a Week with 1L -- the second day

‘Love is the attempt to form a friendship inspired by beauty,’ was the way the Stoic philosophers put it.

--just had to quote that ;-p

We awoke the next afternoon at a ridiculous hour. I didn't have my regular stimulants at hand and apparently 1L can sleep for a full week if no one wakes him up.

We acted like nothing happened, and the fact that we woke up so late helped--because suddenly, there was sooo much shit to get done before the business day ended.

He did everything I wanted to do. The gym, more groceries, stuff I needed for my other errands.... I just had to name it and he was referencing the best way to get it done. I felt so odd, and yet, he didn't seem to give any of it a second thought. His way of being seemed absolutely normal. But I was freaking out inside.

En route to my second workout, we were in the elevator when we finally had some downtime to actually sort of talk. I tried to steer the conversation towards what we had agreed to discuss, but 1L kept going off on tangents. They were cute and interesting tangents--funny even--but still, nonetheless, TANGENTS. He didn't seem to be actively avoiding the topic. His mind just wasn't there. That's at least how it came across to me.

At the gym, I was a shocked once again. 1L is really REALLY out of shape. This reality to me was staggering. Despite the fact that he's overweight, he doesn't look so bad with clothes on. I realized that it's because he has fairly small bones and he's tall. With gym clothes on, it was a different story. It's the same way for me, just in the opposite way. It was hard for me to swallow. The kid could barely lift a fraction of what I was lifting---and yet he likely outweighed me in terms of body mass. It was hard for me not to have an almost visceral reaction to the contrast. Somewhere in the background... a voice blared... "I can't do this... I CAN'T do this.... Don't EVEN THINK of fooling me into believing that we could do this..."

He didn't take training nearly as seriously as me also. Perhaps it was a way to divert attention from our disparity in athleticism, but to me, his flippant attitude came across as offensive. Training is TRAINING. You go to the gym to get stuff done, push yourself, and to get the most out of the short period of time you actually have to take your body to the next level. Other than the most necessary chit chat, you shouldn't be able to talk very well while you're dying through the various sets.

He could tell I was annoyed as I met his funny grins with stern looks and quipped at his attempts at jokes with--"Let's get through this...."

The worst moment was when I asked him to lower his shoulders and kept asking him to do so in order to get the form of an exercise right. He turned around half embarassed and half angry and just said--"They ARE all the way down." Fuck, I couldn't tell. His shoulders just weren't that defined on his body.

We finished up and I could tell that he was embarrassed that I would see him shirtless in the lockerroom. I moved as quickly as possible.

Dinner was better. He tried to keep my diet but sort of struggled when he realized that most everything has carbs in it. Ketchup? Nope. Soy sauce? Nope. Chili sauce? Nope. Onions? Hell no.

I told him that these were my guidelines and that they in no way barred him from eating those foods. But, he wanted to keep up with me, and I could tell--he wasn't enjoying the food. I felt kind of bad.

We watched bits and pieces of a british talk show---he apparently really likes European television. I excused myself to go to bed. I was so tired that I didn't change out of my clothes and slept over the covers. He followed me to bed and held my hand.

He asked, "Do you usually sleep fully clothed?"

"I don't know," I said sloppily--I was literally falling asleep. "Yes you do..." he snapped back. He was hurt. I could tell that his snappiness came from that than actual anger. I was disappointed, because the entire day I had been wanting to have the 'conversation' but he never went there. I expected him to initiate because he had been the one to postpone it and had been the one to say that he would have this conversation with me.

I didn't want to spoon. I didn't want to do anything in bed.