Backdraft / Backfire

Before I write about my little life--just an acknowledgment that today history will be made. I'm hoping for positive history, but nonetheless, one way or the other, it will be a historic night.

1L has been a bitch for a while now. Its been very hard with tons of work, and multiple occurrences of me just flipping out. Tis not hard to imagine ;)

One result has been that I feel so freakin' fugly--its disgusting. My near 10-pac has been replaced with a barely perceptible chubby-ass almost there 6pac. ICK.

Oddly enough, the attention I get hasn't died down at all. In fact it seems to be going full steam ahead. The only odd result of course is that I feel uber-self-conscious being looked at when I feel disgusting.

It bothers me. I look like shit and I hate being stared at in such a state. When I feel this way, I don't expect to be looked at so I probably become even more hyper-aware of when I am being looked up and down.

Today, I had skipped a workout from before and got soo little sleep and at the WRONG hours. So I felt even more crappy physically. Thank goodness Deter, that super cute hottie trainer I've been writing about lately, was on his way out, today, as I was heading into the gym.

I could breathe easy not feeling inadequate around his perfectly sculpted and tanned body. I went through the first half of my workout feeling all secure and happy that I could parade around like a fat ass without risking my fitness status around someone who has in the past tracked my whereabouts in the room.

As I finished my first round of exercises, I headed back into the lockerroom to get a refill of my workout drink from my bag. As I near my locker, I see two guys locking up right across from my locker. One in particular had what looked like extremely good cranial symmetry and gorgeous colors--a glowing tan and dark dark almost black hair. I'll call him Gorgeous for this post.

I didn't look at him more than my walking pattern would have called for, and I was totally non-chalant. I just thought to myself, "Oh, another pair of models working out." Nothing unusual at my gym.

I turned to my locker giving them my back, and after I finished pulling out my drink and the readings I needed I realized I needed to tighten my laces, and I also lightly felt as if I was under someone's gaze.

I turned to put my foot on the bench only to find that Gorgeous was staring right at me--and, being that he was nearly exactly my height, I turned and was staring right into his eyes--which must have been less than 2 feet away from my own.

I was stunned by his enormous almond shaped ice blue eyes framed by broad and arched eyebrows. WOOOOOF. His stare was intense and almost audibly communicated "WHO are YOU?"
I was thinking the same thing he was thinking, but the forcefulness of his gaze was many more times that of mine. I just didn't expect him to even be around since I had taken at least a minute in pulling my stuff out of my locker.

Shocked, I immediately looked down and began tying my shoelace.

W-T-F.

I chicken out in these moments because for one, they are totally unexpected for me. That guy was waaaaaay too hot to be looking at me that way. But, shit, I thought the same thing about Deter. I usually just block these super hot guys out of my awareness. What's the point? Its not like they are going to be into me, right?

Yet, perhaps the most authentic issue I have is that I'm afraid, 1. that after they keep looking, they will just find that they were mistaken--that I was nice from afar, but far from nice, u know that saying, right?

That scares me 2. because perhaps a more worst occurrence than being ignored by gorgeous folks is having their attention and desire only to lose it.

I'll snap out of it though. If it happens enough, I'll grow insensitive to it.

PS: As school gets crazier I find myself turning down more invitations to go out. I hope I don't burn any bridges. I cringe when I see my cell phone ring after having received text messages inviting me to go out. The gay bois here seem to somehow get all their work done and still manage to go out almost every night of the week. But I need sleep...