In Short

Chris from My Journey Out asked me what was the "short" of my blog. He stumped me. I thought it was obvious. On the contrary he contended that the blog was awfully indirect. His series of e-mails proved enlightening as he quickly unearthed the "short" of it all. Here they are below:

E-mail 1: So I gave a quick read of your blog. So smart guy, quick thinker, god help me not another lawyer, good family, bunch of over achievers, trying to figure out life, WTF does that mean? Bunch of cutie guys all over your blog, daddy - i think we have another cock sucker here, clean-up on aisle 7!

Realize you started the blog primarily for yourself, perhaps as entertainment, fig out what blogs are about, maybe u were trolling other blogs. But reading some of your stuff (and you're postings are lengthy and sometimes hard to follow - ok - realize u weren't writing for me), but you talk around things. Like you want to say something, but you don't. It's not apparent from your writings what sexually you've done other than oogle some guys in the gym. You wrote a bit about going home with some guy and letting him do what he wanted, which I take means you just laid there (like half the young guys I've been with - classic). But where are you going and what are you thinking.

The old guy in the bar (never call me an old guy and expect to live) story was great, were you enjoying the banter or simply oogling the bartender and hey, free drinks are just that. And then some other guy swopes in to nail you and your house of cards tumble.Sorry to be hard nosed with you, but sounds like you have a jumble of stuff roaming around in your brain, and from your writings, I think you can handle me asking you the hard stuff and not letting you wiggle away. All of this is hard, none of this you want to really do and yet you're going to have to cross the bridge.

.. Chris (in the Netherlands deciding I like brown and white now!!!)

Response 1: The short?  Hmmm... finished school a year ago.  Been
working for random alumni I met during my ugrad time
while preparing to apply and now applying to law
schools.  Sexually unfortunately rather conservative,
but on occasion, able to let lose.
T

E-mail 2: Thanks for writing back, your email clearly more direct than the blog. But still not sure what you are musing about, time will tell and at least your not using $5 words like erik did, I bashed him hard for that.
Your writing is interesting, I'm not sure why yet, but I like interesting people. I have no secrets, my postings are me, the authorities have been notified.


[Here's where he nails it!] Yeah, I know the whole image thing, protective mechanisim/shield, it results in difficulty in making a real relationship. I refuse to go away from someone I'm interested in knowing their auto systems are shielding them and with time they may allow me in. The gay sex being first off the mark, clearly isn't a good basis for a long term relationship of any kind. They, we, them all bitch about it, but then ooops I did it again.

So you seem to have a pretty good handle on things, hey I'm educated, making my way forward and oh I got this element I need to deal with as well. Oh course where you are a LTR isn't in the cards, but I wonder whether random hookups aren't depleting, thus the term casual relationships.

So ... if you're having such a good handle on things ... why are you writing? Are you fully OUT, the Ellison reference says you're living 2 lives at the moment, interesting for a while but not a long term solution. Don't lose the romantic in you, that's the best part, had my share of hot bodies but would trade if any day for an avg guy with passion for me in their heats. The "making love" element for many gay encounters is lost, it's like masturbation, you're in charge of your pleasure, just someone else is there with you, and you know what -- it sucks and not in a good way.

Response 2:

You've nailed the point of my blog--image as a shield
from reality.  The rest is the tension of whether
dropping it requires foregoing the image.  Viz. "had
my share of hot bodies but would trade if any day for
an avg guy with passion for me in their heats."  I'm
an aesthete through and through--so, do I have to give
that up?

E-mail 3: A straight guy in his 20s usually has a series of short to moderate term relationships, sex for sure, but a lot of social stuff. Its preparing them for a more complex long term relationship for marriage, kids, life together. Some gay guys at the same age often, but not always, have more relationships but more sexually driven. Doesn't make them happy and doesn't prepare them for a real relationship.

I've seen a number of happy gay guys who got into LTR early and while equally sexual, prepared them for the big game and kept them for running up their score card.

E-mail 4:  The entire conversation with your father. Why do you fuck around
with him like that? You toy with topics hoping he's going to ask
whether you like cock or something? Like you wanna tell him so he knows
or for shock value?  

I did the whole Akins thing, lost 25 lbs and avoid carbs like crazy, I'll fall off the wagon every now and again, so I'll get naked and not be embarrassed, but your body ages, can't stop that progress. But as I told you, I'd take a good conversation over a hot body and even one with a couple of extra pounds.

You dad is simply trying to have a relationship with you on whatever terms you allow him to. That's nice. BTW I like those salads with cranberries and Gorgonzola cheese. Don't try and be such a stud boy, you got more to offer don't you?

Anyways not letting you slide, so if you can't blog about it, write me instead. I'm
freaking tired as hell, went out in Amsterdam, nice bistro dinner, bottle of wine and then went and got stoned then back to bar drinking until midnight, I gotta get some rest. Have a good WE, I'm in London scrounging around.

E-mail 5: Here's where I turn into a daddy. Leave your poor dad alone, he's trying to maintain a relationship with you. I wish I could explain it to you, my 2 boys are 12 and 14. I'm not a big emotional person, I'm warm but not emotional. Something came over me when my kids were born, it's quite an emotional shock, you carry them around, take care of them and watch this little thing turn into a real person. The fact is parents, for the most part, love their children unconditionally. Perhaps I sound like a parent, but no one will ever love you like your parents. I would give up my life for one of my kids. I wouldn't do that for my wife (speaking honestly).

So there sits your poor dad with his fag son. He's thinking about all the things you probably won't experience in life. He's worried about the non-traditional lifestyle and how society is gonna deal with you. He worries about your health, god is after gay guys with STD's, HIV and an entire assortment of nasty shit. He worries that you will find someone to live your life with. He doesn't know 1/10th of what you know about gay lifestyles, but what he does know scares him to death. Give him a break.

Men are terrilble emotionally. Look at how gay guys act out their emotions, some get all leathery, rough, or fruity - a wide spectrum. Women, I think, bring out the emotion in men. Men love that they can show this side of themselves and for that treat, they agree to a monogomous lifestyle, which women for the most part demand. It's not surprizing then that gay guys have their fag hags, women who they can be emotional with. Probably not me.

I've had a wonderful life. Kids, family, marriage, the whole 9 yards - so I can speak about both sides of the coin can't I? I'm not hammering you for the physical stuff, we all have our type of guy, but you can only have sex so many times and day and no matter how long you want it to last, it's only for brief minutes. So making sure something's under the hood in the minds and hearts is equally important if not more so.

I'm going out to the bar scene tonight, not sure what i'll find, loud places don't give u much opportunity to talk to someone. Chris is coming in Monday though I haven't spoken with him in a week. I'm waiting for the blow-up or blow-off rather. It can all just be so hurtful.

***************

Chris seriously added depth to my own understanding of my blog and of course my issues (hate that word!).