The Mutant (1)

My vanity is currently at full blast, fueled on by my new gorgeous gay roommate who seems to compliment my appearance at every other turn.

I have a new crush at the gym. I call him The Mutant because he is unbelievably tall, broadshouldered, long necked, and has the tiniest waist that would make any petite girl jealous.

I noticed him first because he kept staring at me in the lockerroom. He seemed like an overly tall kid with muscle on him. But boy has he filled out in the last 3 months. I get hard just about every time I see him. Lest I neglect to mention, his face is insanely gorgeous too. Enormous dark green eyes hooded by long dark brown locks sit atop his broad gleaming smile.

After some initial conversation, we realized we had a good deal in common. However, he struck me as being closeted and thus dangerous since I could see myself liking him. So I've distanced myself.

I had decided to talk to him because I had caught him looking terrified when I nearly made eye contact with him while he was checking me out. He's terrified of me? Even if it is indirectly terrified, I was quite taken aback that someone so stunning could have such a reaction to me. It merited a conversation.

He's noticed the distance. He notices me, always. He's an expert at hiding his true emotions, a realization I have just made. I have seen him freak out over me, and then 10 minutes later, walk past by me, cool and collected, staring at his blackberry, as if I were the last person in the world with whom he would care to talk.

Our second conversation, one prolonged by his rambling and my ability to ask almost innumerable questions, left me unable to determine whether he was rambling out of nervousness or whether he was just self-absorbed. He seemed totally aloof to me emotionally, although what seemed like his struggle to make casual eye contact suggested the exact opposite.

After establishing this distance, he has unfortunately caught me drooling over him a few times. So, I reasoned, since he is probably straight, he now thinks me a wierdo.

Firmly entrenched in this belief, today I proceeded to stretch near him. The gym was packed, so this was not on purpose. Our movements did not necesitate eye contact, yet his peripheral vision caught me. He turned swiftly to me, betraying perhaps a bit more than a hint of intensity in his subsequent gaze directed at me, and almost as quickly, the thick veil of aloofness that guards everything he feels, fell, deafening his expression to a simple smile and wave. His hair fell over his cheekbones and I nearly came right there and then. Has he gotten somehow even more attractive in the past couple of weeks?

Moreover, he acknowledged me. He's not wierded out by me despite catching me drooling over him???

I couldn't help but break out in too a large school girl grin. I waived and crouched into my stretch simultaneously. Then came the kicker. He turned to assume the posture of the exercise he was performing. Then, an instant later, he turned back to look at me, with that swiftness again, except this time, the intensity could not be much hidden. He stared at me for a beat. His mouth almost seemed to hang open. I held him in my peripheral vision examining his face closely without ever looking at him directly. And then I saw what he would not say, "Aren't you going to come over to talk to me?"

So much for wierding him out. He wants to talk to me?

The bitch in me thinks, "Well, why don't you come over here like a man, Mr. Gorgeous, and just talk to me?"

Then the reasonable me retorts, "Can't you see he's shy as fuck and wants desperately to pretend like you don't matter to him? Don't you realize that even casual initiation of conversation would make him feel exposed and naked before you?"

But why?

You know why.

Ugh. I tell myself that this is wishful thinking. But even if it is not, he's still buried in a closet. He's like a perfect gem that you must have but that is encased in an impenetrable see-through box.

What will I say to him tomorrow?????

He Saw Me - Reflection

Since my encounter with Celebrity Boy, I went online to either confirm or disconfirm my experience. Lo and behold, there have indeed been rumored reports of this angelic creature cruising well-known gay gyms. His romantic life, with one exception, also has been a thinly veiled tabloid construct.

I haven't seen him since then, but the effects of my brief run-in were far more lasting. No longer were the gods of my regular gay gym these impossibly unattainable creatures who acted odd around me only because I must be awkward. No, if I could even register on the radar of someone as gorgeous as Celebrity Boy, damn, well then maybe I'm in a league above what I've thought myself to be in.

It sounds crass, but in a social context, in a gay world, one's confidence is made or broken by these ideas. How do I know if I'm being ignored b/c I'm insignificant or if instead its b/c I intimidate some super gorgeous dude? How do I know that the stares I catch out of the corner of my eye really exist and are actually favorable?

Self Doubt: "Oh, he's so hoooot." "Oh YOU'RE sooooOOO HOT." "You're a very special boy."
I've heard these in the lockerroom time and time again. And when I see the object of these comments, half the time, I am not only disappointed, I am thoroughly bewildered at what they might see in him. Entire Facebook pages are littered with what I can only describe as "courtesy flirts."

In light of such hypocrisy, I cannot accept the overt compliments of others. I instead choose to rely on involuntary displays of attraction as a more true measure of sexual influence.

However, such displays are keenly kept discreet by the super hot, and usually allowed to be far too overt among the non-hot. Herein lies my self-doubt.

But much of that was blown away by Celebrity Boy's simple and yet direct admiration.

Emboldened I struck up conversation with this impossibly gorgeous news anchor at my gym who's body leads me think he really did jump out of a DC comic book. I also spoke to this guy I've seen in Brazil almost every time I've gone. Perhaps my attitude was noticeable to others and that is why this super hot model who has been "trying" to flirt with me for months now, finally asked me out, albeit by stating that it would have to be in 6 weeks, after all the fashion weeks had come to an end.

All three of these conversations have thus far led to nothing. Turns out that although they seem to find me almost terrifyingly attractive, they cannot in the short term get over it enough to act normal. Unfortunately, I was not tremendously blessed with patience ;)

I'm direct I'm told. I don't hold back punches. And what is worst, others can quickly discern these traits in me. Combined with my appearance, I'm like a people repellent.

But out there somewhere, I know there will come someone who can see past all that. Who can see the confused and insecure person I am. Or maybe I have to find a way to come across as more of what I am.

Despite my complaining, I still love this adventure, this aesthetic high. I am beyond lucky and for that I am grateful.

The Adventure Continues

I'm still having a blast teasing men till no end. I thought I would have gotten bored by now. I'm finishing up a cutting cycle and I suppose I just look pretty hot from any angle when I wear a skimpy top at the gym.

The men I wanted there today did not show up. Murphy's what's its name? LOL.

One dude who is very hot but whose attitude I cannot stand was there. I *completely* ignored him. He left the gym floor and then suddenly walked back in. I saw his face as he unexpectedly came into my view. He was tortured by me.

Eons ago, I had approached him. Though he demonstrated interest, he was so rude. I swear my dog had better manners. I was flabbergasted by his rudeness in fact. Now I took my revenge. Childish and stupid, I preened around the room. I was happy. Happy to be the center of attention and yet never directly give my desire to be so away. Hypocritical.

Maybe I like seeing the reactions of people, to study their nature. Maybe because it reminds me that I am just like them. I will bend over backwards to look at a gorgeous dude, but all the while pretend like it never happened.

He Saw Me

When I was a kid and barely moved to a big city, I used to say "I saw him" to describe my sighting of a celebrity. But today, I had to think the opposite, "He saw me."

I was given told to work from home this morning and so I slept in and decided to hit the gym mid morning, long after the professional class masses had clocked into work.

It's a nice break from the hustle and bustle of the rapid weekday mornings. In fact, the gym was empty. There might have been 5 people max in the whole triple level complex. I had the whole place to myself. I came to a different branch than the one I frequent on mornings. I felt fugly, so I chose to hide out and just focus on getting in a hard workout.

Squats, check. Shoulder presses check. Finally, incline presses. I pace in between sets when I'm not super-setting. This gym branch is full of mirrors, like a big fun house of vanity. I can't resist to check on every angle of myself, especially when no one is around.

I held my bangs back, amplifying the dome of jet black strands that flowed back over my head. I love the lighting at this branch. My cheek bones stand out in bolder relief here and my eyes deeper and darker; my lips a more pronounced red. Since no one would be here to criticize me, I wore a skimpy tank. My tan had set in - finally. I looked sleek and yet tight. If only the whole world were lit like this gym!

I paced back to the incline bench and hammered out the next slow and cathartic set. Slightly out of breath, I set the bar in its place and leaned back... far back, almost into a yawn. At the climax of my stretch, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a mischievous grin.

I wasn't alone. I slowly brought myself back into position, and feigned interest in my ipod. As I took it out of my pocket, I turned further into my torso and looked for that smile again.

There was a man, or a very tall boy, curling an ez-bar in a corner of the weight room floor. He was behind a mirror covered pillar, but was angled such that we could each see each other easily.

His spikey brown hair seemed familiar. Then he finished his set, placed the bar on the ground, and turned. I slowly moved my gaze slightly away towards the clock. He turned towards me, and again, smiled. I chose another mirror through to which to observe him.

Eyebrows -- were all I saw as he continued to smile in my direction and bowed his head slightly. Holy begeeezus. He was unbelievably gorgeous. I was stunned. And just as quickly, I knew his name, his story, and the most recent tabloid tidbits I had seen of him, lodged into my memory only because he is just that freakin' hot.

He turned towards the bar again. Bent down and did another set. I didn't pace this time. I sat and watched him. He was bigger than I would have thought. He was almost huge. Wow. He looks much smaller on screen. Such an angelic and yet mischievous face on such a large and muscular body.

He must be bulking, hopefully for a movie, because although large and well shaped, he lacked that tightness that comes with hard definition. His grey and side-less t-shirt, left that in plain view.

He could feel me watching. I proceeded to my next set. I could feel him watching. I got up to pace. He turned to face me. My heart raced. I felt humbled. He's one of those gods. Those who are so beautiful, even Hollywood only gets a few of them every several decades. He's not some guy that the world has to convince itself that he is beautiful. No, he is the epitome of masculinity and prettiness. Why was he looking at me and smiling.

OH gawd. He must know I'm gay. He's mocking me. He must assume I'm dying to fuck him. The big straight guy joke they all seem to share. He paced. I stayed put. Let's see what he does.


More sets. Now I was going to ignore him flat out. He crosses the room to the treadmills. I don't even have to confirm who he is. His features are so striking and recognizeable from what could be ten miles away.

I couldn't get myself to puff out my chest and lift up my nose. He as just too beautiful. All I could do was bend over backwards to pretend like he was not who he was.

He picked the treadmill that overlooks the weight room. Smack front and center. He would look at me periodically and smile. I didn't look back. His gazing got broken up more and more into intermittent looks. His smile died down, and then it turned into what seemed like embarassment.

He couldn't see that I could see him without him knowing. That's the advantage of seeing through 3 mirrors.

Finally, he stops. Get downs and begins to cross the room to the lockerrooms. As he nears me, he bends his head down. But instead of a smile, I see embarassment, almost shame. How can this be all happening so clearly and so fast.

He leaves. I tell my best friend. "Tino, you got cruised."

Me: No way.

Friend: Yup, and you missed your shot.

Gulp.

I'm so happy today. I've been busting my butt to get back into shape after pride. I tore down the house at pride. It was fantastic. I took off my shirt and the dance floor seemed to come to a halt. A group of men around me, whom I did not know, bursted out into cat calls as my torso came into view.

I thought I was in good shape. I didn't think it was worth all that.

As I get older, and I settle into working life, I pick up on people's insecurities more easily. I'm entering that age where what people wanted to achieve they will have soon, and what they shelved away, will likely never happen or perhaps after they retire.

One regret that comes up often, or perhaps it is not a regret, but instead an insecurity, is the experience of feeling desireable and beautiful.

It seems that few get this privilege. Is that really the case? Or is it just amongst the professional class.... ?

Olympic Moment 2012

I just can't get over this picture... ! Mr. Van Der Burgh is one sexy champ ;)

Alienation

I miss São Paulo so much, I can hardly stand it.

I never know who's into me...

During my first semester in law school, this guy recognized me at the gym. He asked me if I worked out at the gym in my home town. I was taken aback a bit by the fact that some stranger whom I had never seen before recognized me from across the country. I should have realized that this is common among the jetset crowd.

He took my number and told me he could take me to some "cultural" events next time he was in town. He lives on both coasts. I blew him off. He wasn't hot. He was kinda chubby and homely. Very confident though. He saw me a few more times and asked me out to drinks, but I was always busy.

A few months later, I saw him on television. Turns out he was a major entertainment mogul. Ooooh -- those kind of "cultural" events. Dang it. We texted some. I haven't been home in almost 2 yrs now, so no chance there.

For the past several months, this really hot guy at my gym has been nervously staring at me a lot. Several weeks later, I spotted him in an A&F ad. Damn. He merited some attention. So I struck up conversation. He was very excited that I spoke to him. We introduced ourselves. He had a slight, very slight, accent. Where are you from? I asked. NO WAY! We shared ancestry. Very odd. I ended the conversation because I didn't want to interrupt his workout and the gym was closing soon.

He was even more nervous around me after then. It was ridiculous just how nervous he was. He was so nervous it was beyond awkward. I started getting weirded out. He would vacillate between nervously acknowledging me to flat out ignoring me. I just said hi whenever he was in a courageous mood.

Recently, he had been more on the gutsy side. Saying hi to me regularly. Today, he didn't say hi, and when I was about to look away in slight disgust, he winked at me. I waived a bit. Later in the workout, he did the same thing. He came over with a big smile later on to ask how much longer I had to go on the machine. I said I was done. He smiled big. I was in a hurry. I'm flying out in 90 minutes to Floripa to party with my boys as I write this entry.

I went to the treadmill and hammered out my insane mileage. During that time though, I noticed he had taken off his earphones for the remainder of his workout. What a shame I thought. We speak similar foreign languages, we're close in age, I assume, and yet we can't be normal around each other.

Fuck this. I don't care if this ends badly, but it IS ending today. I got off the machine and went to ask him out. He sped off to the lockerroom. I followed. I chased him down. Do you like the food from our home country? I asked without anything else to lead into the conversation. He smiled without looking at me. I love it, he said.

Want to go try some sometime? I asked.
A mischievious smile overcame him and he still would not look me in the eyes.
Where? he asked.
I was puzzled.
What location? he asked in our language.
I don't know, I said honestly.
Look, I'd love to get to know you better. I don't know many from our country here. I'm headed to South American for a couple of weeks. Can I get your cell and give you a call when I get back and we can go try some of that food?
Yea, he said dissappointedly.
He focused on the lock on his locker.
I'll get your number too if I can just get this lock to open.
He apparently could not remember the combination.
He slammed it and said, looks like that is not happening right now.

I took his number. I texted him. We walked back to the gym floor. He was limping.
"Leg day is the worst," I said.
He smiled and looked at me. Yes it is, he said.
We both had done leg workouts that day.

I walked past him, looked back, smiled, and said, Take care.

He smiled, but still looked disappointed, and waived.

******

I walked on the treadmill for over an hour befuddled by that odd smile on his face when he said "where?"

What did he mean by it? Why was he later disappointed? Why did his nervousness just vanish afterwards?

Where? What did he expect for me to have a list?

Oh. He wanted to hear -- "my place."

Drats.

He wasn't getting what he wanted right away.

*****

After complaining about him to my current BFF, I did a little googling. Turns out he's a leading designer back in our country. A designer who can model his own clothes. He was discovered as a teenager for modeling by one of the top photographers in the world.

Oops. I suppose perhaps he's not used to being made to wait.

I pray for his patience and that I find him as interesting as his internet profile makes him out to be.

Happy New Years 2012 -- Unexpected E-Mail from the Ex

After a long time away from the blogosphere, I read my last two posts and thought, my lohrd, this new post plus the others will just make me seem like a totally needy fart. Oh well.


I had an interesting NYE. I spent it with the unbelievably gorgeous Spanish Girl. I hope I have written about her here before. I want her to be the mother of my children because she is so beautiful, gorgeous, brilliant, multilingual, and wise.


We did the whole Spanish eating grapes tradition. Cute.


No, we did not hook up and make babies last night. I came home and felt sick and just wanted to be unconscious. This morning, I arose to an interesting e-mail.


About 1.5 months ago, my ex-bf, from São Paulo, and I had been e-mailing each other several times a day. About six weeks ago, he mentioned a hook up, and after then, his e-mails became very infrequent. His last e-mail was about him being in bed with a very beautiful guy.


Well, my ex- is gorgeous, great in bed, chivalrous, and not afraid to make the first move. So, he's definitely going to be having a good time whenever he so desires. However, I didn't like the fact that it was usually up to me to restart our rapport whenever he had a fling. I thought, "I think I'm the one who really wants contact in this scenario."


In great homo-fashion, I ceased contact and assassinated him in my mind. He was dead to me and just a memory within a few weeks. Although I had always told myself I would contact him my next time in his city, I even had decided against that plan, even though I will be there next month.


Perhaps my read of him was wrong. This morning my inbox had an email from him headed, "I miss you." He asked me about my current state of being and my family. He also attached an old IM conversation that he says he stumbled upon. It was our post-break up debriefing. An odd choice. Maybe I have yet to discern the meaning of it to him. He said he read it over again and felt the great desire to hug me. I did right by him. I have not done right by others. But I did right by him only because of his beauty, I think. I contest that such a reason does not negate the value of my actions.


He and I had created IM names to which only we were privy. We did so in order to have IM conversations without having to be invisible to anyone. We could be in constant contact w/ each other with our smart phones via IM without the need for text no matter the country in which we found ourselves. Last time I recalled, he said he had forgotten his username.

He's very young. About 10yrs my junior. My good reason indicates that I should not take his little drop in the e-mail bucket very seriously.


No one is on my radar right now. Well, there is one Brazilian at my gym, but my read of him, indicates he is just as vulnerable to fear as my ex. Are we not all the same? When I speak to gay men, I often witness flashes of desire and fear wash over their faces  as they cloak these emotions moments before opening their mouths to speak to me.


Does that make age a non-issue? My ex has more years of relational experience on his back than I do. He has endured greater betrayal and heartbreak.


Why did he wait so long to e-mail me? He could have just started conversation any regular day, but he picked New Years. Was he waiting for me to restart the conversation? Was he attempting to make a point? Was he testing me the way I was testing him? Did he have a New Year's kiss? If so, why e-mail me so soon after? I know last year, with my New Year's kiss, I was nicely distracted from thinking of him.


Now, perhaps the best approach is just to respond simply and directly without the creation of expectations. Politeness I am sure will suffice to entice without much investment or roll of the dice. 

New Years at Ipanema

So I get to the beach to meet up with my São Paulo friends. I never expected to actually find them given that my phone got no coverage. However, I bumped into them almost as soon as I go there. After our slew of Brazilian cheek kisses, we made our way to their beach chairs and they introduced me to another couple. One of them has been working out at my gym back home for 2 yrs. Crazy coincidence. He’s not a very outgoing or nice guy, so I didn’t remember his name. Older guy, very nice body; face is not so nice.

After our introduction, he never spoke nor acknowledged me. Typical American. A Brazilian would have been polite enough to make small talk. I had to go the bathroom and I figured I would feel less self-conscious about being in a skimpy speedo if I went to cool off by taking a dip in the water.

I told my friends I'd be right back. I got up and started looking for a place to put my wallet and keys. I put them in between my friends' beach chairs.

Then I surveyed the area to find the best route to the water. Everyone was pretty engrossed in conversations amongst themselves. It was a good mix of folks from what looked like all over the world.

As I looked towards the horizon, I caught one of my SP friends checking me out from head to toe. He was quite unabashed about it despite the fact that his bf was sitting right next to him. When I caught him, he made no expression whatsoever, but just looked away.

I have a crush on him. I got sad that he was not impressed enough to have any expression on his face. The beach was jam packed evenly for pretty much as far as I could see. So I figured the best approach was just a straight line to the water.

I was TERRIFIED. Most guys were “in shape.” But there were A LOT, A LOT of them were just plainly IMPOSSIBLY ripped and muscular. I mean, ripped, as in under 3% bodyfat. They were like walking anatomy charts. I thought “geez... my little ol’ 8 pack will do nothing for me here.” Their tans were gorgeous too. My last min jam at the tanning salon was not going to cut it. But, even if I was terrified, I sure was not going to let anyone see my fear!

Dang it. I worked my ass for this moment, and I was going to enjoy it. My mind was racing. It wouldn’t stop. I forced myself to think of the sexiest guy I could remember. I made myself believe I was him and told myself– now walk like him!

So I headed off for the water. As I started to walk, all these groups of heads turned in my direction. “Oh man! Here we go! The big CHECK OUT AND LOOKOVER…," I thought to myself.

“Okay… no biggie. This is one of the biggest holidays… They have others to look at… Goddang it—there’s a collection of gorgeous gay men here from around the world… This won’t last more than a few painful moments… relax… keeping the zen… ohm” :D

As I walked, I started to notice that they were not looking away… That’s when I got REALLY scared. I remembered what my friend in the US had said about folks here, that if they stare for more than a moment, they like you, and you have to stare back. So I eventually I looked back in part just to confirm what I was sensing and seeing only out of the corners of my eyes. Many, like little birds on a beach, turned away. “Okay… cool… it was all in my head…”

As I started to get deeper into the crowd, I started to hear catcalls. I thought, “Oooh… there must be some really hot guy walking nearby…” I turned to look for this other guy. There was no one in the area standing or moving. Everyone around me for a good 50 yards was sitting down. Then the catcalls started getting closer to me and louder. As I finally decided to look down at the guys in the area immediately  around me, I saw them cat calling, smiling, and looking at me… and avoiding eye contact at the same time.

Then I realized, they were catcalling as soon as I passed them by. I was like hooOOOOOLEEEE COW… This beach is like the best of the best… It is the Olympics of my homo-people… How is this happening?!?! I lost my composure and was just stunned…

As I continued making my way to the water, the catcalls and head turns were like a wake I was leaving. I noticed that guys would look and cat call much more so after I passed them. I couldn't fight back a faint  smile... I couldn't really smile all thew way because I just thought it was too ridiculous to believe that this was really happening to me.

Eventually, I reached the water. I walked straight in until the water reached my shoulders. I just wanted to be non-self-conscious and know that a bunch of eyes were not examining me. I stayed in the water a while. I wanted to just relax for a moment. I had a really hard time peeing because I couldn’t relax hahaahahahaha. I didn’t want to get my hair wet. However, there were some SERIOUS rip-tides. The ocean had its way with me. It threw me so hard onto the sand at one point, that my entire right forearm was deeply scraped, and I had blood all over my arm.

I love nature =) 

Eventually my friend approached the beach. I walked over to him. He said they were going to saddle up with their other friends and asked if I wanted to come along or if I wanted to stay here to wait for my other friends. I said I’d come along. We gathered our stuff and headed over.

As I walked through those crowds, I saw my gay life flash before my eyes. You might think I’m being dramatic but hear me out. EVERYONE from my gym in São Paulo was there. I saw guys from my gym back home. I saw folks from my gym back at school. Goodness gracious… the entire gay gym set was here! But… as if that was not enough… I saw guys from college there too! Even guys I had suspected of being gay freshman year! I literally saw men I had known from coast to coast in the U.S.

As I kept walking, I noticed my friend’s boyfriend. His body was pretty bad. No muscle at all; a little belly, and terrible bone structure. He had a gorgeous face and a pretty tan. He moved around with total confidence. He had no issues w/ himself and was comfortable in his own skin. I wondered what it would be like to be so confident.

Feeling Needy

I hate it. Detest it. It is Gross.

Parents

My mom just called me. I graduated last month. My parents and I spent a long time during that week. All we did was talk. We never argued. It was amazing. My siblings were mostly out of the country doing their own things. My favorite brother has not been speaking to me for almost 1.5 yrs now. He boycotted my graduation despite both of my parents asking him to come. My told me that he just lost his job. He told me in private b/c he's been not wanting to worry my mother.

My mother was moving some of our old things from one house to another. She needed some help so she asked me to tell my father. She called me about an hour later to tell me that I didn't have to tell him. He was already there. My father lives a LONG way from that house. I was surprised.

Today my mother called me again. She and my father talked a lot while moving the things. About his upcoming non-profit trip, the kids, my graduation, my new apartment. My mom said it was a very "tender" moment. She said that after all maybe he's not such a bad guy. Then she paused, and said, "Well, I wasn't very nice to him either when we were together..."

I didn't say anything. I was just surprised. My father's wife does not talk to him. She hates him. She's also not nearly as attractive as my mom -- hence why I have a full half brother who is older than some of my half siblings. Doesn't every person with divorced parents wonder if they might get back together again?

Face It

What do you do when you just have such a gorgeous face?

Rant - Junk Food at Work

My friend just IMed me -- "my company bought us bagels, brb!"

WTF?

Bagels = pure carbs. Fatness. Grossness.

Is it not the same as getting excited that your company bought you big macs?

Who would eat such things?

My roommate left one saturday morning. "I'm going to get breakfast. I'll be right back."

He came back with a big bag from McDonald's.

How do people manage to do each such things?

I just assessed my finances as part of tax season.

75% of my discretionary funds goes towards food/supplements.

I suppose I over emphasize that aspect of the quality of my life.

Dreams Dreams Dreeeeeeeehms

I had a night class so I drank coffee to stay awake. Crap kept me up till 3:30am. Oops LOL!

I watched three consecutive X-Files instead of writing one of my final papers for the semester.

Fell asleep and dreamt that I was back in Brazil. I miss it so bad.

The Love. The Boys. The Beauty. The Warmth.

I was in an old apartment like the one I had while there. Little to know decor. Lots of sunlight though. I lived alone. I bounded down the stairs of my building. Rushing to work, per usual.

On the busy rua, I ran into a very familiar face. It was Gian. This guy from college. He gave me this enormous smile. A knowing smile that bordered on being a smirk.

I said--WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I had to come. Everything is about Brazil now. Haven't you heard?

Of course I have! It's been so long.

I know huh?

He looked devestatingly gorgeous. Golden skin, dark blonde hair. Perfect almond shaped blue-flame like eyes, arched etched brows, and those plump ruby red lips.

I started to get hard. He walked along side me to my bus stop. Where are you going?

Same place as you.

Faria Lima?

Yup.

Then I asked what I had to ask. Are you out?

Of course -- it's Brazil! No one knows me here.

The bus arrived, heading in our direction. I boarded first. I looked at him as I got on. He was right next to me. As I stepped up, he put his hand on the small of my back, and then almost simultaneously boarded alongside me.

When I felt his hand firmly behind me, I turned around as my jaw fell in surprise. He was stepping up and his smile grew even larger. He leaned into me.

Then I woke up.

I looked him up on facebook, sadly expecting him to have succumbed to the stalker of time. Almost all since college have fallen prey to father time. When I saw his profile--I lost it. He looks even Hotter. How is that possible? What's more... he's in law school now too :D

Sifting

Just came back from a date. He's cute, accomplished, ambitious, and sensitive. The last characeristic is hidden; but it is there. I'm so much better at finding someone compatible. Despite all of these wonderful things, I just know he's not for me. I'm even attracted to him.

Not saying I won't give him a chance, but this chemistry business... has an exclusive say on whether someone even stands a chance.

Whoa... "Seeing Other People"

I told the BF that things weren't working for me the way they were. I wanted to talk in person. It was going to be a break up convo. The night of the convo -- his dog runs away. Really??? Exactly WHO is running away LOL?

So I sent him the e-mail version. Look - you lied. You said you would change your MH profile, and what does that matter if you have a second one. Two, you've become distant. Let's see other people.

Not exactly a break up, but at least in my book, it was. Neither of us has changed our FB status, although mine is restricted now so that only he can see it. No one else knows whether I'm in a relationship or not.

I went out with another guy tonight. It's complicated, but he was hot and he was a total gentleman. I have another two lined up for the next couple of days. Friends are coming into town too. So I have a nice long period to forget about the BF.

I'm wrong. I wanted to possess him. I messed up. I know it. I became dependent. I wanted to breathe him and not the air. That would drive even Jesus away. He has not responded to my e-mail in over 4 days now. He left his 5 favorite books here, a bracelet, socks, and a really nice shirt / blouse. I was tempted to burn them all ala Waiting to Exhale.

I will learn to love him in a healthy way, even it is just as a friend. I ended my e-mail to him that way -- I just want to talk openly and honestly about watever, whether it be as boyfriends or just friends.

Most Awesome Wet Dream Ever

I dreamt that I went back for a college class reunion, specifically all the people I knew Freshman year. There were all these really hot guys there whom I remembered. The oddity was that they were still there-- in college, in freshman year, and I went back to visit them as a grown-up.

The best part was that I was out, I told them, and all the hot guys in individual encounters came out to me and we fucked like bunnies throughout my dream. I got to feel and watch their gorgeous physiques. By far one of the MOST pleasurable dreams EVER.

Drama

So I found him on MH, twice. After the first time, I told him; he gave me an explanation and said he would change his profile. But then he was on again, w/ a different profile. I just accepted it--why? B/c I basically know where he is 95% of the time, which doesn't leave much time for cheating, and b/c if I know his deception, then I'm no longer deceived. Okay, so it will just be a super hot booty call even tho we call it a "relationship."

Last night he came over. It was after a dermatologist apt so arguably, I was his only option. Who else is going to put with the leftovers of a major facial?

He was sweet. He definitely adores to see me and to be with me. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed being with someone totally gorgeous, the romance factor just plummetted. There are inklings, because I think he really does like me. But the belief in something more substantial... poof, just gone.

The upside is that... I'm a lot more calm now. I don't think about him every second and I'm not going crazy for every little unexpected change in his behavior. I'm cured. The price seems hefty.

Could there be the chance at something real?

What if he never cheats but ultimately thinks he really does like me?

What if one of us just gets bored?

My First Boyfriend

Can you believe it???

Yup. The guy from my last post. We've spent about 1/2 or more of the past 3 weeks together. More sex than like my whole life put together!

We laugh and play together like nothing I've ever experienced prior.

He asked me to be his boyfriend yesterday at about this time...

Nuts... just nuts.