must come to an end. It's been about a week now since I've spoken to 1L. Its been months, perhaps even over a year since we've been talking at least once a day. It was a dramatic conclusion to crazy friendship--with a flurry of e-mails assuring me of his love. It's a horrific thing to be honest. Love is a horrific thing--it being possibly the most potent of all emotions.
As with physical death, perhaps the worst are those that transpire from the inside out...
1L blew up on me about 1.5 weeks ago when I cancelled his visit to my law school. Another event came up, and there was just no way to reschedule. He flipped. He took it far--saying that I was prioritizing my work over my personal life and would be this way for the rest of my life. SO uncalled for especially since prior to us meeting in person he would at times stop talking to me, and yet I never wavered in consistently asking him for updates about his life--even when I got no response for months at a time. So while in the middle of this particular conversation, I abruptly asked if we could talk later. Somehow, he knew what I meant, because I had never ever phrased a conclusion to a conversation that way. With eerie telepathic type of power, he said, "Of course. I'll leave you alone. Just call me whenever you want to talk." "Thanks," I said politely.
After a couple of days he started to flip and IMed me. He pretended that he wasn't flipping, but I think I sensed it.
I e-mailed him back that I was just RE-thinking through things. He said that it was cool, and that if I wanted a period during which he would not contact me, that he would 'comply.' It was weird.
I've been known to cut people off. In some random super-old post, I write about a Star Trek quote, "Dismemberment is the epitome of perfection." How removing friends from your life--those who are closest--in a moment's notice is like removing an arm or a leg, and yet, I've done that with every single one of my friends at one point or another. Maybe just to prove that I can survive without anyone. yet they've all come back from my dead, and perhaps then I should be less cynical about it. It's like a right of passage right? Maybe not.
1L is done with the bar now, and he didn't call. Days have gone by and he didn't call. Neither did I. So yesterday he texted me, "I'M DONE!!!!" With the exam I assumed and not with me ;) "CONGRATS" I texted back, and nothing more.
But I was being passive agressive, childish, and just plainly ugly. I realized this a couple of days before his test. So I sent him a "care" package, which he texted me back with a note of gratitude. We had a brief conversation in which I apologized for my behavior and began the graceful exit. After he accepted my apology, we started to chat again, except I had already begun to decide to pull away.
I don't exit dramatically. Usually its like a fire that's been exhausted... it slowly dies down to an ember. In this case, it means that I kept talking and talking at the usual pace, except the depth of my sharing got more and more shallow, my reactions more and more canned. But because I talk so well and so much, and respond 'properly', there really isn't any way the other person can bring it up. After a few minutes of this, the other person realizes what's going on and that they can't do anything about it without appearing to be insane. So they eventually give up...
I'm angry at him, because I felt forced to do this. I miss the friendship, and perhaps not necessarily him. Worship can be an addiction, but right now, its not one I can afford.
***
Last night, I met with a guy from my law school for drinks. He just finished working at this insanely elite law firm... U know the kind where like the guy in the office next to you has his name written all over history books. I wrote about him here.
We liked each other. A lot. Though I could be wrong, I even believe he sort of really liked me. He asked me what I planned to do between now and school. I said, "Bum around... maybe spend some time at the beach." He pivoted in his chair, and gave me his profile. Then he turned a bit, and said that his family had a house at a particular beach, and that if I was interested, we could go there and hang out. What struck me was the slight tone of seriousness that he took on when he said this. It's probably just all in my head, but... it seems as if having gay male friends you don't fuck is a tougher commodity to acquire than at first I suspected.
Some gay guys say, "What's the big deal? After all, its JUST sex." But I guess I can be a prude.
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