the Reset Button

So I took "time-off" from Asian boy that lead to realizations that have allowed me to reset myself.

When first back at the gym during the usual time, we ignored each other for a short while. He then came up to me smiling and asking where had I been? He asked me a lot of questions, but point is, he made this big deal of repeating twice that "he had noticed" and he kept smiling at me. It seemed a bit off to me that someone would emphasize their "noticing". I spotted him and he was all smily and flirty--as usual.

During the workout a friend of his came in. He totally ignored him. The friend looked at him several times as he walked by waiting for AB to acknowledge him. The friend had to wave in order to be noticed. AB really is a different world when he's working out. I don't feel as slighted after that incident.

I said good bye and he was annoyed b/c he was concentrating on his next set. I was annoyed too b/c he was fucken annoyed. Thinking back on it though--I've really been into some sets before where I get annoyed if someone interupts. But then again, I wouldn't if it was him--and that's what bothered me. I hate the inequality.

The next day I was there again. He was all smily as usual when I approached. He tracks my whereabout in the gym pretty hard still. He was doing dumbell shoulder flyes when I went by. His eyes grew wide as he lifted the weight and I approached. He's so fucken cute. The contrast between his skin and eyes is intense. He was either trying to smile or was holding back a smile as he was straining to lift the weight. He looked right at me through the mirror. I smiled and waved.

We didn't talk through most of the whole workout. The previous day I had realized that I didn't like how things were going with him. We were playing cat & mouse. He hard to get and me just running hard. I didn't like playing games and I still wanted to get to know him. The games were obfuscating the knowing part. So I thought I'd ask him if I could after his workout ask him some questions about his workout. He didn't expect the "after your workout" part and got a bit surprised but hurriedly agreed.

Satisfied I moved on with my workout. He watched me a lot from there on out. I made myself not pay attention to him for long stretches of time, hoping he would just come over when he was done.

After losing track of him, I saw him putting on his sweatshirt, and I thought, okay he's leaving. No sooner did I complete the thought than some Asian friend of his with a grin from ear to ear approached him, said something brief and they both began to head out. Asian boy looked nervous and tenuous.

As soon as I saw the friend approach, I knew I wasn't going to go up to him. I've already gotten several vibes from other friends of mine that people have taken notice of our interactions--including folk beyond the gym. Retarded but real. Recently he also cleaned up his online profiles of the most 'ambiguous' content. He's scared. Ironically, the friend who went up to him looked very fagotty. He wasn't a looker, so I didn't feel threatened. Still, the guy seemed thrilled to be with AB--and worship does have pull.

I looked away lest he catch me staring at them. But when I looked back, I saw him nervously turn back and look behind him. He didn't see me, but I got the feeling he was caught. Not caught because he couldn't get out, but because he's a retard when it comes to socializing and being assertive in some ways. I know I am to, but I put myself out there.

That night I was all upset but made the realization that to a large extent his interactions are purely for the sake of the tease. For many others teasing is just a means to an end, but for some, it is the end.

I didn't know it at the time, but I went through a major teasing phase--somewhere in between being at the back of the closet and hanging out right on the door. I would flirt with so many dudes at school, but never make a definitive move. I would make them lose their composure and that to me was super fun. I couldn't believe that I could unnerve some of the hottest and most 'together' guys. I would devise situations to test whether and to what degree they were into me.

For the longest, and in retrospect I now realize the LONGEST time, I couldn't believe that these people really liked me to such a degree. By 'like' I refer only to attraction and lust.

These guys were the hottest, straightest, baddest, most status-worthy men. They ranged from athletes to the regularly ultra-genetically gifted college guy.

I don't know honestly what I expected. These guys were ultimately were the ones that outted me to myself. I couldn't resist. They were too hot. There were too many. They were to ready to flirt and unabashedly to demonstrate lust. The moments of stealing someone's composure or their ability to coherently speak became addicting.

Elevators, crowded distracted rooms, late night laps at the track, morning hours at the library, and of course the gym all became playgrounds.

I had an awful view of myself and these men fiercely challenged it. The few I got around to befriending I painfully subtly questioned to understand why they liked me. I am greatly indebted to the professor who was the first and perhaps the only insightful, perceptive, and articulate man to tell me to my face what his deal was.

Many alumni, other professionals, and other 'big-men' I interacted with exhibited many of the tell tale signals of lust. Some were undeniable, and yet when the topic was approached, they would shut down. Yet, they kept me around. Their denial drove me nuts. I hated it so much. Why couldn't they be real men and just own up to it--even if they weren't ready and/or willing to act on it. Just for my benefit???

A large part of the addiction of course was the power trip--a weak and totally human reaction.

The phase has decelerated but I suppose isn't over yet. Will it ever be? hahaha

If AB is like me back then, then its dooms day, because there was no way anyone was getting me out--at least that's what I thought--and that was the point of my teasing. I wanted to prove to myself or make myself feel that coming out would be my choice and only my choice. Of course, I was totally wrong--a control freak reaction.

If he's teasing to prove to himself what I was trying to prove to myself, then his goal is to say in the closet as long as I try to pull him out. So, its a lose-lose situation in the short to medium run. The long run is well--the long run. How the hell can I qualify this extrapolation to myself??? There is no way. I am so less meaningful to him and I suppose relationships in general are to him as a whole category--that he could hypothetically / theoretically like me and just not be thinking about it no where near as much.

Since then, I've gone back to my old antics of re-acquainting myself with narcissism--the days revolve around me. I wake up before dawn and run my ass off to hot music and enthralling land/cityscape. Shower and commute to work. Watch the morning light the sky and study for my entrance exams. These days are incredibly productive, but unfulfilling. I wish I had someone to love other than myself.