Monster

So I thought I had been clear with 1L about not wanting to date him. The day after I had conversed with him about not wanting to be his boyfriend, he came up to me too close for my usual comfort as I was cooking, and said, "You know I made huge a realization after being so open with you last night."

I masked my discomfort and queried, "Oh?"

"I realize that relationships--whether they be romantic or not--should be fun. And I realize that I've NOT been making this fun... for either of us. I realize, that I could... just... get to know you." He smiled proudly.

I hid my own smile so as to not add injury to my insult from the previous night. I sat down with him, as I laid my meal out on the dining table. "Yea...," I said, trying to not sound overly enthusiastic. "I think that would be great." I was overly enthusiastic though. I wanted to be better friends with him. I'd been wanting that for years.

We sat and I was more comfortable with him than I had been since having met him in person. Fast forward to three weeks later.

I'm on the phone and he throws out the idea of "Well, if u were at my graduation..." I actually had given the matter some thought lately. It sounded like fun. All his friends--good times. I voiced my possible interest. A few minutes into the conversation--regarding what his family would think of me and in what capacity they had heard of me--he says, "Well, actually, my sister did tell my mom about you."

I raised an eyebrow while holding the phone. I gripped my jacket as I locked my apartment on my way out to the grocery store. "Oh?" I quizzed.

"Yea, mom brought it up and said that if she met you in-person, she might have to smack you," he said in a light guffaw sort of way.

"oOH?" I asked again, "really..." I said, clearly befuddled. "Why's that?" was the most diplomatic phrase I could generate.

"Well, because she hates indecisive people," he said. Interesting point to make.

"Wait a minute," I began with a far more serious tone of voice, notably changing the flow of the conversation. "What does she think I'm confused about?"

"Well...." he began, as if to restate the obvious. "You wanting to date me!" you dufus.

Oh shit. Wait a minute. Can we see the instant replay? The referees need to huddle for a decision.

"Hold on... I'm NOT undecided about that. I told you. I don't want to date you." I said it forcefully, as if to make a point about making a point.

All I heard was silence. And then more silence.

Shit. What had I done? or better put, NOT done.

"You there?" I finally asked.

"I'm sorry," he said in an eerily calmer tone. "I think I understood what we talked about that night differently."

"Uuuuuh," I said loudly... I wasn't going to hold back on this point, "a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y."

He went to town for like 20 minutes on how I had basically told him that I had said that I didn't want to date "at that moment" but was open to the "possibility." Fuck. That word--possibility. Was going to come back and haunt me on this point.

I had meant possibility in terms of a friendship. Crap.

He started crying. I cringed when I first realized. I cringed with pain. O-M-G.

Twas a four to five hour conversation. He started stammering and interrupting my sentences. He was getting emotional.

He got REALLY angry. REALLY angry.

He said that our friendship was in jeopardy. I freaked, but I said, that I understood that based on my inadequate communication skills, I deserved all the blame. Hey--it wasn't my heart that was getting broken.

Then he said it. He said it first without saying it. He just said--"You're only ONE of THREE I have EVER LOVED.... OF THREE!!!!! How could you not be more clear?!?!" The next few sentences could be summed up by his saying to me, "You're a fucken pathetic and terrible friend!"

Ouch. I deserved it.

But I wasn't going to fall for the manipulation. "Look, I understand that I screwed up and I will respect your decision if you never talk to me again. I will be here for you no matter what either way. I'm not running from this. I choose to be an unconditional friend even in the face of my own failure."

"I'm tempted to just cut you off," he said in a sort of growl. I'm not joking.

"I understand, and if such were the case, I would deal. Just make sure that you do what you need to do." -- Sounds like a backhanded cop out huh?

He got more pissed, and eventually we tired and got off the phone. He requested I not call him, though he said IM would be fine. For the next couple of days, he seemed to be crying when I contacted him. He told me he had to go drink himself to the point where he could forget that I existed. Ouch.

I needed to laugh out of the sheer fear I had pent up inside of me.

After four days, he forgave me. Invited me to his new city. And even alluded to giving me the best time of my life in bed.

WTF?

It was a trick I swore. I would never return and be buried somewhere in grocery bag-sized pieces. Would a visit however, save or doom the friendship? Would abstaining save or doom the friendship?