A lot like Love

I've always wanted to write on here about my first love. I can never write about it in a way that I deem satisfactory. however, a friend dragged it out of me to some coherent degree during an IM conversation. So here is the adapted overview version of that story. The point of the post is about being spoiled by something soo incredible the first time around--that you really don't know how you're ever supposed to live with anything less. It's also about real love and whether its forever and if having sex the first time around gives love the same chance. This related to my date this past saturday about which I will post soon. So here's the IM tale of my first amor.

Having exquisite taste and then getting some of it has the potential to sort of get u used to some pretty far out stuff. Geeee i'm so spoiled now. How am i supposed to go back 2 normal? I always thought this about my dudes, ironically especially about the guy I loved. He's unbelievably gorgeous in the face. When I went to NYC with him, I remember people literally tripping and falling over from the whiplash of seeing his face--and the indifference of those people is not unknown. My sister doesn't usually share my taste in guys, but when she saw him she also freaked.

A friend once noticed that i was more into bodies than faces. Well, in part i think it may be due to my first love its hard to picture afterwards someone as perfect faciailly as him there were so many moments where like time would stop because i would get a new angle of his incredible face. Its as if there endless possibilities with it. It was like the sky on a clear night: beautiful no doubt on the surface but filled with even more infinite details if u kept looking. I remember one night sitting on his porch. He loooked the best he ever did. He had just come back from a cruise and sitting there i realized why the greeks thought that the gods walked among us. Had he lived during that time they would've certainly thought him a god. No doubt. His beauty was just too fierce and intense. 'Daunting' would be an understatement.

While in Europe, we went to that museum that has all the famous greco roman art. i can't recall the name. I took latin for 6 years, so i grew up with pics of all these art pieces in my text books. He decided to take me there--he's so sweet--i guess b/c he figured i'd like it. He had been there several times already and seemed a bit bored once we got there but i was like in fucken heaven. All these statues of perfect looking people and even pieces of the real wall of babylon.

After going around for about 2 hours my eyes got used to the symmetry that underlied pretty much all of the art work. All those pretty cheekbones, deep set eyes, etc, etc. He was waiting for me at the end of the museum path. I still remember. He was sitting on the edge of a bench, hunched over, leaning his chin on his hand and his elbow on his knee, looking for me, and when he looked up it was sooo clear to me how his face was exactly the same as all of those in the museum. It freaked me out except, i think it took evolution a little longer to arrange such intense features in the same way as the other less articulate faces of the past. When I got back from that trip, I remember noticing that the world seemed different to me. I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. But then I realized, that my eyes had adapted--adjusted to his beauty. They had become accustomed to such wattage, that looking at regular people was not the same. It made sense--during that trip we basically slept through the days and spent the nights exploring alone on our own. So yea, i think that's part of the story of my facial burnout.

I love him. I'll never stop. It was his b-day this past month. I sent him a gift. He called me and told me that he loved it. I said that i was glad that he did. We don't talk like everyday but there isn't distance between us when we do. I'm rather confident that i know him better than perhaps anybody, and i'm pretty confident that he knows that. there were times when i would look at him and he would shit a brick--just b/c he knew that it was practically impossible for him to lie to me.

Sr year, he dumped his gf, who he thought he might marry. That was a big deal. I remember when he first got with her. We had gone to dinner that night and i shot him a look like i know what u're doing and he looked down terrified b/c he knew i did. He said that night i can see her being my gf for about 1.5 years. Then the night they broke up we smoked under the archways of the chapel, it was raining that night and there was a full yellow moon. I remember i asked him, how long were u guys together? hmmmm..... he said, about a year and a half. maybe a year and seven months, he finished. and i was like shit. did he know all along that's how long it would last?

Afterwards, he slowly got more and more depressed. We were in a class together that semester. I was in my super high powered academic mode getting str8 A's and i would wake up on adderall at 4am to do work. One night, i logged onto IM and he was on. I said to him, wtf? why r u up? He said that he had been drinking and that he was still on campus and didn't want to drive drunk to his apartment. He asked me for a ride. I said no prob. When i got there, he said he didn't want to go back to his apt by himself. He asked if he could sleep over at my place. I was like, okay.

I only had one twin bed. I said, no prob cuz i'm awake for the rest of the day anyway. A few days later, the same exact scenario. A few days later, the same exact scenario. He slept in my bed several days and he literally looked like a cherub in it. He has the sexiest eyebrows the mind could imagine so while sleeping he looked incredible. i never tried to pull anything sexual though b/c he was so honestly depressed that i thought he needed a friend more than a come-on.

Eventually he rushed a frat and started going out with a girl and i stopped hearing from him as much. Then l8r while hanging out in conversation he off handedly mentioned that those nights that he came over to my place he wasn't drunk. I was like wait u stumbled up the steps. He just looked at me, with a knowing glare, and said, i wasn't drunk. That's when i knew that his issues were beyond me and i figured him out.

He needed 'structure'---he nearly worded it this way later--that would give meaning to his life. The frat and the girl seemed to do that and so he went with it. I wouldn't let him get off that easy b/c the way in which he and i related wasn't like that. I always pushed him to be more of himself b/c i thought that what lied beneath was so incredible. But i think he was scared that other's wouldn't see it that way. When he wanted to do the peace corps his father told him it was a weak decision. I thought it was awesome. He turned in the app. He was a sure in with his previous experience. but then turned the peace corps down and ended up at so-so law school.

Were we ever officially a couple? No, though we did and said lots of couplish things and people often mistook us for a couple and even his gf's recognized a mutual attraction. He denied being gay every time as did i a while back. We had awesome times though. Quite possibly some of the best memories for me.... haha. Isn't this sort of situation so bitter-sweet, where it could have been more than it was, if we had been able to admit it?

Dunno honestly. I think we had a lot and i think that going in the typical 'boyfriend' direction might have obfuscated what was actually there. That was part of the reason why i didn't go that way. we enjoyed each other's soul without the partiality of other factors--no social issues, no physical issues, no 'relational' issues.

People tried to shit talk us. i was visible on campus at the time and other than his frat he did nothing else on campus. For a second or two, i had some clout on campus and people wanted to be my friend--induct me into their cliques, etc. But i was so into him that i just wanted to be with him. so i would just hang out with him.

Many of my classmates gossiped that i didn't have a gf and that there was no mention of me hooking up. They thought that was weird and per usual they said i was gay. Being seen alone with the prettiest boy the campus ever saw on late nights at random isolated locations didn't help the matter. Many people thought he just looked gay.

i just thought they were haters

so him having gf's on the side benefited me too. this is sick of me to say now but it protected me as much as him from something that was not to be feared. so yea it was a 'horror of horrors''--a beard by proxy. Are 2 boys into each other giving up what could've been b/c of a stupid image--that wouldn't even last--a horror? TOTALLY.

But we were just newbies at being gay, having to deal with all of that AND being newbies at relationships AND at campus politics--would've been a good amount on our plates. The way we did it we just untangled and skipped all of that, kept it simple. We liked each other. Did i want to jump his bones? Of course. Did he come on to me. Yep. But by having nothing happen, we de-charged the situation of all the unnecessary. We got to know each other for real. I know he loves me. I see it in his eyes. If he ever comes around, i'll have him full and complete. He'll never doubt that i love him for who he is, through thick or thin. When u're as hot as he is, that's tough to find.

After Sat night, I feel the same way about the doc I hooked up with. Does he have a ridiculous cock and body? Yea, how the hell am I supposed to go back to 'normal'? Can we date now that we've had a major romp as our first 'date'?

However, I did survive my first love. So I its safe to assume that I will survive again if the doc doesn't work out. I guess I wish I could have everything in one moment, and then freeze it so it would always stay that way.