Been Avoiding this Post -- a weekend with 1L -- the day of Reckoning (Part 1 of 2)

Argh--if ever there is a soul out there who has read through all my entries, then s/he will know that I usually don't finish romantic sagas on this blog. I usually think that I just can't do them justice. Well, I'm giving that up and just writing.

The Third Day

The following morning was just like the last. We got up too late. But I was determined at least to arise during the freakin morning hours of the day!

I awoke and realized that 1L was holding my hand. He seemed to do that whenever we were in bed. If anything our body language in bed seemed to tell all. I was lying on my back with all four limbs stretched out. He was lying on his side facing me and holding my hand.

One of my stereotypes of overweight people is that they are lazy. I used to be overweight as a kid, and I've denied this stereotype to myself ever since then. Once I started sports and exercise, I rarely indulged in a physical laziness. My discovering of endorphins simply sealed the deal for the rest of my life.

1L--despite not being my type--is by some standards attractive. There's no denying. Despite being overweight, he does have rather boyish features. I knew he was awake and pretending to be asleep. Whenever I moved, his face--ever so slightly--took on a look of resistance. He didn't want to wake up. Altogether he looked like an overweight little boy, refusing to awake. The metaphor couldn't have hit me harder--an emotionally indulgent person who does not want to face reality. I hated myself for being so awful. As I pulled my hand away, he moaned. Like a little kid. He just wanted to stay in bed with me.

I quickly got up and got my pills. I downed them and made a protein shake. When I came back, he was hazzy-eyed and apparently having a really hard time waking up. I was cold, calloused, and impatient. I wanted to get the day started.

We went through the same motions, rushing through the morning, 'breakfast', errands, cardio, etc. Except this time, he noted that two of his best friends in the city had asked to have dinner with us the previous night. I have been wanting to meet this couple. They were international students and seemed quite interesting. I suggested rescheduling for tonight. It worked out, and so our day had a trajectory.

After the gym, I was rather happy. My workout had gone really well, and overall I was having an 'on' day. I was a little nervous about meeting the Int'l Couple (to which I will refer from here on out as IC), so I wanted to look good. They were staying in the city after graduation, so I they would make an easy social stepping stone. Plus, they just sounded sooo cool.

We walked over to the African-Spanish fusion restaurant (wtf, huh?), which was across the street from a gorgeous cathedral. The restaurant was rather full and required a wait despite our reservation. The weather was beautiful so we sat outside. I took the time to probe deeper into 1L's personality.

"Have you ever had a major personal moral dilemma?" I bluntly asked. "Hmm.... what do you mean?" he replied. "You know the type of dilemma that challenges you to the very core of who you are.... the type that seems to split your very being in two as a result of indecision," I explained.

"Hmm...." he thought for a while. He has lived a very privileged life. His parents were the model parents in terms of accepting his homosexuality. They figured it out before him and went through therapy before helping him out himself to himself! Come ON!

My situation could not have been more different. In addition, my background is riddled with contrast and inequity. Moral dilemmas for me have been a way of life. I use them to define who I am, to burn away the chafe and all that can be considered extraneous. My main beef with life: Why do I get to enjoy the privilege of a thought-life obsessed with transcending the experience of 'being' human while others toil--day and night--as they worry about their next meal? Why do I get to ponder 'being' while others live lives as instinctually driven as non-beings? I know--the philosophical implications in these statements can get hairy--but I hope that this just provides a sufficient 'gist' of the crux of my life.

"I think my biggest moral dilemma occurred when two friends of mine were sexually involved, and one of them did not disclose everything that was important to the other regarding his sexual history," he finally replied. "Humphmmmmm...." I said as nicely as I could. I sat and pondered for a while. "No other issues come up?" I asked. He seemed almost blissful as he looked around in various directions as he pondered this question of mine. He quickly capped his original statement with, "Nope.... that's pretty much it."

Good gawd.... we are so different. I want to lead a mission-driven life. I want my relationship or 'partnership' to be the same way. This would be a major point of divergence. I would have to come back to it.... eventually.

I cleverly and very slowly moved the topic of conversation away from the moral universe. The bois joined us, and I think they were either very shy around me or they didn't quite know what to make of me.

It was however very interesting to see 1L interact around others--finally, for the first time. This next part will wait till the next post. I still have yet to write about 'leagues'--but I guess that's probably best saved for after this saga as it will serve well as a context.

Oh, and the pic is because one thing I will miss about cold weather is wearing a beanie:)