I never know who's into me...

During my first semester in law school, this guy recognized me at the gym. He asked me if I worked out at the gym in my home town. I was taken aback a bit by the fact that some stranger whom I had never seen before recognized me from across the country. I should have realized that this is common among the jetset crowd.

He took my number and told me he could take me to some "cultural" events next time he was in town. He lives on both coasts. I blew him off. He wasn't hot. He was kinda chubby and homely. Very confident though. He saw me a few more times and asked me out to drinks, but I was always busy.

A few months later, I saw him on television. Turns out he was a major entertainment mogul. Ooooh -- those kind of "cultural" events. Dang it. We texted some. I haven't been home in almost 2 yrs now, so no chance there.

For the past several months, this really hot guy at my gym has been nervously staring at me a lot. Several weeks later, I spotted him in an A&F ad. Damn. He merited some attention. So I struck up conversation. He was very excited that I spoke to him. We introduced ourselves. He had a slight, very slight, accent. Where are you from? I asked. NO WAY! We shared ancestry. Very odd. I ended the conversation because I didn't want to interrupt his workout and the gym was closing soon.

He was even more nervous around me after then. It was ridiculous just how nervous he was. He was so nervous it was beyond awkward. I started getting weirded out. He would vacillate between nervously acknowledging me to flat out ignoring me. I just said hi whenever he was in a courageous mood.

Recently, he had been more on the gutsy side. Saying hi to me regularly. Today, he didn't say hi, and when I was about to look away in slight disgust, he winked at me. I waived a bit. Later in the workout, he did the same thing. He came over with a big smile later on to ask how much longer I had to go on the machine. I said I was done. He smiled big. I was in a hurry. I'm flying out in 90 minutes to Floripa to party with my boys as I write this entry.

I went to the treadmill and hammered out my insane mileage. During that time though, I noticed he had taken off his earphones for the remainder of his workout. What a shame I thought. We speak similar foreign languages, we're close in age, I assume, and yet we can't be normal around each other.

Fuck this. I don't care if this ends badly, but it IS ending today. I got off the machine and went to ask him out. He sped off to the lockerroom. I followed. I chased him down. Do you like the food from our home country? I asked without anything else to lead into the conversation. He smiled without looking at me. I love it, he said.

Want to go try some sometime? I asked.
A mischievious smile overcame him and he still would not look me in the eyes.
Where? he asked.
I was puzzled.
What location? he asked in our language.
I don't know, I said honestly.
Look, I'd love to get to know you better. I don't know many from our country here. I'm headed to South American for a couple of weeks. Can I get your cell and give you a call when I get back and we can go try some of that food?
Yea, he said dissappointedly.
He focused on the lock on his locker.
I'll get your number too if I can just get this lock to open.
He apparently could not remember the combination.
He slammed it and said, looks like that is not happening right now.

I took his number. I texted him. We walked back to the gym floor. He was limping.
"Leg day is the worst," I said.
He smiled and looked at me. Yes it is, he said.
We both had done leg workouts that day.

I walked past him, looked back, smiled, and said, Take care.

He smiled, but still looked disappointed, and waived.

******

I walked on the treadmill for over an hour befuddled by that odd smile on his face when he said "where?"

What did he mean by it? Why was he later disappointed? Why did his nervousness just vanish afterwards?

Where? What did he expect for me to have a list?

Oh. He wanted to hear -- "my place."

Drats.

He wasn't getting what he wanted right away.

*****

After complaining about him to my current BFF, I did a little googling. Turns out he's a leading designer back in our country. A designer who can model his own clothes. He was discovered as a teenager for modeling by one of the top photographers in the world.

Oops. I suppose perhaps he's not used to being made to wait.

I pray for his patience and that I find him as interesting as his internet profile makes him out to be.

Happy New Years 2012 -- Unexpected E-Mail from the Ex

After a long time away from the blogosphere, I read my last two posts and thought, my lohrd, this new post plus the others will just make me seem like a totally needy fart. Oh well.


I had an interesting NYE. I spent it with the unbelievably gorgeous Spanish Girl. I hope I have written about her here before. I want her to be the mother of my children because she is so beautiful, gorgeous, brilliant, multilingual, and wise.


We did the whole Spanish eating grapes tradition. Cute.


No, we did not hook up and make babies last night. I came home and felt sick and just wanted to be unconscious. This morning, I arose to an interesting e-mail.


About 1.5 months ago, my ex-bf, from São Paulo, and I had been e-mailing each other several times a day. About six weeks ago, he mentioned a hook up, and after then, his e-mails became very infrequent. His last e-mail was about him being in bed with a very beautiful guy.


Well, my ex- is gorgeous, great in bed, chivalrous, and not afraid to make the first move. So, he's definitely going to be having a good time whenever he so desires. However, I didn't like the fact that it was usually up to me to restart our rapport whenever he had a fling. I thought, "I think I'm the one who really wants contact in this scenario."


In great homo-fashion, I ceased contact and assassinated him in my mind. He was dead to me and just a memory within a few weeks. Although I had always told myself I would contact him my next time in his city, I even had decided against that plan, even though I will be there next month.


Perhaps my read of him was wrong. This morning my inbox had an email from him headed, "I miss you." He asked me about my current state of being and my family. He also attached an old IM conversation that he says he stumbled upon. It was our post-break up debriefing. An odd choice. Maybe I have yet to discern the meaning of it to him. He said he read it over again and felt the great desire to hug me. I did right by him. I have not done right by others. But I did right by him only because of his beauty, I think. I contest that such a reason does not negate the value of my actions.


He and I had created IM names to which only we were privy. We did so in order to have IM conversations without having to be invisible to anyone. We could be in constant contact w/ each other with our smart phones via IM without the need for text no matter the country in which we found ourselves. Last time I recalled, he said he had forgotten his username.

He's very young. About 10yrs my junior. My good reason indicates that I should not take his little drop in the e-mail bucket very seriously.


No one is on my radar right now. Well, there is one Brazilian at my gym, but my read of him, indicates he is just as vulnerable to fear as my ex. Are we not all the same? When I speak to gay men, I often witness flashes of desire and fear wash over their faces  as they cloak these emotions moments before opening their mouths to speak to me.


Does that make age a non-issue? My ex has more years of relational experience on his back than I do. He has endured greater betrayal and heartbreak.


Why did he wait so long to e-mail me? He could have just started conversation any regular day, but he picked New Years. Was he waiting for me to restart the conversation? Was he attempting to make a point? Was he testing me the way I was testing him? Did he have a New Year's kiss? If so, why e-mail me so soon after? I know last year, with my New Year's kiss, I was nicely distracted from thinking of him.


Now, perhaps the best approach is just to respond simply and directly without the creation of expectations. Politeness I am sure will suffice to entice without much investment or roll of the dice. 

New Years at Ipanema

So I get to the beach to meet up with my São Paulo friends. I never expected to actually find them given that my phone got no coverage. However, I bumped into them almost as soon as I go there. After our slew of Brazilian cheek kisses, we made our way to their beach chairs and they introduced me to another couple. One of them has been working out at my gym back home for 2 yrs. Crazy coincidence. He’s not a very outgoing or nice guy, so I didn’t remember his name. Older guy, very nice body; face is not so nice.

After our introduction, he never spoke nor acknowledged me. Typical American. A Brazilian would have been polite enough to make small talk. I had to go the bathroom and I figured I would feel less self-conscious about being in a skimpy speedo if I went to cool off by taking a dip in the water.

I told my friends I'd be right back. I got up and started looking for a place to put my wallet and keys. I put them in between my friends' beach chairs.

Then I surveyed the area to find the best route to the water. Everyone was pretty engrossed in conversations amongst themselves. It was a good mix of folks from what looked like all over the world.

As I looked towards the horizon, I caught one of my SP friends checking me out from head to toe. He was quite unabashed about it despite the fact that his bf was sitting right next to him. When I caught him, he made no expression whatsoever, but just looked away.

I have a crush on him. I got sad that he was not impressed enough to have any expression on his face. The beach was jam packed evenly for pretty much as far as I could see. So I figured the best approach was just a straight line to the water.

I was TERRIFIED. Most guys were “in shape.” But there were A LOT, A LOT of them were just plainly IMPOSSIBLY ripped and muscular. I mean, ripped, as in under 3% bodyfat. They were like walking anatomy charts. I thought “geez... my little ol’ 8 pack will do nothing for me here.” Their tans were gorgeous too. My last min jam at the tanning salon was not going to cut it. But, even if I was terrified, I sure was not going to let anyone see my fear!

Dang it. I worked my ass for this moment, and I was going to enjoy it. My mind was racing. It wouldn’t stop. I forced myself to think of the sexiest guy I could remember. I made myself believe I was him and told myself– now walk like him!

So I headed off for the water. As I started to walk, all these groups of heads turned in my direction. “Oh man! Here we go! The big CHECK OUT AND LOOKOVER…," I thought to myself.

“Okay… no biggie. This is one of the biggest holidays… They have others to look at… Goddang it—there’s a collection of gorgeous gay men here from around the world… This won’t last more than a few painful moments… relax… keeping the zen… ohm” :D

As I walked, I started to notice that they were not looking away… That’s when I got REALLY scared. I remembered what my friend in the US had said about folks here, that if they stare for more than a moment, they like you, and you have to stare back. So I eventually I looked back in part just to confirm what I was sensing and seeing only out of the corners of my eyes. Many, like little birds on a beach, turned away. “Okay… cool… it was all in my head…”

As I started to get deeper into the crowd, I started to hear catcalls. I thought, “Oooh… there must be some really hot guy walking nearby…” I turned to look for this other guy. There was no one in the area standing or moving. Everyone around me for a good 50 yards was sitting down. Then the catcalls started getting closer to me and louder. As I finally decided to look down at the guys in the area immediately  around me, I saw them cat calling, smiling, and looking at me… and avoiding eye contact at the same time.

Then I realized, they were catcalling as soon as I passed them by. I was like hooOOOOOLEEEE COW… This beach is like the best of the best… It is the Olympics of my homo-people… How is this happening?!?! I lost my composure and was just stunned…

As I continued making my way to the water, the catcalls and head turns were like a wake I was leaving. I noticed that guys would look and cat call much more so after I passed them. I couldn't fight back a faint  smile... I couldn't really smile all thew way because I just thought it was too ridiculous to believe that this was really happening to me.

Eventually, I reached the water. I walked straight in until the water reached my shoulders. I just wanted to be non-self-conscious and know that a bunch of eyes were not examining me. I stayed in the water a while. I wanted to just relax for a moment. I had a really hard time peeing because I couldn’t relax hahaahahahaha. I didn’t want to get my hair wet. However, there were some SERIOUS rip-tides. The ocean had its way with me. It threw me so hard onto the sand at one point, that my entire right forearm was deeply scraped, and I had blood all over my arm.

I love nature =) 

Eventually my friend approached the beach. I walked over to him. He said they were going to saddle up with their other friends and asked if I wanted to come along or if I wanted to stay here to wait for my other friends. I said I’d come along. We gathered our stuff and headed over.

As I walked through those crowds, I saw my gay life flash before my eyes. You might think I’m being dramatic but hear me out. EVERYONE from my gym in São Paulo was there. I saw guys from my gym back home. I saw folks from my gym back at school. Goodness gracious… the entire gay gym set was here! But… as if that was not enough… I saw guys from college there too! Even guys I had suspected of being gay freshman year! I literally saw men I had known from coast to coast in the U.S.

As I kept walking, I noticed my friend’s boyfriend. His body was pretty bad. No muscle at all; a little belly, and terrible bone structure. He had a gorgeous face and a pretty tan. He moved around with total confidence. He had no issues w/ himself and was comfortable in his own skin. I wondered what it would be like to be so confident.

Feeling Needy

I hate it. Detest it. It is Gross.

Parents

My mom just called me. I graduated last month. My parents and I spent a long time during that week. All we did was talk. We never argued. It was amazing. My siblings were mostly out of the country doing their own things. My favorite brother has not been speaking to me for almost 1.5 yrs now. He boycotted my graduation despite both of my parents asking him to come. My told me that he just lost his job. He told me in private b/c he's been not wanting to worry my mother.

My mother was moving some of our old things from one house to another. She needed some help so she asked me to tell my father. She called me about an hour later to tell me that I didn't have to tell him. He was already there. My father lives a LONG way from that house. I was surprised.

Today my mother called me again. She and my father talked a lot while moving the things. About his upcoming non-profit trip, the kids, my graduation, my new apartment. My mom said it was a very "tender" moment. She said that after all maybe he's not such a bad guy. Then she paused, and said, "Well, I wasn't very nice to him either when we were together..."

I didn't say anything. I was just surprised. My father's wife does not talk to him. She hates him. She's also not nearly as attractive as my mom -- hence why I have a full half brother who is older than some of my half siblings. Doesn't every person with divorced parents wonder if they might get back together again?

Face It

What do you do when you just have such a gorgeous face?

Rant - Junk Food at Work

My friend just IMed me -- "my company bought us bagels, brb!"

WTF?

Bagels = pure carbs. Fatness. Grossness.

Is it not the same as getting excited that your company bought you big macs?

Who would eat such things?

My roommate left one saturday morning. "I'm going to get breakfast. I'll be right back."

He came back with a big bag from McDonald's.

How do people manage to do each such things?

I just assessed my finances as part of tax season.

75% of my discretionary funds goes towards food/supplements.

I suppose I over emphasize that aspect of the quality of my life.

Dreams Dreams Dreeeeeeeehms

I had a night class so I drank coffee to stay awake. Crap kept me up till 3:30am. Oops LOL!

I watched three consecutive X-Files instead of writing one of my final papers for the semester.

Fell asleep and dreamt that I was back in Brazil. I miss it so bad.

The Love. The Boys. The Beauty. The Warmth.

I was in an old apartment like the one I had while there. Little to know decor. Lots of sunlight though. I lived alone. I bounded down the stairs of my building. Rushing to work, per usual.

On the busy rua, I ran into a very familiar face. It was Gian. This guy from college. He gave me this enormous smile. A knowing smile that bordered on being a smirk.

I said--WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I had to come. Everything is about Brazil now. Haven't you heard?

Of course I have! It's been so long.

I know huh?

He looked devestatingly gorgeous. Golden skin, dark blonde hair. Perfect almond shaped blue-flame like eyes, arched etched brows, and those plump ruby red lips.

I started to get hard. He walked along side me to my bus stop. Where are you going?

Same place as you.

Faria Lima?

Yup.

Then I asked what I had to ask. Are you out?

Of course -- it's Brazil! No one knows me here.

The bus arrived, heading in our direction. I boarded first. I looked at him as I got on. He was right next to me. As I stepped up, he put his hand on the small of my back, and then almost simultaneously boarded alongside me.

When I felt his hand firmly behind me, I turned around as my jaw fell in surprise. He was stepping up and his smile grew even larger. He leaned into me.

Then I woke up.

I looked him up on facebook, sadly expecting him to have succumbed to the stalker of time. Almost all since college have fallen prey to father time. When I saw his profile--I lost it. He looks even Hotter. How is that possible? What's more... he's in law school now too :D

Sifting

Just came back from a date. He's cute, accomplished, ambitious, and sensitive. The last characeristic is hidden; but it is there. I'm so much better at finding someone compatible. Despite all of these wonderful things, I just know he's not for me. I'm even attracted to him.

Not saying I won't give him a chance, but this chemistry business... has an exclusive say on whether someone even stands a chance.

Whoa... "Seeing Other People"

I told the BF that things weren't working for me the way they were. I wanted to talk in person. It was going to be a break up convo. The night of the convo -- his dog runs away. Really??? Exactly WHO is running away LOL?

So I sent him the e-mail version. Look - you lied. You said you would change your MH profile, and what does that matter if you have a second one. Two, you've become distant. Let's see other people.

Not exactly a break up, but at least in my book, it was. Neither of us has changed our FB status, although mine is restricted now so that only he can see it. No one else knows whether I'm in a relationship or not.

I went out with another guy tonight. It's complicated, but he was hot and he was a total gentleman. I have another two lined up for the next couple of days. Friends are coming into town too. So I have a nice long period to forget about the BF.

I'm wrong. I wanted to possess him. I messed up. I know it. I became dependent. I wanted to breathe him and not the air. That would drive even Jesus away. He has not responded to my e-mail in over 4 days now. He left his 5 favorite books here, a bracelet, socks, and a really nice shirt / blouse. I was tempted to burn them all ala Waiting to Exhale.

I will learn to love him in a healthy way, even it is just as a friend. I ended my e-mail to him that way -- I just want to talk openly and honestly about watever, whether it be as boyfriends or just friends.

Most Awesome Wet Dream Ever

I dreamt that I went back for a college class reunion, specifically all the people I knew Freshman year. There were all these really hot guys there whom I remembered. The oddity was that they were still there-- in college, in freshman year, and I went back to visit them as a grown-up.

The best part was that I was out, I told them, and all the hot guys in individual encounters came out to me and we fucked like bunnies throughout my dream. I got to feel and watch their gorgeous physiques. By far one of the MOST pleasurable dreams EVER.

Drama

So I found him on MH, twice. After the first time, I told him; he gave me an explanation and said he would change his profile. But then he was on again, w/ a different profile. I just accepted it--why? B/c I basically know where he is 95% of the time, which doesn't leave much time for cheating, and b/c if I know his deception, then I'm no longer deceived. Okay, so it will just be a super hot booty call even tho we call it a "relationship."

Last night he came over. It was after a dermatologist apt so arguably, I was his only option. Who else is going to put with the leftovers of a major facial?

He was sweet. He definitely adores to see me and to be with me. As much as I thoroughly enjoyed being with someone totally gorgeous, the romance factor just plummetted. There are inklings, because I think he really does like me. But the belief in something more substantial... poof, just gone.

The upside is that... I'm a lot more calm now. I don't think about him every second and I'm not going crazy for every little unexpected change in his behavior. I'm cured. The price seems hefty.

Could there be the chance at something real?

What if he never cheats but ultimately thinks he really does like me?

What if one of us just gets bored?

My First Boyfriend

Can you believe it???

Yup. The guy from my last post. We've spent about 1/2 or more of the past 3 weeks together. More sex than like my whole life put together!

We laugh and play together like nothing I've ever experienced prior.

He asked me to be his boyfriend yesterday at about this time...

Nuts... just nuts.

Geezus... My first Passion

Met this guy online. He's incredible. Unreal attractive, wise beyond his years, chivalrous, emotionally tempered yet open, emotionally regulated... WTF???

I came this morniging just by staring at his lips.... Met him this past Thursday. We spent the weekend together. Must have had sex for at least 10 hours during that time... most likely longer.

One morning I said: You know; last night was more than just "sex"... it was more like passion.

He nodded very hard and smiled really big.

Good lohrd....

In the land of the stunningly attractive, what could I expect, but to be taken?

The first real club experience where I meet someone and then bring them home.

He's beautiful, perhaps a bit young for my elderly age now, and a heart that kills me. I learned the language. I'm in the program. I wanted my Brazilian experience, and now I've gotten it. Good lord. What begins now?

Couldn't Resist Posting - Christianwire.org

Right now in America there are over 2 million couples secretly struggling with homosexuality in their marriages. Are you one of them? Are you having intimacy issues? Are you suspicious about your husband’s late night activities? Or are you oblivious to a problem that could be putting your health and the livelihood of your family at risk? Don’t tell yourself that you’re simply being paranoid without taking a closer look!

Homosexuality can pop up at any time during a long-term relationship. Your spouse may have been experimenting with the “gay” lifestyle even before you met. Maybe he’s just using you as unwitting cover as he seeks playmates in the heterosexual world. For these types, the shame of being “outed” is so great that they will go to extremes to hide their lustful activities, even tricking a woman to marry them to appear normal in society. Sometimes it’s the nervous family who has rushed a young man into marriage out of a fear that his secret will be exposed. For others, homosexuality can appear later in life when men crave some escape from the monotony of careers and home life. Same-sex experimentation is also connected to drug or alcohol abuse. Crystal meth and other narcotics are proven to lower inhibitions and to drive people to take incredible risks to feed their habits.

For the wife unsure about her husband’s proclivities, the most important thing is to first confirm your suspicions. Drawing on the expertise of spiritual and medical professionals, Christwire has put together a list of 15 commonly-accepted characteristics of men struggling with homosexuality within a marriage:

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence. Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers. For the sake of trust, a married couple should share everything, including phone logs, email accounts, chat friends and website histories.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance?

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? Is he picky about brand name shampoos? Does he spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do?

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities.

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
Some husbands will spend a great deal of money traveling far from home to hide their deplorable same-sex actions. Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined. Is there ever really a good excuse for a husband to visit Thailand or San Francisco without his wife?

10) Too many friendly young male friends
Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community. If this is the case with your husband, ask yourself if he prefers their company to that of women. Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne?

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
A man who is secretly engaged in homosexual activity with others may exhibit feminine qualities when they get together in a group. In a sense, he has “let his hair down” and this will be seen in excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands.

12) Love of pop culture
It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee andThe Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? Does he wear a speedo at the beach? Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks? He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him.

14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? Does he cry frequently?

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
This is an important question to ask yourself when your marriage starts to have problems. Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!

A Boy Despite the Girl

Yea, despite having a current crush on a girl, my eye for the boys doesn't cease to wander.

Tonight at the gym, I spotted a guy whom I had seen at the gym branch I frequent during the work week.

He's facially, boring. No exciting contrasting colors or striking features. He has a generically cute, very young boyish looking face with delicate features and a buzz cut. His skin is pale without any richness to make up for its lack of color.

The shape of his body however, is a whole different story. He's about as tall as I am and exquisitely shaped. This is why I pay big bucks for my gym. The hotties come in at a constant stream. Whenever there's a let down, there are two or three new ones to replace the dud.

This guy's waist must easily measure 28 inches or less. His ass is PERFECT PERKINESS. His shoulders while lithe, create a pronounced and aesthetic v-shape. His shoulders without being bulky are meaty and round. His chest protrudes out from his concave stomach in a beautiful almost aerodynamic curve. The profile of his torso almost looks like a perpendicular wing. His chest, shoulders, and back taper down in the most fuckable hollow curves from any angle of view.

I saw him one late morning. After the crowds were gone. We took lockers adjacent to each other oddly enough. He seemed in a major rush. He looked TOTALLY straight. Nothing about him seemed even remotely metrosexual. He seemed like your typical straight guy who was not only blessed with athletic genetics but also played sports his whole life and just stays in shape out of habit. His attire was spartan--basketball shorts that hugged his firm round ass and a wife beater that showed off all the other glorious curves of his upper body. There were not even hints of some naughtily placed tatoo. Because his body looks like the epitome of a tight body, I will call him Taughty, a play off the word Tottie, which is supposed to be a play off of the word Hottie.

He rushed through his workout. So did I. He a total upper body workout--shoulders, chest, back, abs. It was my glute day and I was handling heavy weights. I was sweaty and breathing hard. We eyed each other very obviously without every making eye contact. Except for the trainers, we were the only two on our floor. He beat me to the showers by about 10 minutes. That was all the time he needed to be nude and dressing quickly by the time I made it to my locker.

He left just as fast.

Tonight he was at my gym branch I use during the weekends. I recalled that my weekday gym branch is closed on weekends.

Taughty was there. This time with headphones. There were two other really hot guys I wanted with whom I wanted to make conversation. One eluded me. I kept watching for the other. I was right next to Taughty, when as a result of looking for the second hot guy, I dropped a weight. Taught immediately bent down to pick it up. He was so fast in fact, that I realized he must have been keeping track of me despite the fact that he wasn't looking right at me.

I immediately felt like an idiot. He must have realized I was looking for the other guy and/or that I was a klutz. "I'm so sorry," I said right away to him as he hunched over. As he placed the weight on the rack, he had this ENORMOUS smile on his face. He didn't make eye contact at all however. "Thanks," I said, confused by his gigantic reaction to my "dropping" a weight. He nodded so slightly I almost missed his acknowledgment of my gratitude.

I stood there confused, staring at him, as he continued his set on the cables. I didn't look away immediately since i realized he was purposely avoiding making eye contact with me. He forced himself to stop smiling, but I could tell he was forcing himself. Did he see me looking for the other hot guy? Did he realize I was gay? Why was he smiling? Damn, his smile was hot. His attitude was hot. He got a kick out of picking up a weight plate for me?

His chivalry hit me like a cool breeze on a scorching afternoon. It had been so long since anyone had treated me like in that way. I couldn't help but smirk a little. I had to talk to him tonight.

About 20 minutes later. He was again working out right next to me. He was done working with weights. This was gratuitous. What's more, he had removed his earphones just for this exercise. He finished his set, and I approached. "So you come to this branch as well?" I started.

His face exploded with shock and he leaned slightly away from me and just as quickly regained his composure turning to look at me. Although he had calmed his facial muscles, he missed calming his eyes.

They were opened so wide, one would think he was staring at a firing squadron about to shoot at him. That is when I noticed--his eyes were the most beautiful, lightest brown, I had ever seen. They were essentially honey-colored. The black ring around them stood out boldly, emphasizing the extraordinary contrast. Then I saw that his eye lashes were unusually long and thick. His eyes were stunning.

"Yes," he said, nearly stuttering. "I do," he finished. Finally, I am accustomed to the effect I seem to have on people. Why do people freak out like this? It is not every time. But almost every time. Maybe they don't expect a conversation to be struck up with them. But this happens occasionally enough for people to not freak out.

If it were not for the many years of experience now of seeing people FLIP OUT when I start conversation with them, I would have been thrown completely off balance as well. But now, I actually even expected it, and had a second line prepared.

Yea, I now know that guys will be so thrown off by me, that it is not enough to have an opening pick up line, I have to have a second ready to throw them the life preserver so that they can continue and pick up the thread of the conversation.

"It is too bad that the other location is closed today, huh?" I went on.

"Yes, yes it is," he stammered. "Actually, the other location is the only one I'm allowed to use. I used to pay the fee for having to come to this one, but then I spoke to a manager about it and they told me I didn't have to."

He was nervous. Really nervous. Even though he wasn't saying much, he was rambling out of nervous. I wasn't shocked. THANK GOD. I'm maturing. So I popped my eye brows up as I feigned interest (I have complete access to all branches. His observations didn't apply to me at all.).

"If you talk to the manager," he continued, "They'll put your name on the list and you won't have to pay."

I continued propping my eye brows up, and moved my eyes around as if I was thinking. Then I brought my eyes back to his and simultaneously broke out into a mild smile. "Huh, I didn't realize that."

Cheezy as *uck I know, but you know, I just had to keep things moving.

"Yea," he said nervously, "it took me a while to figure it out."

I nodded very slowly. Then I relaxed my eyes and smiled in a more familiar way.

"I'm Tino," I said and extended my hand, "what's your name."

"Bryan," he said and smiled big and immediately forced his smile away.

"It's good to meet you," I said as I moved back to my machine. He nodded politely, attempting to hide his nervousness as best he could.

I have a new one. OH and his voice--could NOT have been more gay. I suppose he just needed to open his mouth for me to realize what was up his sexuality.

My god he's a cutie.

Bisexed

I'm not THAT bi. It takes a really amazing girl to get my attention in that way. When I run down the short historical of the women on whom I've crushed, they are stellar. My standards for women are light years above those for men, which are pretty high to begin with or so I'm told.

Despite this high bar, I seem to meet women who are just that--STELLAR.

I've been noticing this before this most recent crush. I seem to meet an unusually large number of exceptionally gorgeous women. I suppose its the whole gay thing.

Women feel comfortable around gay men, and if you're fun to talk to, forget it--they LOVE you.

I have seen this latest development as a natural result of my becoming more comfortable in my gay identity. I would have never expected this ironic effect--having more crushes on girl b/c more amazing women are now drawn to me.

What kind of ridic insane c*@p is THIS???

I just got a facebook message from this insanely how girl I majorily crushed in college. I've wondered whether I should include in my reply whether I've come out or not.

But of course, if I do, she'll be all that more pre-disposed to become my "buddy." So I did.

It seems awful. To draw women in this way, knowing that I secretly end up being attracted to them. What a perverse use of my bisexuality right?!?!

I just have a hard time resisting. We'll see how things go. If anything, I should have the most amazing selection of eggs for my future children. That cannot be bad, right?

Crush on a Girl & Treated Like a Girl at a Party

This super hot european girl in my school's LLM class had a crush on me. I wrote about it at some pt on this blog. I told her eventually I was gay. Her reaction confirmed that she had a crush on me. We've gone out three times now this summer. I find out that she broke up with her fiance. I have a crazy crush on her now. She has the most incredible personality. Super mature. Of course, she's incredibly gorgeous. I'm disoriented about my orientation :(

I got invited by my friend to this party. Lots of important gay law school folk there, inter mixed with lots of losers. My friend used to also have a thing for me. I remember the night he hit on me at a dinner. He took my knee and told me he would love to take me to a ballet. This was after I told him someone else had taken me to a ballet. Another time at a club, he stared at me with his jaw open, and then said, "You know exactly what you can get, and you are not willing to settle." I didn't know what to say to that. I just smiled as innocently as possible.

Tonight at the party, he kept cutting me off and dismissing everything I said. It felt so degrading. His "fag hag" for the night was equally dismissive. It was gross. Both of them seemed to into themselves that I seemed to be unable to hold any real conversation with them. I know that girls talk much about being interrupted in conversations because men assume they have nothing substantive to contribute. I got a taste of that feeling tonight. It was horrendous. I do not wish it on anyone. I left early.

As I walked away I passed several mirrors in stores and reflective surfaces. I thought. I think I'm prettier than all those guys there. Back in my home town, if you were beautiful, that was it. It was all it took. Here, if you are beautiful, it may mean nothing. What an odd thing to me. The issue however was not just about beauty. The issue was about getting dismissed several times. I had things to say. More interesting than the topic of most conversations there in fact. I almost felt as if I was dismissed because of my appearance.

As I continued walking, I thought, next time, I will just stay home and read a great book. In other news, I will be renaming my blog to "Adventures in Vanity." I found "Troubled" to be a bit to passive ;)

When Trouble Finds You

Super Boi seemingly ignored one of my e-mails and texts. He answered the e-mail. Still has yet to acknowledge the text. I'm through with him. Seems petty I know, but it is just fucken rude. I suppose I must be about one thousand times more into him than he is into me, but either way. He can go fuck himself.

Because of this shift, and because I'm bored, and because in the past I've always had a social manager, I've taken a new approach to my socialization. In college I had Beff (my bff and fag hag). An heiress and daughter of a supermodel, she wouldn't have as much fun as she would with me providing commentary on all the happenings. So I got entrances to all the cool parties and to meet all the cool people. In law school, it was Ethan. That was easy. All the clubs, parties, persons, etc. Even Porno Boi chipped in. Wherever he was stripping, and usually it was the hottest clubs, I got to go VIP. No waiting. No lines. No nothing. I could just show up.

Now, I have no one. Now, I've been bored. Then I was looking at the list of the most powerful gays. I recognized several names. They've hit on me previously. WHAT?!?!

THESE INSANELY BRILLIANT AND RICH PEOPLE HIT ON ME AND I AM BORED???

So Tino has taken a new approach. I started following up on their phone calls and texts which I had previously ignored. I've been a major prick.

I have 3 on my list. One is a banker who is head of like literally 1/2 the world for one of the major (and still existing) investment banks. The other is a hugely successful lawyer. The other is a major entertainment mogul.

I'm such a braggart. Yuck.

I'm just bored though and it has to be one of the worst things ever.

T.