it. I seduced 1L for my own kicks, and doing so turned into a disaster. Geekman has coupled happily, and while sure his boi is geeky like him and perhaps not a bombshell, Geekman seems to be happy. So, I won't be a side homewrecker. No Jolie moments for me. I don't want Geekman in the long run, so harmless fun at this point is not justifiable. I ceased and desisted.

Ironically, today, during our study group meeting, I wiped my ass with Geekman. We were steeped in disagreement over an issue, and I demolished his arguments in rapid succession. The battle was bloody and gruesome.

He smiled and laughed for the first time ever in my presence. It was amazing to see. He's cute and all, but the way in which he smiles. Its so shy and yet he's rapt in his experience of his joy when laughs and smiles. It was pretty amazing.

Despite his social retardation, Geekman knows he's all that. He's super brilliant and he has told me several times now how professors kiss HIS ass over it. He's also told me how he gets hit off every so often.

He's looking for affirmation, but I am hesistant to provide it for him. Perhaps I'm jealous, perhaps I'm afraid he'll take it the wrong way, perhaps I'm scared that he thinks himself superior to me. But these fears prove irrational. This kid looks up to me, asks me for advice, clings to me at every social function, and constantly asks me what I'm doing when I'm not in class.

Today, he told me online that he didn't believe in love until he met his current boyfriend. I could've melted. Its so cute!!!!! Especially since Geekman is a typical lawyerly asshole, through and through. We chatted about that for a while. I'll write more.

I love observing others in love. It's less risky than having to go through it myself :)