He Saw Me - Reflection

Since my encounter with Celebrity Boy, I went online to either confirm or disconfirm my experience. Lo and behold, there have indeed been rumored reports of this angelic creature cruising well-known gay gyms. His romantic life, with one exception, also has been a thinly veiled tabloid construct.

I haven't seen him since then, but the effects of my brief run-in were far more lasting. No longer were the gods of my regular gay gym these impossibly unattainable creatures who acted odd around me only because I must be awkward. No, if I could even register on the radar of someone as gorgeous as Celebrity Boy, damn, well then maybe I'm in a league above what I've thought myself to be in.

It sounds crass, but in a social context, in a gay world, one's confidence is made or broken by these ideas. How do I know if I'm being ignored b/c I'm insignificant or if instead its b/c I intimidate some super gorgeous dude? How do I know that the stares I catch out of the corner of my eye really exist and are actually favorable?

Self Doubt: "Oh, he's so hoooot." "Oh YOU'RE sooooOOO HOT." "You're a very special boy."
I've heard these in the lockerroom time and time again. And when I see the object of these comments, half the time, I am not only disappointed, I am thoroughly bewildered at what they might see in him. Entire Facebook pages are littered with what I can only describe as "courtesy flirts."

In light of such hypocrisy, I cannot accept the overt compliments of others. I instead choose to rely on involuntary displays of attraction as a more true measure of sexual influence.

However, such displays are keenly kept discreet by the super hot, and usually allowed to be far too overt among the non-hot. Herein lies my self-doubt.

But much of that was blown away by Celebrity Boy's simple and yet direct admiration.

Emboldened I struck up conversation with this impossibly gorgeous news anchor at my gym who's body leads me think he really did jump out of a DC comic book. I also spoke to this guy I've seen in Brazil almost every time I've gone. Perhaps my attitude was noticeable to others and that is why this super hot model who has been "trying" to flirt with me for months now, finally asked me out, albeit by stating that it would have to be in 6 weeks, after all the fashion weeks had come to an end.

All three of these conversations have thus far led to nothing. Turns out that although they seem to find me almost terrifyingly attractive, they cannot in the short term get over it enough to act normal. Unfortunately, I was not tremendously blessed with patience ;)

I'm direct I'm told. I don't hold back punches. And what is worst, others can quickly discern these traits in me. Combined with my appearance, I'm like a people repellent.

But out there somewhere, I know there will come someone who can see past all that. Who can see the confused and insecure person I am. Or maybe I have to find a way to come across as more of what I am.

Despite my complaining, I still love this adventure, this aesthetic high. I am beyond lucky and for that I am grateful.