Pain & Loss

Today was the first day that the anger subsided over my friend-break-up with 1L. Underneath it of course was a ton of pain. It hurt like hell. I know I've done something wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it... for a while, and then I think I hit upon it--I've been deluding myself about how much regard I had for him as a friend.

First, ever since he was into me, we scarcely had conversations that didn't eventually hint at 'dating'. He wasn't himself. He was trying to impress me all the time. It made me angry so often I would antagonize him on purpose because I wanted to make him aware that he was just trying to impress me. Secondly, his wanting me would often make him say not only really great stuff that would make me melt inside, but also some stuff that made him seem pathetic. He was so gung-ho about getting me that he seemed to disregard reason.

There's been no other way... No other way... he just had to go.