Sifting

Just came back from a date. He's cute, accomplished, ambitious, and sensitive. The last characeristic is hidden; but it is there. I'm so much better at finding someone compatible. Despite all of these wonderful things, I just know he's not for me. I'm even attracted to him.

Not saying I won't give him a chance, but this chemistry business... has an exclusive say on whether someone even stands a chance.

Whoa... "Seeing Other People"

I told the BF that things weren't working for me the way they were. I wanted to talk in person. It was going to be a break up convo. The night of the convo -- his dog runs away. Really??? Exactly WHO is running away LOL?

So I sent him the e-mail version. Look - you lied. You said you would change your MH profile, and what does that matter if you have a second one. Two, you've become distant. Let's see other people.

Not exactly a break up, but at least in my book, it was. Neither of us has changed our FB status, although mine is restricted now so that only he can see it. No one else knows whether I'm in a relationship or not.

I went out with another guy tonight. It's complicated, but he was hot and he was a total gentleman. I have another two lined up for the next couple of days. Friends are coming into town too. So I have a nice long period to forget about the BF.

I'm wrong. I wanted to possess him. I messed up. I know it. I became dependent. I wanted to breathe him and not the air. That would drive even Jesus away. He has not responded to my e-mail in over 4 days now. He left his 5 favorite books here, a bracelet, socks, and a really nice shirt / blouse. I was tempted to burn them all ala Waiting to Exhale.

I will learn to love him in a healthy way, even it is just as a friend. I ended my e-mail to him that way -- I just want to talk openly and honestly about watever, whether it be as boyfriends or just friends.

Most Awesome Wet Dream Ever

I dreamt that I went back for a college class reunion, specifically all the people I knew Freshman year. There were all these really hot guys there whom I remembered. The oddity was that they were still there-- in college, in freshman year, and I went back to visit them as a grown-up.

The best part was that I was out, I told them, and all the hot guys in individual encounters came out to me and we fucked like bunnies throughout my dream. I got to feel and watch their gorgeous physiques. By far one of the MOST pleasurable dreams EVER.

Drama

So I found him on MH, twice. After the first time, I told him; he gave me an explanation and said he would change his profile. But then he was on again, w/ a different profile. I just accepted it--why? B/c I basically know where he is 95% of the time, which doesn't leave much time for cheating, and b/c if I know his deception, then I'm no longer deceived. Okay, so it will just be a super hot booty call even tho we call it a "relationship."

Last night he came over. It was after a dermatologist apt so arguably, I was his only option. Who else is going to put with the leftovers of a major facial?

He was sweet. He definitely adores to see me and to be with me. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed being with someone totally gorgeous, the romance factor just plummetted. There are inklings, because I think he really does like me. But the belief in something more substantial... poof, just gone.

The upside is that... I'm a lot more calm now. I don't think about him every second and I'm not going crazy for every little unexpected change in his behavior. I'm cured. The price seems hefty.

Could there be the chance at something real?

What if he never cheats but ultimately thinks he really does like me?

What if one of us just gets bored?

My First Boyfriend

Can you believe it???

Yup. The guy from my last post. We've spent about 1/2 or more of the past 3 weeks together. More sex than like my whole life put together!

We laugh and play together like nothing I've ever experienced prior.

He asked me to be his boyfriend yesterday at about this time...

Nuts... just nuts.

Geezus... My first Passion

Met this guy online. He's incredible. Unreal attractive, wise beyond his years, chivalrous, emotionally tempered yet open, emotionally regulated... WTF???

I came this morniging just by staring at his lips.... Met him this past Thursday. We spent the weekend together. Must have had sex for at least 10 hours during that time... most likely longer.

One morning I said: You know; last night was more than just "sex"... it was more like passion.

He nodded very hard and smiled really big.

Good lohrd....

In the land of the stunningly attractive, what could I expect, but to be taken?

The first real club experience where I meet someone and then bring them home.

He's beautiful, perhaps a bit young for my elderly age now, and a heart that kills me. I learned the language. I'm in the program. I wanted my Brazilian experience, and now I've gotten it. Good lord. What begins now?

Couldn't Resist Posting - Christianwire.org

Right now in America there are over 2 million couples secretly struggling with homosexuality in their marriages. Are you one of them? Are you having intimacy issues? Are you suspicious about your husband’s late night activities? Or are you oblivious to a problem that could be putting your health and the livelihood of your family at risk? Don’t tell yourself that you’re simply being paranoid without taking a closer look!

Homosexuality can pop up at any time during a long-term relationship. Your spouse may have been experimenting with the “gay” lifestyle even before you met. Maybe he’s just using you as unwitting cover as he seeks playmates in the heterosexual world. For these types, the shame of being “outed” is so great that they will go to extremes to hide their lustful activities, even tricking a woman to marry them to appear normal in society. Sometimes it’s the nervous family who has rushed a young man into marriage out of a fear that his secret will be exposed. For others, homosexuality can appear later in life when men crave some escape from the monotony of careers and home life. Same-sex experimentation is also connected to drug or alcohol abuse. Crystal meth and other narcotics are proven to lower inhibitions and to drive people to take incredible risks to feed their habits.

For the wife unsure about her husband’s proclivities, the most important thing is to first confirm your suspicions. Drawing on the expertise of spiritual and medical professionals, Christwire has put together a list of 15 commonly-accepted characteristics of men struggling with homosexuality within a marriage:

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee andThe Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

A Boy Despite the Girl

Yea, despite having a current crush on a girl, my eye for the boys doesn't cease to wander.

Tonight at the gym, I spotted a guy whom I had seen at the gym branch I frequent during the work week.

He's facially, boring. No exciting contrasting colors or striking features. He has a generically cute, very young boyish looking face with delicate features and a buzz cut. His skin is pale without any richness to make up for its lack of color.

The shape of his body however, is a whole different story. He's about as tall as I am and exquisitely shaped. This is why I pay big bucks for my gym. The hotties come in at a constant stream. Whenever there's a let down, there are two or three new ones to replace the dud.

This guy's waist must easily measure 28 inches or less. His ass is PERFECT PERKINESS. His shoulders while lithe, create a pronounced and aesthetic v-shape. His shoulders without being bulky are meaty and round. His chest protrudes out from his concave stomach in a beautiful almost aerodynamic curve. The profile of his torso almost looks like a perpendicular wing. His chest, shoulders, and back taper down in the most fuckable hollow curves from any angle of view.

I saw him one late morning. After the crowds were gone. We took lockers adjacent to each other oddly enough. He seemed in a major rush. He looked TOTALLY straight. Nothing about him seemed even remotely metrosexual. He seemed like your typical straight guy who was not only blessed with athletic genetics but also played sports his whole life and just stays in shape out of habit. His attire was spartan--basketball shorts that hugged his firm round ass and a wife beater that showed off all the other glorious curves of his upper body. There were not even hints of some naughtily placed tatoo. Because his body looks like the epitome of a tight body, I will call him Taughty, a play off the word Tottie, which is supposed to be a play off of the word Hottie.

He rushed through his workout. So did I. He a total upper body workout--shoulders, chest, back, abs. It was my glute day and I was handling heavy weights. I was sweaty and breathing hard. We eyed each other very obviously without every making eye contact. Except for the trainers, we were the only two on our floor. He beat me to the showers by about 10 minutes. That was all the time he needed to be nude and dressing quickly by the time I made it to my locker.

He left just as fast.

Tonight he was at my gym branch I use during the weekends. I recalled that my weekday gym branch is closed on weekends.

Taughty was there. This time with headphones. There were two other really hot guys I wanted with whom I wanted to make conversation. One eluded me. I kept watching for the other. I was right next to Taughty, when as a result of looking for the second hot guy, I dropped a weight. Taught immediately bent down to pick it up. He was so fast in fact, that I realized he must have been keeping track of me despite the fact that he wasn't looking right at me.

I immediately felt like an idiot. He must have realized I was looking for the other guy and/or that I was a klutz. "I'm so sorry," I said right away to him as he hunched over. As he placed the weight on the rack, he had this ENORMOUS smile on his face. He didn't make eye contact at all however. "Thanks," I said, confused by his gigantic reaction to my "dropping" a weight. He nodded so slightly I almost missed his acknowledgment of my gratitude.

I stood there confused, staring at him, as he continued his set on the cables. I didn't look away immediately since i realized he was purposely avoiding making eye contact with me. He forced himself to stop smiling, but I could tell he was forcing himself. Did he see me looking for the other hot guy? Did he realize I was gay? Why was he smiling? Damn, his smile was hot. His attitude was hot. He got a kick out of picking up a weight plate for me?

His chivalry hit me like a cool breeze on a scorching afternoon. It had been so long since anyone had treated me like in that way. I couldn't help but smirk a little. I had to talk to him tonight.

About 20 minutes later. He was again working out right next to me. He was done working with weights. This was gratuitous. What's more, he had removed his earphones just for this exercise. He finished his set, and I approached. "So you come to this branch as well?" I started.

His face exploded with shock and he leaned slightly away from me and just as quickly regained his composure turning to look at me. Although he had calmed his facial muscles, he missed calming his eyes.

They were opened so wide, one would think he was staring at a firing squadron about to shoot at him. That is when I noticed--his eyes were the most beautiful, lightest brown, I had ever seen. They were essentially honey-colored. The black ring around them stood out boldly, emphasizing the extraordinary contrast. Then I saw that his eye lashes were unusually long and thick. His eyes were stunning.

"Yes," he said, nearly stuttering. "I do," he finished. Finally, I am accustomed to the effect I seem to have on people. Why do people freak out like this? It is not every time. But almost every time. Maybe they don't expect a conversation to be struck up with them. But this happens occasionally enough for people to not freak out.

If it were not for the many years of experience now of seeing people FLIP OUT when I start conversation with them, I would have been thrown completely off balance as well. But now, I actually even expected it, and had a second line prepared.

Yea, I now know that guys will be so thrown off by me, that it is not enough to have an opening pick up line, I have to have a second ready to throw them the life preserver so that they can continue and pick up the thread of the conversation.

"It is too bad that the other location is closed today, huh?" I went on.

"Yes, yes it is," he stammered. "Actually, the other location is the only one I'm allowed to use. I used to pay the fee for having to come to this one, but then I spoke to a manager about it and they told me I didn't have to."

He was nervous. Really nervous. Even though he wasn't saying much, he was rambling out of nervous. I wasn't shocked. THANK GOD. I'm maturing. So I popped my eye brows up as I feigned interest (I have complete access to all branches. His observations didn't apply to me at all.).

"If you talk to the manager," he continued, "They'll put your name on the list and you won't have to pay."

I continued propping my eye brows up, and moved my eyes around as if I was thinking. Then I brought my eyes back to his and simultaneously broke out into a mild smile. "Huh, I didn't realize that."

Cheezy as *uck I know, but you know, I just had to keep things moving.

"Yea," he said nervously, "it took me a while to figure it out."

I nodded very slowly. Then I relaxed my eyes and smiled in a more familiar way.

"I'm Tino," I said and extended my hand, "what's your name."

"Bryan," he said and smiled big and immediately forced his smile away.

"It's good to meet you," I said as I moved back to my machine. He nodded politely, attempting to hide his nervousness as best he could.

I have a new one. OH and his voice--could NOT have been more gay. I suppose he just needed to open his mouth for me to realize what was up his sexuality.

My god he's a cutie.

Bisexed

I'm not THAT bi. It takes a really amazing girl to get my attention in that way. When I run down the short historical of the women on whom I've crushed, they are stellar. My standards for women are light years above those for men, which are pretty high to begin with or so I'm told.

Despite this high bar, I seem to meet women who are just that--STELLAR.

I've been noticing this before this most recent crush. I seem to meet an unusually large number of exceptionally gorgeous women. I suppose its the whole gay thing.

Women feel comfortable around gay men, and if you're fun to talk to, forget it--they LOVE you.

I have seen this latest development as a natural result of my becoming more comfortable in my gay identity. I would have never expected this ironic effect--having more crushes on girl b/c more amazing women are now drawn to me.

What kind of ridic insane c*@p is THIS???

I just got a facebook message from this insanely how girl I majorily crushed in college. I've wondered whether I should include in my reply whether I've come out or not.

But of course, if I do, she'll be all that more pre-disposed to become my "buddy." So I did.

It seems awful. To draw women in this way, knowing that I secretly end up being attracted to them. What a perverse use of my bisexuality right?!?!

I just have a hard time resisting. We'll see how things go. If anything, I should have the most amazing selection of eggs for my future children. That cannot be bad, right?

Crush on a Girl & Treated Like a Girl at a Party

This super hot european girl in my school's LLM class had a crush on me. I wrote about it at some pt on this blog. I told her eventually I was gay. Her reaction confirmed that she had a crush on me. We've gone out three times now this summer. I find out that she broke up with her fiance. I have a crazy crush on her now. She has the most incredible personality. Super mature. Of course, she's incredibly gorgeous. I'm disoriented about my orientation :(

I got invited by my friend to this party. Lots of important gay law school folk there, inter mixed with lots of losers. My friend used to also have a thing for me. I remember the night he hit on me at a dinner. He took my knee and told me he would love to take me to a ballet. This was after I told him someone else had taken me to a ballet. Another time at a club, he stared at me with his jaw open, and then said, "You know exactly what you can get, and you are not willing to settle." I didn't know what to say to that. I just smiled as innocently as possible.

Tonight at the party, he kept cutting me off and dismissing everything I said. It felt so degrading. His "fag hag" for the night was equally dismissive. It was gross. Both of them seemed to into themselves that I seemed to be unable to hold any real conversation with them. I know that girls talk much about being interrupted in conversations because men assume they have nothing substantive to contribute. I got a taste of that feeling tonight. It was horrendous. I do not wish it on anyone. I left early.

As I walked away I passed several mirrors in stores and reflective surfaces. I thought. I think I'm prettier than all those guys there. Back in my home town, if you were beautiful, that was it. It was all it took. Here, if you are beautiful, it may mean nothing. What an odd thing to me. The issue however was not just about beauty. The issue was about getting dismissed several times. I had things to say. More interesting than the topic of most conversations there in fact. I almost felt as if I was dismissed because of my appearance.

As I continued walking, I thought, next time, I will just stay home and read a great book. In other news, I will be renaming my blog to "Adventures in Vanity." I found "Troubled" to be a bit to passive ;)

When Trouble Finds You

Super Boi seemingly ignored one of my e-mails and texts. He answered the e-mail. Still has yet to acknowledge the text. I'm through with him. Seems petty I know, but it is just fucken rude. I suppose I must be about one thousand times more into him than he is into me, but either way. He can go fuck himself.

Because of this shift, and because I'm bored, and because in the past I've always had a social manager, I've taken a new approach to my socialization. In college I had Beff (my bff and fag hag). An heiress and daughter of a supermodel, she wouldn't have as much fun as she would with me providing commentary on all the happenings. So I got entrances to all the cool parties and to meet all the cool people. In law school, it was Ethan. That was easy. All the clubs, parties, persons, etc. Even Porno Boi chipped in. Wherever he was stripping, and usually it was the hottest clubs, I got to go VIP. No waiting. No lines. No nothing. I could just show up.

Now, I have no one. Now, I've been bored. Then I was looking at the list of the most powerful gays. I recognized several names. They've hit on me previously. WHAT?!?!

THESE INSANELY BRILLIANT AND RICH PEOPLE HIT ON ME AND I AM BORED???

So Tino has taken a new approach. I started following up on their phone calls and texts which I had previously ignored. I've been a major prick.

I have 3 on my list. One is a banker who is head of like literally 1/2 the world for one of the major (and still existing) investment banks. The other is a hugely successful lawyer. The other is a major entertainment mogul.

I'm such a braggart. Yuck.

I'm just bored though and it has to be one of the worst things ever.

T.

Feeling Alive Again

Went out w/ Super Boi tonight. We had coffee. He's hotter than before. So intimidating and yet so delicious. I drank more of him than I did my tea. As excited as I am about him, I'm more excited about going out w/ a guy that I actually like. It's been so long since this has been the case. In fact, it's been a full year--since the Lawyer. Wow.

Super Boi has been much MUCH more into me ever since he found out I was truly versatile and that I would let him fuck me. In fact, he has been really forward about wanting to fuck me. I purposely asked him out to dinner for a week night to avoid the issue b/c I do want to just get to know him. He cleverly asked to move it to Saturday night. I again avoided it and moved it to tonight--Sunday. I didn't know if he would bite.

It didn't look like he would, and then he did. We went to coffee and it was fun. We are so different and yet so alike. We're both obsessive about dieting and working out. I talk alot. He's one of few words.

He might join my gym. We're having dinner. He's still overt about being into sex, but he didn't bring it up during coffee which is great. It's nice to at the very least have a fling and at the very most to have the possibility of something more.

We'll see =)

Baby

My God. I love you more than I thought little one.

I remember you. Chubby and so beautiful. Just taken from your mother’s side. The panic in your eyes. You trembled. So did my sister as she cried in terror. But before the day was over, you melted the fear from her, and you both fell asleep together.

You became so beautiful. The runt. Initially overlooked for your brown and black. But as you grew, you were unrivaled in symmetry, elegance, and expression.

You were a ball of personality. Everything about you said something. You didn’t need words.

You knew us so well. You loved us so much. Your love for us was so obvious. Whenever we came in. Whenever we weren’t home.

More than that, you knew us all. From grandpa M. to grandma C. You brought joy to us all. You joined us all. They had all had dogs, but there was none like you. There really was none like you.

No dog could command the way you did, simply with your posture. Your eyes, your glare. The intense earnestness that was ready at the slightest hint of trouble.

You were there when I heard the unreal. You heard it too. You crossed the jungle, the great lake, and the rivers with me. You knew. You always knew when to make a ruckus and when to be still, absolutely still. How did you know? How did you understand?

You came with us with Elijah, Martha, Nadiesda, little Elijah, and Elissa. You were there girl. You were there. You shared the most wonderful moments with us.

When I finally left for law school. You were there. Dad, mom, M., and me—like I always dreamed. And you were there.

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t give you everything. The yard. The time. My presence all the time. I’m sorry we left you that next time we left to visit our homeland. I’m sorry we couldn’t be everything for you that you were for us.

But still. It was so awesome to have you.

You know they say you and I were so alike. Our colors, our expressions, our attitude—your attitude. I never thought of it that way honey. But I did always think you and I had a special bond because we spent your first two weeks together.

You’re going somewhere better now. Oh God, I’m so happy. You’re going somewhere you deserve. But wherever you go and wherever I go, you’ll always be my baby—my bundle of bravery, beauty, attitude, love, and loyalty. You were so much more than I could’ve ever expected from a dog. You were so much more.

Thank you for taking care of mom.

You won’t be forgotten. You’ll never be forgotten.

Rest in peace, my baby.

Every so often... I remember

As my last post divulges, I've recently been reconnecting with old friends lately. I have also recently kept myself out of the gay world, dating, flirting, and all those things. Just been too busy and focused on other things.

As I do reconnect with older acquaintances, I am reminded just how often I am sexualized. Innuendoes fly here and there. Bitterness of my rejection there and here. Oh fucken good lord in hell of all things.

Maybe there's a reason why I took a break, eh?

Sometimes it is nice to be frumpy and ugly and totally unnoticeable. Yea, a part of me hates it. But another part of me does not hate it. I wish I could have it both ways.

Oldness

I feel like I have had many lives.

Well, I've definitely had many phases in my life. I had my days of passion. My days of vanity. My days of piety. My days of study.

In each I pick up a best friend. Usually, my best friend is not in a "phase."

So when I reconnect with them, it is like reconnecting with myself.

Reconnecting brings back more than a flash from the past. Its like a whole universe. Its like entering a dream in which I forget I'm dreaming. It is a whole new consciousness.

My friend tonight. When we first met, I was so taken by his beauty.

He was brilliant and amazing.

We used to talk for hours. We could stay up all night talking.

The thing about such incredible beautiful people is that I find it so easy to collapse their inner and outer beauty.

With others its automatic to distinguish the two, usually because one of the two really outweighs the other.

But then you have this other species--the ones whose inner and outer beauty are nearly equal in their excellence. They compete head to head.

Tonight, as we were talking. As I welcomed the flood of joy that it is to talk to another true kindred spirit, I experienced the distinction.

I for a moment thought--I love speaking to him the person, beyond the beauty.

But then later, I knew, I don't have to pick and choose. I can fully immerse myself in both.

I can fully enjoy his inner and outer beauty.

Why choose when I can have both?

Lest I forget. He broke through the man-barrier.

In a non-frivolous moment, he told me that he loved me.

Update: the Beautiful Gays

It's a long time since I have posted. Things seemed to have changed a lot, and yet while time has been passing, it hasn't seemed as if almost any change happened at all.

I'm wading through pictures of the beautiful gays.

Why? Well, now that I live essentially on both coasts, I have realized just how small, or should I say unified the East and West Coasts are for some gays. It's a truly bicoastal culture. Everyone knows each other. Of course, like any relatively small group of status conscious folk--there are social celebrities. The beautiful and often uberly successful gorgeous ones that capture and captivate the cocks and minds of the gay masses.

I lust, observe, admire, and perhaps even yearn after them myself. I am among the masses.

Yet, I flirt and play, from a distance w/ them. In a way, I feel, only feel, as if, only as if, I might know them.

It started w/ my best friend from high school, if I try and trace it back as far as possible. I wroteabout him here. I was traveling and got snowed out in college while away. With all the major airports closed, I ended up on his college dorm room's couch for the better part of a week. He had come out two years prior. I was still deep in the closet. In fact, I was in therapy to not be gay.

He had just landed his first boyfriend. My best friend was cute. Not sexy. Not handsome. Just cute. Brilliant of course. Incredibly so. Senior yr in high school we had over half of our classes together. All those ridiculously nerdy classes in an already ridiculously over-achieving school.

The first night I got there. He introduced me to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend and I both had this unusual reaction. Both of our jaws dropped and we both couldn't look away hard enough to hide our reactions from each other. I never would have thought my friend to land such an incredibly gorgeous guy. Fast forward 5-7 yrs and we both end up sitting next to each other taking the LSAT. Small world huh? We exchange numbers. Facebook. U know the drill.

On facebook, I find out he's quite the little celebrity. My friends in law school "know of him." Those who went to college w/ him. He in fact allegedly dated one of their gorgeous celebrity alumnus who is now a big Hollywood actor. LOL. Go figure. Yes, he's gorgeous. From head to toe, and I'm sure BEYOND. Yes, he's brilliant, well spoken, and effortless-ly so. Did we ever hang out. Not really. I think I might have perceived a half invite and enthusiasm from him. His FB profile is littered w/ pics of him and perhaps the prettiest porn star in the industry.

Now, I'm in law school, and of course, I signed up for the coolest gym in town. If you might recall, I wrote about God and Munchkin. Right about when I started going to my gym, God's modelling career was taking off. Since then I've seen him on many magazine covers and in shoots with some pretty well known celebrities done by some very well respected photographers. No biggie. He's God. You don't question his greatness, and one dare not draw comparisons. He is God. You respect the status and recognize it for what it is. Unreal.

His boyfriend, Munchkin, is a different story. Teeny, gorgeous, and endowed with perhaps the LARGEST napoleanic complex I have yet seen. What's crazy is that Munchkin has been extremely intimidated by me. To the point of just sheer insanity. The expressions he has launched at me have been the most penetrating and pregnant with incredible insecurity. While he may not be God, Munchkin is by all means beyond my league. At least according to me. Since seeing God in a magazine and learning his name, I have come to know who Munchkin is. He's top of his field, in the creative world of course. And before dating God, he was wedded to another deity, a minor one, but nonetheless another impossibly gorgeous man.

So this past break, while I was chilling at home and working out one bright and early Saturday morning, I notice a small guy with a severely overgrown napoleanic complex. His eyeshdadow caught my attention. He looked at me, as if looking at a potential "subject" for his kingdom. His posture was ... honestly, like that of nobility. I hate to say it but even I some times carry myself that way. You know, arched back, and a slight upward tilt to the chin and nose--I do it b/c every so often I like to look at myself in a mirror or in a reflection. Its vain beyond belief I know. It emphasizes my cheekbones and lips.

I recognized it in this other one. He looked so familiar but I couldn't figure out why. Then it dawned on me. He's Munchkin's ex. This world is TOOOO fucken small.

Fast-forward a couple of days, and I see he had a short conversation with this tall, blonde, with exceptionally large blue bright eyes. He looks familiar too. Oh. He's this gorgeous tall hunky model with a funny manhunt profile that is usually set so that you cannot see any of his pics. He's unlocked for me a couple of times and I always thought he was a fake. But I recognized his torso and confirmed indeed, he's a somewhat well known model (who happens to be gay). Known on both coasts. Friends with Munchkin's ex, and then I learn friends with Munchkin. Later I learn that Munchkin is friends with my best friend from high school's ex.

I could spin this entry a few more times to include a few more impossibly gorgeous guys. So what's my deal? Why do I stay away?

I don't know. I'm scared perhaps. I scare them at times. I know as much, and nothing is as scary as scaring someone you find scary. Oh yea. I ran into the porn dude who's like the most perfect pretty boy out there. He got scared of me. WTF? I'm not even exaggerating or kidding. I know the look now. The slight bulge in the eyes when they see you. The quick fluttering of the lips. The rapid moving the of the head and eyes--first to avoid looking at you, and second to pretend as if they just always move their head like that so it couldn't have been about you. By the time you count to seven however, they've already sneaked a second look, that usually bears an obvious expression of non-chalance attempting to cover fear.

I'm so aware of status. I grew up in a world built on status. I run and dictate my life according to status. But I refuse to be honest about it to myself. I refuse to believe that some people are just cooler than others. Perhaps its because throughout my adolescence, I was NEVER "cool". I was the opposite. I was a contrarian. I was the kid who tried to pretend like that didn't exist. Today, I still am a kid who's trying to pretend like it doesn't exist. So I refuse to try and hang out with the cool kids. Although coolness really does not exist, except as an immaterial concept in the heads of people, I give it material power in my life, all the while attesting that it is indeed NOT real.

I keep people away. As I commute between the two coasts, I have become hyper sensitive to where I am perceived as most attractive and unapproachable. I've grown to love it. I've grown to relish walking into my gyms--scaring most of the men in there, getting them to clandestinely check me out, all the while, pretending like I'm either oblivious or indifferent to the whole charade. But in reality I love hoarding and glutting myself on attention that I can absolutely reject. Given how seldom I have sex, I think this is my perverted form of an orgasm. If only I could wear a shirt that said as much in 5 words or less.

In separate news, I was obliged to go to a firm dinner last night, where I sat across Poet Guy ("PG" hereafter). Given how painfully awkward we, and especially he has, have been around each other, I was blown away when, while our host escaped to the bathroom, he cordially asked me how I was. We talked, and talked. Awkwardly yet consistently. Before I knew it, I was back in the middle of experiencing just how much I fucken crave for the dude. So beautiful. So brilliant. So shy. Rarely have I stalled in asking a guy out (a second time) because I like him so much that rejection would actually hurt.

Like a Girl

Today, some dude I'm going to dinner with on Sunday rhapsodized me till no end. It was really sweet but I just felt so on the spot. Maybe it is because he was going off about my body. He's in the arts and inordinately successful, so I suppose its a very high complement, but nonetheless, if feels... ack. I feel like I just let him fuck me and let him be done with it. But I suspect that women feel this way often--which is why I titled this entry "Like a Girl." You get worshiped, but then, it is not really me that's getting worshiped.

He is sweet about how he goes about it though and so that buys him some brownie points. He also just has this really cool background. I can't really go off on his accomplishments, but suffice it to say, it raises eye brows.

It makes me think of my favorite sibling. He's in art school and he's no longer talking to me. Something about envy. :( His words. Not mine. At least he's not blaming it on me.

What sucks is how I keep meeting guys in his target fields. This last guy obviously, but I also got hit on by this dude who is the manager to several A list folk. I was totally oblivious to who he was, and then I saw him on tv while on the treadmill and I was like.... holy cow. Alright. Won't be losing THAT number.

In other news, Super Boy is back. Turns out he thought I was strictly a top and that's why he was ambivalent about me. As soon as I mentioned that I was truly versatile, he was like, "So what are you up to tonight?" Go figure.

It's raining dudes. Seriously. There are two others--the hottest ones thus far about whom I'm just too lazy to write. Suffice it to say---OMFG--this is awesome.

I miss my bro. Talking to him. He's gay too...

I basically don't have any male gay friends with whom to talk.

Cured of Loneliness for a Night

An answer to prayer perhaps. I have a weekend lined up of parties, outings, and dates (both romantic and non-romantic). I have shit load to get done at school as well, so this weekend has been as intense as it gets. To top it off, I slept 10.5 hours last night.

I barely had the chance to eat, study, and get to the gym for my first workout before having to hit the first birthday party. I got there towards the end, at an ice rink, and well, let's just say when I saw what it meant to be at a public ice rink, I quickly realized it wasn't worth my trouble. Why would I get skates only to go around in a giant circle with a crowd? Too pointless. I left the birthday boy a message on his voice mail and trotted back to the gym.

I figured out in undergrad that the hottest guys workout late on Saturday nights--right before hitting the parties. Maybe they like having that pump in their pecs under their sheer and clingly sweater tops =) Gets you hard doesn't it?

Tonight was no exception. However, there was one exceptional guy there whom I didn't expect to see, because since I moved to my new apartment, I've been going to a different branch of my gym. And well, I had seen this guy at my other branch.

He is really fucken hot. I mean really fucken hot. His face is just beautiful, and his body is very athletic. It's tough for me to find a guy's face beautiful, so this guy sticks out to to me. He was just getting there when I arrived. He did an insane workout for almost as like I was there ---1.5 hours.

As the closing time of the gym approached, I quickly realized that he was going to leave until they kicked him out. There were only four of use in this overly sized gym. It was a perfect setting for me to talk to him.

We've eyed each other in the past. At first, I remember him giving me a cocky grin. It's the type of grin one hot gay guy obliquely gives to another when he knows there's the chance of mutual attraction. Its a particular grin, because its both approving (in a warped way), fun (in an obvious way), and yet confident.

I was too intimidated by his beauty to see anything but the cockiness in his smile. Eventually he stopped grinning at me whenever we saw each other and his looks towards me were of resignation. Sweeet--I thought. I've eliminated his game for now.

I almost spoke to him one time, after seeing him weigh himself in the lockerroom while eating a piece of chocolate. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen! This unbelievable beautiful man, wrapped in a skimpy white fluffy towel, eating a piece of very delicious looking chocolate, while carefully calibrating a medical weighing scale! The scene belonged on some post card.

So after I finished my workout, I decided to go workout near him. As I did, he finished his workout, and I was almost crestfallen when he decided to stretch on the stair case. Thus, I couldn't exit without going by him. But, if I were to stop and talk to him then, I would have to hover by the stairs and look like an idiot I thought. If he's not near me, I won't be able to "wander" over to him, between sets and strike up conversation.

As if he read my mind, he did some more stretches and moved towards me. Now I could wander. Two trainers were going around putting the weights where they belonged. And as soon as they moved away, I realized the setting was perfect!

His workout was done, as was mine, the gym was closing, there was literally no one else there, and both he and I could speak to him without being overheard.

I picked up my water bottle and walked over to him. He was bending over, touching his toes with his knees locked out, stretching his hamstrings. I could see his face as he pushed his nose towards his knees. I slowed down as I neared him, and in a slightly booming tone, I said, "That's a pretty intense workout you just did."

He didn't straighten up right away, as I saw him register my voice, my comment, and my tone. He thought about what to say next. I followed up right away with the necessary line--a question. "How often do you that type of workout?" I asked.

He straightened up right away, and said, "About 3-5 times a week."

"Wow," I said.

"I have light days too," he said as he began moving down the stairs.

"Hmmm...., " I said somewhat theatrically to emphasize the fact that I was listening and thinking about his statement.

"I have a tendency to overtrain," I said, "so I try to watch how often I do intense."

We walked. "Well," he said, "It's what's most fun. To do a workout so hard that you know you're pushing yourself more than anyone else around you."

He's competitive I thought. But I was struck by the relevance of his comment and his confidence. He had clearly seemed surprised by me talking to him, but he was holding his own. His body language matched his words--he wanted to keep talking. We talked more about workouts, and he was having trouble talking. He was uncomfortable with silence, and he began sort of to ramble.

I was thrilled beyond belief to see this reaction in him. I was beyond thrilled. Elated really. I couldn't believe it. HE was off-balance in talking to ME????? At a pause, I introduced myself, and he did the same. I said, "It's very nice to meet you." A brief look but very penetrating glance as I motioned to shake his hand, belied his surprise. I think my politeness established both that I was being courteous and yet interested in him. It's funny--but you know what? Those things do not often go together. Often when you get hit on--overt courteousness takes a back seat to awkwardness and nerves.

When we got to the lockerroom, he was saying things that were taking the conversation too deeply into workouts. He seemed to rambling. So, I ended the conversation by politely doing a military type salute, you know, where you take your index and middle finger, bring them up to your forehead, and then bring them away and in the direction of the person you are "saluting." As I did that, I smiled, and said, "Have a good night."

He looked surprised. He half saluted me, and said, "Yes, you too."

As I walked to my lockerroom I heard him say in the background, "First before changing, drink water." He was talking to himself. It was cute.

I didn't want to try and fuck him. I just wanted to establish a rapport. I'm so proud of myself. I am soooo glad I did not end up staying at the birthday party!

I went to another party afterwards. A gay party. I met this incredible girl. Super tall, model body and face, brilliant (MBA), and oddly enough fluent in the language of my parents. We gotta long so well. I made a new friend it seems.

I Get So...

Lonely at night. Doesn't everybody?

I hate it. Now that I'm all grown up, all my friends have shit to do! Aaack. One even has a kid!

Things have slowed down socially this year. The First Year hype of having to find friends and getting to know everyone has now blown over. I don't have party invitations every single night. My gay parents now both work very demanding jobs, and I've distanced myself from the troubles of other more complicated duos.

I've been in sort of a funk, finding myself to be so strange and different from others that I never expect to find a "connection" any more.

Despite my own criticisms of my self-image, I still get the same reaction from people.... what's more despite the passing years. I've noticed that somewhere between 17 and the mid-20's, people have a major down swing where they go from looking super together, to having a hint of age if not a full blown disaster.

But despite my apparent success at staving off father time, even the reactions of others to me now seem to bore me. It struck me today as I walked in and several guys just started staring at me. In about 8 steps and 10 seconds, I quickly avoided eye contact with all of them with a dismissive look. I only realized as soon as I had finished doing it, settled onto a bench, and began to eye the dumbbels, when another guy "stared" at me. Immediately I went from feeling like I was alone, to avoiding him with my behavior. The rapid shifts in my demeanor and behavior, going from feeling comfortable and alone, to feeling examined and intruded upon, was enough to snap me out of it. And then I thought, "How often am I like this? How often do I dismiss people?

And there, as quickly as I had thought it, I had my answer--all of the time I'm around someone I do not know.

It's my doing, of course. I just have to learn to handle not only when a person stares at me, but when a group of them do it. It's really annoying. I feel its rude. But that's stupid of me. I mean what are they supposed to do? Ignore me. Even then I would have something to complain about! ;)