Having dinner with the bois was great--one of them WAS SOOO FUCKEN CUTE! Well, they were both very attractive but that one really cute one was quite gorgeous. Totally my type :( Full sexy lips, pretty cheekbones, mocha brown eyes, light brown hair, and cutest-sexiest eyebrows ever. The cute one ended up sitting across from me so it was a bit awkward for me to NOT stare him while we ate. But the shyness of the couple helped out in that regard.
We talked and we talked and I noticed that 1L was more insecure around this couple. Whereas with me he could pull his--I know more than u nonsense--with them he could not. Plus, it seemed like the lawyer in the couple (the really cute one), was more ambitious than 1L and seemed more gung ho about his approach to studying. Ouch for 1L.
Indeed, 1L on the whole seemed more insecure around this couple. I guess I could theoretically see how they would be rather intimidating given that they are both very attractive and exceptionally well-educated. Still--this couple had invited 1L to a three some in the past--so despite insecurities, clearly the bois accepted him.
During an awkward moment in the conversation, 1L sort of gave me this weird overly familiar smile, and nervously rubbed by knee and upper thigh. I got weirded out because it made us seem like a couple. I wanted to both get annoyed and yet I did not want to be disrespectful to him in front of his friends. I just sort of smiled without reciprocating his body language.
The Bois were well versed in pretty much anything and the conversation went off rather well. I was flattered when the gorgeous one stopped in the middle of the conversation to point out that they would still be living in the city after graduation and that we would surely get together with me and show me the city. SCORE.
They even knew my home city thoroughly and suggested some interesting restaurants I had yet to try. Overall the dinner illuminated some aspects of 1L I had not seen. We parted ways and had a good time.
When we got back, 1L and I started watching some gay movies I had never seen before--Broken Hearts Club was what we eventually settled on and finished. The movie sent chills up my spine several times. They hit all the red button issues in that movie. Steroidal friends who abuse drugs. Non-committal boyfriends who change their tune as soon as they are passed up for someone BETTER looking. The Newbie gay boi who gets hit on by the well-intentioned, older gay guy who can't start a relationship because he is getting ready to move-on with his life. The soul-less, man-eating, player who like Icarus falls to the water while aiming for the sun.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can I possible be so many characters all wrapped up into what I think of as me???
It was tough. The movie blew me away, and 1L noticed it. I was at the same time really horny and had decided to watch the movie shirtless. 1L also noticed, but I could tell consciously decided not to make a move. He had definitely been confused by my behavior the previous night. It bothered me all together because he continued in the awkwardness instead of bringing it up. I knew that if it didn't come up sometime soon--I would just have to do it myself.
We moved to the bed and we were ready to go to sleep. He asked me what was so troubling to me about the movie. I said, "It just brought up so many issues for me that I have experienced in my romantic life and really hit home on how those issues can keep me from a relationship... I guess I'm just scared that I will end up alone."
That last part of my speech made 1L abruptly sit up in bed. He leaned over me, and in a very didactic tone said to me, "You have ALOT to offer. I don't think you'd EVER end up alone."
I was flattered. But he had mis-interpreted my comment. I wasn't scared that I wouldn't have options. I was scared that I'd never get over my own issues enough to settle down with somebody. He said that he thought I would. I just sort of rolled my eyes, because, after all, I'm the best judge of how awful my issues seem to be.
He asked me why I was still in my pants. I said because I felt bloated and pudgy, and didn't want to strip down to my underwear while feeling that way. He said, "I think you look really hot tonight.... If that's worth anything."
I sighed, and thanked him. He said I looked "edible," but wondered whether that's why I slept in my street clothes the previous night. "No," I said, "I was just literally too tired to change."
"Oh," he said, "I thought it might have been because you didn't want to get physical with me."
"That was part of it," I replied. "We were supposed to have had a conversation about physicality and your feelings for me before going any further."
I took it there. I pointed out how all fucken day and night he had never approached an issue that he had agreed to bring up before I arrived. I went over the MANY opportunities he had to talk about it and how he just pussy-footed around the issue. So finally he spoke on the topic. "Okay, to be honest, I feel that you've been ambiguous about how you feel about me. Before I can get physical with you, I need an answer from you."
No pressure, right?
Oh well, the boi asked for it--so as rough as it would be for him--I was gonna be honest.
So, I ceremonially brought myself up to a sitting position, and turned to face him. He rolled over onto his stomach, rested his elbows on his pillow, and his chin on his forearms as he settled himself in order to listen to me.
"I don't see a relationship working out between you and me...." I said in a very matter of fact way. As I paused in the middle of my sentence, his face contorted itself suddenly. It was as if someone had thrown boiling water on it and hit him simultaneously. It jarred me. He instantly brought his hands down around the pillow and clutched it as a child does his mother for protection. He quickly looked away, and the moonlight allowed me to see, as he turned, that this chin and lower lip were quivering.
FUCK.
"... because we don't share compatible missions in life." I paused having finished my sentence. I could tell he was hurting, but I honestly thought that he had to have had an idea of what was coming prior. I mean--I hadn't been very warm with him the entire trip. He must have known.
He slowly turned his head to face me again, while still clutching the pillow. He looked broken, but I could tell he wasn't crying. His eyes were receptive as he expected me to continue with an explanation.
"When we were waiting for the boi's earlier tonight..." I began, "I asked you if you had had any moral dilemmas in your life. You said you hadn't. But I have. My life has been defined by them. You lead your life in a way that's very happy, but not in a way that seems driven by an urgency to accomplish something akin to what I want to do with my life. I want to change the world. I want to make a difference. I want to leave this place altered having been here. For me, this is integral to a relationship because... I don't want a relationship that is about the relationship, I want a relationship that has an external focus... in other words, I want a mission-driven relationship. A long time ago, I sort of envisioned such a relationship like.... I know this might sound stupid... but like a dynamic duo... like two people helping each other fight for the same cause. You're a great guy--you're fucken brilliant. There's no denying it. You're extraordinarily accomplished. But when I hear you talk about your future... your goals... they don't resonate as synergistic with my own." I stayed silent for a while as I saw him take it all in. I then said, "That's pretty much all I have to say... " "What are you thinking?" I then asked.
He rolled over onto his back, still holding onto the pillow. "I...." he paused for like two minutes as he thought and formulated his thoughts. He fucken takes forever to compose his speeches. I almost want to fall asleep while he 'puts' his thoughts together. I'm horrible. The short is that he was sorry that I viewed him that way because he felt that he did have a mission--gay rights. He had done non-profit work prior to law school. Nevertheless, he realized that lately he had lost his way. He felt that he lost his direction after he broke off his engagement. He feels that he's been recovering from having been hurt that way for the past couple years.
I took such issue with what he said. How does someone cause you to lose your direction? How can it take you 2 whole years to recover from a breaking off a relationship? Aren't you just depressed? Don't you just have a weak identity? I said all of this, but before I got started, he asked for something.
"Can you just hold me?"
I obliged. He slid up under me, and I hugged his head. I felt like the most awful person in the world.
So I asked all the questions that were swirling in my head. He quite didn't understand my position. Essentially, I view myself as the primary agent in my world. He views himself as part of a world that is occurring. I view myself as part of a world that I cause. He wasn't sure he was understanding what I was saying. It's Landmark crap we both agreed. But the rest of the world doesn't get these 'sayings' he opined. Oh well, they are how I contextualize my life.
We moved on and he stated his fears. He asked whether he just "wasn't good enough" for me. I went over that. Not a good enough fit is VASTLY different from not a good enough person. He said that I seemed to just be waiting for somebody better to come along. I went over that too--a better FIT, not a better PERSON.
I said that I didn't have much relational experience and that I was looking forward to going to a big gay city for law school. He said that it just sounded like I wanted to sleep around. Fuck him. I didn't care if he accuses me of being a whore. Oh well, I responded, it's just who I am. I didn't give a flying fuck about what he thought in response to that.
On that topic, he began, he had to admit that he was also scared that in going to law school, I would meet so many interesting new people, and gay people as well, that I would marginalize his friendship. Ironic, I replied, I have always had that fear with you. He smiled suddenly and nervously.
I explained how for so long I had tried to be a closer friend to him. I cited how often he had seemingly pushed me away. How I had despite his 'disappearances', fought my way through to be one of his best friends and eventually to meet him. I didn't see myself going anywhere in the near future. I didn't mention how he seemed to suddenly be very committed to me--after he had seen me in person.
The conversation went forEVER into the night. But before I fell asleep, I said. Please let's not make this the end. Let's be aware of the possibility of the future. What did I mean he asked? The possibility of being friends and not knowing what the future holds. We talked about this at length, and he seemed confused by my language. I understand I said. Go to a Landmark intro and you'll know a little more about how I'm using this terminology. He said that I knew that he had already agreed to go to one.
I fell sleep. He kept talking but he noted that he knew I wouldn't remember what was soon coming out of his mouth.
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