I Get So...

Lonely at night. Doesn't everybody?

I hate it. Now that I'm all grown up, all my friends have shit to do! Aaack. One even has a kid!

Things have slowed down socially this year. The First Year hype of having to find friends and getting to know everyone has now blown over. I don't have party invitations every single night. My gay parents now both work very demanding jobs, and I've distanced myself from the troubles of other more complicated duos.

I've been in sort of a funk, finding myself to be so strange and different from others that I never expect to find a "connection" any more.

Despite my own criticisms of my self-image, I still get the same reaction from people.... what's more despite the passing years. I've noticed that somewhere between 17 and the mid-20's, people have a major down swing where they go from looking super together, to having a hint of age if not a full blown disaster.

But despite my apparent success at staving off father time, even the reactions of others to me now seem to bore me. It struck me today as I walked in and several guys just started staring at me. In about 8 steps and 10 seconds, I quickly avoided eye contact with all of them with a dismissive look. I only realized as soon as I had finished doing it, settled onto a bench, and began to eye the dumbbels, when another guy "stared" at me. Immediately I went from feeling like I was alone, to avoiding him with my behavior. The rapid shifts in my demeanor and behavior, going from feeling comfortable and alone, to feeling examined and intruded upon, was enough to snap me out of it. And then I thought, "How often am I like this? How often do I dismiss people?

And there, as quickly as I had thought it, I had my answer--all of the time I'm around someone I do not know.

It's my doing, of course. I just have to learn to handle not only when a person stares at me, but when a group of them do it. It's really annoying. I feel its rude. But that's stupid of me. I mean what are they supposed to do? Ignore me. Even then I would have something to complain about! ;)